


come to me

by odetohoshi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Relationships, Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Homophobic Language, Idols, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Lee Chan | Dino is whipped, Lee Chan | Dino-centric, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Not Beta Read, One-Sided Attraction, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Panic Attacks, Slow Burn, jihoon is a little shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:54:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 27
Words: 134,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25257265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odetohoshi/pseuds/odetohoshi
Summary: In which Lee Chan wants to be so much more than just an oblivious Soonyoung’s little brother. Factor in hidden relationships within the group, a friends with benefits arrangement gone wrong, and a tangled web of interconnected emotions among certain members, and Chan is faced with the biggest (and most complicated) decision of his life.Or a story of love, friendship, conflicts, and true self-discovery in which Chan, Soonyoung, and Seokmin try to navigate their mess of emotions and find that they absolutely suck at it.*chan-centric with side plots, weekly updates*
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Chan | Dino, Lee Chan | Dino/Lee Seokmin | DK
Comments: 285
Kudos: 390





	1. white noises in my mind won’t calm down, you’re all i think about

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan can't sleep because of a certain _someone_ on his mind and pulls a late night at the studio to dance his way through his emotions. Soonyoung, however, knows him too well.
> 
> title from "WILD" - Troye Sivan

The lights of the practice room are out. Beams of moonlight filter in through the blinds covering the windows, casting a calming glow. It seems that this city does sleep; the streets usually bustling with people rushing back and forth are now empty and solitary. The company building is no exception. Besides the few workaholics that insist on working until they crash on their keyboards and the security guards periodically patrolling the hallways of the building, everyone is gone.

Chan likes it better this way; there isn’t anyone around to question why on earth, at three in the fucking morning, he’s plugging his phone into the speakers of the practice room and breaking out into choreography.

His body moves on its own, the music flowing and reverberating through every last nerve. The mental energy that his jumbled thoughts and frustrations use up quickly transform into physical energy, release. This is his safe place. This is his escape from himself.

Beads of sweat build up under the black fringe covering his forehead. He feels trickles of sweat drip down the small of his back as well, but they only make him dance harder, with more passion. Chan works himself to the bone, telling himself it’s the only way he’ll get better - 

The only way he might be worthy of Soonyoung.

Chan doesn’t know when it happened. He doesn’t know when playful teasing and soft praises of his dance turned into everything Chan needed. Nor does he know when he stopped seeing the performance team leader as an older brother and role model and saw him as something more. Chan has no idea when he started to ache and yearn for his recognition... _his attention_ …

His body moves with more urgency, needing to drown out the thoughts of Kwon Soonyoung invading his mind yet again. It’s a fire that consumes him from the inside out, leaving him breathless, thirsty, _needy_ …

Chan makes sure to follow through with every line his body makes, from his fingertips to his toes. It all has to be precise, sharp, flawless, praiseworthy, _deserving_.

He needs Soonyoung to praise him more than he needs air to breathe. He needs Soonyoung to acknowledge him not just as formidable, or talented, or even promising. No. He needs Soonyoung to see perfection. He won’t be able to live with anything less.

And so he works. He works and he dances and he burns through his energy until his movements become sloppy and uncoordinated, until his chest hurts from pushing further, until his limbs burn from the effort. He works until the feeling of dizziness clouds his mind and causes him to start forgetting the meticulously choreographed movements. And even then, the only thing that stops him from pushing further is the sudden stop of the music, signaling that his phone has finally run out of battery.

“Fuck!” he yells, collapsing onto the wooden floor of the practice room, face to face with his reflection in the mirror.

Chan’s chest heaves as he works on catching his breath. He sits back with his knees raised to his chest and runs his fingers through his sweaty black locks. Looking up and locking gazes with his own reflection, Chan sees it now. When did he start to cry?

He closes his eyes and looks away, not wanting to see the face of weakness and longing anymore. Imperfection. It’s written all over that reflection, and Chan hates the sight.

_How can I be perfect for you, Soonyoung? How do I make you see me? Really see me?_

_What will it take to be more than just your little brother?_

The sound of the practice room door opening catches Chan’s attention. The dancer opens his eyes and watches as someone walks in quietly, their shadow moving along the dark edges of the practice room.

Once the person steps out of the dark and further into the room, where the moon casts its gleam, Chan recognizes the one person who won’t leave his mind.

“I knew I’d find you here,” Soonyoung says softly, tone light with playfulness. Had Chan not known him better, he might have even missed the slight undertone of worry there.

“What made you look?” Chan replies, a small smile pulling up the corner of his lip. Even with the storm of emotions clouding his mind and causing his chest to tighten, Chan can never help the small smile that Soonyoung brings out in him.

Soonyoung reaches him and kneels behind him, wrapping his arms around Chan’s torso and resting his chin on the younger’s shoulder. He doesn’t answer Chan’s question, instead pressing a light kiss to the younger’s neck and shoulder. Chan’s skin burns with the feeling, an involuntary shiver running down his spine.

Chan can see him better now - his bleached locks are hidden under a black baseball cap, and a mask lies pinched under his chin. Chan instinctively leans back into Soonyoung’s body, craving the physical contact despite the sweat still clinging to his skin.

“I’m all sweaty, hyung,” he mumbles brilliantly, unsure of what else he could say in this rather intimate moment. He doesn’t know how else to describe it, but he knows he doesn’t want it to end. He feels a sudden high he can’t shake - his body against Soonyoung’s too intoxicating.  
The elder shrugs and pulls him closer, seeming not to mind the body heat and sweat now clinging to him. Chan’s heartbeat increases, face flushing red. He’s suddenly thankful for the darkness of the room, or he’d surely have to explain to the elder why he’s now blushing so hard. “It’s never bothered me before, you know that. Wanna tell me what’s on your mind, Channie?”

Chan doesn’t reply, swallowing past the knot in his throat and meeting Soonyoung’s gaze in the mirror. Soonyoung watches him intently, an unreadable expression in his dark eyes. The younger feels his breath escape his lungs as he takes in the way the two look together - Soonyoung’s strong arms wrapped tightly around his frame, chin resting on his shoulder, Chan’s head leaning against the elder’s. A warm, fluttering feeling washes over him. He can’t help but reach for Soonyoung’s hands, covering them with his own and closing his eyes for a moment - a fleeting one, but just long enough to let his senses take over his mind, now full of one person and one person only - _Soonyoung. Soonyoung. Soonyoung_. 

The elder’s name resounds in his head like a beautiful chant. It’s all Chan can do to stop himself from doing the one thing he wishes so desperately he had the freedom to do - to finally taste the beauty, the mystery, the perfection that is Kwon Soonyoung.

Soonyoung is _perfect_ \- Chan believes it so strongly, every bone in his body agreeing with him. He’s perfect, and he’s here, and he’s clinging onto Chan like a lifeline. Chan’s head feels floaty, as if he weren’t quite in this dimension and in some other where this kind of closeness is okay, normalized, possible. A dimension in which he could indulge himself in Soonyoung, submerge himself in his very existence.

His feelings for the elder run so deeply and so completely that Chan sometimes wonders if they border on worship. If they do, he’s concluded that he’d gladly bow down to him.

His eyes open again just in time to see the elder finally nod his head in resignation, seeming to accept that Chan won’t actually tell him anything. Another thing Chan loves and respects about the performance unit leader - he knows when to push and when to accept things for what they are. “Will you at least come back home and rest? It’ll be a long day for us later, Channie.”

Chan nods softly, knowing he’s right yet not quite ready to move out of Soonyoung’s embrace. The elder doesn’t rush him, turning his palms upward to catch Chan’s hands and squeeze them in his own. Soonyoung nuzzles Chan’s shoulder with his soft cheek before leaving another tiny kiss there. “You know Channie, you don’t have to run to the studio in the middle of the night when something’s on your mind. You can always come to me...for anything.”

The younger nods. “I know hyung. I just wanted to practice some more.”

Soonyoung chuckles. “We practiced all day. Why would you want to practice more?”

“I just want it to be perfect,” Chan replies quietly, playing with Soonyoung’s fingers. The older hums, pulling back slightly and placing his hands on Chan’s shoulders, bare from the black sleeveless top he wears.

“It’s funny how you say that,” Soonyoung begins softly, rubbing his hands up and down the younger’s arms caringly, “when I thought to myself earlier that out of all the members, even from our unit, the choreography fits you best.”

Chan’s stomach flutters at the praise. “Wait really? You think so?” he asks, eyes sparkling. 

Soonyoung starts running his fingers through Chan’s hair and nods. “Mhm. Actually, when I first was putting this dance together, I already knew you’d nail it to perfection with just one day of practice. You’re a natural Channie. I wouldn’t hold you to such high expectations if you weren’t.”

“Well that’s the thing...I don’t want to let you down.”

Soonyoung smiles, hooking his finger under Chan’s chin and turning his face to meet his earnest gaze. “There’s no way you could,” he replies, scrunching his nose. “I have too much faith in you for that, and you always give performance your everything. You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be you. And _you_ is pretty great. Now come on, don’t make your hyung nag. Let’s go get some rest,” the unit leader says with a grin, full cheeks raised and eyes disappearing into upturned crescents.

Chan finds himself smiling and nodding, feeling like a lightweight with Soonyoung’s words. He lets the elder pull him up to his feet and pull him tightly into his arms. Chan sighs, tension in his body deflating at the feeling of Soonyoung’s arms around his body and his chest warm against his face. “Love you Channie,” Soonyoung says softly, rubbing his back comfortingly.

Chan swallows. “Love you too, hyung,” he replies just as softly. The weight on his chest comes back; he knows well that they both mean those three little words in two very different ways.

The two walk down the dimly lit streets in silence. Soonyoung seems deep in thought. Chan finds himself wishing he were a mind reader - _what goes on inside that incredible mind of yours?_

He’s suddenly reminded of something. “Hyung? You never did tell me how you noticed I wasn’t at the dorms anymore.”

Soonyoung seems to snap out of his thoughts, looking down at Chan with an unreadable expression. “Mm...I woke up for a snack and found Seungkwan looking for you. He said you weren’t in bed anymore.”

“Mm...should’ve known. Kwannie-hyung wakes up a lot in the middle of the night. But wait...I thought you always said you never liked snacking at night.”  
Soonyoung stares at Chan blankly for a split second, almost as if searching for a reply. Chan cocks his head in confusion, pondering the hesitation. “I know. It’s true that I usually don’t. I was just still really hungry after today. You know how I get.”

Chan thinks about it for a moment and accepts his answer. That much is true - Soonyoung could eat a family-sized serving of _samgyeopsal_ himself after practicing for a whole day. 

Speaking of food - Chan’s stomach rumbles loudly at the mention of hunger. Soonyoung’s head whips sideways at the sound, the elder laughing at the embarrassed look on Chan’s face. “Burned off Mingyu’s dinner already?”

Chan giggles and shrugs. “Oops?”

Soonyoung shakes his head in amusement. “Alright, let’s take care of that hunger of yours before we head back. Fried chicken?”

The younger nods excitedly, eyes sparkling at the thought of the crunchy chicken. “Please hyung? Can we have?” he almost begs.

The elder grins and nods in agreement. “Alright, let’s do it. I won’t tell if you don’t.”

Chan grins back and nods resolutely, his smile lighting up his entire face. “Promise.”

“Alright then, fried chicken it is!” Soonyoung yells at a volume much too loud for the dead of night. Chan laughs and shushes him, playfully punching his arm. 

Soonyoung gasps, covering his mouth as his upturned eyes widen comically. “Aish...I forgot,” he whispers, taking Chan’s hand and pulling him across the street toward the fried chicken restaurant halfway between the company and the dorms.

“You totally didn’t, hyung.”

A giggle. “Hey now, who told you to be this smart and catch your hyung in his lies? Should I make you pay then? Huh?”

“No! No! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“Ahh...that’s what I thought.” Soonyoung smirks playfully at the younger, shooting him a wink.

Chan halts in his tracks, heart swelling with happiness. He has the sudden feeling that he couldn’t get closer to heaven than this.

“Yah! Lee Chan, are you coming or should I eat all by myself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really boost my confidence! anything is appreciated.


	2. you make my heart shake, bend and break, but i can’t turn away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan just wants his members to just _see_ him, and Soonyoung does.
> 
> title from "WILD" - Troye Sivan

“Dino-yah!” 

Chan instantly groans, knowing well what’s coming next. He swears he loves his hyung, but this game of Jeonghan’s is getting quite old.

“Yes hyung?” he replies, swiveling around in his chair just as Jeonghan appears next to him, a mischievous smirk on his face. The stylists have finished working on Jeonghan’s hair and face for the broadcast, much to Chan’s disappointment. His hyung is clearly bored of waiting for the others now, and Chan is the closest target to pick on.

“Dino, who’s baby are you?” he asks, throwing an arm around Chan’s shoulders and pulling him closer. Chan whines, frowning at Jeonghan.

“Hyung...I’m not a baby anymore. When is that gonna get old?” he complains. Chan notices then that Soonyoung, also made up and ready for the broadcast, is now eyeing the two with a certain softness in his eyes and a fond smile spreading across his lips.

He knows that smile. It’s his “baby maknae Channie is so cute” smile. And while he loves Soonyoung, he _hates_ that smile. Because no, he’s not a baby anymore. Because hell, the _last_ thing Chan wants is for Soonyoung to look at him like some cute little child and not the grown man he is.

As selfish as it might be, he feels a pang of resentment building up as Jeonghan shushes him and waves him off. “I already told you until you’re 30! So tell me, Dino, whose baby are you?” he asks again, clinging onto Chan even more.

“Hyung please,” Chan repeats exasperatedly, letting out a tired sigh. Soonyoung is making his way over with a playful grin on his face. 

“Dino, whose baby are you?” Jeonghan repeats a third time, and Chan knows he won’t let it go.

Chan lowers his gaze to the floor and wills himself to say it. “Jeonghan’s baby.”

“Ahh...and for how long?”

“Until I’m 30.” 

Jeonghan cheers and grins, squeezing the maknae tightly. “See! That wasn’t so hard! Soonyoungie heard it too, so you can’t deny it!” he chirps before jumping up to his feet to find someone else to target - this time Joshua being the unlucky one.

The taste of bile fills Chan’s mouth. _Hold it together, Chan. Just hold it together._

“Aww...is the baby sad now?” Soonyoung teases, playfully leaning into Chan and pushing him sideways. Chan’s eyes suddenly sting. _Not you, Soonyoung. Anyone but you._

Chan shakes his head. “I’m not a baby,” he barely manages to say, voice cracking at the end.

Sometimes he wishes Soonyoung weren’t so perceptive. Sometimes he wishes Soonyoung would miss things. He never misses a thing. Somehow, Soonyoung has the uncanny ability to read Chan like an open book. His playful smile drops.

“You’re upset.”

He can’t do this. He can’t do it right now. Not with the other eleven members in the same room. Not with stressed out staff members bustling around checking on every last detail for the broadcast. Not with Soonyoung looking at him with _that look_ in his eyes - like a protective older brother. That he really can’t take.

So Chan does the only sensible thing he could think of. “I’m going to the bathroom,” he chokes out abruptly before practically bolting away from Soonyoung.

He runs into the bathroom and slams the door shut, locking it behind him and sinking to the floor. Tears instantly flow down his cheeks, a strangled sob catching in his chest. Why does he have to feel this way? Why can’t Soonyoung just be another older brother to him? Why does he crave more so badly he can barely breathe?

Why can’t people stop seeing him as a baby? What does he have to do to be _seen_?

A hesitant knock on the door. “Channie? It’s me...will you let me in?”

He should’ve known. Of course Soonyoung would come after him. Why wouldn’t he? His little brother is upset. Chan’s mind reels, quickly trying to figure out what to do. For a moment, he contemplates ignoring Soonyoung. He almost does.

But then Soonyoung speaks up again, voice soft and laced with worry. “Please...just talk to me. Let me in.”

How is Chan supposed to say no to Soonyoung then? How could he ever say no to him?

Chan takes a deep breath and wipes his tears away before unlocking the door and cracking it open just enough to see Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed together in worry, a soft frown on his lips and a sad glint in his eyes. 

“Hey...can we talk for a bit?” Soonyoung asks gently, as if addressing a scared child. The dull ache in Chan’s heart only grows stronger. Chan’s bottom lip wobbles at the reminder of just what he is to Soonyoung, but he still lets him in. Shutting Soonyoung out will always hurt ten times more. 

Chan nods a little and opens the door wide enough for Soonyoung to come in before closing it and locking it again. The two stand in front of each other wordlessly, Chan battling his emotions and Soonyoung stricken with concern.

“Channie-”

“I’m sorry...I overreacted,” Chan interrupts, hating how unsteady his voice sounds.

“No, don’t do that. Don’t invalidate your feelings.”

“But it’s really nothing.”

“If it were nothing you wouldn’t be so upset.” Soonyoung sighs and pushes Chan’s fringe out of his eyes, tilting his chin up to look at him. “It’s the baby thing, isn’t it?”

Chan’s lip wobbles. He pulls away from Soonyoung’s hold and looks down at the tiled floor. He unconsciously recoils against the door of the bathroom, curling in on himself. He feels exposed.

“I had no idea how much that upset you...I’m really sorry, Channie. If you want, I’ll talk to Jeonghan-hyung so he’ll stop-”

“No!” Chan snaps suddenly, feeling useless. “No…don’t do that. It’s fine. Our CARATs like it anyway, so...”

“Lee Chan, it’s clearly not fine, and you can tell me so! Why are you shutting me out?”

Chan is unable to speak, heartbeat thundering in his ears. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to tell Soonyoung what’s really on his mind without sending the elder running for the hills? 

It hurts. Everything hurts. 

Somewhere in his reeling mind, one particular thought stands out. _I’m weak_. Weak isn’t deserving of Kwon Soonyoung. Chan doesn’t deserve Kwon Soonyoung.

Chan’s eyes flutter closed in exhaustion. “I’m sorry,” is all he can whisper, all he has the strength to say.

He is caught by surprise when he suddenly feels Soonyoung pulling him tightly into his arms, tucking the younger’s face into his neck. Chan instantly clings tighter, though his mind screams self-deprecating words at him. _You don’t deserve him. You don’t deserve this. You’re weak. Soonyoung deserves better._

He is even more surprised when the sound of his own sobs echo inside the bathroom. His strength is gone, resolve turned to dust in Soonyoung’s arms.

“Shh...shh, it’s okay. Chan, it’s okay. Just let it out. You’re with me, you’re okay. Let it out,” Soonyoung whispers into his ear. Somewhere in his rational thoughts, Chan is thankful Soonyoung hadn’t changed into his performance outfit yet, or else he’d be getting disgusting snot all over it. The stylists might actually have a meltdown at the sight.

For just a while, Chan lets himself be held. He lets himself forget the way in which Soonyoung sees him and pretends that this is more - that Soonyoung is more than just his older brother. He pretends that Soonyoung feels the same. He cries and cries until there are no tears left to cry. And even when the cries stop, Soonyoung simply pulls them to the floor of the bathroom and sets Chan on his lap, their chests pressed together. Chan buries his face in Soonyoung’s neck as the elder plays with his black locks comfortingly, his other arm looped around his waist.

“I don’t know what’s going on or what exactly you’re feeling, and I won’t force you to tell me. We both know you’re too stubborn anyway. And that’s okay. But I need you to understand that if there is something any of us says or does that you don’t like, you need to tell us. You can’t bottle it in, Chan. If you don’t like the baby jokes, then we’ll stop. It’s that easy. I’m really sorry I didn’t realize sooner how you felt about it.”

“It’s not just that,” Chan finally speaks up, picking up his head and almost gasping at how close his and Soonyoung’s faces are. Their lips are only a few inches apart. If he just leaned in further…

“What is it then?”

Chan snaps out of his daze, looking into Soonyoung’s warm brown eyes. Before he can stop himself, the words are tumbling out in a thread of honesty. “I’m 21, hyung. I’m a man now. It’s not just the jokes...I just hate that the others still think of me as a child. I’m not. I’m an adult with a mind of my own, a-and I feel things hyung. I-I want things...a lot of things. I want things that, maybe I shouldn’t want. Things I don’t deserve to want. I don’t need to be protected, and I don’t want to be babied. I just...I want people to respect me. I want-”

“To be seen?”

Chan’s eyes widen slightly at his words. Soonyoung smiles sadly and drops the hand he’d had in Chan’s hair down to the back of his neck, thumb running back and forth over his skin. “I know Channie. I know why you practice more than everyone else and why you’re so hard on yourself - even harder than I am on you sometimes. You want to prove yourself, to be seen for what you are.”

Chan licks his bottom lip nervously and takes in a deep breath, measuring his next words carefully. “Then, how do _you_ see me, hyung?”

Soonyoung seems taken aback by the question, eyebrows raising in surprise. “Me? Hmm…” he thinks for a moment, leaning his head back against the wall. His eyes twinkle suddenly, and a playful smile appears at the corners of his lips. “You really want to know?”

Chan nods desperately, clinging onto Soonyoung’s every word like an invisible lifeline.

“I think you are the special, one-of-a-kind person that everyone wishes they could be. You’re strong, determined, brutally honest, passionate, creative, talented. You’re everything I wish I were and more.” Soonyoung wipes away a stray tear Chan didn’t even realize had fallen as he stares at the elder in shock, mouth slightly agape. 

The elder laughs softly and pushes his mouth closed again. “I know I tease you a lot, and I’m protective over you, like any older brother would be. But I know who you are, Lee Chan. You’re not a child needing to be coddled. You’re fierce, courageous, up for challenges, and ready to take on the world. You’re not the Lee Chan I took under my wing all those years ago before this crazy adventure called SEVENTEEN began. You’re you. An adult. A man.”

An excited giggle escapes Chan’s lips as he throws his arms tightly around Soonyoung, chest light and heart beating so fast he should perhaps be worried. _You see me. I knew you’d see me._

Soonyoung hugs him back just as tightly, his body deflating from the relief of seeing a smile on Chan’s face. “Thank you hyung,” Chan mumbles into the elder’s neck.

Their moment is interrupted by the sound of Soonyoung’s phone buzzing next to him on the tiled floor. The two break apart, instantly knowing what the buzzing could mean. Soonyoung answers, telling their leader that they’d be back in a minute. “Stylists are looking for you. Think you’re feeling okay now?”

Chan nods, a bright smile now lighting up his face. He feels light as a feather, Soonyoung’s embrace and honest words having given him all the strength he needs. “Let’s go.”

Soonyoung nods and laughs, and Chan decides it’s the prettiest sound he’s ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really boost my confidence! anything is appreciated.


	3. if it’s you, anything is okay, so come to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which maybe Chan isn't the only one struggling with one-sided emotions.
> 
> title from "Come to Me" - SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer // in this chapter, it is briefly mentioned that seungcheol took a break from the group - this completely fictional break is in NO WAY AT ALL meant to be associated with the actual hiatus he went on from november 2019-march 2020, as he did so for a very serious and personal reason. again, the break mentioned here is completely fictional, separate from actual events, and is included only for the context and purposes of this story.

Joshua and Jeonghan are dating.

The two announce it over lamb skewers and _gimtteoksun_ at the dorms, a celebratory lunch following the successful ending of their month-long promotion period. The news takes the group by storm. Some scream and holler, running around the dorm and jumping on couches (Seungkwan and Mingyu being the loudest of these). Some shout boastful I-told-you-so’s (namely Junhui and Minghao - was that a bet they had going on?) while Wonwoo and Hansol calmly congratulate the two with beaming smiles on their faces. Seungcheol grins proudly, almost as if he knew a lot more than the others did.

Chan supposes he shouldn’t be surprised by that. Their eldest hyungs are inseparable; Seungcheol probably knew of the two’s attraction for each other since it began. Chan finds himself smiling happily for the two, chest bubbling with something akin to hope. If it worked out for Joshua and Jeonghan, maybe...just maybe - 

His thoughts are interrupted by the sudden feeling of someone jumping on his back, screaming deafeningly loud into his ear.

“Channie! The hyungs are in love!” Seokmin screams. Chan laughs out loud and nearly keels over under Seokmin’s weight, had it not been for Wonwoo catching the two and holding them up.

“Seokmin! You’re gonna crush him like that!” Wonwoo playfully scolds.

“Nah, he’s okay. He’s got thighs of steel, right?”

Chan smirks and shifts Seokmin higher on his back, waddling around the living room to prove his point. Wonwoo’s eyebrows shoot up in amusement as he raises his hands in surrender. “Okay, okay! I see you, Lee Chan!”

Seokmin finally slides off of Chan’s back and claps his back proudly. "Keep at it and you might one day beat Cheol-hyung himself at _ssireum_!”

Chan’s eyes widen comically. “No, no never that! He’d send my ass flying back to Iksan if I ever tried!”

“Smart kid,” Seungcheol says with a smirk, throwing an arm around Chan’s shoulders. “Seokmin-ah, don’t you think instead of nearly killing Channie over here you should be congratulating your hyungs? Huh?”

“You’re right...hyungs!” he runs off screaming, ready to launch himself into the two’s lap.

The leader lets out a tired sigh. “That kid. Well, what do you think?” Seungcheol asks with a warm smile.

Chan grins. “I’m really happy for them! I feel like we should’ve all seen it coming, but it feels different now that it’s official.”

“It does, doesn’t it? I haven’t seen Hannie that happy in months,” the leader replies, eyes trained on the two other men now struggling to contain Seokmin’s excitement while also trying to stop Junhui and Minghao from fighting over who’d won their bet.

Something about the look in Seungcheol’s eyes brings Chan to a halting state of realization. His lips part with a small gasp, all the puzzle pieces coming together perfectly. There’s a sparkle in the leader’s eyes, so subtle that anyone who wasn’t so familiar with it would miss it completely.

“Hyung...I’m sorry,” he finds himself saying before he can stop himself. Seungcheol’s head whips away from Joshua and Jeonghan and back to Chan, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Sorry?” he echoes. “For what, Channie?”

Chan’s eyes flick from the happy couple several feet away and back up to meet his leader’s doe-eyed gaze. “You like Hannie-hyung.”

Seungcheol’s confused expression instantly shifts between alarm and disbelief. “Wh-What? Chan, what would make you think that?” he asks, the redness of his ears a dead giveaway.

The youngest swallows and looks down at the floor, shoulders drooping slightly in defeat. “Because you look at him the same way I look at Hoshi-hyung.”

The leader stares at him silently for a moment before pulling him down the hall and into his own room. He closes the door behind him and turns to face Chan, his unreadable expression now shadowed with a mixture of longing, dejection, and shock. “You have feelings for Soonyoung?”

Chan doesn’t speak, but the regretful look in his eyes must tell Seungcheol everything he needs to know. The leader sighs and hugs Chan tightly, rubbing his back comfortingly. The youngest hugs him back for a moment before pulling away and meeting his leader’s gaze. “For how long?”

Seungcheol averts his own gaze, wringing his hands together nervously. “Since Hannie walked through the practice room doors on his very first day as a trainee.”

“That’s...so long. Hyung, how did you handle it?”

The leader shrugs. “Like I do with most things that as a leader I don’t agree with but have no control over. I took my feelings and buried them deep.” A sigh. “Except it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. Instead of fading away, the feelings only grew over time. It got to a point where it hurt too much to be around him.”

“When you went back home…” Chan remembers it clearly - the confusion, the worry, the fear, and the hurt everyone felt when their leader announced in the middle of album preparations that he’d be taking a break and returning to Daegu for some weeks. No one understood why Seungcheol had decided to take the sudden break. Jihoon was furious. Soonyoung closed himself off for several days after the leader left. The younger members appeared more lost than ever. Jeonghan worried every single day.

It all makes sense now. Seungcheol was running from a painful reality.

“Hannie confessed to me how he felt about Shua a week before I asked for the break. It really wrecked me.”

Chan’s eyes sting for his leader. “Hyung, I’m so sorry...I wish I would have been there for you.”

Seungcheol shakes his head quickly, reassuringly. His easy, gummy smile returns effortlessly. “Don’t be! You wouldn’t have had any way of knowing. No one did. I made sure of it.”

The youngest sighs in defeat but nods nonetheless. “And now? Does it still hurt?”

Seungcheol’s smile doesn’t fade but takes on a different meaning. Rather than reassurance, it conveys a bittersweet longing. “It does...but I’ve finally come to terms with it. It hurts less now than it did before.”

“Do the hyungs know?”

“No, and they never will, right Channie?” Seungcheol asks, a slight warning hiding in his playful tone.

Chan smiles back at his leader and nods. “They won’t. Scouts’ honor.”

Seungcheol nods and ruffles Chan’s hair playfully, to which the younger whines in protest. “Now, since I let you play the interviewer and rail me with questions, do you want to tell me what’s going on with Soonyoung?”

Chan sighs and nods. “I don’t know when it happened exactly. Before I knew what was happening, he wasn’t just a hyung or our unit leader anymore. He’s more now...so much more. He makes me want all the things I can’t have and imagine things I shouldn’t be. Like...I want to be stuck inside his head like a broken record constantly on repeat, the same way he is in mine. I want him to physically _need_ to be around me the way I need to be around him. But it’ll never happen, hyung. All I’ll ever be to him is his little brother.”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “You’re more to him than just that.”

“Then what, hyung? A personal life project?”

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

“How would you know?” Chan asks, not a hint of disrespect in his voice; rather, desperation leaks into his voice so heavily he almost cringes. 

Seungcheol sighs and nods after a moment, giving in. “Okay, but you can’t get angry with him. He was just really worried and needed to talk it out with someone,” the leader starts with a sigh. “Soonie told me about your conversation in the bathroom the day of our first broadcast.”

Chan groans and shuts his eyes tightly. No...not that conversation. Anything but that conversation. 

“Hey, it’s okay! He didn’t tell me everything; he only told me about how frustrated you were that you didn’t feel the other members took you seriously. He told me everything he told you. About how he saw you. You’re more than just a little brother or a personal life project for him, Chan. You have to realize that.”

“Maybe, but I’ll never be someone he loves that way. That’s what hurts.”

“But he makes you happy too, right?” Seungcheol asks, stepping closer and placing a hand on Chan’s shoulder.

“W-Well yes of course -”

“Then listen to me carefully. Hold onto that, Channie. If you focus only on the part that hurts, you’ll be miserable. Trust me...I would know.”

A wave of guilt and regret washes over Chan suddenly at the sound of resignation in Seungcheol’s voice. He shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how selfish I am. How could I expect anyone to take me seriously when I sound like a kid throwing a tantrum, and to you of all people? I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Hey no, we’re not doing that guilt thing. I’m your leader, and as your leader I’m giving you advice. I can’t speak for Soonie since I don’t know what he’s feeling besides what he told me that day. But if any of what he said is true...hold onto that happiness he gives you. In the end, that’s what you have left to keep yourself going.”

Chan nods in understanding, offering Seungcheol a thankful smile and a tight hug. Seungcheol returns it wordlessly, and if Chan feels a warm, fuzzy sensation filling his head and spreading across his body at the feeling of being wrapped in his leader’s strong arms, no one needs to know.

“Cheol-hyung?” Seungcheol hums, pulling away and watching the youngest curiously. “Why didn’t you ever shoot your shot?”

Seungcheol smiles sadly. “I didn’t know that I could. It’s not like sexuality was something any of us talked about openly back then. Even today, Hannie and Shua telling you guys about their relationship was really risky. Maybe if I’d known then what I know now, I’d have chanced it.”

“Do you think that if you’d told Shua-hyung about how you felt before, he’d have stayed away from Jeonghan-hyung?”

“I know he would have. He’s kind, giving, and selfless, which is why I couldn’t say anything.”

“But...I don’t understand. Why would you have wanted to let them get together?”

The elder chuckles. “You ask a lot of questions, Channie.”

“Sorry...I’m just trying to understand! I have a lot to catch up on here, hyung!” Chan protests with a laugh. Seungcheol nods in acknowledgment.

“Fair. I didn’t, not at all. But you know how Jeonghan can hold grudges when he feels hurt. He never would’ve forgiven me if he ever found out I came along and put an end to things between him and Joshua. Jeonghan can easily forgive a lot of things, but betrayal isn’t one of them.”

“Not even if he knew why you did it?”

“Even then. And maybe that’s okay because during my time away from the group, I realized something huge. I think that when you love someone - like... _really love someone_ \- sometimes you just have to step back and let that person be happy, even if that happiness isn’t you.”

“I think you’d have made him really happy.”

“Maybe. I’d rather not think about it. He’s happy now, after all.” Chan notes the resigned tone in Seungcheol’s voice and decides not to press the matter further. “Should we go back?”

Chan nods, blowing out a puff of air and walking back out into the hallway with Seungcheol. As they make their way back to the living room, the sound of two hushed voices catch their attention. Seungcheol pauses and retreats in his steps. The door to Jihoon and Mingyu’s room is open just enough to see Jihoon sitting on his bed with his head in his hands. Soonyoung kneels on the floor in front of him trying to pry his hands away from his face. Jihoon only swats his hands away and abruptly stands up, moving to some part of the room outside their field of vision. Soonyoung doesn’t move, only rubbing his face tiredly.

“Should we-”

Seungcheol shakes his head and pulls Chan past the room, back toward the common area. Chan instantly notices that most of the others have fallen asleep watching a movie. “Better not to. You know how Jihoon feels about his privacy,” the leader tells him once he’s sure the two are out of anyone’s earshot.

The youngest frowns in response. _Then why does Soonyoung get to invade it?_

“Ah, there you guys are! Cheol-ah, come here! Shua left to call home and I need cuddles!” Jeonghan whines, making grabby hands at the leader with an angelic pout on his face. 

Chan watches the way Seungcheol’s eyes light up with a sparkle of happiness as he giggles and nods, moving to sit next to the blond. Jeonghan claps his hands together excitedly and all but wraps himself around Seungcheol like a koala, burying his head in the crook of the leader’s shoulder. Seungcheol blushes a dusty pink hue as he wraps a strong arm around Jeonghan.

Their gazes meet. The sparkle in Seungcheol’s eyes dims ever so slightly, but he gives Chan a soft nod that seems to say a million things at once, without a single word uttered.

Chan sees it now. His leader’s earlier advice to him suddenly makes complete sense. 

_Hold onto that happiness he gives you. In the end, that’s what you have left to keep yourself going._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really boost my confidence! anything is appreciated.


	4. beautiful, just the way that you would look at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything starts to fall apart, a shitstorm worth of drama erupts in the group, and Chan has never been more confused in his life.
> 
> title from "You Were Beautiful" - DAY6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW // anxiety, panic attack, fainting/loss of consciousness, use of sexist/homophobic language, and non-graphic mention of violence  
> I will include a warning line with some spaces right before the triggering parts and at the very end where there are no more TW, so feel free to skip over if you need to!

Rehearsals for the group’s dome tour kick off faster than any of the members really expected. The members spend most of their days in the dance studios choosing setlists, planning stages, and polishing up choreographies. Thinking deeply about it, Chan thinks that the members spend the most time together in the same space whenever tour preparations come up.

It can be both fun and exhausting - especially when tensions rise among the members.

Things don’t get any easier now that Jeonghan and Joshua are openly in a relationship, at least around the members. The two constantly seem far away, both physically and mentally. Suddenly Chan finds it difficult to hold a conversation with Joshua, because both his eyes and attention drift every time Jeonghan walks into a room. If not, doing something with one of them instantly becomes a date - along with a third wheel. They’re inseparable, and almost suffocatingly so.

Chan is happy for them - he really is - but watching Seungcheol’s eyes dim and shoulders slump whenever the two decide to get clingy really breaks his heart. He couldn’t even imagine what the elder is going through. Hell, if that were Soonyoung with someone else, his entire body would ache with unbearable longing. The thought alone makes the maknae shiver.

So he finds himself spending more time with Seungcheol these days than he normally does. He knows the leader is grateful; Chan keeps him distracted, mind off of Joshua and Jeonghan giggling over cute animal videos and how they should _totally adopt a pet together_ \- “It’d be like our own little baby!” Jeonghan coos while Joshua throws his head back in laughter, eyes glimmering with adoration for the blond.

Chan instantly notices the way Seungcheol’s brow creases, a small frown pulling his lips down. He springs into action, quickly calling the leader over for one thing or another - “Hey hyung, what do you think of transitioning from ‘Rock’ straight into ‘Chuck’?” or “Hyung, I’m starving! Let’s go get some snacks!”

Seungcheol forces a smile on his face and always gives in. Chan understands. He might be the only member in the entire group who does.

Keeping watch over Seungcheol is a distraction tactic for himself, too; his mind doesn’t constantly reel over the possibility of Joshua and Jeonghan being himself and Soonyoung the way it does when he’s tucked in bed at night, staring at the dark ceiling and putting himself through emotional torture with K-drama OSTs playing in his ears. 

Word of advice? _Never_ listen to the “Crash Landing on You” OST while hopelessly imagining a relationship with your ultimate crush-who-has-no-interest-in-you-besides-being-a-little-brother. It’s bad. Real bad.

Chan is happy for the hyungs. Really. Honestly.

 _But do they have to be so adorably clingy all the time? Really?_ The look in Minghao’s eyes, accompanied with the intense eye roll and shake of the head, tells Chan that _no, they really don’t have to be_. But they are, and here everyone is today, running a basic 8-step sequence for the bajillionth time because _certain people_ think that yes, _they do have to be that clingy._

And really, Chan would _think_ that they’d get it after multiple times of Soonyoung calling the pair’s attention for lack of focus. If they’re not ogling each other while dancing, Jeonghan is throwing a flirty remark at Joshua, who, as the flustered, panicked gay that he is, subsequently loses his timing and throws off the members around him too.

A heavy, anxious feeling settles into his gut the fourth time Soonyoung calls them out. _This is not going to end well_ , if the performance team leader’s sharp, warning eyes are any indication.

The hours go by, and Chan can almost physically _feel_ the tension in the air become so thick he could cut it with a knife (or Junhui’s jawline, but that’s another conversation for a day that _isn’t today_ ). Chan’s stomach clenches nervously, palms beginning to sweat for reasons not at all related to the sweat he’s built up from so many sequence repeats. Soonyoung is looking increasingly annoyed, Seungcheol’s jaw is tightening more and more by the minute, and if Minghao has to run this sequence _one more time_ he is going to yell - or perhaps just combust. Either possibility is equally ugly, if you ask Chan.

And yet, none of the three end up being the one to finally explode. No, the ticking time bomb turns out to be 164 centimeters’ worth of blazing hot rage.

~~~~~~TW // sexist commentary~~~~~~

“Are you fucking kidding me? Are you actually fucking kidding me? Are you two fucking blushing virgins in middle school? Are you two little fucking girls incapable of leaving their dumb ass crushes aside for two goddamn hours to do a basic 8-step sequence correctly? Aren’t you two fucking embarrassed?” Jihoon screams, body trembling with fury, hands balled so tightly into fists that Chan almost worries his fingernails are breaking through the skin of his palms.

The entire room turns so silent, Chan swears he could hear a pin drop. Joshua and Jeonghan remain frozen in position, staring at Jihoon in pure shock. 

Chan holds his breath as Soonyoung slowly places a hand on Jihoon’s shoulder. “Hoon-”

“Don’t fucking touch me, Soonyoung!” the shorter man snaps, jerking away from his touch. Hurt registers in the dancer’s eyes.

Then the chaos begins.

“Okay no, Hoon, you need to calm down and take a breath,” Seungcheol says sternly, stepping out of his spot in the group formation and making his way to the vocal unit leader. 

“I’ll take a breath when these two can get their fucking heads out of each other’s asses long enough to get through this fucking sequence!”

“No, you need to take a breath now,” Seungcheol repeats, tone becoming more dominant. “Go take a walk.”

“No, maybe Jihoon has a point. We still have 80% of the group numbers to rehearse but we can’t move forward until Joshua and Jeonghan start focusing on the dance!” Minghao interjects.

“Oh, are we suddenly speaking casually now?” Jeonghan finally speaks up, getting over the initial shock of Jihoon’s outburst and growing angrier by the second. 

“Is that what you’re worried about when you two can’t even get the first verse of ‘Don’t Wanna Cry’ right?” Mingyu interjects. “Hyung come on!”

“That doesn’t make disrespecting us okay,” Joshua says sternly, never the type to yell. Chan might have even thought that he wasn’t even bothered, save for the way his usual bright, round eyes narrow in disdain.

“Well did it ever cross your fucking pea-sized brains that maybe your lack of focus is a disrespect to all of us actually _trying_?” Jihoon yells again, now stepping into Joshua’s personal space and shooting blazing daggers up into his eyes.

Just as Seungcheol moves to separate the two and order everyone to calm down, Jeonghan shoves Jihoon away from Joshua, his usual angelic face now contorted with fury. “Get in his space again and I swear I won’t care that you’re 13 centimeters shorter than me-”

“Enough!” Seungcheol shouts, getting between the two while Soonyoung catches a shaking Jihoon before he could launch himself at Jeonghan. Jihoon thrashes and shouts profanities at Soonyoung, almost escaping his hold before Wonwoo jumps in to help.

~~~~~~TW // use of homophobic language~~~~~~

“Fucking queers, you should’ve stayed in the closet!”

“Lee Jihoon!” Soonyoung screams, shoving Jihoon into the mirrored wall behind him. “That’s enough!”

Chan can almost feel the collective gasp echo throughout the practice room. His own chest aches from his words, angry and hurtful and most definitely not what anyone expected. His eyes sting, his chest starts heaving as the air gets harder to breathe - and he’s not the only one.

Joshua stumbles backward with the invisible force of Jihoon’s venomous words. Chan watches as tears instantly flood his eyes and spill out. Jeonghan blanches, expression unreadable. Seungcheol balls his hands into fists, jaw clenching and dark eyes blazing with fury.

“Soonyoung, get him out of here,” the leader says dangerously through gritted teeth.

~~~~~~TW // non-graphic mention of violence~~~~~~

Jihoon lets out a cynical laugh at the command. “I can fucking walk myself out, thank you,” he snaps, shoving Soonyoung to the floor with all his strength. The dancer hits the floor with such force that the thud of his head against the wood echoes across the practice room. 

“Hyung!” Chan’s body reacts automatically as soon as Soonyoung’s body hits the floor. He rushes to the unit leader to help him up just as Jihoon storms past him, slamming the door shut in his wake. Soonyoung hisses painfully, gripping his elbow as Chan helps him sit up straight. His gaze looks dizzy and unfocused, and a head injury instantly becomes Chan’s biggest worry.

“Jihoon, what the fuck?” he distantly hears Junhui yell after the shorter man, chasing him out the door. Seungcheol yells at him to come back - and more yelling. So much yelling. It’s everywhere and it’s making Chan’s head pound horribly. Everything suddenly feels like it’s too much, his senses on overdrive. Chan’s eyes dart up and down Soonyoung’s body, looking for injuries, but his vision becomes blurrier and blurrier. Why is it -

“You’re crying, Channie,” Soonyoung half slurs, voice cracking. He pulls the younger close and tucks him under his arm.

“So are you.” And it’s true - silent tears stream down Soonyoung’s cheeks - whether from the pain or from the severity of the situation, Chan can’t tell.

The next few moments go by in a hazy blur. Jeonghan is yelling at everyone and no one in particular, with Seungcheol trying to calm him down. Hansol makes his way over to Joshua and hugs him tightly as the elder cries - a rare sight, given that Joshua always does his best to hold himself together for the sake of the younger members. Choked apologies toward everyone and no one tumble from his lips. A teary-eyed Seokmin seems to contemplate running after Jihoon and Junhui, but Wonwoo catches him first, shaking his head. 

Minghao and Jeonghan are arguing now. Mingyu tries to get Minghao to back down because “Now isn’t the fucking time, Myungho!” The Chinese man only grows angrier, turning on Mingyu instead. Seungcheol pulls Jeonghan back from the two and forces him into a hug, which the blond eventually crumbles into, sobbing into the leader’s shoulder. Wonwoo paces around and wrings his hands anxiously, seeming to be in shock that this is even happening.

~~~~~~TW // fainting/loss of consciousness~~~~~~

Seungkwan is unusually silent, standing in a corner away from the rest. His expression is blank...too blank, just like the sudden pallor of his face. Chan’s eyes widen.

“Someone get Seungkwan-hyung!” he calls, and just in time. Seokmin rushes over and catches Seungkwan just as he falls sideways, suddenly losing consciousness. 

Sheer pandemonium is the only way to describe the state of the group. Everyone seems to leave their hurt and anger aside once Seokmin frantically starts calling for the hyungs. Jeonghan immediately pushes out of Seungcheol’s embrace and runs over to Seungkwan, hands trembling violently as he worriedly inspects the younger man. Seungcheol instructs Wonwoo to run and find help, visibly stressed and overwhelmed by the sudden turn of events.

~~~~~~TW // anxiety/graphic description of panic attack~~~~~~

Soonyoung and Chan don’t move. Chan feels almost as if he were watching a scene out of a movie; this can’t be his reality. This can’t be their life right now. Jihoon couldn’t have been so cruel. They can’t be falling apart this way. The sounds of the members’ loud, panicked voices suddenly sound distant and hollow, as though Chan’s head were underwater. His chest starts to heave, head pounding harder than ever and vision becoming unfocused. He knows this feeling too well. 

“Soonie-hyung...I n-need air,” he chokes out, knowing that Soonyoung would know what to do.  
The elder reacts instantly, somehow snapping out of his hazy state and struggling to his feet to help Chan up with him. He unsteadily guides Chan out of the practice room and down the hall toward the showers, passing rushing medics along the way. He audibly hisses in pain with every step, and buried somewhere in his current state of hyperventilation, Chan worries even more. 

“It’s okay, Channie. It’s okay. Focus on the sound of my voice. Can you do that for me? Listen to me Channie,” Soonyoung instructs as he sits Chan down on a wooden bench. “Are you listening to me?” His words still come out with a slight slur, but he sounds much more alert than he had a moment ago.

Chan nods, chest heaving harder and harder as he struggles to breathe. Tears cloud his field of vision, Soonyoung becoming nothing more than a blurry shape in front of him. “Good! You’re doing great,” he says encouragingly, taking Chan’s hands into his own. The younger grabs them tightly, squeezing as hard as he can. It helps him stay grounded, present. Soonyoung knows him too well.

“Okay, now count to ten and back again with me, okay? Just do the best you can. One...two...three…” Soonyoung continues counting, Chan struggling to count along with him. Suddenly everything around him feels too much. Blood rushes in his ears so loudly he can barely hear Soonyoung’s voice over the sound of his own heartbeat. 

The pair count to ten and back, but something is different. It’s not working. 

“Hyung it-it’s not w-working!” Chan cries, a sob threatening to rip its way out of his chest. He starts to tremble uncontrollably, fear seizing him with its icy grip and refusing to let go. “It’s n-not working!”

Soonyoung seems to visibly start panicking, unsure of what to do next. By now, he’d usually gotten Chan to at least breathe properly. “U-Uhh...okay, okay. Let’s try something else. Remember that time you stayed late with me working on the choreo for ‘Moonwalker’ and I started doing Michael Jackson impressions?”

Chan shuts his eyes tightly, struggling to focus on the memory. The two had laughed so hard their guts hurt for the rest of the night. He nods. “Y-You we’re so funny...”

“Why did I look so funny Channie?” Soonyoung continues, stroking his hair softly. Another way of grounding him. 

“T-The moonwalk...you didn’t d-do it right…” Chan remembers, a laugh bubbling inside of him and struggling to make its way out past the constriction of his chest. “Y-You dragged your feet too hard.” The tiniest giggle escapes his lips as Chan anchors onto the memory for dear life, willing himself to at least stop shaking so hard.

“And remember that time we went food shopping and you really wanted cheesecake but Cheol-hyung said to only get what we needed, so you snuck it under your jacket and threw it in at the last moment?”

Another giggle forces its way out of Chan’s lungs. “He was so m-mad…”

“And later he insisted on eating half of it right?”

“He wrestled me for it…and it flew…”

“And it hit me in the face! You laughed so hard!”

“I h-had to run and pee!”

“Right! Wasn’t that a funny time, Channie?” The younger nods, trembling beginning to slow as he forces himself to recall other funny moments.

“Th-The time Hao-hyung c-called you a punk on camera...”

“And the time I showed you my crab dance for the first time!”

“And when you t-tricked everyone into killing Gyu-hyung during mafia?” His breathing slowly begins to become less ragged, vision becoming clearer.

Soonyoung raises his chin softly, meeting Chan’s glassy gaze with his own. “When I kissed you?”

Chan suddenly furrows his eyebrows in confusion, heart skipping a beat. “W-When-”

~~~~~~end of TW~~~~~~

He doesn’t have time to finish the question. Soonyoung’s lips are already on his.

Chan’s body sets ablaze, neurons firing everywhere as he comes to life. His breathing halts completely, the only feeling he can zero in on being Soonyoung’s lips, soft, gentle, and plushy, on his own. Chan’s eyes drift closed as he forgets everything and everyone - the room he’s in, what he’s wearing, what happened just a few minutes before in the practice room, Jihoon, the fact that Soonyoung may very well have a concussion and not be thinking straight, his own insecurity - all of it. It fades away, his senses on overdrive and all caution thrown to the wind. 

He kisses back. It’s hesitant and insecure, as if Soonyoung would suddenly push him away and regret his actions. He doesn’t have to fear for long; Soonyoung’s hands come up to his cheeks and cup them in his hands. He holds him gently, as if he were made of porcelain. Chan wants to protest, but the feeling is too intoxicating. It feels as though he’d been underwater all this time, and he’s finally come up for air.

It’s everything Chan ever imagined and more, because Soonyoung is _perfect_.

And suddenly their lips are moving together, Chan following his lead. It’s slow and chaste, full of comfort and reassurance. Their noses gently brush against each other’s a few times, sending shivers down the younger’s spine. 

Chan can finally breathe.

Slowly, Soonyoung pulls away, their faces still mere inches from each other’s. The elder meets Chan’s gaze, a beautiful, all-encompassing warmth reflected in them. He smiles. “It worked,” he whispers, gently pushing Chan’s hair away from his face with one hand. “I thought it only worked in the movies.”

Chan swallows and nods slowly, at a complete loss for words. Soonyoung giggles softly, eyes hooded and still slightly hazy. “Feeling better Channie?” he asks. The younger blinks and nods, still unable to form a coherent sentence - not with Soonyoung this close. Not after finally having felt his kiss. 

Soonyoung nods and stands up, wobbling sideways and suddenly hissing. Worry instantly takes hold of Chan as he bounces upward and steadies him, searching for the source of his pain. “Did he hurt you, hyung?” he asks.

The elder squeezes his eyes shut and nods, holding onto Chan’s shoulder for support. “My ankle...I can’t put my weight on it. And my elbow won’t stop throbbing...fuck my head...”

“Well your head isn’t bleeding, but shit...hyung, that doesn’t look good.” Soonyoung’s elbow is starting to turn purple, the area now swelling in a way a bruise shouldn’t. Chan bends down to inspect the elder’s ankle and finds it in a similar condition. “Did you hear a pop?”

“I don’t remember...ow! Fuck, it hurts…”

“Sh-Should I call Cheol-hyung?”

Soonyoung shakes his head quickly, regretting it instantly as he sways to the side and hisses in pain. “No! He’s dealing with a lot right now. I can...I can handle this. I just need your help Channie.”

Chan nods quickly. “Okay, what do you need?”

The elder takes in a deep breath, trying to shift his weight again. A loud yelp puts an end to that attempt just as quickly. “Can you drive us back to the dorms? I need to elevate and ice them both.”

The younger nods hesitantly. “I’ll try...you know I’m not confident about my driving yet, hyung.”

“I know. Trust me, I know. I wouldn’t ask you to do this if I didn’t think you could. I’d do it myself but I can’t with my ankle like this and my head spinning like this. I need you Channie. Can you do your best for me?” Soonyoung’s eyes are pleading, mixed with other emotions Chan can’t quite decipher.

_I need you Channie._

_I need you._

Chan takes in a deep breath and nods, straightening up. Soonyoung needs him. 

“Anything for you.” And he means it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments and kudos really do motivate me and make my day! here's another chapter as a result. thank you so much for engaging! <3


	5. but don’t cry, it may seem sad but i’m here for you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan deals with the aftermath of the group's explosion, and Soonyoung needs him more than he cares to admit.
> 
> title from "Pinwheel" - SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> random observation but i feel like chan often doesn't get the recognition from the fandom that he deserves - lee chan is so, so, so talented and amazing!! with great reason one of my favorite members in svt <3  
> stream his fancams, stream dino's danceology, and support the living shit out of lee chan (brownie points to you if you already do!!!!!!)

By the time the other members arrive back at the dorms, Soonyoung has fallen asleep. Chan watches the others approach the building from Soonyoung’s window, unwilling to leave the elder’s side.

Chan quickly came to the conclusion that Soonyoung really does have a concussion; the entire ride home, the blond’s headache had only worsened. He’d had to stick his head out of the car window twice to vomit. He’d complained to Chan about a horrible ringing in his ears and the way the streetlights worsened his nausea. It took Chan supporting Soonyoung’s weight on himself to help the unit leader up to the dorms and into bed. 

Chan had busied himself with icing Soonyoung’s elbow and ankle, propping the latter up on some pillows while waiting for Seungcheol and their manager, Hyosung, to return. Soonyoung mumbled unintelligibly, but from the few words that Chan managed to catch, it sounded like he was trying to process everything that had happened.

Soonyoung cried. A lot. Chan didn’t know how to make it stop, so he did the only sensible thing. He let the blond cry on his shoulder until he finally gave into the exhaustion in his body.

Only then does Chan manage to unglue himself from Soonyoung’s side and head downstairs to meet the other members. He discovers that no one has any idea of Jihoon or Junhui’s whereabouts. Seokmin stayed behind with Seungcheol waiting for Seungkwan to wake up. Neither Jeonghan nor Joshua are talking to anyone. It’s as if Joshua has completely shut down, and Jeonghan is still struggling to understand how things turned so ugly so suddenly.

The sight of Chan seems to shake Jeonghan out of his stupor. He pauses in his tracks, letting the others go up without him. “Where’s Soonyoung?” he asks softly, brows knitted with worry.

“He’s asleep. Jihoon-hyung really hurt him,” Chan replies softly, eyes stinging with unshed tears at the memory of Jihoon shoving Soonyoung so violently. “He needs to go to a hospital, but he wouldn’t let me call anyone.” He sighs deeply. “I don’t understand any of it, hyung.”

Jeonghan’s eyes darken with anger, but his expression remains otherwise exhausted. “Thank you for taking care of him. You shouldn’t have had to do that yourself. It should’ve been us.” 

Chan shakes his head. “A lot happened, hyung. You couldn’t possibly make yourself responsible for that, too.” 

“But it _was_ our fault...we weren’t focusing or taking things seriously, and look at all it caused.”

“The others will understand. Everyone’s just angry at everything at this point. Don’t be too hard on yourself, hyung. We still have time to get things right for the tour, anyway.”

Jeonghan rubs his eyes tiredly and offers a curt nod, following Chan up to the 6th floor dorms.

The tension in the air is so thick that Chan could cut it with a knife. Wonwoo has settled into his bed in the living room and faces the wall, making his reluctance for any interaction with the others clear as day. The door to Jihoon and Mingyu’s room is closed, Mingyu blasting music inside - a coping mechanism, or perhaps a welcome distraction. Chan only wonders how heavy the atmosphere at the dorm upstairs must be, with Soonyoung out cold with a concussion, Minghao in the worst of moods, and a worried Hansol alone with his thoughts.

Joshua has already disappeared into his room, door locked behind him. Jeonghan spends the better part of a half-hour trying to convince Joshua to talk to him, to no avail. Joshua refuses to come out, not even when Jeonghan begs. Chan, despite giving the two their space and waiting in the living room for something - _literally anything_ \- to happen, feels his heart break at how small and broken Jeonghan’s voice gradually becomes as time passes.

The blond refuses to move from his spot on the floor outside of Joshua’s door despite looking as though he’s been run over by a truck. Chan understands, eventually bringing him a bottle of water wordlessly. Jeonghan accepts it and meets his gaze, offering the younger dancer a tired, weak smile. Chan can only offer a semi-encouraging smile back, completely at a loss for words. 

What could he possibly say to his hyung to cheer him up and make him feel better, after the degrading insults Jihoon flung at him and Joshua for being who they were? What advice could possibly be enough when Jeonghan’s own boyfriend has closed himself off to him, leaving his hyung struggling through his emotions alone? What could Chan possibly have to offer besides a sympathetic apology that Jeonghan most definitely doesn’t need right now?

The younger turns to walk away, unable to look at his broken hyung anymore. A knot forms in his throat at the sight of Jeonghan wiping away a stray tear and running his shaky hands through his blond locks for the nth time that evening.

“Chan-ah?” Jeonghan calls, voice hoarse from having yelled so much earlier.

“Yes, hyung? Do you need something?”

Jeonghan shakes his head and smiles sadly. “You don’t have to stay. It’s okay. Go take care of Soonie. He needs it.”

“Will you come up soon?”

“Don’t worry about me - leave the worrying to hyung. Go, it’s okay.”

“I-I can stay, it’s no problem-”

“Lee Chan, I’m not asking,” Jeonghan says sternly, contrasting with the sad but tender look in his eyes. “I know Soonyoung is the person you really want to be with right now. That’s okay.”

Chan freezes, fists clenching and neck reddening. “W-What? Why do you say that?”

A tiny, thoughtful smile turns up the corners of Jeonghan’s lips, and just for a split second, the usual teasing glint in Jeonghan’s eyes returns. “Nothing. Go on, hyung will be okay.”

The younger swallows and nods, reluctantly backing away from Jeonghan. The elder nods encouragingly, waving at him halfheartedly. From a distance, he looks a lot worse than Chan thought. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, heavy with exhaustion. Dried tear tracks are evident on his nose and pale cheeks, rubbed raw with the amount of tears he must have wiped away. His normally soft, flowing blond locks appear tangled and out of place, the roots dull from Jeonghan having run his fingers through them so many times. Even his lips appear reddened and abused, likely from anxious chewing.

Sitting on the floor outside of Joshua’s door, knees brought up to his chest, Jeonghan looks smaller and more vulnerable than ever before. It hurts Chan unlike anything ever has. Walking up the stairs to the 8th floor dorms, Chan feels a surge of anger rise in his chest at the thought of Jihoon having broken his hyung that way. 

Yoon Jeonghan, who always puts the younger members before himself, who always looks out for his well-being like a blood brother, who endearingly teases him to no end about being the youngest, who feels life deeper than many of the other members, who loves their fans more than his own life, who insists that he’d have nothing great to live for without SEVENTEEN.

Yoon Jeonghan doesn’t deserve this. 

Chan’s watery gaze meets Hansol’s as he walks through the door, and somehow, without the need for words to be spoken, they understand each other better than they ever have before.

“Jeonghan-hyung?”

“He’s still downstairs.”

A pause. “Shua-hyung?” Hansol asks with a deep frown, voice tight with controlled emotion.

The younger sighs. “Won’t come out of his room. He’s even ignoring Hannie-hyung.”

The elder nods, sighing deeply. “I was worried this would happen. He’s having an identity crisis.”

Chan frowns in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Shua-hyung was already having a hard time accepting himself because of his religion. He’s terrified of what his family will think, or what being attracted to men means for him. He told me that it took a really long time, but Jeonghan-hyung had finally helped him accept himself and reconcile his two identities. The things Jihoon-hyung said today probably plunged him back into his internal crisis.” Hansol rubs his face tiredly and shakes his head. “I have a really bad feeling...I don’t think this is going to end well, Chan.”

The younger’s stomach sinks at Hansol’s words. “Hyung no...don’t say that. I mean, things can’t possibly get worse than they are now. Right?”

Hansol doesn’t reply immediately, eyes focused on his hands. “I hope you’re right.”

The sound of the front door opening catches the two’s attention. Hansol lets out an audible sigh of relief at the sight of Seungkwan walking in, trailed by Seungcheol and Hyosung. Their leader looks conflicted in so many ways; Chan wonders how he’ll even manage to get a wink of sleep tonight. Perhaps he won’t at all, much like he himself won’t either - not while worrying for Soonyoung’s condition.

“Kwannie,” Hansol says softly as he approaches Seungkwan and offers him a tight hug. Seungkwan seems to melt into it, burying his face in Hansol’s neck. A part of Chan tells him to look away, for some reason feeling as though he were intruding on a rather intimate moment. So he does, focusing on Seungcheol and Hyosung, who are approaching him now.

“He’s stable. The medics figured that he fainted due to overexertion while practicing,” Hyosung says, rubbing his face tiredly. “He’ll have to take a break for a couple of days to regain strength. We can’t have him working himself too hard.”

Chan and Seungcheol exchange a knowing look, but neither comment. “How’s Soonyoung?” Seungcheol asks instead, eyebrows creasing in worry.

“He’s not doing well, hyung. I think he has a concussion. His elbow and ankle are also really swollen and bruised. He’s asleep right now.”

Hyosung’s head snaps up in shock. “Wait, what? Hoshi’s injured? How the hell did that happen?” he snaps. “Someone explain to me what the hell happened in that practice room today!”

Chan swallows, exchanging a worried look with Seungkwan. Hansol looks down at the floor, and Seungcheol opens his mouth to say something - anything - that would explain the complete shambles that is their group.

“Ah...well hyung, the truth is -”

“I was careless, hyung,” a groggy voice speaks up from the hallway leading to the bedrooms. Five pairs of eyes all focus on Soonyoung, who leans against a wall for support. Minghao stands behind him, a regretful look in his eyes and supportive hand on his shoulder. “I lost my balance and fell during one of the choreographies.”

Hyosung stares at Soonyoung with a glint of suspicion in his eye. “Soonyoung, that’s not like you at all. Are you sure that’s what happened?”

Soonyoung winces at the sound of Hyosung’s stern voice and nods. “It was my fault. I’m really sorry, hyung.”

Chan doesn’t miss the bitter look that flashes in Seungcheol’s eyes. He thinks he knows what could possibly be crossing the leader’s mind - _Why are we covering for Jihoon, after what he said and did? Why does he deserve our protection?_

“Shit...the higher-ups are going to have my head for this. How could you be so careless, Soonyoung? Do you realize how bad this is? You can’t dance on that ankle for at least a couple of months. The dome tour kicks off in a few weeks!”

“Hyung, I’m sure we can work something out. I think we should worry about getting Soonyoung to the hospital first,” Seungcheol speaks up, a deep frown settling on his face. Hyosung is a great manager, really, but his priorities aren’t always _theirs_. Chan stifles the urge to roll his eyes.

Hyosung sighs and nods. “Right, right. I’m sorry. Soonyoung, go with Seungcheol and meet me in the company car. Where’s Jeonghan and Joshua? I’d like update them -”

“No!” Chan shouts, immediately regretting it when Soonyoung hisses in pain and rubs his temples. Hyosung stares at the youngest with a questioning look, eyes full of confusion and shock at his sudden outburst. Seungcheol’s eyes fill with alarm.

“No?” Hyosung repeats.

“N-No...Shua-hyung is asleep already. He said he was really tired from all the nights he hasn’t slept well. And Hannie-hyung…”

“He went to the grocery store to buy food for us. The fridge is empty. You know how hyung is about everyone eating well,” Hansol adds quickly, tone a lot calmer than Chan’s.

Hyosung stares at the two strangely for a moment before nodding in resignation. “Fine, then you three let them know of what’s happening. And if you happen to run into Jihoon, tell him he left his stuff at the practice studio.” With that, the manager turns and walks out of the unit, grumbling something about “these strange kids” under his breath and how he “doesn’t get paid enough.”

Seungcheol quickly makes his way over to Soonyoung and hugs him tightly. “I’m so sorry-”

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault,” the dancer replies softly. Over Seungcheol’s shoulder, his gaze meets Chan’s, and the glistening wetness in Soonyoung’s upturned eyes is undeniable.

“Come with me,” Soonyoung mouths, eyes pleading and hopeful.

Chan nods, offering Soonyoung a soft smile that the elder returns, shoulders relaxing in relief.

Seungcheol pulls away and turns to Hansol, Seungkwan, and Minghao. “You guys stay up here and give Jeonghan and Joshua their space. If anything happens or Junhui turns up, tell him to call me, please. Chan, I’ll need you to keep watch for-”

“Chan’s coming with us,” Soonyoung interjects. “I want him there.”

Seungcheol shoots Chan a questioning look, to which the younger nods softly. _It’s okay_ , he means to say. _I want to be with him._

The leader seems to catch on and nods once. “Alright. Let’s go then.”

And on the way down, and during the entire ride to the hospital, and even while exams and tests are run, Chan never lets go of Soonyoung’s hand.

And while it might very well be Chan’s own imagination, when he almost, _almost_ , lets go, he could swear he feels Soonyoung’s grip tighten, like a silent plea to stay.

Even as the doctors tell Soonyoung that he’s okay, that the CT scans show no sign of serious head trauma besides a mild concussion, that his elbow is bruised, but not sprained, that his ankle will be healed in a matter of weeks, Chan still doesn’t let go.

Even after they return to the dorms after Soonyoung is cleared, Chan doesn’t let go.

And even after the unit leader is tucked into bed for the night, _Soonyoung_ doesn’t let go. So Chan stays.

Chan curls into Soonyoung’s side, sharing his reassuring warmth as Soonyoung presses a soft kiss to the younger’s temple.

“Thank you,” Soonyoung whispers, “for everything.” Chan’s hold only tightens. 

Neither let go for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really boost my confidence! anything is welcome <3 thank you guys for reading and interacting! it means the world to me.


	6. turns out the love i wanted to give you is hurting me more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a conflicted Jihoon returns, Chan is faced with a shocking revelation, and Hansol's terrible gut feeling comes to life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH I'M BACK!!! y'all please don't hate me!!! trust me...i did warn in the tags that it gets worse before it gets better :((( but things will work out eventually, i promise!!! don't give up on me yet!! 
> 
> also side note, don't be too hard on hoonie...bby is very conflicted :(
> 
> title from "Fear" - SEVENTEEN

Chan has never been much for believing in omens.

Omens are just superstitious coping mechanisms for trying to understand the future, a made up concept meant to warn of ominous events approaching. They’re just that - _symbols_. Some warped idea which stems from anxiety over what is to come.

Omens don’t mean a thing. But _premonitions_...well, those are different. And it so happens that Hansol’s premonition from the night before was right.

Chan and Soonyoung are usually the first to arrive at the practice room - it’s almost tradition for the two. They arrive an hour before the others to stretch and discuss choreographies, Soonyoung always reliant on Chan’s insight and creativity. Today isn’t supposed to be any different; with Soonyoung out of commission until his ankle fully recovers, the unit leader asks Chan to take the lead in running dance practices with the group.

But today _is_ different, because unlike any other day, the pair aren’t the first at the studio.

Chan startles and almost backs into Soonyoung at the sight of Jihoon sitting in the middle of the room, coffee in hand and wide eyes staring back at the pair.

Behind him, Soonyoung inhales sharply. Chan’s heart beats so hard against his ribcage that he wonders if even Jihoon can hear it from where he sits. His stomach twists and turns - how did he think he was going to feel, seeing the little black-haired man responsible for the damage done the day before?

Perhaps he thought he’d feel something like this - anger, hurt, resentment, betrayal, or rejection. Instead, he finds himself feeling the exact opposite as he observes his hyung - empathy, understanding, worry, _forgiveness_.

Sitting in the middle of the floor, dark circles under his eyes, hair poking out in odd angles, complexion devoid of all color, smaller than he’s ever looked before, Jihoon just seems _lost_. 

Soonyoung’s voice cuts through the silence like a knife, causing Chan to flinch. “God, Hoon, where have you been?” he questions, and yet, there isn’t a hint of venom in his voice. The blond just seems...worried. Relieved, even. It catches Chan, and by the looks of it, Jihoon, off guard.

Jihoon furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “W-What?”

Soonyoung hobbles past Chan on his crutch, careful to keep any pressure off of his ankle. “Do you know how worried I was? You can’t just disappear like that, after what happened, Hoon!”

If Jihoon looked lost before, he looks doubly so now. “Soonyoung what- aren’t you angry? Why aren’t you angry?” he asks, voice an octave higher than usual. It’s now that Chan sees the way his eyes glisten in the early morning light filtering in through the windows.

_Why do I have the feeling that I’m intruding on something I shouldn't be?_

Soonyoung shakes his head and takes a couple steps closer. “Don’t do that, Hoon...You know I can’t be angry at you.”

Jihoon shakes his head quickly. “No! You should be! Look at yourself! Look at...what I did to you. You should…this doesn’t make sense.”

“What do you want me to feel, then?” Soonyoung asks, already clearly emotionally exhausted.

“Anything but worried! I want you to be angry, furious even! I want you to hate me, because I deserve it. I hurt you, and I hurt the hyungs really badly. Hell, I’d gladly take a punch or ten right now. Right now I’d even accept a suspension from the group, but not...not this, Soonyoung.”

“Jihoon...stop. You messed up, yes. But you can’t ask that of me. You know why.”

Jihoon’s eyes flick back to Chan for the first time since Soonyoung spoke up. Chan swallows thickly, a horrible feeling beginning to settle in his chest. “Uh...should I go?”

“Yes.”

“No!”

Chan stares at the two in confusion, feeling conflicted. “Um…”

“Channie, it’s okay. Leave us,” Soonyoung says softly, turning toward Chan and nodding softly.

“No, please don’t go,” Jihoon almost begs, eyes spilling over. “Don’t go, Chan.”

“Jihoon, why are you being like this?” Soonyoung asks, frustration creeping into his voice as he pinches the bridge of his nose. He takes another step toward Jihoon, who further takes a step back, hands held in front of him. 

“Don’t come any closer, please.”

“Come on Hoon, no. When are you going to stop this? Chan can you please-”

“Chan, I swear if you walk out that door, I’ll leave and I won’t come back,” Jihoon snaps, hands visibly shaking.

Chan feels a familiar, choking hold called anxiety beginning to creep and claw at his ribcage. “P-Please don’t put me in this position, hyungs-”

“Why do you keep running from me, Jihoon? Running from yourself?” Soonyoung yells, voice cracking at the end. And suddenly, Chan senses something very, _very wrong_. It feels like a rock settling in his stomach, or a freezing bucket of water being dumped on his head.

He feels like throwing up.

“Because I don’t deserve you or your love, Soon! I just don’t deserve it!” Jihoon cries, covering his eyes and choking on a sob. 

And there it is. Chan has never felt so pathetically stupid and insignificant in his life.

 _Is this what heartbreak feels like?_ Because it sure feels like his heart just ripped in two.

“No, don’t...don’t say that, please-”

“A part of me wished that after I shoved you yesterday, you’d hate me and stop...this. I want you to hate me...because I can’t handle the opposite. I’m... _poison_ ,” Jihoon chokes out, wiping his tears away with the paw of his sweater. “I’m so sorry.”

Soonyoung closes his eyes, a tear beginning to slip down his cheek. “But I love you.”

Chan feels bile rising in his throat. He can’t...it’s too much…

_I love you._

He runs as fast as his legs can carry him.

Distantly, he hears Soonyoung’s and Jihoon’s voices calling out after him and a pair of footsteps following behind. He doesn’t have the time to look back.

Chan bursts into the restroom and throws himself at a toilet just in time to empty his stomach. The sensation burns worse than the unshed tears in his eyes or the skin of his neck. Everything just burns like hell. 

_You pathetic, delusional, naive child. Of course you never meant anything to him. How could you? You’re just a stupid kid, his little brother. Soonyoung would never look at you that way._

This whole time, while Chan deluded himself into believing that Soonyoung needed him, that perhaps there was a sliver of hope for him, Soonyoung has been in love with Lee Jihoon.

Jihoon loves him back. It all makes sense, and at the same time doesn’t. His head hurts.

“Channie?” a voice says softly from behind him. Chan doesn’t have to turn around to recognize Jihoon’s hesitant voice. He heaves again into the toilet, realizing that there isn’t anything left to throw up. Everything hurts. His head, his heart, his body - it all just _hurts_.

“I’m fine,” Chan croaks, wincing at the burn in his throat.

“Don’t lie. You know I hate that,” Jihoon replies, sitting down on the floor and resting his back against the wall. Chan sighs and flushes the toilet, looking anywhere but at Jihoon. A part of him thinks that if he does, the elder will be able to read his broken heart like an open book.

Chan doesn’t think he can take one more person realizing how pathetic he is. At least Seungcheol understands him. He’s still unsure of whether Jeonghan knows more about his feelings than he lets on, but nonetheless the thought of a third person - Jihoon of all people - finding out just how deep Chan’s feelings for Soonyoung run makes his head throb even harder.

“I-I didn’t know you and hyung-”

“We’re not,” Jihoon interrupts, already figuring out where Chan was going. “It’s...complicated.”

“So complicated you had to hurt him to make it un-complicated?” Chan retorts, unable to control the bite in his voice. “He cried so much. You know he hardly cries.”

Jihoon winces and shakes his head. “I know you won’t understand. I hated hurting him. I didn’t even realize how hard I pushed him until I saw him this morning. I just…” Jihoon trails off, seemingly having a hard time putting his thoughts together. 

Chan swallows thickly, willing the stupid stinging and blurriness in his eyes to go away. “Is this why you lashed out yesterday? You felt...conflicted?”

Jihoon sighs deeply. “I can’t really explain why. Soonie and I...we’d talked about the possibility of having something before. At first, it was easy to turn him down...I could use the company finding out as an excuse, or ‘what will the other members think?’ All I kept thinking about was how starting a relationship with Soonyoung could ruin our friendship or the group dynamic. I always thought of the group first. Then the hyungs came out and announced their relationship to us. It all became so real...Soonyoung got so fucking excited. To him, that was a green light for us. I turned him down again, said I still wasn’t ready to take the risk. I just knew I’d fuck it up somehow, and I didn’t want him to get hurt. I just wanted him to give up and let it go.”

Chan remembers the conversation he and Seungcheol saw Jihoon and Soonyoung having the night Joshua and Jeonghan came out. Putting the pieces together, it makes complete sense. Chan was just too blind to see it. The frustration on Soonyoung’s face, the way Jihoon abruptly walked off...it was all right in front of him, and he didn’t see it.

Knowing what he knows now makes Chan feel all the more ridiculous.

“He didn’t let it go, did he?” Chan asks, trying to control the wobble of his lip.

Jihoon chuckles dryly and shakes his head. “Of course he didn’t. Soonyoung is stubborn as hell. Over the weeks he brought it up a few more times. Seeing the hyungs so happy and in love just fueled his hope. But I couldn’t. He wanted to feel what they felt, and I knew I couldn’t give that to him. He wants the skinship and the cheesy romance - the exact things I hate. Everyday, the hyungs just reminded me of everything I can’t give him. I think I just hit a breaking point yesterday, and people got hurt. I really didn’t mean to, but it just happened. Now I have no idea how to fix it.”

“An apology is a good place to start,” Chan suggests, grimacing at the thought of how broken Jeonghan looked the night before.

“They won’t forgive me.”

“You don’t know that-”

“I do. Chan, I hurled the ugliest insults at them yesterday. As far as they’re concerned, I’m a textbook sexist homophobe.” Chan falls silent at this, because the truth is, Jeonghan would probably never forgive him. Thinking otherwise would be stupidly optimistic of both of them. 

“Can I ask you something?” Jihoon asks after a minute of silence. Chan nods, feeling his chest tighten anxiously. “Why did you get so upset back there? Is there something I should know?”

Chan swallows and shakes his head. “No I just...wasn’t expecting that. Not after yesterday.”

“You took care of Soonyoung yesterday, didn’t you?” Jihoon’s eyes are intense and hard to read, as if he were purposely trying to hide emotions. It makes Chan squirm, but he nods nonetheless. Jihoon nods a little to himself, corners of his lips turning upwards in a rueful smile. “Of course you did. Everything I can’t do for him.”

“You could if you wanted to,” Chan says softly, realizing just how resigned he sounds.

The elder thinks for a moment before shaking his head. “Channie, how could I take care of someone else if I can’t even take care of myself?” And again, Chan is left without an answer.

“But you...you would take great care of him, wouldn’t you?”

Chan blinks in confusion, instantly panicking. “W-What do you mean?”

Jihoon stares at Chan intently. Closer up, Chan can truly see the dried up tear tracks on Jihoon’s cheeks and the redness of his eyes. If he stares back deeply enough, he can see the emotional torment in Jihoon’s gaze, not too different from that in Soonyoung’s eyes last night.

 _Is it possible to physically age so much overnight?_ Chan wonders, because Jihoon suddenly looks ten years older.

Naturally, Jihoon deflects. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone of what I’ve told you today.”

Chan frowns. “But it’s really not that bad! If you explain to Hannie-hyung maybe he’ll-”

“ _Promise me_ , Chan,” Jihoon repeats, panic flashing in his eyes. Chan remembers Seungcheol’s words that night - how deeply the vocal unit leader values his privacy. After the show he just witnessed back in the practice room between him and Soonyoung, he sees it even clearer.

Jihoon is deathly afraid of sharing his innermost feelings, so much so that he’d rather everyone continue hating him than explain the true reasons for his outburst.

“I promise,” Chan replies, even if deep down he knows such things shouldn’t be kept secret. Another thought occurs to him. “What happened to you and Jun-hyung yesterday?”

Jihoon grimaces. “He caught up to me in the parking lot, and we had a heated argument. I might have thrown a punch and broken his phone. That’s when he knew something was seriously wrong with me and wouldn’t let me go until I told him. We then decided that I couldn’t go back to the dorms right away, so he stayed with me at a hotel for the night. We talked...a lot.”

“Does he know about Soonie-hyung?”

“No! Not about him. But he knows about me. He thinks I lashed out because I’m having a serious identity crisis, and it’s going to stay that way, right?” Chan nods, to Jihoon’s satisfaction.

The sound of quickly approaching footsteps causes both men to tense. “Hyung, just tell Han-”

“No, Chan. And that’s final.”

At that same moment, Junhui steps into the restroom, a frown on his lips. Chan’s eyes widen at the sight of a light green pigment on the side of Junhui’s cheek, even after what appears to be layers of foundation and concealer covering up the worst of it. Jihoon wasn’t kidding; he must have hit Junhui _hard_. The thought of his hyungs physically fighting makes him sick to his stomach, which threatens to painfully contract and force Chan’s head into the toilet bowl once again. He feels Jihoon tense next to him as if he were caught doing something he shouldn’t be.

Junhui eyes the two, worry and concern flashing in his eyes as he speaks up. “Everything alright in here? Chan are you okay?”’

Jihoon doesn’t say a word, opting to look down at his hands instead. The younger swallows and nods, albeit unconvincingly. “Y-Yeah...everything’s fine, hyung.”

It only takes a second of Chan meeting Junhui’s gaze to know that the eldest doesn’t buy it. And yet, to Chan’s relief, he doesn’t press. He never does. “Okay, because we have a situation.”

Chan’s heart sinks into his stomach. Another one? As if finding out that the one person he quite literally _breathes_ for is in love with someone else isn’t enough shit for the day?

“A situation?” Chan repeats, voice trembling with nerves. This catches Jihoon’s attention, the vocalist’s cat-like eyes trained on Junhui instantly.

Junhui sighs and rubs his eyes tiredly. “Come on, and I’ll explain.”

Jihoon and Chan exchange a knowing look, the elder almost begging Chan once again to keep quiet on his emotional exchange with Soonyoung earlier. Chan looks away - anywhere but Jihoon. He still can’t quite digest it - how did everyone miss it? Hell, how did _he_ miss it?

How could Soonyoung be in love with _Jihoon_? He doesn’t even care if he’s thinking like a spoiled high schooler who didn’t get his way with his longtime crush. It just feels _wrong_. The idea of Soonyoung being in love with someone that isn’t him just doesn’t sit right with him. 

Chan blinks away more tears threatening to spill as he and Jihoon follow Junhui out. This isn’t about him - he can cry and scream and throw a tantrum in the privacy of his room - oh wait, he has no privacy in his room…

Well...he can worry about processing his feelings later. There are more important things going on right now - such as the tiny little matter of hiding just how badly the group is doing from Hyosung and Hyerim, who would be sitting in on their rehearsals today.

Or this new... _situation_ , as Junhui describes it. And as it turns out, this _situation_ is the nightmare scenario that no one even thought of for a second - no one except Hansol, it seems.

“Jeonghan came in a complete mess. He’s choking on tears and demanding that we start practicing immediately, even though half the group still hasn’t arrived yet and...well, he’s hyperventilating. Cheol-hyung is trying to get him to open up and talk, but it’s just getting worse.”

Chan feels his heart sink into his stomach, head suddenly feeling heavier than ever. “What happened? Has he said?”

Junhui shakes his head. “No, he just keeps begging to start practice.”

Jihoon abruptly pauses in his tracks the moment the three reach the doors of the practice room. Jeonghan’s cries can be heard from the hallway. “I can’t go in there.”

“Why _not_ , Jihoon?” Junhui groans, and Chan doesn’t think he’s ever heard the elder sound as irritated as he does now, not once in all the years he’s known him. “You need to fix this.”

“Because I have a feeling I know what happened, and I mean it when I say Jeonghan-hyung will quite literally kill me on sight.”

The bad feeling is back - the _premonition_. Suddenly Chan doesn’t care that Junhui is protesting, trying to get through to Jihoon and why he should be marching into the practice room on his knees, begging for forgiveness. The younger shakes his head softly and runs in, knowing what he has to do. He has no idea how he knows what Jeonghan needs, but before he can question it, he’s pushing Seungcheol out of the way and pulling his crying hyung into a tight embrace.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry,” Chan says softly, squeezing the elder tightly.

The words break him. Jeonghan momentarily ceases in his frantic begging for distraction, for working his body to the maximum to forget what’s happened. He stops flailing and fighting, and without warning, crumples into a heap in Chan’s arms. The weight sinks the two to the floor, Jeonghan burying his face in Chan’s neck.

Somehow, Jeonghan calms down, no longer on the verge of a massive panic attack. No, now all he can do is cry.

He cries and cries some more, soaking up Chan’s shirt as the younger cards his fingers through Jeonghan’s greasy blond locks. He lets his own tears fall silently - for his hyung, for Jihoon, for Soonyoung, for Seungcheol, for the group, _for himself_.

“I’m so sorry,” Chan can only whisper, sounding like a broken record. And yet, those words are all Jeonghan needs to hear. The elder grips tighter, fisting Chan’s shirt.

His blurry gaze meets Seungcheol’s, whose eyebrows are knitted together in worry and helplessness, bottom lip wobbling as he struggles to control his emotions. His gaze then meets Soonyoung’s, who watches Chan with an unreadable expression, dried tears on his own cheeks.

His gaze flicks between Junhui and Jihoon, who has managed to walk into the practice room and watch from a distance, eyes red from holding back his own tears. They meet Hansol’s, whose face crumples with dejection at the realization that his premonition was true.

And he knows - _they both know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everyone's comments have made me feel all happy and fuzzy, so thank you so so much for interacting!!! it really makes my day and motivates me <3


	7. so please don’t love me, only pain will remain anyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan's private feelings aren't so...private anymore.
> 
> title from "Lie Again" - SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was really short so i'll double-update today :) yay!

Joshua ended things with Jeonghan.

It was short - no “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of excuses, no apologies, no explanations. It was just an end. A quick and bitter end in the form of words sitting in Jeonghan’s text messages.

To everyone’s shock, Jeonghan barely even acknowledges Jihoon’s presence, sparing only so much as a brief glare. Somehow, this is worse. It’s as if after crying out all of his conflicting emotions, the blond has simply shut down. In fact, not even Joshua’s arrival to the practice room seems to faze Jeonghan. It’s as if it were another normal day for him, save the telltale red-rimmed eyes and puffy cheeks.

Jeonghan’s performance is so convincing that during the entirety of practice, neither Hyosung nor Hyerim picks up on the awkward tension in the room. It’s as if Jeonghan’s sudden security powers the entire group through and makes them push through the awkward tensions.

Chan doesn’t go easy, either. If there’s ever been a single thing he’s been proud of about himself, it’s his ability to convert his emotions into energy, energy into passion, and passion into art. And with the storm of conflicting emotions swirling inside him, Chan leads one of the most productive rehearsals the group has had in a _very_ long time.

The maknae doesn’t realize how hard he is actually going until Seokmin approaches him during one of their ten minute water breaks, panting and out of breath. “Hey Channie...I know you’re all young and full of energy, but take it easy on us elderly hyungs, eh?” he says with a teasing smile and a nudge to the side.

The younger can’t help but smile back; no matter how horrible a day any of the members are having, Seokmin always still manages to draw out a smile or a laugh. Even during difficult moments such as these, Chan is thankful that Seokmin’s contagious good mood never changes.

“You’ll just have to keep up, hyung. I’m not stopping for you!” Chan replies with a laugh, plopping down on the wooden floor and taking a long swig from a water bottle.

The elder shakes his head in lament. “And here I thought having you leading practice instead of Soonie-hyung would be easier!” Seokmin sits beside him, and his smile dims at the sight of Joshua and Jeonghan on opposite sides of the room, not so subtly trying to avoid looking at each other. Seokmin lets out a long, heavy sigh. “The hyungs are really hurting, huh?”

Chan looks down at his hands, the heaviness in his chest coming back. “They’re not the only ones.”

“What do you mean? Who else is hurting?”

_Seungcheol. Soonyoung. Jihoon...me._

Chan shrugs, pulling himself out of his thoughts. “Aren’t we all?”

The elder nods a little. “I suppose we are. I can’t remember the last time we fought this badly as a group.”

“I don’t think we ever have.”

“Do you really think Jihoon-hyung meant all the things he said?” A glimmer of hope sparkles in Seokmin’s eyes - of course, he would be the one to see the best in people and give Jihoon the benefit of the doubt.

“I know he didn’t,” Chan replies finally, eyes flicking over to where Jihoon and Soonyoung are talking quietly, almost as if they were in their own little world. Knowing what he knows now, Chan can even see it - the adoring look that Soonyoung regards Jihoon with, as if Jihoon had pinned up the stars in the night sky himself. Soonyoung has never been quite adept at masking his emotions. Jihoon, on the other hand, is almost too adept at it, as if he’d had a whole lifetime of practice. Chan can’t find a single trace of Jihoon’s feelings toward Soonyoung anywhere - not in his expression, not in his posture, not even in his body language. From an outsider’s point of view, Soonyoung’s feelings appear completely one-sided.

He feels a painful tug on his heartstrings. _Is this what Soonyoung and I must look like?_

“Uh...Channie? Earth to Lee Chan!” Seokmin says, waving his hand in the younger’s face with a laugh. “You alright there buddy?”

Chan snaps out of his thoughts and stares at Seokmin with wide-eyes. “Wait what?”

“I was just asking how you knew that...you know, that Jihoon didn’t mean it.”

The younger shrugs at the question. “I just...do. Hoonie-hyung loves them, even if he doesn’t show it too much. He wouldn’t ever hurt them on purpose.”

“You think he’s having a hard time, then?” Seokmin asks with a frown. “I wish I knew what was going on! I bet things would make a lot more sense. Maybe we could fix all this if we just knew.”

“You know how private he is about his feelings. I don’t think we’ll ever fully know what’s going on in that musical genius head of his,” Chan replies with a small chuckle, wincing at how forced it sounds. Seokmin’s eyebrows twitch slightly, having caught the same thing. Chan watches a momentary debate flicker in his eyes, before the elder seemingly decides against asking.

The two continue making small talk, occasionally giggling at something Minghao and Mingyu do. For a moment, it feels nice, normal even. Seokmin makes things easy, with his bright grin and optimism. He’s funny and extremely caring, reassuring and supportive. For a moment, Chan’s heart doesn’t feel like it’s been torn in half, the frayed strings piled in a heap at Soonyoung’s feet. For a moment, Chan lets himself forget about Soonyoung, about Jihoon, about _everyone._

Seokmin observes him silently for a moment once the conversation dies down. “Hey Channie...after practice, do you want to get some ice cream around here? You know, take your mind off of things?”

Chan thinks for a moment, imagining the heavy atmosphere at the dorms later on. He wouldn’t be able to avoid Soonyoung there, and Jeonghan might need some time alone - maybe with Seungcheol. His mind is made up before he can even finish processing his thoughts.

“Yeah, that’d be great actually. Well...as long as you’re paying of course,” the younger teases, giggling at Seokmin’s overexaggerated look of disgrace.

“Lee Chan! How dare you take advantage of your hyung like that?”

“Hey, if you invite, you pay!” Chan counters, laughing out loud. _God, does it feel good to laugh._

Seokmin shakes his head and sighs. “Alright, alright. You win, maknae, but next time-”

A shadow casting over the two stops Seokmin mid-sentence, eyes shooting upward. Chan’s stomach clenches and twists, the nagging feeling to heave over a toilet taking over again.  
“Hey guys, sorry to interrupt. Seokmin-ah, can I borrow Channie for a moment?” Soonyoung asks, eyes trained on the younger. Chan swallows and desperately prays to literally any god up there for Seokmin to stay, for Hyerim to call an end to their break, _for any distraction_ , actually- 

“Oh, sure hyung. Catch ya later, Channie! Ice cream on me,” Seokmin chirps before getting up and finding someone else to bother - someone else being a very reluctant-looking Hansol.

Soonyoung stares at Chan for a moment longer before speaking up, a small smile gently turning up the corners of his lips. He seems hesitant, nervous even. “Mind if I sit?”

Chan stiffens at the question. “Y-You’re my hyung...you don’t have to ask.”

The elder’s eyebrows twitch with surprise at Chan’s awkwardly distant reply, but he doesn’t comment any further. He supports himself on his crutch and slides down the mirrored wall to the floor. “I can tell you’re giving it your all today, Channie. You’re doing so well leading. I’m really proud of you.”

Chan shifts uncomfortably, skin beginning to heat and itch at the same time at Soonyoung’s closeness. He hates this - hates how easily his body reacts to Soonyoung, how he still manages to hang on every word he says, how his praise makes his heart skip a beat and quicken in pace. He hates the effect the elder has on him, and still he can’t let it go. “Oh...thanks, hyung,” he replies softly, falling silent and picking at his cuticles nervously. Soonyoung seems to pick up on the tension, grimacing slightly.

After a few seconds, Soonyoung finally breaks the uncomfortable silence between them. Chan really wishes he hadn’t, not with how sweaty his hands are getting and how hard his heart is beating. “Be honest with me Channie...why did you run out that door this morning?” 

The younger’s head starts to pound, vision growing blurry. “W-What do you-”

“You know...Jihoon thinks he knows why, but I need to hear it from you,” Soonyoung interrupts firmly, sharp, upturned eyes dark and unreadable.

Chan swallows thickly, feeling his hands beginning to tremble. _Jihoon couldn’t possibly - is that what he meant when he asked me if I would be able to take care of Soonyoung? Has he known all along? Hell, did he just throw me under the fucking bus?_

“Hyung…” Chan whispers shakily, voice trailing off. It feels as though a bucket of ice cold water has just been dumped over him, hands freezing and clammy. It takes everything he has to control his body from shivering with a fear stronger than he’s ever felt before. “What...what did he tell you?” he asks, a light tremble in his voice giving away the terror bubbling inside of him.

Soonyoung furrows his eyebrows and bites his lip. He looks away, eyes turning hard as he focuses his gaze on the other members taking water breaks. “He’s right, isn’t he?”

“I don’t know what you mean, please-”

“Jihoon…” Soonyoung starts, tongue wetting his bottom lip. “He thinks you ran because you have feelings for me, but that’s absurd, right? Because you’re...you’re just my little brother. Right? I mean, it can’t be true. Tell me it isn’t true.” Chan flinches at the sudden harshness in Soonyoung’s voice. Underneath it all, Chan can almost hear his desperate denial.

In his many years under Soonyoung’s wing, he’s seen it all - joy, excitement, frustration, nervousness, annoyance, pain, anger, helplessness, worry, fondness, pride…

But Soonyoung has never, _ever_ regarded him with such obvious contempt. Chan has never seen his upturned, piercing gaze look so cold and dark, lips forming the deepest frown he’s ever seen. He has never felt Soonyoung’s rejection so strongly in his life. It leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and causes a chill to run down his spine. In this moment, Chan knows that this ugly, worthless feeling bubbling inside of him is one he will never forget.

And so he buries every last burning feeling he has for the elder, wills the tears in his eyes away, swallows past the hurt, forces a lighthearted giggle, and lies to Soonyoung for the first time ever.

“Of course it’s not true, hyung...how could you possibly think that? You’re like my older brother!”

Soonyoung doesn’t waver, dark eyes still trained heavily on Chan’s face. In the span of a second, Chan sees an endless amount of emotions flicker in his eyes. He can sense Soonyoung’s apprehension, nervousness and insecurity burning inside of him. “Lee Chan, I can feel you lying to me. Don’t you dare lie to me.”

Chan’s eyes widen. This can’t be happening. Today couldn’t possibly become worse than it already was. This can’t be his life right now. “Hyung, no! I swear, I’m not-”

“Chan,” Soonyoung interrupts again, tone now soft and pleading. His eyes suddenly shift from their initial coldness to an indescribable fear. “Just tell me the truth, please. I promise I won’t hate you. With everything going on right now, I just really, _really_ need to know.”

Chan looks down at his shaking hands. “I just...” he trails off, unable to find the words. His tone is thick with shame. How else should he feel with the elder staring at him as if his feelings were dangerous, terrifying even? 

Soonyoung’s eyes begin to glaze over as Chan’s silence lengthens. He swallows thickly, taking in a deep, shaky breath. “Channie? Is...is Jihoon right? Is that what’s going on?”

Chan parts his lips, about to let the words out. His throat is tightening. “Hyung, I-”

He doesn’t get to finish. “Alright everyone, back on the floor! I need you focused and strong! We’ve got a lot of ground to cover!” Hyerim calls, indicating for the group to continue practicing.

“Chan wait, please-” Soonyoung pleads, eyes wide and tone an octave higher than normal.

The younger shakes his head and gets up wordlessly, discreetly wiping the tear away. Seungcheol shoots the maknae a questioning look, worry evident in his eyes. He ignores his leader and marches his way up to the center of the room, taking his place in front of the group. 

He clears his throat, allowing himself one deep breath to gather himself before speaking up. Soonyoung’s rejection doesn’t matter; the unit leader entrusted him to lead rehearsals, and that’s exactly what he is going to do. No questions asked, no excuses, and certainly no feelings. 

Chan internally laughs at himself - even after the blond has clearly expressed his rejection for him in that way, the deepest parts of him still want to make him proud. All of him still wants to prove himself worthy, deserving. Quite pathetic, he thinks. 

_You’re deluding yourself. You’ll never be worthy of him. His behavior said it all._

And still, the need to be enough for Soonyoung burns inside of him like a wildfire he can’t put out. His eyes meet Jihoon’s. The elder’s eyes widen slightly before quickly averting themselves. Guilty. Of course he is. Chan’s hands ball into fists, face burning with a million emotions.

_Is the room spinning? Why does everyone sound so far away? Was the room always this blindingly bright? Is that Seungcheol approaching me? Why does he look so blurry -_

“Chan? Are you alright?” Seungcheol asks, a hand on his shoulder. Chan blinks rapidly, vision clearing as his surroundings become sharper, more tangible. Hyerim watches carefully from a distance, worry and confusion evident in her eyes. It takes Chan a moment to realize that the two aren’t the only ones watching him with concern.

Chan nods. “Of course! All good, hyung,” he replies, sounding as convincing as possible. Seungcheol nods, offering the younger an encouraging smile before stepping away. “Alright everyone, let’s take ‘Fear’ again from the top. Give me everything you’ve got! Positions!”

The music starts. Chan starts moving, losing himself in the rhythm and the beat. It’s all he has.

Soonyoung watches him carefully the entire time, expression unreadable. Chan remains unfazed. Because nothing fazes Lee Chan when he’s on the dance floor. 

Not even a storm of ugly emotions to match an equally ugly, broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be much fluffier i promise. hang in there! great things planned! thank you to everyone for reading and interacting! it means the world <3
> 
> huhu question time! out of curiosity, what do you guys think about soonyoung's reaction? why do you think jihoon told him?


	8. whenever it’s hard for you, you can get a hug from me, i am the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan finds a particularly warm, happy place in one Lee Seokmin, and maybe, things don't suck as badly as he thinks.
> 
> title from "Hug" - SEVENTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY SOME FLUFF IN THIS SHIT!!!! i'm honestly really proud of this chapter, so i hope you all like it!!

Even long after rehearsals end, Chan finds himself standing in the middle of the dance studio at half past two in the morning, staring down his own dimly lit reflection in the mirrors with the closest thing he’s ever felt to hatred.

Now that the magic has faded, now that the music has _stopped_ , everything hits Chan like a truck. The brokenness of the group, the way that Jihoon practically outed him to Soonyoung, the rejection in Soonyoung’s usually warm, friendly gaze...it’s all too much.

Chan’s breathing picks up in pace, and suddenly he’s screaming, voice bouncing filling the walls of the empty, lonely room. His fingers curl tightly into his hair, eyes stinging with the need to cry but nothing coming out. It feels as if Soonyoung were holding Chan’s heart in his hands and slowly picking it apart, string by frayed string. And even then, Chan still feels hopelessly tethered to the tiger-like blond with the upturned eyes and the infectious, blindingly bright smile.

_Jihoon, why did you do it? Why would you do that to me?_

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t come up with a valid answer. He’d kept what he’d seen and heard that morning secret, even against his better judgment. He hadn’t judged Jihoon - had even felt sympathy for him. He’d listened, even as Jihoon’s every word was like salt in the gaping wound. It hurt. And still, he’d listened. Still, he’d encouraged Jihoon to open up about his feelings. And there Jihoon was, outing him and his feelings to Soonyoung.

Resentment overtakes him. Maybe Jihoon deserves to be hated right now. 

The group had burned through the rest of rehearsals, feeding off of Chan’s unrelenting energy and motivation. It may have been the most productive rehearsal day that they’ve had in days. Soonyoung never brought up the topic again, and for that, Chan was grateful. Even so, he never missed the way the blond’s eyes would linger on him longer than normal, both confusion and conflict written in his piercing gaze. Chan doesn’t think he managed to take a relaxed breath until Junhui helped Soonyoung hobble out of the room at the end of practice after some words with Hyerim and Hyosung. His absence felt like a burden off of his shoulders - something that Chan never thought possible.

Soonyoung has always been his resting place, of sorts. His home - and now Jihoon has taken that away as well. When will it stop? When will Jihoon decide he’s ruined enough to last him a whole lifetime? Did he do it out of spite? Bitterness? Jealousy? Fun? Chan can’t understand it.

His hands tremble more than he wishes they would as he pulls out his phone, ignoring texts from a few of his hyungs asking where he is. He stands the phone against the mirrored wall and hits record. Chan searches for a particular song on the company laptop, connected to the studio speakers. His mind is set. 

He clicks play, and in an instant, his body is moving on its own.

_Step up, the two of us, nobody knows us, get in the car like, “Skrrt”_

It’s as though Chan were overtaken by some trance, a headspace in which only him and his deepest thoughts co-exist, moving together to the tempo of the music. For a moment, Chan lets out his truest self - raw and emotional. Parts of him he’s only ever let Soonyoung see.

_Kiss me and take off your clothes, imagine a world like that_

In the empty dance studio, with the dim strip of LED lights illuminating the room, Chan just feels alone. The emptiness bleeds through every one of his pores, coursing through his limbs and pushing him further - more emotion, more depth, more truth. He’s suddenly not Dino, the group’s adored maknae, the so-called future of K-pop. He’s simply Lee Chan, that young kid from Iksan with big dreams - and now a broken heart.

_Feels like forever, baby, I never thought that it would be you_

It’s like this: Chan finally lets himself go, and still he feels trapped. The release is only temporary; his feelings will still be there when he returns to the dorms. They’ll be there during the entirety of the dome tour, throughout promotions and variety shows and reality segments and interviews - each and every place where he’ll have to bury his emotions and put on his signature cute smile for the fans, for the company, for the staff. It doesn’t end. Maybe not even until the last “say the name.”

_We go like up till I’m ‘sleep on your chest, love how my face fits so good in your neck_

Home isn’t where Chan thought it was. Home was Soonyoung. Not anymore.

Chan crumples to the floor at the song’s end, curling into a ball and screaming into his hands. He kicks and stomps on the wooden floor like a desperate child, hot tears finally breaking past their barriers and trailing down his face. Part of him mocks himself for his child-like behavior and weakness. _And this is how you want the others to stop treating you like some kid? Silly Chan, you wouldn’t be this way if you hadn’t deluded yourself, placed all your hope and love into someone who could never love you back._ A voice that sounds too much like Soonyoung’s mocks him relentlessly in his head. Chan deserves it.

_Why can’t you imagine a world like that? Imagine a world..._

It all kills him inside - the shame, the guilt, the rejection, the hopelessness. It consumes him like a wildfire he can’t put out by himself. But that’s all he has, right? Himself...not even Soonyoung.

Alone and stupid. Chan has never felt so goddamn alone and stupid.

Chan’s emotional tantrum doesn’t relent until he feels soft arms wrap around his body in restraint, pulling him in and rocking him back and forth. Chan only cries harder at the instant sense of déjà vu he gets, clinging onto the body he so desperately wishes were Soonyoung’s. But that’s the thing - he knows it isn’t.

The curves are different. The scent is different. The _feeling_ is different.

Still, Chan lets himself be held - anything to feel less alone. He soaks the shirt he’s burying his face into, shaking in the arms embracing him tightly, supportively. The person is patient, keeping silent and holding him tightly. Fingers card through his sweaty, black hair comfortingly.

“It’s okay, Channie,” a soft, honey voice whispers in his ear. Seokmin.

Chan didn’t realize how badly he needed his comforting presence. “Hyung…” he cries, gripping tighter. Seokmin hums and continues rocking him, letting the younger cling to him like a lifeline. 

When Chan can finally breathe steadily, he pulls away and swipes at his eyes. Seokmin smooths out his hair and uses the paw of his sweatshirt to gently wipe at Chan’s face himself. The younger attempts to crack a smile, but he just knows it comes out as more of a grimace. Still, Seokmin smiles softly at him, sympathy reflected in his eyes, just barely visible with the moonlight streaming through the blinds of the windows. 

Chan suddenly remembers his phone, still filming everything from its spot on the floor. He crawls over and stops the recording, meeting Seokmin’s gaze sheepishly. “I was recording a dance for Danceology,” he speaks up, wincing at the sound of his hoarse voice.

Seokmin smiles and shrugs. “I don’t mind. You can always trim it out.” Chan smiles softly at the elder, wrapping his arms around his body once again. Seokmin squeezes him tightly, pecking the side of his head and rubbing his back softly. He never rushes Chan, letting the younger cling to him for as long as he needs. 

After what feels like an eternity, Chan pulls away, swatting at his eyes. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about our deal, hyung. You owe me ice cream,” he teases, trying to lighten the mood.

Thankfully, Seokmin’s specialty is mood-making, particularly excelling at making the younger smile through the worst circumstances. “And here I thought I could get out of it...you’re too clever for me, Chan-ah.”

“Hey, a deal is a deal! Plus, going back home doesn’t feel very appealing, honestly.”

Seokmin nods in understanding. “Mm, I get it. We don’t have to go back yet. Let’s go. I’ll even get you the biggest size cone the shop sells!” he says as he shuts off the lights of the studio.

Chan only grins in response, the sight blindingly bright against the darkness of the room.

The pair make their way out of the company building and down the dimly lit streets of Gangnam. They hide their heads under the hoods of their sweaters and walk through more isolated streets to avoid being recognized. Their hands naturally find each other in the dark and link themselves together. A warm, comforting feeling bubbles in Chan’s chest as he takes in their intertwined hands. It feels good, different, natural. Seokmin’s hand fits perfectly in his own.

Almost as if Seokmin could hear his thoughts, his hand squeezes Chan’s. “Feels nice, doesn’t it?” the elder asks, a timid smile turning up the corners of his lips. Somehow, Chan just knows that if it were daytime, Seokmin’s cheeks would be dusted with a rosy pink hue.

Chan meets his dark gaze, a strange heat rising to his ears. “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

True to his word, Seokmin asks for the largest size cone for Chan’s red bean-flavored ice cream. The younger’s face twists in disgust as the clearly bored cashier hands Seokmin his own cup of ice cream. “Seriously, hyung? Mint chocolate chip?”

“What? It’s a quality flavor!”

“It’s like toothpaste in a cup! How could you?” Chan whines as he slides into the booth in the far left corner of the shop, Seokmin sliding in across from him.

“Have you ever even tried it?” Seokmin asks, brow arched teasingly.

Chan scrunches his nose disapprovingly. “W-Well no...but I don’t need to! Mint should not be an ice cream flav-oh!”

Without warning, Seokmin shoves a spoonful of mint choco into Chan’s mouth, clumsily clashing with the tip of his nose first. Seokmin giggles at the sight of the green-tinted dot on his nose and Chan’s face contorting with shock.

“Ahh! Hyung no! Why would you - huh…” the younger trails off, furrowing his eyebrows in thought and savoring the ice cream. Seokmin watches him expectantly, eyes twinkling with excitement. Chan narrows his eyes slightly as he swallows.

“You were saying?”

“I’m...alright fine, you win,” Chan relents with a sigh and a pout, face scrunching cutely as he reaches for another spoonful of Seokmin’s ice cream.

“Yes! I’ve converted another mint choco anti!” the elder cheers, throwing his head back in laughter as Chan’s eyes go wide with brain freeze. “Wait till I tell Seungkwan!”

“Ah! Ah! Cold! That’s not fair, you let me take a bite that big and now it hurts!”

“I didn’t tell you to do that! You did it all on your own, Channie. I will only take responsibility for changing your terribly mistaken opinion on mint choco,” the vocalist replies matter-of-factly.

The younger rolls his eyes. “Well whatever, red bean is still the superior flavor.”

“Says you.”

Chan sticks his tongue out at the elder, eyes sparkling with mischief. He takes a smaller bite out of his own ice cream (and yes, you read that right, a BITE ffs!) and hums in content. Seokmin visibly suppresses a laugh and reaches his thumb out to wipe the dot of ice cream on Chan’s nose. The younger scrunches it in reply, blushing slightly with embarrassment. Seokmin sucks the ice cream off his thumb and shakes his head. “You’re something else, Lee Chan.”

“Meaning extremely talented and freakishly handsome? I already knew that, hyung. But I’ll accept your generous flattery anyway,” Chan jokes, waggling his eyebrows at the elder. 

“More like a pain in my ass, how’s that for flattery?”

“I bet I could be, hyung.”

As soon as the words escape Chan’s mouth, both freeze in their movements. Chan’s eyes turn wide as saucers, face instantly burning bright red. Seokmin’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, mouth slightly agape.

“I-I didn’t mean - I was trying to say - w-well-”

At Chan’s expense, Seokmin bursts out laughing, clapping his hands and throwing his head back. “D-Did you really just...fuck, Channie! I didn’t think you had it in you!”

Chan’s mortified expression instantly switches to one of indignance. “What’s that supposed to mean? I’m an _adult_ , hyung! I can make dirty jokes!” 

Seokmin dries a tear from his eye, struggling to contain his laughter. “So you did mean it that way? Is that an admission I hear?”

Chan gasps and shakes his head vehemently. “No! No! I didn’t! I just meant that if I wanted to, I could have meant it that way...b-but I didn’t of course! That would be-”  
“Hilarious?” Seokmin supplies, laughter finally dying down as he focuses his warm gaze on Chan.

“I was going to say inappropriate, but sure,” Chan replies with another eye roll. Seokmin lets out another chuckle and returns his attention to his ice cream, now starting to get soft. Chan takes another bite out of his ice cream cone, suddenly thinking.

Now that they’re alone and away from the others, maybe he can open up that door…

“Hey hyung?” Seokmin hums around a mouthful of ice cream. “Do you ever just...want things? Like, as a man? I mean I know we’re idols, and we’re on a contract...but do you ever just feel like you need more?”

Seokmin cocks his head sideways. “You mean like a relationship? Or something more casual?”

Chan fidgets in his seat, eyes flicking toward the cashier - yup, asleep on the job. Somehow, he feels better about the conversation now. “Either or? Just something physical, I guess.”

The elder laughs and nods. “I think I get what you mean, Channie,” he replies. “Well, I won’t lie to you and say I don’t. I mean, we’re grown men. I think that’s natural. Why do you ask?”

The maknae sighs, chest throbbing at the thought of Soonyoung. “I guess I was curious. I mean, we don’t really talk about that sort of thing among the members. It’s kind of a touchy subject, isn’t it? And I mean...I think I’ve been struggling with wanting more than I should lately. More than usual. I just wanted to know if I was just weird or wrong to feel that way.”

“Oh no! Absolutely not. I guarantee you we’ve all felt that way at some point or another. Maybe even now still. It’s part of our youth. No shame in that,” Seokmin replies with an encouraging smile. “Anything in particular bring that thought on?”

Chan pauses before shaking his head. “No, just some urges recently.”

“Word of advice? Helps to take a cold shower during those times. Or, you know, jack off,” Seokmin whispers with a chuckle. 

The younger holds in a laugh, lips pressed together in a thin line and eyes curving from the smile trying to push its way through. “Hyung, it sounds weird when you put it that way!”

Seokmin shrugs. “It is what it is, Channie! But really, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more. I think we all want it. I mean, look at the hyungs. They needed more from each other, and they made it happen. See? You’re not alone.” 

Chan frowns. “You saw how that ended, hyung.”

“You and I both know It shouldn’t have ended that way,” Seokmin replies with a small frown. “But my point is, if you really, truly want more, there are ways around the contract. There are possibilities. I don’t want you to feel wrong for being what you are. None of us should feel that way.” Seokmin seems pensive, gaze distant and almost glassy. A light blush heats up his cheeks and neck. Chan wonders where his mind could be.

“Guess I never thought of this part when I signed up for the idol life.”

“Neither did I. I don’t think any of us did. It’s not exactly the first thing that comes to mind when you think of debuting, is it?”

Chan simply sighs and shakes his head.

The two fall into a comfortable silence for a while. Chan wishes he could explain it, but breathing feels easier around Seokmin. For a brief moment, the choking sensation of heartbreak dims to a dull, humming throb in his chest. He doesn’t feel like curling into a ball and hiding away from the world. It’s familiar and comfortable. In observing Seokmin better, Chan decides that there’s just something about the vocalist’s positive aura that eases the ache. It doesn’t go away - he doesn’t think it ever will, at least for a very long time. But it’s bearable. Easier to ignore. Manageable.

Seokmin catches his stare and smiles. “Whatcha thinking about?” His eyes are earnest and inviting, sweet like candy floss and dripping with golden honey.

Chan finds himself smiling back, shaking his head. A certain warmth spreads inside his chest, like a cup of hot green tea on a freezing winter morning or a short nap on the grass under the springtime sun. “Nothing, hyung,” he replies simply.

Seokmin holds his gaze for a moment longer, and if Chan notices the slightest blush spreading across the vocalist’s cheeks, he doesn’t mention it.

Some time later, after lots of small conversation and a few more stolen bites of Seokmin’s mint choco ice cream, the two take notice of the time and decide to head back to the dorms. Chan feels like a lightweight after the time spent with Seokmin; perhaps he needed the time away from all the group drama. Or even more importantly, distance from Soonyoung. Their hands slot into each other just as naturally as when they first departed from the company building, but this time, Chan finds himself leaning closer and seeking Seokmin’s warmth. 

Seokmin is incredibly easy to talk to. The pair never run out of topics to discuss during the entire walk home. It’s simple, easy, relieving. _Maybe life doesn’t 3000% suck right now._

Chan and Seokmin finally make their way up to the eighth floor dorms, cautious of making too much noise and waking someone up. Upon entering the unit, Chan looks down the dimly lit hallway leading toward the bedrooms and sighs, already dreading the idea of being left alone with his thoughts tonight. Or even worse, not being able to hold back his cries and alerting Seungkwan or Junhui of his internal struggles.

He doesn’t have to worry for long, as it seems Seokmin is a mind reader tonight. The elder pauses and turns to him, giving Chan’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You know, you can sleep with me tonight if you want. I promise I won’t ask.”

Chan’s face scrunches with relief and exhaustion, lips pouting cutely. “Please, could I?”

Seokmin grins and nods. “Come on. I’ll even give you my plush blanket. Mom sent it to me. It feels like the best warm hug you’ve ever gotten. I hope you don’t mind my humidifier, though. Have to take care of my throat more than usual for the tour. I also hum in my sleep sometimes.”

“Even better, I get a lullaby,” Chan jokes, chest feeling warm at the thought.

“You know, if you want one, you can always just ask, Channie!” the vocalist replies with a wink as the two head toward Seokmin’s room. 

The sound of a door closing brings them to a sudden halt. Chan startles at the sight of Soonyoung stepping out into the hallway while rubbing his eyes tiredly, tiger plush tucked under his arm. The blond flinches in surprise, eyes instantly dropping to the two’s intertwined hands.

The two let go in a flash, almost as though they’d just been burned. “Oh, hey hyung!” Seokmin chirps, suddenly sounding much too animated for three in the fucking morning.

“Hey...” Soonyoung replies stiffly, eyeing the two with an unreadable expression. “Where were you guys? The hyungs have been texting you, Chan. It was important.”

Chan opens his mouth to speak, but the words don’t come out. His throat suddenly feels too dry, too constricted at the sight of the blond. Seokmin seems to sense the younger’s discomfort and fills in the awkward silence. “I had a late night with my vocal coach. Channie was at the practice studio. We ran into each other and decided to walk home together.”

“So I see,” Soonyoung replies, tone laced with what sounds an awful lot like discontentment. “Well then, you guys should rest up. It’s late, and there’s still lots of work to be done for the tour.”

“We will! Speaking of, what are you doing up?” Seokmin asks, sounding just a bit nervous as he clearly tries to shift the conversation.

Soonyoung’s eyes widen slightly at the question, faltering for a moment in his mask of mild annoyance. “Oh! Well um, I got hungry actually. Woke up for a late night snack.”

Chan cocks an eyebrow, suddenly unable to keep the bite out of his words. “Oh wow. You seem to be getting hungry in the middle of the night quite often these days, hyung,” he finds himself replying, tone ridden with accusation. “You’re not much of the late night snacking type. I know this time it can’t be because you’re tired, right? Not from any dancing, anyway.”

Soonyoung’s eyes harden instantly, and Chan knows he’s hit a nerve. _Low blow, Lee Chan. Real petty._ Somehow, he doesn’t care. “You’re right. Must be the stress,” he replies flatly.

Seokmin shifts uncomfortably beside Chan and clears his throat. “U-Uh, well then, hope you find something good! Goodnight, hyung!” he says with a little too much enthusiasm. Soonyoung nods and steps aside to let the two pass, eyes following Chan. The maknae swallows thickly and looks away, unable to meet his gaze any longer without shriveling up into a little ball of shame and insignificance.

“Goodnight, guys,” Soonyoung says softly just before the two disappear into Seokmin’s room, Chan’s relief obvious as he shuts the door almost too quickly.

True to his word, Seokmin doesn’t ask. Chan doesn’t tell.

After showering and getting ready, Chan climbs into bed with Seokmin and tucks himself against Seokmin’s slender but firm frame. Chan fits into the elder’s side almost _too_ perfectly. He was right; the plush blanket really _does_ feel like a warm hug. A much needed one, he thinks. A content sigh escapes his lips.

Seokmin pulls him close and starts softly humming the tune to “Hug”. Somehow, the elder’s honey-coated voice makes the melody sound even warmer. Seokmin’s gentle voice is thick with a sticky, warm, sweetness that easily begins to lull him to sleep. Chan holds onto the feeling, needing Seokmin’s sweetness to quench the bitterness of Soonyoung’s denial and rejection. And it does; Seokmin is like buttercream icing on a red velvet cupcake, or a freshly baked caramel vanilla cookie. He even smells of strawberries and cream, and for a moment, Chan swears he’s stuck in some sort of teenage dream, complete with cotton candy clouds and lollipop trees, rivers of sweet honey and candy rocks.

Chan smiles to himself, head resting on the elder’s warm chest and indulging in the soft sound of his hyung’s voice effortlessly gliding through the notes of the song. Seokmin’s strong arm around his body feels inviting, comforting, secure. Chan’s eyes slowly drift shut as he dances along the lines of consciousness. And still, a single thought pushes through the thick, warm blanket of comfort, safety, and love weighing heavily over his eyelids and pulling him further away from the world.

“Hyung?” Chan mumbles, needing to get this last thought out.

Seokmin pauses in his humming. “Yeah?”

The maknae pulls Seokmin impossibly closer. “Thank you for being there...taking care of me.”

Seokmin doesn’t reply immediately, carding his fingers through Chan’s damp, black hair. Chan’s eyes peel open for a moment, looking up into Seokmin’s fond eyes.

“You don’t have to thank me, Channie. I’ll always be here for you,” the elder finally replies, offering Chan a warm smile. Everything about Seokmin is so warm that Chan can bring himself to forget about Soonyoung’s frigidity. None of it matters with Seokmin. All he feels is warmth.

Chan sleeps better that night than he ever has before, thoughts of Soonyoung buried far into the depths of his subconsciousness as Seokmin’s honey-glazed voice and sun-kissed face occupy his dreams instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you don't know, the song chan danced to is "imagine" by ariana grande. 
> 
> feel free to vent, cry, celebrate, or theorize about what's next to your heart's content in the comments! they really make my day <3 and for the record, i am team chan - mint choco should NOT be an ice cream flavor...debate me if you want >:(


	9. [soonyoung] if i can go back in time...would i be able to let you go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Soonyoung finally receives closure from Jihoon, and that acceptance doesn't feel as good as it should.
> 
> title from "What Kind of Future?" - WOOZI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> while this story is dino-centric, i purposely wrote this chapter in soonyoung's pov. thought you guys might appreciate a look into his mind. i will be switching to other povs in the future from time to time to give a more complete story. there will also be some much-needed closure for soonhoon in this chapter, though that doesn't necessarily mean their story will end here.

If Soonyoung’s thoughts were a mess prior to today, they’re absolutely chaotic now.

His head hurts from replaying the entire day over in his head - from Jihoon’s outburst in the early morning, to Chan running away, to Jeonghan’s breakdown, to him confronting Chan about his potential feelings. It feels like a movie, as if the day’s events were something completely unreal and separate to his reality. None of this could really be happening to him, right?

He groans as he takes the building elevator to the roof of the dorm building, where Jihoon is already at his usual spot by the ledge, taking in the city lights. Soonyoung feels a pang in his chest at the sight of the little man. As much as he tries, he just can’t accept why Jihoon has made it his life mission to push him away, despite clearly reciprocating his feelings. Why do things have to be so complicated with him? Why can’t the best things in life ever be easy?

And then there’s Chan. _Chan_. Did he manage to completely wreck his relationship with the maknae by cornering him today? Was Jihoon even right? Chan clearly seemed uncomfortable and nervous, but couldn’t that have been because Soonyoung had _quite literally_ backed him into a corner trying to make him confess something as personal as feelings (which may or may not even be there?)

“I can hear you thinking from all the way over here,” Jihoon’s low voice cuts through the air. Soonyoung sighs and limps forward, standing next to the shorter man and clutching his tiger plushie to his chest. He shivers; the autumn breeze feels chillier up here.

“Pretty unusual for me, isn’t it?” Soonyoung asks, letting out a self-deprecating laugh.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” Jihoon’s sharp, challenging gaze meets his own. From up close, Soonyoung can see the exhaustion there, illuminated by the moonlight.

“Reduce yourself to some bumbling, thoughtless idiot incapable of rationalizing,” Jihoon replies. Soonyoung can hear the undertone of disappointment in his voice.

“Self-deprecation is one of my many talents. I don’t have to tell you that,” he replies, and despite being much taller than Jihoon, he suddenly feels small in his presence.

“I’ve always hated that about you,” Jihoon replies, but rather than his words hitting Soonyoung as a blunt insult, the blond senses a deep, painful longing. “You’re more than that, Soon.”

“Why don’t you tell me what I am, then?” Soonyoung asks, a sparkle of hope illuminating his gaze. Getting Jihoon to open up is about as difficult as putting together an entire choreography in just a couple of days, but when he does, Soonyoung basks in the vocalist’s trust.

Jihoon grimaces. “Is this you trying to get me to open up?”

“It’s me trying to understand why you think you don’t deserve me or my feelings,” Soonyoung counters, eyebrows furrowing with his bubbling sense of internal conflict and desperate need for an answer he can digest. Having Jihoon this close to him brings out in him an all-consuming burn that he can’t numb. His fingers ache to reach out and touch Jihoon’s soft, pale skin, his face, his hands, his body- 

“I’ve told you why, Soon. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be for us both. I’ll only ruin anything we have.”

“Jihoon, how can you know that if you don’t give us a chance?”

“It wouldn’t be worth losing you over, Soonyoung! How many times do I have to beg you to let it go? This isn’t going to happen. _We are never going to happen_ ,” Jihoon snaps, despite the pain-filled look in his eyes. He’s hurting too - Soonyoung can see it. Somehow, knowing that Jihoon at least shares his pain doesn’t make him feel any kind of better.

Jihoon’s words are like a stake to his heart, driving itself deeper and deeper until all that’s left is a fistful of mangled muscle bleeding and throbbing. Soonyoung bites his lower lip and looks away, blinking back unshed tears. He’s glad he brought his tiger plushie this time - it gives him something to anchor himself to. 

One would think that after almost four years of being on the receiving end of Jihoon’s constant rejection, Soonyoung would have built a tolerance for it. Immunity, even. Jihoon’s words shouldn’t have this much power over him, breaking him down each and every time. And still, it hurts. The ache never subsides, the pain never dulls. The longing never fades. 

What’s left for Soonyoung to do when every cell in his body longs for someone he can’t have? 

“You said you love me,” is all he can whisper.

Jihoon shifts beside him, eyes focused on the city lights below once again. “I did. I meant it.”

“Then can’t that be enough?” Soonyoung hates the way he just can’t give up. His heart won’t let him, no matter how badly the hurt consumes him, tears him apart string by frayed string. “Why isn’t it enough for you?”

“Relationships can’t survive on love alone,” Jihoon replies coolly, always adept at masking his feelings with an air of detachment. Had it not been for the slight slump of his shoulders, Soonyoung may have even thought the shorter man was completely unaffected. “They take time, commitment, understanding, communication, patience, loyalty, and contact. I have a real, true relationship with music, Soonie. Our music. I can’t have two relationships. One of the two would inevitably fail, and I’m telling you right now that it wouldn’t be my relationship with music. Do you understand now?” Jihoon asks, a sense of security in his voice. Soonyoung senses that the vocalist has put a lot of thought into his reasoning.

As much as he hates to admit it to himself, it does make sense. Jihoon - Woozi - lives and breathes for the music he creates. It’s his singular outlet of expression. Jihoon has never seen producing music as a job. It’s his passion, his purpose, and his true love. Soonyoung would be foolish to believe he could ever compete with Jihoon’s adoration for music. 

And yet again, Jihoon’s words still don’t make him feel better. Rather, Soonyoung feels that a vital part of him has been torn and thrown off the roof, now lost somewhere in the city below. It leaves inside of him a gaping hole he has absolutely no clue how he’ll manage to fill.

Still, the words Jihoon has been begging to hear for years finally tumble from his lips much more steadily than Soonyoung could have imagined possible. “I understand.”

Jihoon visibly winces. His bottom lip trembles slightly, but he nods nonetheless. Soonyoung knows what he’s thinking. It’s the same thought now echoing in his mind. _This is really it. It’s really time to give up and let go. It’s a final, humble acceptance._

They say grief has five stages: first the denial, then the anger, followed by bargaining, then the depression. Acceptance is the fifth and final stage - the moment in which a person finally accepts circumstances as they are, lets go, gets up, and keeps walking. Acceptance is moving on.

So why does the acceptance hurt this badly?

Soonyoung doesn’t realize he’s crying until Jihoon reaches out, wiping tears away. “I’m so sorry,” he whispers. Jihoon’s own eyes glisten under the beams of moonlight illuminating the roof. “I wish it could be different, but it’s not.”

The blond can only nod and clutch his tiger plushie tighter, close to his chest. Jihoon visibly hesitates before taking hold of Soonyoung’s hand. He pulls him close, hugging the dancer comfortingly. Soonyoung leans into Jihoon’s embrace, face buried in the shorter man’s hair. The ache dulls just for a moment, only to come back when Jihoon pulls away, back to putting distance between himself and the dancer. Emptiness takes over again.

“You know I won’t stop loving you. Not even after our last ‘say the name.’”  


Jihoon smiles weakly. “Yes you will. I know it. Just give yourself time, Soonie.” Soonyoung frowns but doesn’t fight him on it. “Now can you enlighten me on what you said to Chan?”

_Right. That._

Soonyoung’s face twists into one of shame. “I think I fucked that up.”

“I’ll say. You threw me under the fucking bus! What did you do, go up to him and be all like, ‘Hey, Jihoon told me you have a crush on me. Is that true?’”

Soonyoung can only sigh. Jihoon’s eyes widen, and he facepalms with a groan.

“Soonyoung, what the hell? Why would you do that? You probably put the fear of God into the kid! He’s probably terrified of you right now! Not to mention hating my guts, too, especially after he kept what happened between us this morning a secret!” Jihoon groans again.

“Told you thinking was unusual for me.” Jihoon shoots Soonyoung a pointed look, and the blond can only sigh. “I don’t...I don’t know what was going through my head. All I kept thinking about was that I needed to know if it was true or not. I mean, he’s like my little brother, Ji! The last thing I’d ever expect is that sort of thing from him!”

“And what makes you think that your expectations are his reality? He’s looked up to you since our trainee days. You took him under your wing and helped him grow. You’ve seen firsthand just how much he’s grown and matured over all this time. Chan isn’t that same squeaky-voiced pre-teen you met him as, Soon. Just as you and I are grown-ass men now, so is he!”

“Jihoon, obviously I know that-”

“Then what makes you think that just how he’s grown physically and mentally, his feelings toward you can’t also have grown and shifted into something more?”

Soonyoung groans and rubs his eyes tiredly. God, he hates it when Jihoon is right.

“I guess you have a point.”

“I always have a point, I’m Lee Jihoon.”

The blond rolls his eyes. “Anyway, to sum things up, he never confirmed anything. He denied it outright at first, but it was clear to me he was lying. I pressed him about it, and he was about to say something else until Hyerim called everyone back for more practice. I was too scared to bring it up again.”

Jihoon lets out a long sigh. “Soonyoung, you really need to work on your tact.”

“Thank you for stating the obvious, oh great genius,” the blond replies sarcastically. “Anyway, I don’t even think you were right from the start. I ran into him and Seokmin on my way up here, and they were holding hands and shit. They came back from the company building together.”

Jihoon cocks an eyebrow. “And?”

Soonyoung stutters, eyes wide with incredulity. “What do you mean, and? They were _holding hands_ , Jihoon! They were all dopey and smiley too. It felt like I’d just crashed a date!”

The shorter man observes Soonyoung silently, eyes dark and impossible to decipher. Soonyoung fidgets under his calculating gaze before clearing his throat awkwardly. “You’re pissed about it,” Jihoon finally speaks up, crossing his arms over his broad chest.

“What?” Soonyoung almost yells, only catching himself as Jihoon winces at the sudden loudness. “Ji, that’s absurd. Why would I be pissed?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

“Well I mean, to an extent I _was_ annoyed. Chan had been ignoring his texts all night! We needed to talk to him about Jeonghan-hyung’s last minute setlist change.”

A flash of guilt crosses Jihoon’s face. “So he really wants to swap out ‘Falling for U’ then.”

“Well, would _you_ want to perform a duet song with your still recent ex-boyfriend about falling in love?” Soonyoung counters, brow arching in disbelief.

Jihoon nods in acknowledgment. “Why’d you need Chan for that?”

“I suggested that Chan could do a solo stage as a replacement. His skills have grown a whole lot these past couple of years. Since it’s so last minute, Chan is an ideal replacement. He works quickly, is bursting with choreo and song ideas, and would get to showcase his growth as a solo performer. The hyungs agreed, and so did Hyosung-hyungnim. They were trying to get ahold of him to ask about it, but he never answered.”

“And you think it’s because he was out at the company building frolicking with Seokminnie?”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “Did you really just - geez, I didn’t put it that way, Ji.”

“You didn’t have to.”

“ _The point is_ , I think I freaked him out for no reason, and you were actually wrong.”

“But I’m never wrong.”

“You are today.”

Jihoon’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline, but he nods nonetheless. “Alright fine. Say I am, though I’m telling you, I’m not. How are you going to fix your Chan blunder now?”

Soonyoung flushes red. “W-Well I was hoping that avoiding him until it went away would work.”

Jihoon facepalms for the second time tonight. “I’m - you’re impossible.”

“Fine, how about this? I’ll fix my fuck up with Chan when you fix your fuck up with Hannie-hyung and Shua-hyung,” Soonyoung quips. “That’s not going away anytime soon either, and the tour is going to go to complete shit if the group doesn’t repair itself. That starts with you, Lee Jihoon.”

The shorter man frowns, hugging himself as his eyes drop to the ground. “I guess you’re right. I just don’t know where to start. You know Jeonghan-hyung won’t forgive me.”

“He might if he can get Shua-hyung back,” Soonyoung supplies, suddenly thinking out loud.

“What are you suggesting?”

Soonyoung’s face lights up with an idea. “Maybe you should stop thinking about Hannie-hyung and start with Shua-hyung instead. You hurt him a lot with what you said. You can start by convincing him that he’s not going to burn in the raging fires of hell for loving a man. Maybe then he’ll realize he wasn’t thinking clearly and ask Jeonghan-hyung for a second chance.”

“You really think that’ll work?” Jihoon asks, suddenly taking on the appearance of a reluctant and lost child in desperate need of direction (and a hug). “His faith really means a lot to him.”

“Well, Hannie-hyung got him to accept himself. And whether it works or not, you have to start somewhere,” Soonyoung replies, offering the shorter man a small smile of encouragement. 

Jihoon scratches his head and lets out a puff of air. “Alright, I’ll give it a shot.”

“You’ll never know unless you try.”

A tiny smile cracks up the corners of Jihoon’s lips. “See? You are capable of rational thought.”

“Now, now, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I’m still a certified dumbass.” Soonyoung watches Jihoon’s eyes twinkle as he meets the blond’s upturned gaze. He doesn’t need to hear the words Jihoon leaves unsaid. He can feel them radiating off his body. 

_A dumbass that I love._

And maybe, just for a moment, that feeling is enough for Soonyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really motivate me and boost my confidence! feel free to interact with this story in any way, i promise it means so much to me. until next time! <3


	10. [jeonghan] i guess i kind of liked the way you helped me escape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jeonghan is struggling much more than he wants to let on, and the only relief he has comes in the form of Choi Seungcheol.
> 
> title from "Someone You Loved" - Lewis Capaldi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the angst is BACK and in jeonghan's pov. brace yourselves y'all. next chapter will switch back to chan's pov i promise <3
> 
> slight TW // mentions of insomnia and lack of eating

It’s like this—since Joshua ended things, Jeonghan has felt as though he were a foreigner in someone else’s body. He goes through the motions, makes the right comments, executes the right moves, but inside, he isn’t himself. Part of him left when Joshua gave up on them not even a month after they’d worked up the courage to come out.

It’s like this—Jeonghan pushes everyone away, needing to convince himself that he’s okay. _You don’t need anyone, Yoon Jeonghan! You’re strong, independent, and responsible! You have dongsaengs to take care of—not the other way around._ And so he isolated himself from the others—not physically, but mentally. Jeonghan isn’t there. 

It’s like this—Jeonghan’s heart frays at the seams more and more each time he turns Seungcheol away. Seungcheol, his best friend of over six years. Seungcheol, who always puts Jeonghan before himself. Seungcheol, who has stood by him through it all: the emotional ups and downs, the fights, the laughs, the victories, and the losses. Seungcheol, who never fails to wrap him up in his arms at the end of a long, particularly stressful day to assure him that he’s doing well. Seungcheol, who looks at him as though Jeonghan himself had hung the stars in the sky and spun galaxies with his own, spindly hands. 

It’s like this—Jeonghan knows how much he’s hurting Seungcheol by pushing him away. And somehow, he can’t find it in himself to stop. It’s better this way. He’s safe, protected within the stone walls of his own aching heart and turbulent mind. As much as it hurts to see Seungcheol’s adorably round, doe eyes droop with sadness whenever he refuses to open up to his leader about his feelings, Jeonghan won’t allow anyone else in. He let Joshua in, and the man only broke his heart. 

Granted, none of this would’ve happened had it not been for one angry Lee Jihoon. The memory of that horrible day alone makes Jeonghan’s stomach clench and blood boil. He’s not one to anger quickly or carry resentment, but forgiving Jihoon is just not in the cards for him. He couldn’t—Jihoon took the most important thing in his life away from him! Joshua abandoned him because of the fear and shame Jihoon yanked out of Joshua, who was already teetering on the edge of self-acceptance and self-hatred. Jihoon took Jeonghan’s progress in helping Joshua accept himself and threw it into the trash, effectively putting an end to their short-lived romance. 

And so it’s like this—Jeonghan could never blame _his Joshuji_. Not him, _never him._

Jeonghan runs his fingers through his freshly dyed and cut black locks for the umpteenth time, sighing deeply to himself. Isn’t it like...super cliché to go for a hairstyle change right after a devastating breakup? _God, Yoon Jeonghan, what are you in, some cheesy coming-of-age gay teen fic?_ He rolls his eyes at himself. Predictable as always. 

He can feel the self-deprecation beginning to settle in, spreading in his chest and throughout his body. Jeonghan feels pathetic, useless, _weak_. Joshua’s distance is slowly tearing him apart from the inside out, and there’s nothing in his power that he can do to stop it. His mind reels, as it does often these days in the silence and privacy of his room. His body aches to be close to Joshua, holding him close. Jeonghan feels cold and alone, something he’d never really felt until this very moment. 

How could losing Joshua turn him, someone full of life and love, into this useless, empty shell of a person?

Jeonghan’s hands tremble more than they should as he reaches for his cell phone, contemplating for the millionth time texting Joshua. Literally anything would be better than this radio silence between them. Anything but the way Joshua avoids him like the plague, eyes full of shame. 

He hasn’t eaten all day; in fact, his appetite has decided to go on an extended vacation. Jeonghan hasn’t been able to keep solid food down for days. He’s made sure to hide it from the other members - especially Seungcheol, but he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to hold on before his body decides to shut down on him from lack of nutrition. His sleep cycle is also a hot mess; Jeonghan fluctuates between oversleeping one day and being unable to sleep the next day. He isn’t ignorant to the dark circles under his eyes or the constant droopiness of his lids. In four days alone he’s consumed even more caffeine than Seungkwan normally does in a week. He hates the coffee jitters, but it’s the only way he can get through Chan’s brutal rehearsals.

Jeonghan’s stomach grumbles angrily, begging for food. The vocalist winces at a painful pang of hunger. He takes in a deep breath, willing it to go away. Maybe he can at least hold a banana…

With a long sigh, Jeonghan makes his way to one of the company break rooms, searching for some snack he could potentially hold down. He manages to find a ripe banana in Seungcheol’s snack cabinet. He pauses before taking it anyway. He’s sure the leader won’t mind.

He leans against the counter and peels back the layers, getting lost in his thoughts once again. He’d asked for a last minute setlist change, the thought of singing a duet that had _always_ reminded him of Joshua being unbearable. Instant guilt had flooded his chest the moment Seungcheol’s and Soonyoung’s expressions shifted into ones of worry and stress; last minute setlist changes were often the worst kind of complication to deal with. It meant immense pressure to prepare an alternative, and with Soonyoung’s participation in the dome tour already in question, the _last thing_ the group needed to be dealing with was a sudden setlist change.

Jihoon suddenly pops into Jeonghan’s mind again, and his chest tightens with a million emotions. He knows he has to get over what happened eventually; the group can’t continue on with such a tense, divided atmosphere among the members. Jeonghan knows Jihoon well enough to accept the fact that Jihoon might never actually apologize to him. And still, a part of him questions _why_.

_Why did you say those things? Why did you hurt us all that way? Why lash out that way?_

Deep in his gut, Jeonghan knows that _something_ is wrong. It’s not like Jihoon - the younger’s anger and discontent always took the form of passive aggression or distance, sarcastic remarks here and there or simply apathy. Jihoon has never been the type to lash out in such an outright, aggressive manner. _So why that day? What could have sent you over the edge?_

Jeonghan wants to understand, wants to forgive him, wants to repair things, wants to be there for the younger through whatever it is that’s haunting him - 

But then Jeonghan remembers the way his world stopped spinning when Joshua gave up on him, and the resentment returns like a burning wildfire he can’t put out.

Jeonghan’s stomach turns, a familiar yet unwelcome sensation making the vocalist freeze before heaving. The half-eaten banana drops to the floor as he runs to the sink, the only place he could get to in time before throwing up what few calories he’d managed to chew and swallow. It’s painful, sending shivers and cold sweats down his spine and throughout his body. He heaves and heaves until his body realizes that there’s nothing left to expel.

His body trembles violently as tears stream down his face. _What the hell am I supposed to do?_

His fingers grip the counter tightly as he washes the sink thoroughly, trying in vain to blink away his tears and rein in his building emotion. He almost succeeds -

Until the door of the break room swings open, with Seungcheol suddenly stopping in his tracks at the sight of Jeonghan’s struggling form.

His eyes widen in surprise before shifting into a profound look of sadness. “Hannie…” he says softly, approaching the vocalist.

Jeonghan’s bottom lip wobbles. _No, no, Jeonghan don’t - get ahold of yourself! Keep it in!_

Seungcheol hesitantly rests his hand on his best friend’s shoulder, then runs it down his arm. Something in the familiar touch and the sudden contact warming his cold body drowns out all of his antagonistic thoughts. Jeonghan hiccups, his barriers breaking down. He crumbles into Seungcheol’s arms, gripping the man as if he were his lifeline - tightly and desperately. 

Seungcheol doesn’t say a word, simply holding him tightly and running his fingers through his hair comfortingly. He presses his nose to Jeonghan’s temple, pressing a soft, gentle kiss to the throbbing spot. Jeonghan grips tighter, needing the closeness, the _warmth_ -

“Cheol,” he croaks, shaking his head softly. “I can’t do this...I’m going to break down…”

“Yes you can, Hannie. You’re so incredibly strong. You will get through this, I promise.”

“I can’t eat...I can’t sleep...Cheol, it’s killing me. It hurts,” Jeonghan cries, fisting Seungcheol’s pullover. “Everything just _hurts…_ ”

Jeonghan feels Seungcheol’s face in his hair, arms warm and tight around his thin frame. “I know...trust me, I know. That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel...to hurt. It’s normal.”

The vocalist shakes his head, only pulling away a few inches to meet Seungcheol’s own teary gaze. “No, I can’t. The kids are depending on me...on _us_ -”

Seungcheol shakes his head quickly, interrupting him. “No, stop that. Stop prioritizing everyone else over yourself, Han. The kids are okay. They’re worried about you, just like I am. You need to heal.”

Jeonghan sniffles, shakily reaching to wipe his tears away and slowly steadying his breathing. Seungcheol uses the sleeves of his pullover to gently pat dry Jeonghan’s tears. Seungcheol is always so _gentle_.

The vocalist swallows thickly. “I don’t deserve you. I’m so sorry.”

Seungcheol frowns, eyebrows furrowing in what appears to be anger. “Jeonghan, what the hell are you apologizing for? You have nothing to be sorry for!”

Jeonghan rubs his face and steps away with a groan. “Everything, Cheol! For having let my feelings distract me from work, for causing the whole fight, for making you pick up the pieces of my fucking broken heart when you already have enough on your shoulders, for changing the setlist last minute - for everything! I’m just so, so sorry for everything…” He trails off, covering his face with his hands as he struggles to keep control of himself.

Seungcheol closes the distance between the two and pulls his hands away, pressing his forehead against Jeonghan’s and keeping his wrists at his sides. _Gentle, always so gentle_. The contact feels like a seething burn on Jeonghan’s skin, and while Seungcheol parts his lips to talk to him, Jeonghan doesn’t hear a word.

The leader’s voice sounds muffled and far away, as though Jeonghan’s ears were full of cotton. His head feels cloudy and dazed, thoughts muddled and tangled. Seungcheol is saying something - what the hell is he saying? Jeonghan blinks slowly, struggling to focus on the words escaping the leader’s mouth. He can see a mixture of desperation and sadness reflected in his big doe eyes. Something about them causes something inside Jeonghan to snap into place.

“...not your fault...blaming yourself...always here for you... _please, lean on me_ …”

_Lean on me…_

So Jeonghan does, and he receives the shock of his life.

He has absolutely no fucking clue as to how the two got to this current moment or who moved first, but Seungcheol’s lips are moving against and it feels so fucking great it’s terrifying - Jeonghan’s body is tense and yet relieved, as though some heavy weight had been lifted off of him but his mind hasn’t registered it yet. He’s plummeting down, down, into some unknown territory or maybe a black hole, or even a volcano - fuck, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything except the fact that Seungcheol’s very soft, very warm lips on his own feel like a breath of fresh air after being stuck in a stifling hot oven.

Electricity - bolts of electricity course up and down his neurons, turning his body into a live wire. Jeonghan loses complete control over his thoughts. _Is it the hunger? The lack of sleep?_

 _I don’t know...I don’t know...I don’t know_. The words repeat in his head like a scratched record. He really doesn’t know how this happened, why he’s reacting the way he is, why Seungcheol isn’t shoving him away and running off screaming bloody murder. He doesn’t know anything. Nothing makes any sense, and it’s terrifying and yet exciting. Jeonghan suddenly feels _alive_. 

Seungcheol seems to have a moment of sudden clarity, suddenly jolting away from Jeonghan as though he’d been burned. His bright, doe eyes stare at Jeonghan in shock, wide as saucers. His body is shaking, and tears stream down his face. Jeonghan’s chest tightens at the sight - _Fuck, fuck, fuck, Jeonghan...what did you do?_

“W-Why did you do that?” Seungcheol chokes out, breathing heavy and gaze unfocused. “God, Yoon Jeonghan, why did you do that?”

Jeonghan’s first instinct is to apologize; in fact, the words are already at the tip of his tongue, ready to escape. And suddenly he hesitates. _But am I sorry?_

His mouth opens and closes a couple of times as Jeonghan struggles to find the right words to explain why the _hell_ he just assaulted Seungcheol’s lips that way without so much as asking for consent. Is that what happened? Did Jeonghan start it? Hell, did Seungcheol even want it?

Then again, Jeonghan instantly recalls the way the leader’s lips fervently danced with his own, and every last doubt leaves his mind.

“Because I wanted to,” he replies unsteadily, thoughts racing and heart pounding furiously.

Seungcheol stares at him as though Jeonghan had just grown two heads, and for a moment the latter feels like he has yet another thing to apologize for - traumatizing their group leader maybe? Wrecking their friendship? Recklessly using Seungcheol for comfort? The list could go on and on at this point. Jeonghan’s mind is reeling, trying to process every last emotion bubbling in his chest and his stomach. The look on Seungcheol’s face makes him want to heave again despite not having anything left to throw up.

Jeonghan steps forward, swallowing thickly. “Cheol…” he starts, trailing off with a lack of words.

“Joshua…” Seungcheol whispers, taking another step back. “What about Joshua? Hannie, this doesn’t make any sense. You...you love Joshua. You’re hurting over Joshua.”

The vocalist freezes in his tracks. Joshua…

 _Gave up on me. Ran away at the first sign of trouble. Cut me off. Ended things through a_ text.

His heart aches once more, and yet somehow, it’s slightly more bearable. He doesn’t feel like he can’t breathe anymore. Jeonghan looks down at the floor, aware of just how bad this all looks. How could he possibly explain his actions? His feelings?

How could he put into cohesive words what Jeonghan can’t fully understand himself?

So he does the only thing his mind can think of to make up for his failed words. Jeonghan steps toward Seungcheol until he’s only several inches away. Before he can question it again, his arms are around his best friend’s neck, pulling him in until their lips meet again. 

Seungcheol is slow to react, still clearly ridden with shock and apprehension. Jeonghan’s instincts kick in as he recalls the small ways in which he’d always comfort Seungcheol. His fingers run gently through his hair as a way of grounding and reassuring him while his lips move hesitantly, testing different ways that they fit against Seungcheol’s. Somehow, every position fits perfectly, like two puzzle pieces slotting together. His movements instantly have the desired effect; slowly but surely, the tension in Seungcheol’s shoulders dissipates. His lips start to move along with Jeonghan’s once again, and hell, it feels like fireworks on Lunar New Year.

Jeonghan has no clue what kind of name to put to these feelings. His body has come alive, and his senses are in complete overdrive. Something about the way Seungcheol’s body responds to him is enough to let Jeonghan know that his best friend feels it too. He should have sensed it earlier, he rationalizes. No one stares at their best friend the way Seungcheol stares at him. 

It’s as though the moment their lips met, Jeonghan could see it all. Every last detail, action, and emotion comes together to let Jeonghan in on a hidden, perhaps even forbidden, truth he’d been blind to for the past six years - maybe even longer, still.

 _Seungcheol loves me_. And in this moment - with this earth-shaking realization in mind - Jeonghan starts to pick apart every last feeling he’s carried in his own heart toward the leader.

It’s like this - while Joshua had always simply been a constant presence in his life, Jeonghan _always_ actively sought out Seungcheol. On nights he couldn’t sleep, Seungcheol’s warmth easily lulled him into dreamland. On days he was sick, it was Seungcheol’s care and attention he craved for. During group games and variety shows, Seungcheol was always his first target. On days he worried more than usual about the kids, it was Seungcheol he would share his concerns with. While helping others write songs, it was Seungcheol’s approval he needed first.

It’s like this - Jeonghan never quite realized just how much he’s always _needed_ Seungcheol until now. Suddenly, the vocalist can’t think of a single moment in which he has confided in anyone else before Seungcheol - not even Joshua. Seungcheol is his anchor, his default. Jeonghan has always held close to his heart the way in which Seungcheol lets him get away with anything - be it cheating during games, picking on him for a laugh, getting his way in deciding what kind of food to eat on a group night out, or even what movie to watch on Netflix. He’s always counted on his gentle nature to ground him through difficult times. Jeonghan finally understands why pushing Seungcheol away hurt him just as much as Joshua breaking things off with him.

It’s like this - while Joshua is a constant, burning _want_ , Seungcheol is a desperate _necessity_. Every bone in Jeonghan’s body screams for the closeness, the comfort, and the familiarity that comes with Choi Seungcheol. And so his kiss deepens, lips parting and hold tightening around Seungcheol’s neck. On instinct, Seungcheol reacts almost immediately, hands on Jeonghan’s hips tightening and his body turning around to press Jeonghan against the kitchen counter.

Seungcheol’s head tilts a certain way, tongue hitting a certain spot, and Jeonghan sees _stars_. His fingers tug on Seungcheol’s hair in response, and something in the way the small action draws out a soft moan of contentment from the leader sends Jeonghan spiraling downward into a hole he just _knows_ he won’t be able to crawl out of later. Jeonghan tugs on the leader’s dark locks again experimentally, and when he gets the same reaction, his thighs almost quiver with excitement. 

Seungcheol’s hands move from Jeonghan’s hips down to his thighs, lifting him up and sitting him on the countertop. Jeonghan’s legs wrap around Seungcheol’s hips and pull him impossibly closer, the warmth of his best friend’s body clouding his head even further. Seungcheol’s hands move from his thighs to the small of his back. The heat from his palms makes Jeonghan want more - _need more_. It’s a craving he suddenly can’t satisfy no matter how close the two get.

For a moment, the hurt dims to a dull hum. For a moment, Jeonghan is happy. For a moment, Joshua leaving him doesn’t matter. 

Until Jeonghan’s hand trails down Seungcheol’s chest, and suddenly it _does matter._

For the second time today, Seungcheol jerks away as though he’d been burned, backing away at least four feet from Jeonghan. His eyes are wide, and his breaths come in heavy pants. Jeonghan notes the redness of his lips, and it sinks in just how intense their kiss had been.

His best friend shakes his head in denial. “Han...I won’t...we can’t…” he chokes out. “This isn’t right. You’re not thinking clearly.”

Jeonghan’s heart sinks into his stomach. No. No, he is! He really is! “What? Cheol, no, I _am_ thinking clearly! Things have never been clearer to me!”

“You’re _hurting_ , Han. You didn’t mean it. This isn’t healthy-”

“No, listen to me!” Jeonghan yells, causing Seungcheol to flinch in surprise. Even Jeonghan startles himself with the volume of his voice. “I know what this looks like-”

“Then you know this can’t happen. Don’t...don’t do that to me. Please,” Seungcheol pleads, voice cracking. “I can’t...I can’t be your rebound, Hannie.”

Jeonghan swallows thickly and hops off the counter. Seungcheol seems about ready to step further away, but Jeonghan quickly holds his hands out in front of him reassuringly. “No don’t, just...hear me out, Cheol. Kissing you, I-I just felt something beyond explanation. I swear to you, it’s not just me trying to use you to forget him. I felt something. I really did.”

Seungcheol shakes his head repeatedly, looking more and more in denial with every word Jeonghan speaks. “No, don’t say that. It’s not true. I’m telling you, you’re not thinking straight. I understand that you’re hurting - probably more than I could ever imagine - but you’re...that was a mistake. I’m so sorry...I shouldn’t have let myself go like that.”

Jeonghan’s face flushes with a flash of anger. “Stop. Don’t stand there and act like I’m this gullible kid you just took advantage of, Seungcheol. We’re both grown men. I _wanted this_. Can you please try to understand that?”

His best friend can only stare back, eyes full of hurt. “Yeah, you did...but not with me, Han.”

Jeonghan frowns, panic flaring in his chest as Seungcheol turns and makes his way toward the break room door. He moves instantly, catching his wrist before the leader could reach for the door handle. “Cheol, no wait! You’re wrong-”

Seungcheol whirls around suddenly, just inches from Jeonghan’s face. The vocalist’s breath catches in his throat, mind instantly beginning to cloud and haze with the leader’s proximity. “Then why now, Jeonghan? Explain that.” Seungcheol’s jaw is clenched, and his eyes grow glassy. “Explain why after six plus years of friendship, you decide you want to kiss me _after_ Joshua, our best friend and the guy you’ve been pining after for the longest time, left you.”

Jeonghan sucks in a deep breath, at a complete loss for words. His nose tickles and his eyes sting - shit, is he crying? Embarrassing. All he can do is look straight into Seungcheol’s eyes and hope he can just magically make it all make sense.

He’s no idiot - he is absolutely well aware of why Seungcheol is interpreting his actions this way. Anyone would see Jeonghan’s behavior and call it a sad, desperate attempt at numbing the heartbreak and trying to forget his ex-boyfriend. He knows well how pathetic and selfish he looks. He knows Seungcheol is currently drowning in guilt and hurt.

But he also knows that he’s never felt anything as strong as what he just felt while kissing his best friend. He can’t ignore the way every last moment spent together for the past six years just fit together perfectly, every detail in place, every emotion now clearer than ever. 

Yes, Jeonghan is hurting. Hell, the thought of Joshua alone makes his chest hurt and his stomach twist and clench. The thought of Jihoon’s words and actions makes his blood boil and his head pound. And still, the thought of kissing Seungcheol overpowers it all. But how could he logically explain this without seeming like he’s fooling himself and Seungcheol? How could he convince Seungcheol that his actions were anything but an attempt to rebound?

Jeonghan’s watery gaze is pleading. He prays that somewhere in there, Seungcheol can magically unravel his thoughts the way he’s been able to before. He wills himself to simply project his emotions, lay them all out on display for his best friend to see and make sense of. 

Seungcheol swallows and pulls his hand out of Jeonghan’s grasp. “Exactly.” He steps away, hand pulling on the door handle. “I won’t hold it against you, I promise. It was my fault, anyway.”

Jeonghan’s eyes widen instantly, a tear slipping down his cheek. “What? Cheol, no please-”

Seungcheol silently turns and walks out, leaving Jeonghan alone with his tangled thoughts once again. He clumsily thumps backward against the wall, sliding to the floor and sobbing into his shaking hands. The half-eaten banana lays forgotten on the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really help with my confidence and motivation! feel free to share your thoughts and opinions, they mean a lot.


	11. is my love too much? is it just enough for you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seokmin and Chan devise a plan for mending the group back together, and the younger decides he's tired of hiding from Soonyoung.
> 
> title from "Feelings" - Lauv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LONG AND SUDDEN UPDATE BECAUSE I WAS INSPIRED!!! for those of you who were asking about it last chapter, next chapter will be in joshua's pov <3

Chan’s been spending a lot of time with Seokmin these days.

He tries to convince himself that he’s unsure as to why; after all, there are plenty of other members in the group he could spend time with. Still, deep down, he knows exactly why.

Seokmin is bright, cheery, and positive. He is everything Chan _isn’t right now_. The elder’s laugh is contagious. The sparkle in his eyes makes Chan want to forget everything weighing on him and live in the moment. He’s like a magnet, drawing Chan toward him - either for just a laugh, emotional support, or even a cuddle. Seokmin entertains him with jokes, funny videos, and an occasional song on his guitar. 

Seokmin gives Chan all the attention he’s always craved so badly - just from a different person.

Soonyoung hasn’t had an actual conversation with Chan in a week - not since he (sort of) found out about Chan’s feelings - not like Chan actually admitted to it, right? The maknae tries to ignore it, to pretend that Soonyoung is just going through a rough time and needs his space. He knows that’s not why. He sees the way Soonyoung stares at him and suddenly averts his gaze when he realizes Chan is noticing. He can’t ignore the way Soonyoung actively seems to avoid him, leaving a room the moment Chan walks in. His heart breaks a little more every time the unit leader falls silent in the middle of a conversation that Chan is suddenly pulled into by the other members, always followed by him politely excusing himself and walking away. And then there’s the _whispering_. 

Chan always catches Soonyoung and Jihoon whispering, throwing him the occasional glance. 

In fact, Soonyoung is avoiding him so openly that even Wonwoo, who always makes it a point to never meddle in affairs that don’t concern him, asks Chan about it. He lies, shrugging his shoulders and insisting that he isn’t sure why - “Hyung is just having a hard time. I’m sure he’ll go back to his usual self soon.” Wonwoo never seems convinced. 

The dome tour dates draw nearer, and the group’s chemistry is weaker than ever. Jeonghan continues to keep up a front for the others, pretending he isn’t hurting and that everything is okay. Chan worries for him more than ever; he’s positive he hasn’t seen his hyung take a bite of food in days, and each day he looks more and more ready to keel over from exhaustion. Seokmin seems to notice it too. 

To make matters worse, it seems to Chan that now Seungcheol is _also_ avoiding Jeonghan. Chan will have to ask Seungcheol about that; did he miss something? _Wouldn’t be the first time._

Joshua continues to keep to himself, shooting down anyone’s attempt at broaching the subject of Yoon Jeonghan. Minghao’s irritability is starting to rub off on Mingyu. Soonyoung’s ankle isn’t healing at the rate everyone expected, potentially ruling him out of performing on the tour. And now, to top it all off, a last minute setlist change made by Jeonghan has left Chan rushing to put together an entire solo stage in seven days, the deadline Hyerim has given him.

Chan’s stress levels are higher than they ever have been before, and so once again, he finds himself seeking out Seokmin once the others have turned in for the night. Not surprisingly, he finds the vocalist laying in his bed, typing on his phone with a small smile on his face. The back-to-back buzzing of his phone in his pocket tells him that Seokmin is probably replying to fans on Weverse. 

Chan knocks lightly on his door, offering the elder a smile. “Hey hyung, are you busy?”

“Never for you, Channie! What’s up?” Seokmin shifts and pats the spot next to him, into which Chan crawls and curls up next to his hyung. He rests his head on Seokmin’s chest, closing his eyes and humming in content at the feeling of Seokmin’s fingers carding through his black locks gently. It’s become an almost nightly ritual for the two - Chan climbing into Seokmin’s bed for cuddles and emotional support, and Seokmin playing with his hair to relax the younger. 

The younger sighs heavily, brow creasing with worry. “I’m stressed, hyung.”

“Mm, figured. What’s on your mind?”

“Everything.” 

Seokmin chuckles lightly. “That’s a lot of things to have on your mind, Channie, don’t you think?”

The younger groans. “It’s just that nothing seems to be going right. The dome tour is only weeks away and it still feels like we’re falling apart. The hyungs won’t talk to each other at all, and it’s affecting everything. Don’t you feel the constant heaviness hanging over us all the time? How are we supposed to put on great concerts for our fans when all this is happening behind the scenes? What if...what if we disappoint them, and they leave us?”

Seokmin hums lightly in acknowledgement and suddenly moves to stand up, pulling Chan with him. “Come on, let’s go for a walk, and I’ll tell you what I think. The fresh air will help clear your head, too. Maybe we can even try and come up with a solution. How’s that sound?” Chan nods, a soft smile spreading across his face. He can always count on Seokmin to make things better.

After getting dressed, the two slip out of Seokmin’s bedroom and into the hallway. A dim light coming from the common area catches their attention, along with quiet whispers. Seokmin raises his eyebrows questioningly, while Chan frowns in confusion. 

“...and you’re sure you didn’t faint that day because you’re sick?”

“No, no I swear, I’m okay. I just got really overwhelmed with everything that was happening and kind of shut down. I’m fine, Nonie, I promise. I was just so scared. I mean...you saw what happened with the hyungs. What if someone found out about us?”

“Nothing is going to come between what you and I have right now, Kwannie. I won’t let them. We are not going to end up like the hyungs, okay? Stop telling yourself that. Just...come here.”

Seokmin and Chan poke their heads around the side of the wall, the elder gasping. Chan’s eyes widen in shock. Now _this_ is an interesting development.

Seungkwan’s back leans against the kitchen island, arms wrapped tightly around Hansol’s waist. Hansol’s hands cup Seungkwan’s cheeks gently, their foreheads pressed together. Seungkwan takes in a deep breath, and the distance between the two’s lips close.

Chan feels a tug of happiness in his heart. He didn’t see this coming, but he should have. Of course Seungkwan and Hansol are more than just best friends. They complete each other’s sentences, cling to each other for support, and seek each other out during their free time more than anyone else in the group. Seungkwan’s head fits perfectly on Hansol’s shoulder, and Hansol’s eyes light up the moment the boisterous vocalist walks into a room, iced americano swirling in his hand as he tells yet another outrageous story about his variety show adventures.

Hansol and Seungkwan complete each other. It was just a matter of time.

Chan feels himself get tugged backward into the hallway, Seokmin holding a finger to his lips. He leads him back down the hall, just outside his room. “Follow my lead,” Seokmin whispers, receiving a nod from the younger in response.

“I can’t believe you’re craving fried chicken at _this time_ , Lee Chan. You’re lucky to have a hyung like me to spoil you,” Seokmin says loudly as he starts walking forward again, footsteps hitting the wooden floor a little louder than they normally should.

“I’m sorry! I just really want fried chicken!” Chan whines in response, following Seokmin into the common area where, not surprisingly, Seungkwan and Hansol are now on opposite sides of the kitchen island. Hansol’s head is in the fridge, making a show of looking for some midnight snack, while Seungkwan fidgets in his spot, scrolling through his phone.

“Oh! Looks like you’re not the only hungry one, Channie,” Seokmin teases with a grin. “Find anything good, Hansolie?”

Hansol frowns and shakes his head. “No, actually. Jeonghannie-hyung hasn’t gone grocery shopping in awhile. I only found cold ramen,” he replies with a sigh.

“Fried chicken at this time, Chan?” Seungkwan pipes in, brow cocked in amusement. Had it not been for the slight tremble in his hands or the redness of his cheeks, Seungkwan would seem completely normal to Chan.

The younger shrugs as he puts on a sheepish smile. “Can’t fight the cravings when they come.”

“These kids nowadays and their appetites!” Seokmin jokes, clearly trying to relax the two with his banter. “We’re heading out to go pick some up. Do you two want anything?” Seokmin offers.

Seungkwan quickly shakes his head. “No, actually I was just about to head to bed. But thanks for offering, hyung,” he replies quickly, hopping out of his stool seat and heading in the direction of the bedrooms. “See you in the morning!” he chirps with a wave. Chan doesn’t miss the way Hansol’s eyes discreetly follow Seungkwan as he disappears down the hallway.

“What about you, Hansol?”

“I think I’ll also pass and just call it a night. Eat well, you two!,” the brunette replies with his signature gummy grin before shutting the fridge door and heading off to his own room. The two immediately meet each other’s gazes with wide eyes, attempting to hold in mischievous giggles. Chan follows Seokmin out the door, and only when they’re on the street does Chan let out his giggles.

“Wow, I can’t believe! I mean, maybe I should’ve seen it coming, but hyung! Can you believe it?”

Seokmin shakes his head, eyes lit with bewilderment. “They’re so good at hiding it...wow! But we both agree that it stays between us, right? I mean clearly they don’t want anyone knowing, and with good reason.”

Chan nods in agreement. “Secret safe with us!” A thought occurs to him. “I feel like the amount of things kept between us is starting to build up, don’t you think, hyung?”

The elder grins. “It’s because we’re such good secret-keepers, no?” Their hands naturally find each other in the dark - another growing habit between the two - as they walk down the empty streets. Chan recognizes the route they’re taking as their usual route to the Han River. The two walk in a comfortable silence, an unspoken agreement seeming to exist between them to save the deep discussion for their destination.

Chan relaxes in the comfort of the city’s silence. The soft breeze blowing through his hair feels like a calming, gentle caress, much like the feeling of Seokmin’s fingers carding through his dark locks. The atmosphere of the sleeping city, combined with Seokmin’s warm, reassuring aura, easily puts Chan’s mind at ease, at least for a while.

“How’s the choreography coming along?” Seokmin asks, breaking the silence.

Chan sighs. “I think I have some good ideas. I just need time to put them together and show Soo-” He cuts himself off abruptly, remembering the unresolved tension between him and Soonyoung at the moment. Usually, the first opinion Chan seeks with respect to his dances is Soonyoung’s, but how could he when the elder seems bent on avoiding him like the plague?

“Soonyoung-hyung?” Seokmin supplies, brows creasing in confusion. “You seem hesitant.”

The younger swallows. “I just don’t want to burden him further,” he lies.

“Knowing him, I doubt giving you feedback on your ideas would be a burden.” Chan can only sigh and hum in acknowledgment. He’ll have to give that idea some more thought.

The pair reach the edge of the river and sit at a bench hidden well in the city’s shadows. Even at this time of night, the two are careful of the press. Chan presses close to Seokmin, still seeking his warmth. The elder hooks their pinkies together discreetly, but otherwise holds back from his usual skinship. 

“I’ve been giving everything a lot of thought these days,” Seokmin starts. Chan turns to look at him in the dark, gaze attentively on his face. “About us disappointing the fans, about the state of the group, and even our futures. I think that as far as CARATs are concerned, they won’t leave us so easily. Our bond is bigger than that. I have faith in them, and I know they do in us, too. Of course, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give them as much of ourselves as we physically can.”

“But how can we do that with the group suffering the way we are? We’re a mess, hyung.”

Seokmin nods in agreement. “I know...you’re right, Channie. Here’s how I see it. As a group, we’ve been through some really difficult times together. This isn’t the first time we fight, and it’s not the first time insults are thrown. So I thought to myself, if those things aren’t anything new, then what _is_ new in this situation? And I realized that this is actually the first time that no one in the group is actively addressing the issues. I think that to heal, we need to open up serious communication not just between the hyungs, but among all of us. I don’t know what’s going on in Jihoon-hyung’s mind, but I think he’s probably scared. Maybe...maybe if we could find a way to give everyone a safe space to talk without being judged or attacked, we could fix things as a group again.”

“You mean like an intervention? Hyung, that sounds terrifying.”

Seokmin rolls his eyes. “Not like that...I mean like a group therapy session. You know, one in which we’re not Dino and DK from SEVENTEEN, but just Chan and Seokmin. Same for the others. I think that sometimes our true selves get so mixed up with our group personas that it’s easy to neglect internal struggles. It’s even worse now with all the nonstop tour preparations.”

Chan nods, pondering the possibility. It’s a good idea - a _really_ good one, he thinks, if it’s executed properly. “I suppose that makes sense. But how could we get everyone together in the same room and not alert anyone at the company about what’s going on? And what if the hyungs don’t want to?”

The elder hums, retreating back into his thoughts. “Good point The dorms are already split, so it might not be a good place. Hyosung hyungnim tends to drop by often, too. What are some times that we’ve all been together as a group without having watchful staff eyes on us all the time?”

Chan thinks, and then a thought occurs to him. “What about Seungkwan-hyung’s family’s house in Jeju-do? Remember when we went there as a group for dinner with his family? It was one of the only real times we spent together as a group without staff and cameras everywhere. We had so much fun together that time! Plus the beach and ocean is literally in their backyard.”

Seokmin’s eyes light up. “Shit...that’s a great idea, Channie! All we’d have to do is ask Kwannie to have his family invite us over again before the tour begins! It’d be a break from all the tour business, the company staff, and the cameras. Maybe then, and only then, the hyungs will open up and just _talk to each other_.”

The maknae grins up at Seokmin, feeling hopeful and optimistic for the first time in what feels like _ages_. A warm, bright feeling settles in his chest and spreads across his body, countering the chilly breeze by the river. “You really think this could work, hyung?”

Seokmin grins back. “I have a good feeling it will. When did you get so smart, huh?” he asks, ruffling Chan’s hair playfully. Chan laughs and smacks the vocalist’s hand away, blushing lightly.

“Hey hey, I’ve always been smart, thank you very much! You hyungs just don’t notice it.”

“Clearly I should be paying more attention then,” Seokmin replies with a bright twinkle in his eyes. Chan isn’t sure whether it’s just the stars reflected in his gaze, or whether it’s something deeper, buried under layers that he hasn’t peeled back yet. Still, his cheeks heat up, and his stomach does a tiny little flip. His hold on Seokmin’s pinkie finger tightens.

“I think we make a good team, hyung,” Chan says honestly.

Seokmin nods, voice becoming softer, warm like honey. “I think we do too, Channie.”

The pair sit together for a while longer, discussing their plan in further detail. They’d let the rest of the _dongsaengs_ in on the plan, with Seungkwan taking care of arranging the group trip to Jeju-do. They’d be sure to keep it hidden from all of the group's elders until after arriving at Seungkwan's family home. Seokmin and Chan would have to play referee for the others, particularly for Jihoon - constant attacks on Jihoon could only lead to more anger and resentment. They’d have to ensure an understanding, open-minded environment for everyone for this to work. It would be uncomfortable, difficult, and perhaps painful, but the two agree on the necessity of having an open conversation. 

“And you don’t think it’d be weird or offensive to Cheol-hyung if we took the reins and led this whole thing? I mean, he is our leader after all,” Chan asks, feeling a slight twinge of guilt at the idea of leading Seungcheol into such a situation without preparation when normally he handles any group-wide conflict himself.

Seokmin shakes his head. “I don’t think so, not when he hasn’t done anything to start the conversation already. I’m not accusing or blaming him for anything, though. I think he’s just too in over his head with work and worries to properly tackle this whole situation. Plus, I don’t know about you, but he seems kind of off these days - more than usual.”

“I thought the same thing. Kind of seems like he’s been avoiding Jeonghannie-hyung, no?”

The elder hums. “So it wasn’t my imagination, then. Do you think something happened between them behind closed doors? I mean neither of them are going to tell us anything, thinking they’re protecting us.”

Chan groans. “I don’t know, maybe. I just wish they wouldn’t do that. They’re not our parents to be deciding what we get to know and what we don’t, hyung! If it affects the group, shouldn’t we know about it, whatever it is?”

Seokmin nods. “I agree with you. I just hope they see it that way too and don’t hold back. Whatever happens, at least we can say we tried, right?” 

Chan sighs and nods, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I hope so. I never realized how incredibly close we are as a group until our chemistry shattered. Never thought I’d suddenly miss those times.”

“They’re not gone, Channie. Whatever happens, we’re going to get through this. We’ve worked way too hard as a group for it to all go to waste now. I just know good things are going to come out of this plan,” Seokmin replies, resolve evident in his voice. If there’s anything Seokmin knows how to do, it’s turn a million negative things into one big positive - and never in a toxic way. Seokmin’s optimism is contagious, leaving Chan with a sudden sense of determination and hope that drowns his inner doubts and worries.

“I think I can feel it too,” Chan replies. “Well, should we head back? Sounds like we’ll need a lot of rest to plan things out without raising any suspicion.”

Seokmin agrees, standing up and stretching before taking Chan’s hand in his own. The two walk back to the dorms silently, Chan’s mood much better than it was when they left.

And so he thinks about how this group therapy session might play out. Would Jihoon admit to the shared feelings between him and Soonyoung? Would he finally confess to the real reasons why he exploded at Joshua and Jeonghan that day? Would Joshua have a change of heart and ask Jeonghan for a second chance? How would Seungcheol feel about it? Chan worries that he’ll get hurt again. Is he hurt already? Why could he possibly be avoiding Jeonghan?

Would Seungcheol’s own buried feelings come to light? Hell, would his _own_ feelings for Soonyoung come out? Jihoon outed him once - would he do it again in front of the whole group?

Somehow, Chan can make peace with that now. It’s not as if things could get any worse for him. Soonyoung not only rejected him, but he also loves someone else. No one else is going to hate or judge him for his feelings, now that he knows all the members would be supportive of his sexuality. _What even_ is _my sexuality?_

Well, that’s a loaded question for...let’s see...two in the fucking morning? He’ll ponder that one another time.

“You seem thoughtful,” Seokmin observes, nudging him slightly. “Worrying again?”

Chan shakes his head. “Not really worrying...just pondering what might happen. Certain things might come out about me, and...I guess I’m okay with that.”

Seokmin stops in his tracks, turning to face Chan with a puzzled expression. “About you?”

The younger sighs and shrugs. “I’m not sure if they will or not...but I’m just preparing myself for the possibility.”

The vocalist tilts his head sideways. “Like what kinds of things? Something bad?”

Chan lets out a nervous laugh. “Well, define _bad_.”

“Dangerous? Something you could get in big trouble for?” Alarm registers in the elder’s eyes.

The maknae’s eyes widen. “Oh, no no! Nothing like that, hyung. Don’t worry.”

Seokmin visibly relaxes, letting out a sigh of relief. “Okay...so what could it be then?”

_Should you tell him, Chan? Do you want to tell him? Would it change your dynamic at all?_

Chan swallows. “I…” His throat closes up. He can’t say it, not with the intensity with which Seokmin is staring at him.

“You don’t have to say it if you don’t want to, Channie. I respect that,” Seokmin adds, a small, reassuring smile on his face. Chan finally manages to take a breath, exhaling in relief. He nods softly, pulling the elder in for a hug.

“You always understand. Thank you, hyung,” Chan whispers, head buried in his chest. Seokmin tightens his hold around the younger, fingers instantly carding through his hair comfortingly.

“You don’t have to thank me. Just know I’m always here for you. You know you can come to me for anything right? I promise I’ll never judge you.”

“I know,” Chan replies, feeling lightweight. “Trust me, I know.”

The two return to the dorms, this time letting go of each other before they walk in. Chan for sure doesn’t want another repeat of their experience running into Soonyoung last time, with the dancer having eyed them with the kind of suspicion fitting of something much more _taboo_. 

“You alright sleeping on your own tonight?” Seokmin asks, stopping in front of the door to Chan, Junhui, and Seungkwan’s shared room. 

Chan ponders it. “I think so. If not, can I come bother you later?”

Seokmin laughs and nods. “Always. If I don’t answer, I’m probably knocked out. You can always sneak in if I am. I don’t mind.”

“You’re the best. Thanks hyung,” Chan replies with a bright grin, hugging the elder again quickly before turning toward the door.

“Don’t mention it. And hey, don’t worry too much, alright? We’ll figure this out. It’ll be okay.”

The maknae pauses before nodding again. “Okay, I trust you.” With that, Seokmin offers a final wave and disappears into his room, the door shutting softly behind him. Chan smiles a little to himself and pushes the door to his own shared room open, cautious not to wake up either of the sleeping men in the room. 

He searches in the dark for his pajamas, turning on his cell phone light as a guide. If he stubs his toe by accident over one of Junhui’s boots, he makes sure to hold in the painful cry. He manages to find his pajamas under a heap of practice clothes - _Damn, I should really clean this up some_ \- and changes into them as quietly as possible. As he’s slipping on a black, thermal top, his phone buzzes and lights up with a text. 

Chan frowns in confusion, wondering who could still be awake and texting him at this time. His eyes nearly pop out of his head at the words now sitting on his lock screen.

_hoshi hyung: hey...can we talk?_

Chan nearly drops his phone in his hurry to unlock it and type back a quick reply. But then he pauses. Should he reply? What if he plays it cool and pretends he fell asleep already? But then again, everyone’s asleep. Now’s the perfect time to get him alone and clear everything up!

But does he _want_ to clear everything up? Won’t Soonyoung just corner him into finally speaking an admission of his feelings? Would it be better or worse than the awkward silence between them? Why does he want to talk? What could he possibly have to say after a week of avoiding him? 

Maybe he should wait a few minutes. Because answering immediately would seem a little desperate no? And Chan is way too cool to be desperate. In fact, he’s so cool he might just even wait until tomorrow! Leave him on _read_? Give him a dose of his own medicine?

 _Yeah, Chan, you’re way too cool to be desperate!_ Hmm, sounds fair.

Chan nearly yelps at the sudden interruption of his frantic thoughts by his phone buzzing again.

_hoshi hyung: i know you’re awake chan, you literally opened my text_

Chan internally groans, holding back the urge to facepalm. _Dumbass_ , he chides himself. 

_me: now?_

He rolls his eyes. _No, Chan, he means tomorrow._

_hoshi hyung: uhh...yeah? is that ok?_

Well...there’s no getting around it now.

_me: ok, be out in a sec._

Chan swallows thickly and tries to ignore the sudden churning of his stomach. He wipes his now sweating palms on his plaid pajama pants and holds back the urge to heave. He instantly hates the effect that Soonyoung has on him; a part of him knows well that no single person should have this much power over another. 

But it’s _Soonyoung_ , and well...Soonyoung is perfect.

He hears the door across the hall creak open and shut softly and watches Soonyoung’s hobbling shadow pass underneath the bottom crack of the door. Chan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, willing himself to keep his nerves in check.

He steps back out of the room hesitantly and into the hallway. His eyes instantly find Soonyoung’s as he walks into the living room, and _fuck_ , he was not ready for this at all.

Soonyoung’s hair, now dyed a deep auburn, still appears damp from the shower. It’s pushed back from his face, revealing his forehead. He’s sitting on the couch, his rather oversized white sleeping shirt hanging slightly off his shoulder and exhibiting the dip of his collarbones. His black boxers peek out from under the long hem of his shirt. Soonyoung clutches one of his tiger plushies to his chest as he stares back at Chan, visibly swallowing.

“Hey,” his velvety voice says softly.

Chan hesitates before moving toward the couch, sitting on the opposite end. “Hey,” he replies back, wincing at the unsteadiness of his voice.

Soonyoung’s eyebrows twitch with what seems like confusion. “You don’t have to sit so far away, you know. I promise I won’t bite.”

Chan sucks in a sharp breath at his words, stomach flipping and head clouding just a little. “Sorry,” he mumbles in apology as he shifts closer, still an arm’s distance away.

Soonyoung frowns a little but doesn’t comment on Chan’s distance anymore. He seems to ponder what to say next for a moment before his lips part. “No, you don’t have to apologize. I do.”

Now _that_ was unexpected.

Suddenly Chan is less nervous and more curious. “Apologize? For what, hyung?”

Soonyoung looks down at his plushie, now nervously picking tiny fibers from it. “I shouldn’t have cornered you the way I did that day. My mind was all over the place, and I didn’t realize how badly I must’ve scared you. Not to mention the way I avoided you for a week as though you’d been the one to ambush _me_. I handled it all so badly, and for that I’m really sorry.” His sharp, upturned eyes meet Chan’s, and the younger can see the guilt and embarrassment reflected in them. He couldn’t possibly hold a grudge against him now.

Chan nods softly. “It’s alright. I understand you must’ve been really shocked that day. I’m not angry at you.”

Soonyoung winces a little. “I was shocked...a lot of things happened that morning, obviously. But that wasn’t any excuse to corner you that way on a baseless suspicion.”

The younger swallows. “It’s okay, really.”

Soonyoung lets out a shaky breath before speaking up again. “Jihoonie and I...there’s nothing going on. I need you to know that.”

Chan frowns. “Um...okay. Why would you need me to know that?”

The unit leader shifts uncomfortably. “I guess, in case you’re not okay with it? I’m not really sure...I just need you to know that nothing has happened nor is _going to_ happen.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay with it? It’s your life, hyung. And if you love him, well I’d be really selfish if I _wasn’t_ okay with it.”

Soonyoung watches Chan almost in the same calculating way that he had a week ago, right before he’d asked Chan for the truth. And still, his gaze feels different this time. While a week ago, it was cold and rejecting, this time, it’s curious and confused. “Oh...well, okay. I mean, in any case, we talked about it and decided that it’s just not going to happen for us. Jihoon doesn’t want anything like that.”

“Like what, a relationship?”

Soonyoung looks back down at his tiger plushie. “Like, _nothing_. Just friendship.”

Chan lets himself process Soonyoung’s words before nodding. “Oh. Okay. I guess he has his reasons then. Are you okay?”

The unit leader looks back up at him, clearly taken aback by Chan’s question. “O-Oh...um, am I okay? Wow...I mean, I guess so. If it’s what he wants-”

“No, really hyung. Are you okay?” Chan insists, choosing to push aside his own feelings for now to understand how Soonyoung is feeling. He imagines it can’t be easy for the elder after so many years of rejection.

Soonyoung takes a deep breath and begins to speak, but his voice cracks. “I...I _have_ to be okay. There’s nothing left to say or do about it. Jihoon made his choice, and I have to respect it. It...I mean it hurts, I guess, but it’s fine really-”

Chan shakes his head, shifting closer at catching a tear escaping from Soonyoung’s eye. “Don’t invalidate your feelings, hyung. That’s something you taught me, remember?” 

The unit leader laughs nervously and nods. “You’re right, I just- I feel like I don’t get to tell you about how I feel.”

“Why not?” Chan presses. “It’s not like I actually gave you an answer that day.”

Soonyoung swallows and licks his bottom lip. “I won’t make you answer if you don’t want to. We can just forget it ever happened. Leave it up in the air.”

The younger thinks for a moment before shaking his head. “Actually no, let’s not.” He’s unsure where his sudden resolution is coming from, but a part of him simply decides in that moment that he’s tired of hiding. He’s been stressing for a whole week over Soonyoung distancing himself from him because of his feelings. He’s tired, and Soonyoung is _right there_ , looking better than he ever has before, even with a tear-stained cheek, a wrapped up ankle, and his hands clutching a fucking tiger plushie (because literally who else besides the group’s resident horangi would carry a dog-sized tiger plushie around the dorm with him?).

Every star aligns, every planet stops spinning on its axis, and Chan is just tired _enough_.

So he leans in slowly, giving Soonyoung a chance to pull away in case he _really_ doesn’t want this, and presses a feather-light kiss to the corner of Soonyoung’s mouth. His entire body comes to life like a live wire in the short, simple contact, and when he pulls away, his heart is slamming against his chest at an alarming rate. His palms are actually _sweating_ now as he gauges Soonyoung’s reaction, nervous eyes taking in every last twitch in his face.

The elder doesn’t quite react instantly, still seemingly in shock over what just happened. But soon enough, his lips part multiple times as he falters in finding the right words to say. He doesn’t look angry or disgusted - Chan instantly notes that and feels a wave of relief. He just seems...confused.

“You don’t have to say anything, hyung. I know you love Jihoon-hyung, and that’s honestly okay. If you want, you can think of this as just me returning the kiss you gave me to stop my panic attack back to you. I just need you to promise me one thing.”

Soonyoung’s eyes are still dilated and unfocused, but he nods nonetheless. “Promise me that this won’t change our relationship, neither as friends nor as co-workers. I just want us to stay the same. Is that alright?” Chan asks, bracing himself for a sudden _no_.

Soonyoung blinks and takes a deep breath. Finally, he nods slowly. “Okay Channie...I promise,” he finally replies, sounding strangely out of breath. “Nothing changes. We’re still the same.”

Chan smiles softly, longingly, before nodding and standing up. Soonyoung watches him closely, a million mixed emotions reflected in his eyes. “You should get some rest. Goodn-”

Soonyoung’s phone dings on the coffee table, his eyes instantly focusing on the screen. He instantly blanches, eyes widening. Chan watches him with worry. “Hyung? What’s wrong?”

The unit leader stands up immediately. “It’s Joshua and Jihoon. It's _bad_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos really motivate me and boost my confidence!! please feel free to share your your questions, thoughts, and nightmares below <3 thank you for reading!!


	12. [joshua] and if only i could hold you, you’d keep my head from goin’ under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Joshua wrestles constantly with his inner demons, and an untimely visit from Jihoon sends him over the edge.
> 
> title from "Bruises" - Lewis Capaldi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BEFORE PROCEEDING!!
> 
> disclaimer: this chapter is EXTREMELY heavy. it was really hard for me to write (had to rewrite twice), and it will probably be just as hard to read. joshua is in a really dark place mentally right now, so i want to make sure you're prepared. i myself am both a practicing catholic and part of the lgbtq+ community, so a lot of joshua's thoughts and feelings come from my own experiences grappling with both identities. please read with caution.
> 
> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS // internalized homophobia, homophobic language, religious homophobia, religious references, depictions of violence, members fighting, anxiety, self-hate/hateful thoughts, self-harm (?? it's really such a light reference it might not even count toward this but I'd rather be safe just in case)

Isolation has become a recurrent theme for Joshua these days.

It’s as though a part of him knows that, if he lets himself talk to anyone outside of professional matters, every last emotion bottled inside him would come rushing out like a broken dam and destroy everything. Joshua is well aware that he’s a ticking time bomb ready to explode, with the right provocation and the wrong circumstances. Still, he swallows it all down. He’s the good gentleman, the dutiful hyung -to put it simply, he forces himself to continue to be the Joshua Hong that the company and the group needs him to be.

But in the silent darkness of his bedroom, with no one but his thoughts to keep him company, he doesn’t need to be Joshua of SEVENTEEN anymore; rather, he’s a crumbling Jisoo wrestling with an identity crisis so massive that questioning his own existence has become a habit. At least with Jeonghan, he could share his thoughts and burdens with someone who would talk him down from the dangerous ledge he’s been teetering on. He’d have someone to validate his feelings and identities, reassuring him with never-ending patience and love that it’s okay for him to be who he is, love who he wants to, be comfortable and happy in his own skin.

_No Josh, you don’t get to miss him. You made a choice. You ran away and left him._

Joshua has even kept Hansol at an arm’s distance, despite the younger constantly checking on him and begging him to talk to him. He couldn’t possibly burden Hansol with his problems - he’s his little brother, after all. It’s Joshua’s job to watch over him, no? Not the other way around.

His mind continuously hurls sharp, heavy stones in the form of painful accusations and harsh insults at him back to back. Joshua figures it’s a rather fitting analogy for him. Thinking about it deeply, stoning was how sinners were punished in all those Bible stories he grew up with. 

And that’s exactly what every word that escaped Jihoon’s mouth felt like that day - stones cast at him with the sole purpose of killing his spirit. 

Joshua closes his eyes and struggles to hold back the cries wanting to escape his cracked lips. He’s practically gnawed them into a reddened, chapped pulp from thinking and overthinking. _Did I make the right choice for the group? Is Jeonghan better off without me? Was this right for me?_

Breaking up with Jeonghan over something as pathetic as a text was, without a shadow of a doubt, the most painful choice he’s ever made in his life. It was like a part of him permanently broke the moment he sent the text and watched as the _read_ appeared on his screen, only to be followed with a deafening silence that has since lasted an entire week. It would probably continue, if Joshua is honest with himself. He can’t bring himself to speak to his ex, nor even _look_ at him, for that matter. He doesn’t deserve it.

Yoon Jeonghan is the best thing that’s ever happened to him - he knows it with every fiber of his being, and yet every rational thought in his head, so immersed in the belief system he’d been taught ever since he can remember, just can’t reconcile that fact. His grandparents would say that Yoon Jeonghan is nothing more than a temptation from the devil meant to push him onto some dark, evil path that would condemn his soul to the fiery pits of Hell. So how on earth is he supposed to feel? What is he supposed to listen to, his head or his heart?

Now don’t get him wrong - Joshua is _not_ homophobic. It’s not like the first thing he thinks of when he sees two men in a relationship is “Oh shit, they’re going to Hell.” If one of the other members of the group ever came out to him, he would always be more than supportive and loving. Hell, when Jeonghan confessed his sexuality to him, Joshua pulled him into a tight hug and congratulated him, thanked him even for trusting him with such a personal confession.

But _him_ \- Hong Jisoo, the gentle, sweet Catholic boy raised in a good, God-fearing family, being anything _but_ heterosexual? Falling in love with his very _male_ best friend? Now _that_ is something he can’t quite digest, and even less now that Jihoon so hurtfully insisted that he and Jeonghan should never have come out.

Joshua’s fists tighten in his bedsheets, body shaking with warring emotions that both exhaust and wire him up. It’s as though his mind were in the middle of a never-ending war between what his heart burns for so badly and what his mind convinces him is forbidden. The way two of his deepest identities directly conflict with each other is almost torturous. Maybe he’s an anomaly.

Something has to be wrong with him, right? That’s what his grandparents would say, he’s sure of it. He must be defective, or just confused. _Jisoo-yah, you haven’t seen a woman in years. Of course you’d be tempted by your best friend. That boy is just a phase. It’ll pass. Just pray._

He can almost hear his grandmother’s voice echoing those words in his ear, his grandfather refusing to look at him. His father would stand off to the side, frowning and holding his mother’s hand for support. His mother, always so understanding and open-minded, might be the only person who wouldn’t regard him differently. Joshua can envision her calm, contemplative face offering him a small, serene smile. She wouldn’t say a word, but her eyes would say it all. 

His mind can’t conjure up a single word of support from his family members in such a situation - at least not before they pray a Rosary for his enlightenment - _“Heavenly Father, You who make things perfect, enlighten our Jisoo with your Spirit so that he may see the error of his thoughts and feelings, and grant him Your grace so that he may walk in the path of Your light, Amen.”_

Joshua feels beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and soaking the pillow underneath him. Why can’t he just fucking _sleep_? He sits upright, face in his hands as he bites back a sob inching its way up his throat. None of it makes sense to him - not the teachings nor the values.

Isn’t God all-loving? Didn’t He create everyone in His own image and likeness? Didn’t Jesus Christ sit with all the outcasts and the sinners, welcoming and loving them? If any of it is true - he’s never doubted his faith this intensely until _now_ \- how could God hate him for his feelings?

_What could be so wrong about loving you, Hannie?_

_Jeonghan. Jeonghan. Jeonghan. I miss you. I love you. I need you. It hurts._

Joshua sniffles, running his fingers shakily through his sweaty hair. His hand reaches underneath his pillow for his rosary. It isn’t just one of those colored, plastic rosaries people simply wear as an accessory without paying any respect to the symbol or the meaning behind it; no, this one is special. His mother gave it to him before he moved to Korea as she kissed him goodbye at LAX. “Never forget wherever you go, God loves you and is with you, Jisoo-yah,” she’d said, tears in her eyes and a soft, warm smile on her lips.

Joshua misses her. The longing for one of her warm, encouraging hugs tugs at his chest as he holds the beaded relic in his hands. His eyebrows knit together as he thinks of what he could possibly say to God at this moment. If the teachings that were pounded into him since he was young are actually true, would God even listen to him now, with his heart full of love and want for Jeonghan? If it’s all true, then how could God even love him anymore after this?

“I’m so sorry,” Joshua whispers brokenly as he closes his fist tightly around the rosary. A broken apology is all he can find in himself to say - what else would suffice? What prayer could he send up to the heavens to absolve him of his... _inclinations_ , as his church community would call them? 

_Deviant. Unnatural. Broken. Defective. Tainted. Shameful. Repulsive._

His mind reels and reels, stone after stone hurled at him, breaking each one of his bones one by one. Each one pushes him closer and closer to the edge of a figurative cliff, burning hellfire waiting for him at the bottom. Deep down, he feels it in his gut that something meant to bring him hope, comfort, happiness - his faith - is not supposed to make him feel this way. His own belief system should not be rigged against him, contradicting his very existence and feelings.

_Hannie, I need you. I love you. I miss you. I hope you know this is killing me slowly._

Jeonghan’s absence is his own fault, and while his mind tells him he made the right choice, his heart breaks further. It doesn’t _feel_ right. Everything feels wrong. _You were wrong, Joshua._

But then the heaviness of the glass rosary beads in his hands and the echoes of Jihoon’s angry insults and slurs remind him of why he did it. Joshua suddenly wishes he could simply take a power drill to his own temple and destroy the memories of that day, along with the memory of ever having fallen for Yoon Jeonghan.

He needs to see his face. His heart might very well explode in his chest if he doesn’t. 

So against his better judgment, Joshua picks his phone off the bedside table and hesitates before opening up his photo gallery. He scrolls through it with shaking hands, staring at picture after picture of him and Jeonghan together - some with the other boys, some with Seungcheol photobombing in the back, but most of just the two alone. If he looks closely, Joshua can even track the evolution of their feelings for each other through the photos. He can see where they begin particularly in a selca the two took together behind the scenes of Very Nice - Jeonghan leans in a little more that he should have, long black hair drooping over Joshua’s shoulder. The closeness between the two only continued to grow over the years, most recently ending with a photo of Joshua’s face buried in a blond Jeonghan’s neck, his boyfriend grinning from ear to ear.

The vocalist can’t help but take in how happy and whole he seemed around Jeonghan. For a moment, he feels that light, airy happiness again as he relives each and every moment with his best friend over the years. For a split second, his mind is at ease.

That is, until a banner notification drops, showing a goodnight text from his mother.

_Mom: Goodnight Jisoo! Sleep tight, and remember God loves you! We miss you - call soon._

He’d been avoiding talking to his mom for a few weeks now, unresolved guilt over his relationship with Jeonghan causing him to pull away from her. He feels wrong for it - he’s always had a close relationship with her. Seeing her text triggers a buildup of shame and guilt. 

Joshua doesn’t realize he’s crying until a thick droplet lands on his phone screen, landing on Jeonghan’s smiling face. He quickly clicks his phone screen off and tosses his phone to his side. He bends his legs up to his chest and hugs himself tightly, face buried in his knees. A sense of weak helplessness takes over, as though he were a child lost in the middle of Seoul with no sense of direction. He can’t bring himself to reply to his mom; not without feeling the overwhelming need to apologize to her for being a failure of a son.

A soft knock on his door drags him abruptly out of his thoughts. His mind immediately flashes to one person - “Jeonghan?” he whispers, heart shriveling up in his chest at the thought. He remains frozen in place, listening closely. _No, it couldn’t be._

Another soft knock follows with no words spoken through the door. Joshua can’t decide whether to answer or pretend he’s already asleep, keeping himself shielded. Eventually, a pang of guilt leads him to unsteadily climb out of bed and pad his way to the door. His stomach flips and his heart rate accelerates to a rather concerning speed. Joshua wipes his tears away and cracks the door open, wide, round eyes searching for the face of the other person behind the door.

His blood runs cold when his eyes meet Jihoon’s.

He hasn’t truly _looked_ at the younger man since the day of the blowout, the last emotion he can recall registering in Jihoon’s gaze being outright disgust. But here he is now, feline eyes wide and scared. Jihoon’s face almost impossibly drains of color upon meeting Joshua’s guarded gaze. Joshua swallows thickly and quickly moves to shut the door again, but Jihoon catches it, wedging a foot between the door and the frame. “Wait, hyung please, I come in peace.”

Joshua feels an instant surge of white hot anger rising in his chest, but he just barely manages to suppress it. He pauses before pulling the door open again and taking a deep breath. “What?” he whispers, wincing at the hoarseness of his normally crystal clear voice.

Jihoon swallows, brow creasing in worry at the sight of Joshua’s current disheveled and emotional state. He knows his struggles are written all over his face. “H-Hi...could we talk?”

“Jihoon, I honestly have nothing to say to you,” Joshua replies softly, looking down at the floor. 

The younger winces. “But I do...just please hear me out-”

Joshua opens the door wider, once again feeling anger wanting to surface. This time, he can’t quite keep the bite out of his words. “Oh, trust me, I _did_. I heard you loud and clear when you called Hannie and me _fucking queers_.” _Walk away, Josh. Don’t say or do anything you’re going to regret. Just walk away. Tell him to leave. It’s that easy._

The younger’s expression shifts from nervousness to hurt. Joshua wants to scoff. What could Lee Jihoon possibly look hurt over? What right does he have to feel that way?

The younger visibly swallows, voice growing shakier with every word. “I didn’t mean it, hyung, I swear,” he begins, seeming to invite himself into Joshua’s room, closing the door softly behind him. “I-If you’ll hear me out, I can explain-”

Now Joshua can’t help but let out a dark chuckle. “Explain now? A week later? Seriously?”

Jihoon’s bottom lip wobbles dangerously. “I’m so, so, sorry. I know it’s been a long time. I just didn’t know what to say. But I’m ready now-”

“Wait...I’m sorry, what? You’re _ready_? What about me, Jihoon? What makes you think _I’m ready_? This is just -” Joshua cuts himself off, once again feeling the same white hot anger rising in his bloodstream. Shit, he needs to control himself _now_. “You know what? Just...please leave,” Joshua replies softly, voice strained and fists clenching at his sides. The edges of his vision are starting to turn dark, and if he doesn’t get a hold on his emotions _right now_ , he might just-

“I know I have no right to ask you for your time or your attention, hyung. I-I’m begging you, just hear me out,” Jihoon replies, voice cracking as his eyes fill with unshed tears. Crocodile tears, if you ask Joshua. The younger sniffles, taking a step closer to Joshua.

“Leave me alone, Jihoon. I don’t care about what you have to say.”

“But hyung-”

Joshua grits his teeth, fingernails digging into his palms painfully. “I said, _leave_.” His hands are trembling more and more, vision clouding and skin burning red with anger. He has to take a step back. He needs to breathe. He needs to turn his back on him.

The elder turns around and supports himself on his dresser, eyes squeezed shut as he attempts to regulate his breathing. His grip is deathly tight on the edge of the wood as he tries to ground himself. He has to put his anger in check, he has to -

But it seems Jihoon is on the stubborn side today. The younger doesn’t budge, hesitantly walking further into the room. Joshua hears him speak up softly from behind him. “Hyung...I know you’re furious at me, and you have every right to be. I hate myself for what happened, too. But...you really didn’t have to end things with Hannie-hyung-”

And something about the mention of his ex causes something inside him to snap like a twig. His control is snatched out his shaky grip as the boiling rage he’s been containing for the past week finally hits a breaking point. All rational thought flies out the window, and all Joshua can think of is the pain, the anger, the hurt, and the shame. It’s all too much. It’s destructive.

In a split second, Joshua is reaching for the nearest object in his reach - a glass paperweight - and hurling it at Jihoon’s head with full strength.

“Fuck off!” Joshua shrieks, the paperweight narrowly missing the younger’s head and shattering into a million pieces against the wall next to him. Jihoon yelps in shock, eyes now full of fear as Joshua charges toward him. “Just fuck off!”

The elder’s hands bunch around Jihoon’s nightshirt in an iron grip and shove him into the door, wanting desperately for him to just leave him alone. Jihoon’s back slams against it painfully. The younger wrestles with Joshua’s grip to loosen himself from it, eventually winning and pushing his hyung away. 

“Shua-hyung, please! Calm down!” Jihoon shouts, now in tears. “I didn’t mean to-”

“You meant all of it, Lee Jihoon! Stop lying to me!” Joshua screams, driven by a blind, hot rage now impossible to contain. It drives him to a mad impulsivity; suddenly, his hand closes around a mug on his bedside table and swings. Jihoon flinches and instinctively shields his head as the mug shatters against the door right next to his head, pieces of porcelain flying and cutting the younger’s left hand and cheek.

But he won’t leave, and Joshua doesn’t know how to handle it.

“You’re wrong, hyung! I didn’t mean any of it! I’m struggling too! Please, please just calm down-”

“Don’t tell me to calm down when you did this to me!” Joshua shrieks, and without thinking clearly, he charges again at Jihoon. The younger only has enough time to brace himself before Joshua’s throwing him onto the floor. He gasps and barely manages to get back on his feet before Joshua is throwing a punch. Jihoon catches his arm just in time and wrestles his hyung to the floor, sitting on him and pleading with him desperately the entire time.

Joshua thrashes and struggles against Jihoon, who’s managed to pin both his wrists against his chest. “I’m so sorry, hyung, I’m so, so sorry. Please, please just calm down, you’re scaring me!”

“I hate you, Lee Jihoon! You ruined everything! You took my happiness from me! I hate you!” Joshua screams and screams like a broken record on repeat, every word dripping with venom.

“No...hyung please stop, you don’t mean that! I know you don’t mean that!” Jihoon cries as he shakes his head, grip weakening for a split second. It gives Joshua the advantage, letting him swing. His fist meets Jihoon’s jaw painfully, causing the younger to yelp and fall sideways. Joshua growls and pins Jihoon to the floor this time. Jihoon’s eyes widen fearfully, fingernails clawing at Joshua’s face and leaving angry, red scratches behind in an attempt to push him off. The elder fights him back, fist ready to slam into Jihoon’s face over and over -

But he never gets to swing. Out of nowhere, two pairs of arms are around Joshua’s body, yanking him off of Jihoon with full force. Joshua’s ears are ringing so loudly that he can barely hear the other voices yelling and screaming. The grips on his arms are so tight he just _knows_ they’ll leave bruises. Still, Joshua blindly thrashes and fights, blazing anger still focused on the shorter man on the floor, now sobbing into someone’s shoulder. He can’t even make out who it is, vision too blurry from the tears steadily streaming from his eyes.

Even so, the sight only enrages him more. Why should he get any emotional support? He doesn’t deserve it! Everything is his fault! Why doesn’t everyone hate him like he does?

“Shua! Shua, snap out of it please! Listen to me! Stop saying that, you don’t mean it!” someone shouts into his ear. Seungcheol? Did he speak his thoughts out loud?

Joshua thrashes further. No, he’s not finished! He was just getting started! 

Anger. Scorching, white hot anger is all he feels running up and down his body. His lethal glare is still unwaveringly zeroed in on Jihoon like a rabid animal locked on its target. He’s shouting, but he can’t register what he’s saying. All he can feel is the struggle of two people attempting to subdue him. It’s too suffocating. They need to let him go _now._

_Look at you, Jisoo. Not only deviant, but a monster driven by anger. No one will ever love you._

_Look how badly you’ve hurt your little brother, one you swore to love and protect! Failure. Toxic. Loose cannon. Unworthy mess. Undeserving. Weak._

_Jeonghan will hate you when he finds out what you did to Jihoon. They all will._

_Defective. Broken. Repulsive. Tainted. Deviant. Queer._

_You’re going to Hell, Hong Jisoo._

“Shut up! Just shut up! Make it stop!” Joshua screams, finally breaking down into the shell of a man he’s become. His legs lose all strength, and he’s sinking to the floor, only supported by the pair of arms around him. He grabs at his hair and pulls desperately, hot tears running down his face. His head pounds so badly he can barely feel himself think. It feels as though someone were taking a hammer to his head, bent on breaking through his skull. His body is shaking, and breathing is becoming harder and harder. Instead of red, now all he sees are morphed colors and pictures blurred together. Indiscernible faces, hands on his body, and thoughts running a million miles per minute. 

Someone else is yelling now, but not at him. Jeonghan? More yelling. Seungcheol? Or is that Soonyoung? When did all these people get here? Who the hell is rubbing his back? Mingyu? Whose hand is still gripping his arm? Is that blood he tastes on his lip? Is that Wonwoo’s body wash he smells? Someone is talking to him softly, prying his hands from his hair. Is that Chan?

Joshua’s five senses are far too overwhelmed. So his brain takes matters into its own hands, making a protective, one-sided decision for him. 

He simply shuts down.


	13. oh it must be nice to love someone who lets you break them twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the aftermath of Jihoon and Joshua's fight leaves Chan feeling more than helpless, and a plan is now officially (and secretly) underway to fix things within the group once and for all.
> 
> title from "Break My Heart Again" - FINNEAS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i'm late you guys...had a rough time writing this chapter. it's a little longer and feels more like a filler, but hopefully a couple easter eggs i've dropped in here make it worth it.
> 
> you'll notice i officially added (soonchan) to the title of this fic. won't give anything i have planned away but please keep that in mind as the story progresses!!

The scene unfolding before him is one that Chan could only have conjured up in his dreams. But it’s here, it’s happening, and his stomach churns with the sudden need to throw up. Mingyu and Seungcheol are practically wrestling with Joshua, the leader futilely trying to get through to Joshua and calm him down. Wonwoo is kneeling next to Jihoon, holding him tightly and combing his fingers through his hair comfortingly. His worried, pleading eyes meet his. Chan can sense his discomfort; Wonwoo has never been one with a way with words. 

Next to him, Chan realizes that Soonyoung’s eyes are locked firmly on the trainwreck that is Joshua, shock written all over his face. Chan nudges him softly. “Hyung, I think Jihoon-hyung needs you,” he whispers. Wonwoo shoots the younger a grateful look as Soonyoung swallows thickly and nods, carefully sitting on the floor next to Jihoon and pulling him away from Wonwoo’s arms, into his own. Jihoon seems to instantly sense the change in aura, clinging onto Soonyoung tightly and sobbing into his chest. 

“Shut up! Just shut up! Make it stop!” Joshua shrieks, thrashing and gripping at his own hair tightly. Chan startles and almost malfunctions, unable to bear the sight of his hyung falling apart like this. _How badly must you have been suffering to become this, hyung? Why weren’t we able to help you?_

Chan hesitantly makes his way over and sits in front of Joshua, prying his hyung’s hands out of his hair. “Hyung, please don’t do that. You’re hurting yourself. It’s going to be okay,” he says softly, though he knows he has no right to say such a thing. He isn’t in Joshua’s position; he could never understand the pain and conflict going on inside his head. The elder doesn’t seem to register his words, only sobbing harder and on the verge of hyperventilating.

“Let go, let go,” Wonwoo says to Mingyu and Seungcheol, appearing beside him. “He needs air!” Chan watches Wonwoo squat beside Joshua and rub his back softly, meeting Chan’s gaze. He can tell Wonwoo is just as lost as he is, doubt and uncertainty reflected in his eyes. Chan knows he understands the sadness in Chan’s heart. Through their unspoken conversation, he knows Wonwoo feels it too.

Seungcheol hesitantly lets go of Joshua, but Mingyu still keeps a tentative hand around his arm in case of a sudden attack. He also squats next to Joshua, looking like a kicked puppy as he watches his hyung with a heartbroken expression. Joshua is wheezing, heaving for air that just isn’t filling his lungs the way it’s supposed to. Chan knows the feeling well, and yet he finds himself at a complete loss for what to do. He’s never been on this end before, save for Jeonghan’s meltdown in the practice room. Seungcheol is making his way over to Jihoon, who’s only just begun to calm down in Soonyoung’s arms. Chan hates the pang of hurt that hits him at the sight of Jihoon curled in Soonyoung’s embrace; this _really_ isn’t the time to be feeling sorry for himself. 

“I’m here, what happened?” a frantic voice suddenly speaks up, and Chan’s blood runs cold. 

_No, no, no, no. Not Jeonghan. How did he find out? This can’t possibly get any worse!_

Chan’s eyes widen as he looks to Wonwoo or Mingyu for answers. Wonwoo sighs, eyes apologetic. “I thought he could help him,” he says softly. The younger closes his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. He understands Wonwoo’s logic, but somehow this seems like a terrible, terrible idea. A disaster waiting to happen, actually.

Because now Jeonghan is here, standing at the door and staring at a crumbling Joshua as though he’d just watched someone die. His wide, panicked eyes flick between Joshua and Jihoon, whose eyes widen at the sight of Jeonghan entering. Jeonghan seems to freeze in that moment, before his face is turning bright red and his fists are clenching at his sides.

Seungcheol catches on instantly, yelling and moving to hold back the singer before he could launch himself at Jihoon. “Jeonghan, no!”

“What did you do to him? What the fuck did you do to him, Lee Jihoon? Haven’t you done enough to him already?” Jeonghan shouts, rounding on Jihoon with tears in his eyes. “Tell me what the fuck you did!”

“I didn’t- I swear I didn’t mean- I just wanted to fix things!” Jihoon chokes out, another wave of cries too painful for Chan to hear ripping through his chest. Chan struggles to drown it out and focus on Joshua’s heaving form, continuing to run his fingers through his disheveled hair and hold his hand. Joshua’s grip on him has become painfully tight, but the maknae doesn’t pull away. If it’s what Joshua needs to ground himself, he doesn’t care how he feels.

“Hyung, I think it’s okay. You can let him go now,” Chan whispers to Mingyu, who nods and lets go. Joshua doesn’t move, simply locked down in his own head and gripping Chan’s hand like a lifeline. Wonwoo continues to rub his back, eyes now focused on the scene behind Chan.

“Stop yelling at him! He didn’t do anything wrong!” Soonyoung shouts at Jeonghan, who is now fighting Seungcheol’s iron grip. He hides Jihoon’s face in his chest, wrapping his arms around him protectively. Jeonghan seethes at the sight.

“Why are you still defending him, Soonyoung? He literally fractured your ankle! He is _not_ a victim here! Are you _that_ stupid?”

“He didn’t mean to then, like he didn’t mean to now!” Soonyoung defends, leveling Jeonghan’s furious glare with an equally terrifying angry gaze. “You need to back down!”

Jeonghan is about to fire back when Seungcheol whirls him around to block his view of the two. “Jeonghan, listen to me. Joshua _needs_ you. Don’t do this right now, _please_ ,” Seungcheol hisses at his best friend, a million conflicting emotions in his eyes as he meets Jeonghan’s fiery gaze.

The vocalist seems to instantly deflate at Seungcheol’s words, finally understanding why he was even called down here in the first place. He takes a deep breath, willing himself to calm down and nods. From what Chan can see, Seungcheol seems to hesitate before letting Jeonghan go. The vocalist shoots Jihoon and Soonyoung one last glare before focusing his attention on Joshua. A moment later, Jeonghan is kneeling next to Chan, hand on the younger’s shoulder. Chan looks up, unable to disguise the hurt he feels from seeing Joshua in this state. He’s completely broken down at this point, staring at nothing in particular and mumbling some words incoherently in what sounds to him like English. His grip on Chan’s hand never relents, only loosening when Jeonghan shifts closer and pulls Joshua into his embrace. 

The sight is too hard for Chan to watch. Tears instantly stream from Jeonghan’s eyes once Joshua is in his arms, head cradled in his hands. All of Joshua’s strength seems to have left his body, as the man simply slumps against Jeonghan. His eyes are still glassy and unfocused, the mumbling never stopping. Jeonghan buries his face into Joshua’s hair and cries, holding him tightly. Wonwoo stands by quietly in case of trouble. It’s too intimate. Chan can’t watch anymore. 

The maknae gets up unsteadily, legs having begun to fall asleep from having sat in his position for a while. A reluctant Mingyu gets up with him, deciding to leave the hyungs alone, and disappears into his room. Chan shifts uncomfortably, unsure of what else to do with himself. Jihoon hasn’t moved from Soonyoung’s hold, the dancer whispering softly in his ear and continuing to stroke his hair. Seungcheol quietly asks him questions, which Jihoon answers curtly. Soonyoung’s eyes meet Chan’s, and for a split second, the youngest swears he sees regret mixed with guilt in them. But as quickly as it’s there, it’s gone again, and Soonyoung’s attention is on the small man in his arms.

Chan feels like a fish out of water. He doesn’t belong here. This is a _hyung_ problem.

So he decides to follow Mingyu’s lead, leaving the room quietly with a feeling of uselessness weighing heavily on his heart. No one calls him back. No one follows him out. He doesn’t expect them to. What could he, a twenty-one year old with no real life experience outside of the group, offer his hyungs? What help could he be? What words could he say?

It all suddenly feels too much for his shoulders to carry - the feeling of wanting to help so badly yet not feeling adequate to. The desire to be there for his hyungs yet knowing they don’t quite need him to be. But most of all, the fear of the group falling like dominoes, one by one, until Chan is the last one standing - and perhaps he might not even hold his ground in the end.

What are they coming to? How did things suddenly become so incredibly screwed up?

Chan reaches his dorm and pauses in the common area, eyes focused on the couch that he and Soonyoung had just been conversing on a little while ago. He’s once again hit with an indescribable sense of longing and emptiness at the thought of the unit leader. They’d agreed to continue on with their normal dynamic, pretending that Chan’s feelings aren’t there. At least it’s better than a wrecked friendship.

Isn’t it?

The maknae finds himself questioning that even now. Because, how could he continue to carry along, interacting with Soonyoung the way he did before, knowing that the elder is no longer ignorant to his feelings? Or even worse - the elder’s heart belongs to someone else?

Would he and Soonyoung end up like Jeonghan and Joshua - distant, cold, and lonely? 

Chan lets out a long sigh, rubbing his eyes tiredly (and if he wipes a stray tear away, no one needs to know). He feels heavy and exhausted, mind restless and heart aching. Before he can even quite process it, his feet are taking him to the one safe place he’s come to know during low moments like this.

The maknae is quiet, cautious to not disturb Seokmin in his sleep. He cracks the door open and slips into the room, a soft smile instantly playing at the corner of his lips at the sight of his hyung sleeping on the left side, leaving a space for Chan. He’s fast asleep, looking soft and serene under the dim yellow light of his bedside lamp. Chan pads his way over to the side and clicks it off before feeling his way in the dark to the other side of the bed. He climbs into it cautiously, wincing at the small creak once he lets his weight fall on it. He crawls under the covers, reveling in the elder’s soft plush blanket he’s grown accustomed to sleeping with. 

An arm loops over his waist, pulling him closer. Chan’s eyes widen in the dark, a pang of guilt hitting him for having woken up Seokmin. The elder doesn’t open his eyes, but a small smile spreads across his face. “Hey Channie,” he mumbles sleepily, and still just as endearingly.

Chan finds himself cracking a smile, despite the way his heart throbs and aches at the thought of tonight’s events. A part of him is left in awe as to how even at his lowest points, the elder can simply pull out an easy smile from him without so much as trying. It’s always Lee Seokmin.

“Hey hyung,” Chan whispers back, and only in the warmth and safety of his hyung’s bed is Chan able to find peaceful sleep tonight.

~*~*~

Chan has no idea what kind of made-up lies and excuses Seungcheol has conjured up to explain Jihoon’s bruised, swollen cheek and the scratches on Joshua’s face the following day, but it earns them a day off from group rehearsals. Hyerim announces that they can split off and practice however each member best sees fit. Jihoon takes this as an opportunity to hole up in his studio all day, only interacting with the members that come by to practice vocals with him. Joshua and Junhui go over dance moves in one of the smaller practice rooms, while Wonwoo and Seungcheol disappear to practice raps. Soonyoung and Jeonghan head back to the dorms to rest - Soonyoung would rather not risk compromising the healing of his ankle unnecessarily, and Jeonghan’s stress and lack of eating seems to be catching up with him.

And again, no one seems to dare address the events of the night before. It’s as though the hyungs were all tip-toeing around each other rather than fixing the problem at hand. Like none of it happened - only business. Chan wants to scream.

Around the middle of the day, the planets all seem to perfectly align in what feels like a cosmic coincidence. He’d taken a break from solo stage planning to run through more group sequences in the main practice room and found Minghao and Mingyu running through some choreography. Chan can see the way the two appear to struggle. Mingyu is slightly uncoordinated, and Minghao’s movements lack their usual power and sharpness. 

Mingyu catches sight of Chan and waves at him, offering the younger a small smile. Minghao then pauses in his steps and also faces Chan, eyes disheartened and heavy. Chan sighs, trying to smile back, but his lips are weak. He’s sure it comes out as more of a grimace. As Chan makes his way over to the two, Seungkwan and Seokmin walk in, both in quiet, deep conversation. Turning around to watch them walking in, Chan now notices Hansol sitting in the corner of the room, eyes glued to his phone as he softly runs through rap lines.

It hits him then - he and Seokmin should tell them about their plan now! He lets out a small gasp and rushes over to Seokmin, excusing himself from Seungkwan and pulling him to the side.

“Hyung! They’re all here. Should we tell them now?” he asks, palms now sweating with nerves and eyes alight with hope.

Seokmin looks around, seemingly to take into account all of the younger members, and turns back to Chan with a quick nod. “It’s now or never, right?” Chan nods quickly, a sliver of anticipation building up as he wonders how the others will receive their idea. Thinking about it, Chan hasn’t really spoken to anyone about his feelings on the group’s current state besides Hansol and Seokmin. Curiosity lingers inside him; what must the others be feeling?

“Hey guys, can we all talk together for a second? There’s something Channie and I have been thinking about, and we thought we should run it by you guys to see how you feel,” Seokmin speaks up, turning to meet four pairs of curious eyes. Hansol’s eyebrow twitches with curiosity, while Seungkwan’s lips form a tiny “o” as he nods. Minghao seems confused but nods nonetheless, and Mingyu is quick to follow his lead.

Seokmin and Chan exchange a determined look before nodding. “Let’s form a little circle then.”

The six sit at the farthest end of the room from the door, in case one of the others were to suddenly walk in and potentially catch any part of their conversation. Seokmin and Chan sit side by side. Seungkwan sits cross-legged on Chan’s right, Hansol plopping down next to him. Mingyu settles to Seokmin’s left, with Minghao sitting between Mingyu and Hansol to complete their little circle.

“What’s going on? Are we in trouble?” Seungkwan jokes, a nervous laugh escaping his lips as he attempts to lighten the mood and ease the others’ tension.

Chan gestures for Seokmin to do the talking; he thinks he’d stumble on his words if he tried to explain, especially after seeing what he saw last night. His eyes meet Mingyu’s, and the elder can only meet his gaze with a look of dejection. He can only hope that Seokmin’s plan proposal manages to lift his members’ spirits at least some. They have to start somewhere, right?

Seokmin smiles and shakes his head. “No, none of that Kwannie. But it does have to do with the group - well, more so, the hyungs.” Chan watches Mingyu stiffen instantly, eyes dropping to the wooden floor. Minghao swallows and picks at his cuticles, while Hansol only listens attentively. Seungkwan nods a little to himself, seeming to be assessing the situation already.

Next to Chan, Seokmin sighs and continues. “I know it’s a difficult topic to talk about, but we have to do it, right? I mean, it’s the only way we as a group can deal with issues that come up and move on. It’s what we’ve always done. Chan and I were thinking that the reason things only seem to be getting worse between the hyungs is because no one is openly talking about it.”

Hansol nods. “I think you guys are right. We’ve had fights as a group before, but we’ve always fixed it after Cheol-hyung sits us all down and has us talk about it.”

“It’s never been this bad though. Jihoon-hyung really messed up this time,” Seungkwan adds, seeming regretful but always realistic. “I understand why it’s such a sensitive topic to bring up.”

“But you guys didn’t see the way they were last night. This can’t go on. They’re...falling apart,” Mingyu finally speaks up, voice lowering at the end. Chan takes in a sharp breath, watching as four pairs of confused eyes focus on him.

“What do you mean, ‘the way they were last night?’ Is that why we didn’t do group practices today?” Minghao asks, staring at Mingyu square in the face.

Mingyu swallows, eyes meeting Chan’s. Next to him, Chan senses Seokmin turn to him in confusion. “Channie, you didn’t mention anything to me.”

Chan sighs and scratches his head. “I didn’t think it was my place. But Mingyu-hyung is right. Things are really bad. Neither of us know the full backstory, but Shua-hyung and Jihoon-hyung got into a physical fight last night. There was broken stuff, and Shua-hyung just kept screaming. He broke down completely in front of all of us, and Jihoon-hyung was a mess. It sounded like he’d tried to fix things, but Shua-hyung didn’t accept it. I don’t know what happened afterward,” Chan explains, feeling his chest tighten with pain as he remembers Joshua’s state. Hansol groans and rubs his face tiredly, while Seungkwan’s eyes water instantly. Seokmin doesn’t reply right away, simply sitting in silence and processing Chan’s words.

“Do you know what happened after, Mingyu?” Minghao asks tentatively, careful not to betray any emotion outright. Still Chan isn’t ignorant to the way his teammate’s shoulders slump.

Mingyu shakes his head. “Not too much. Jihoon-hyung did come back to our room eventually, but I didn’t talk to him. I pretended to be asleep to give him some privacy, since he prefers that. It was just silent. This morning, I woke up and he wasn’t even in bed anymore. I think he’d holed up in his studio already. Wonwoo-hyung wouldn’t tell me anything more, said I shouldn’t worry. I didn’t see Cheol-hyung either until I got here. He just told me the same thing.”

Minghao scoffs. “Typical. Of course they won’t tell us anything. They think we’re babies that can’t handle the truth. What are they trying to protect us from? No matter what happens, we’re always going to be affected. We’re a group!”

The other members nod in agreement. “This is part of what Chan and I have been talking about,” Seokmin replies. “They won’t tell us anything because they feel that they have to handle it themselves as the older ones and keep us out of it. I know they mean well, but it’s really not helping.”

“Not to mention they’re not doing anything to actively address the problems at hand,” Seungkwan adds. “It’s like they’re acting as if one day it’ll just miraculously fix itself and go away.”

“Exactly! That was our thought! So hyung and I were thinking that maybe...we could take matters into our own hands. Figure out a way to force them to sit down and talk to each other. That way, they could work through things the way we always have,” Chan replies, now suddenly feeling self-conscious at the five pairs of eyes now trained on him.

“How are we supposed to do that? They won’t even look at each other, much less talk,” Mingyu asks, sighing in dejection.

Chan looks to Seokmin, who then launches into his explanation of their plan. “So this is where we were thinking maybe you, Seungkwan, could help us out.” The younger vocalist’s eyes widen in surprise. Hansol visibly perks up beside him, eyes flicking between Seungkwan and Seokmin.

“Me?” he repeats, pointing at himself in confusion.

Seokmin nods. “Do you guys remember the time we went to Kwannie’s family house in Jeju-do? How did you feel?” he asks the group.

Mingyu jumps in instantly. “It was like healing!” he replies. “We had so much fun together that time. I remember how much we laughed and played by the ocean.”

“It kind of felt like a retreat, no?” Minghao adds, reminiscing on that time. “We were just purely us. No cameras, no staff, no work. It was like a family gathering where we got to let go and really be ourselves. I remember I was the most relaxed I’d been in months during that trip.”

“We ate really well too,” Hansol interjects with a small smile. “Kwannie’s mother makes the best abalone.” 

Seungkwan lets out a loud laugh, leaning slightly into Hansol. “Of course you’d think of that!”

Chan smiles fondly at the way that the members seem to recall that group trip, each sharing more of their thoughts during that time with their little group. For a moment, they all seem excited and happy once more. Somewhere deep in his gut, Chan just knows that he and Seokmin are doing the right thing. _This will work, I can feel it._

“Anyway, why the question, hyung?” Seungkwan asks curiously, eyes still sparkling with nostalgia.

“We thought that maybe, if your parents would be up to having us, we could take another trip over there as a group. Relive that experience, sit by the ocean and talk. Get everyone to open up about what we’ve been feeling over these past few weeks. We thought it could be healing.”

The other members nod slowly at the thought, one by one becoming excited by the prospect. “But they wouldn’t open up just like that. They might even refuse, no? Or worse, couldn’t they get angry at us?” Mingyu asks.

“It could happen, but we should still try, no?” Hansol replies, chin propped on a fist as he thinks. “Maybe we could make it more comforting for them. Build a campfire, roast marshmallows?”

“Oh, maybe sing some comfort songs! Seokmin-hyung, you’ve been practicing on your guitar, no?” Seungkwan adds excitedly.

“And maybe when we finally get to talking, we should talk first. Since we want to make that conversation easier for them, we could encourage them by expressing our feelings first, right?” Minghao suggests. “Then they’d feel more comfortable with following our lead.”

Seokmin and Chan exchange a hopeful grin and nod. “Those are all really great ideas, guys!” Seokmin replies. Chan almost laughs out loud at the completely changed atmosphere from when their conversation had first begun. It seems as though Mingyu, Minghao, Hansol, and Seungkwan have finally managed to spot a light at the end of the tunnel, eyes sparkling and optimistic grins radiant compared to their earlier dejected expressions.

“I think this could really work,” Chan says out loud, a warm, bright feeling building inside. “So Seungkwan-hyung, do you think your parents would be up to having us over before the tour begins?”

Seungkwan nods enthusiastically. “They’re always asking me when we might be free to go visit and have dinner. I’ll just have to ask them what date and time works best for them. We could always stay over like we did last time, too. But I really don’t think it’ll be an issue.”

“That’s perfect! Let us know when you hear back!” Seokmin replies excitedly.

“Wait! There’s one thing still!” Mingyu suddenly interjects, eyes suddenly wide with worry. “How are we going to get them to approve of this? Or more so, the company? The tour is so close, and we’re still really only halfway there with preparations.”

Seungkwan waves his hand quickly. “It won’t be a problem, I know it. Cheol-hyung would never turn an invitation from my mother down, and deep down, he knows we need a break like this. We’d just need to convince the company that this would be good for us. I mean, we are pretty exhausted, I’d say. I know Hyosung-hyungnim and Hyerim-noona have seen it, even though they don’t actually know what’s going on.”

“So you think we have a chance of convincing them?” Mingyu asks. “And they’ll allow it?”

“I think it’ll be fine. In any case, we should always try, no?” The other members nod in agreement, and Mingyu seems to relax at the reassurance. Seungkwan nods definitively, pulling his phone out and instantly typing furiously into his phone. “Let me get to work then. I’ll update you guys later!” he chirps happily standing up from his spot. “Great idea guys!” he says as he walks away, phone in hand.

Mingyu nods excitedly. “You guys are geniuses. I can’t believe none of us thought of doing something like this. I hope they won’t be too angry.”

Minghao shrugs. “Doesn’t really matter to me if they get angry or not. We’re putting an end to this one way or another. I’m convinced.” Seokmin high-fives Minghao, nodding in agreement.

The practice room door cracks open just at that instant, Wonwoo poking his head in and frowning. “Mingyu! Hansol! We’ve been waiting for you! We have lines to run!” he calls.

Hansol sighs. “That’s our cue, I guess. But seriously, great job guys,” he says quietly before getting up along with Mingyu. Mingyu shoots the two an excited thumbs up before running after Hansol, disappearing from sight with Wonwoo for practice.

Minghao scoots closer to Chan and Seokmin, eyes dimming slightly with worry once again. “I’m really glad we’re doing this actually because Jun-hyung won’t even talk to me either these days. I tried to ask him how he felt about everything one day, and he just dodged the question with a joke and walked away. I think he’s having a hard time too. I don’t know why, though.”

“I mean, Jihoon-hyung did punch him the day everything happened,” Seokmin replies, but Chan senses Minghao’s worry is deeper than that. There has to be something more.

Minghao shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s that. I mean sure, that must have hurt him, but they talked that night. He wouldn’t tell me about what, but he didn’t seem resentful. Just...down. And again, he wouldn’t tell me anything when I asked. All he did was make jokes and deflect. I think there’s something else he’s not telling me.”

Seokmin frowns in thought. “Anything unusual about his behavior these days?”

The dancer thinks for a moment before narrowing his eyes slightly. “Maybe. I can’t be too sure though, because you guys know how he is with his phone. But I feel like...he’s been glued to it more than usual these days? Every time I look at him, he’s just typing and typing - not even playing games as much as he’s always _typing_. It’s obviously not SNS - we don’t get any notifications of him posting. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen him type this much in all the time I’ve known him.”

Chan’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. He doesn’t remember seeing what Minghao is describing, but then again, his attention has been rather distracted by another certain _someone_. A part of him feels guilty for not watching Junhui more closely; the elder has always been the kind to keep quiet when he’s struggling. Laughing and joking in excess is his natural coping mechanism. Shouldn’t he have seen something wrong?

The more he thinks about it, the more puzzled he becomes. What could Minghao’s observations actually mean? Does it mean anything? Should they worry?

He’s pulled out of his train of thought by the sound of the practice room door cracking open again, this time Junhui himself poking his head in. “Chan-ah!” he beckons.

Seokmin pulls Chan sideways for a quick hug, while Minghao offers Chan a smile and a small wave. Chan quickly jogs up to Junhui, who seems apprehensive.

“Everything okay, hyung?” he asks.

Junhui nods quickly. “Ah yes! Everything is alright. It’s just that Jihoon and Bumzu-hyung are calling me over to the studio for vocal practice, and I was wondering if you could help Shua-hyung practice while I’m gone.”

Chan stiffens at the request, eyes turning round as saucers. “Oh...I see,” he replies. “Sure, I can do that.”

“Are you sure? I understand if you’re uncomfortable-”

“No, really hyung. It’s okay. Don’t be burdened by that,” Chan replies with a resolute nod, despite his insides twisting with nerves at being left alone with Joshua. “Is he...is he okay?”

Junhui doesn’t answer right away, pressing his lips into a thin line. “Well he’s...focused. Working hard as usual, I guess. Other than that, he’s not very talkative. You know how he’s been.”

Chan nods softly, trying to hide his apprehension with a reassuring smile. “I get it. Anyway, don’t worry, hyung. I’ll take care of him. Work hard!” he cheers, fist bumping Junhui.

The elder grins, sweaty, dark auburn hair falling perfectly over his forehead. “You’re the best Channie, thank you!” he chirps before practically skipping away in a very Jun-esque manner. Chan can’t help but smile fondly as he watches his hyung, hoping upon hope that Minghao’s worries aren’t anything to be concerned about. Junhui is one of the group’s most solid anchors, keeping them together and grounded, using his strange humor and teasing personality to keep the mood light in the group.

“What are you hiding under there, Jun-hyung?” he asks himself as he turns around and makes his way to the smaller practice room Junhui had just been in with Joshua.

Chan hesitates outside the door before finally cracking it open, meeting Joshua’s empty gaze. The nail scratches Jihoon had left on Joshua’s face are worse than they’d seemed last night, running from his left eye all the way down to his neck. Chan can also see a cut at the corner of Joshua’s lip. He hadn’t noticed it last night.

“Hey,” Joshua croaks out, voice grating and hoarse. “Junhui send you?”

Chan waves and nods, letting the door close behind him. Joshua nods silently, standing from his position on the floor and cracking his fingers nervously. The younger walks in further and stops in front of Joshua, unsure of what to say next.

Joshua makes it easy, and still Chan feels wrong. “From verse two of 24H?” 

The younger breathes deeply and nods. A heavy choking feeling settles in his throat at the sight of his hyung in this state, and Chan finds himself praying that Junhui would come back soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's going on with junhui? hmm...
> 
> comments and kudos really motivate me and boost my confidence! pls let me know your thoughts, it makes my day <3  
> DON'T FORGET TO STREAM 24H!!!! A TRUE MASTERPIECE!


	14. over and over the only truth, everything comes back to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Joshua finally confides in someone, plans are set in motion, and a newly kindled fire is ignited between Chan and Soonyoung.
> 
> title from "This Town" - Niall Horan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some well-deserved soft soonchan content and comfort for our struggling bby shua! things are finally looking up guys! next chapter will be a major turning point so stay tuned!

Chan didn’t realize how much he’d missed in the time Joshua spent isolating himself from the others, and noticing these differences now, he finds himself absolutely _floored_. 

One: Joshua’s lost weight - a lot of it. His cheeks are hollow, and his arms more fragile-looking than ever. It’s not like he was quite thick to begin with; from as far as Chan can remember, Joshua has always been on the lean side. But today, he sees clearer than ever where his joints round out and where his jaw angles downward. 

Two: His movements are sharp, focused, precise. Chan always knew Joshua worked hard. The time he puts into learning and perfecting dances is perhaps just as extensive as the entirety of the performance team, and maybe then some. He can see that the _extra_ time he’s spent dancing to avoid the other members has paid off tremendously. Chan thinks that to an outsider, Joshua may just as well be part of the performance team, and maybe even Soonyoung’s second. Chan finds himself fighting the slightest twinge of insecurity as he observes just how incredibly cutting and precise the vocalist’s movements are. Had he not known the real reason why Joshua has been burning a concerning amount of calories in the practice room, he’d feel an immeasurable amount of pride toward his hyung (not that he doesn’t admire him already for his talent and agility, but perhaps a little more so now). 

Three: Joshua never meets his own eyes in the mirror. There’s a certain avoidance in the way he focuses on examining the details in the dance, of the way his body moves. Chan knows he isn’t naturally looking for flaws in his dance; on the contrary, the maknae senses almost immediately that Joshua is more than confident in his ability to execute the 24H choreography. Joshua is purposely avoiding meeting his own gaze; perhaps the reason is that he knows he won’t like what he sees.

That thought alone breaks Chan’s heart. And still, he gives in when Joshua asks for a repeat every time the song reaches the end. It’s incessant; Joshua has acquired a new stamina over these past weeks that not even Chan can quite match in pace. The maknae’s muscles begin to burn in a way they haven’t since his days as a trainee, and for a while, his movements grow sloppy and weak. He wants to reprimand himself for not executing the dance at his very best, but he reminds himself just as quickly that these aren’t normal circumstances. Joshua is trying to keep his mind occupied more than perfect the choreography. Chan remains understanding.

However, he would be lying to himself if he didn’t feel a massive sense of relief the moment Joshua finally makes a time-out gesture at him in the mirror after about ten repeats of 24H. The elder finally plops down on the floor in exhaustion, hunching in on himself and working to catch his breath, sweat dripping down his face incessantly. Chan drops next to him, completely out of breath, and for a while, the two sit in a comfortable silence. The dancer doesn’t need to know what Joshua is thinking to sense that the elder is grateful for it. 

Chan takes a long sip from a bottle of water and offers it to Joshua, who smiles softly and takes it for a swig. Sitting this close to him, after what feels like an eternity of painful distance - Chan can feel an internal change in him that surpasses his changes on the outside. His hyung now seems small, lost, and more conflicted than ever before. Chan can see now that Joshua’s movements are measured and calculated, almost as though they were unnatural. His small, timid smile never quite reaches his eyes. And still, there’s something else inside him that, despite being veiled by so much negativity, still shines in him. It’s like a dim little light that wants to gleam brighter but remains shadowed by the dark clouds that seem to perpetually hang over Joshua’s head.

He finds himself wondering if he’s the only person who’s managed to see this little light, but Chan decides he wants to help Joshua bring it out. So he swallows past the initial reluctance, takes a deep breath, and elbows Joshua playfully, a grin appearing on his face. “You know hyung, I think you might just be a better dancer than all of us, with all this practice! You might have to leave the vocal team and join us in the performance team! You could even replace me!”

And something quite magical happens right in front of Chan’s eyes. Joshua’s eyes widen for a moment, as though caught off guard by the maknae’s light banter, before a laugh is suddenly escaping his lips, lighting up his face almost blindingly. “And top you? I don’t think I’ll ever get to be that good, Channie,” he replies with a laugh, shaking his head in endearment.

“No really! You’re such a hard worker, hyung. I feel so lazy now! I’ll have to ask Soonie-hyung about having you reappointed. You’ll be teaching me my own choreography from now on!”

“Are you kidding me, Chan? You’re one of the hardest working members in the group! You could never count as lazy, and no one does your choreographies better than you do.” 

“Ahh, you flatter me too much,” Chan replies, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks with the praise. “Do you feel confident with the choreography?”

Joshua nods softly, eyes seeming to cloud over slightly. “Yeah...you could say that.” He falls silent again, and for a moment, Chan’s eyes widen in panic with the fear that Joshua is beginning to recoil and hide back within himself again. Before he can worry too much, however, Joshua is letting out a long sigh and turning to face him.

“Can I tell you something?” he asks softly, hesitation in his voice as though he were unsure of himself.

“Sure, anything,” the younger replies quickly, curiosity and hope glinting in his brown eyes.

Joshua pauses for a moment before continuing. “It’s not really that I felt uncomfortable with the choreography. I just didn’t know what else to do with myself. Being alone just...it’s bad for me right now. I’ve never...I can’t remember a single moment in my life in which I lost it the way I did last night. The more I think about it, the worse I feel.” 

Chan’s eyes sadden as his heart throbs at the memory of last night’s events. He takes Joshua’s hand and squeezes it, nodding and listening intently. He knows it’s not his place to comment.

The elder looks at their intertwined hands and squeezes back. “I feel horrible knowing that I hurt Jihoon. Maybe I shouldn’t, or maybe I should. I don’t really know what’s wrong and what’s right anymore. What do you think, Chan? Do you think I messed up?”

The question catches Chan off-guard, and his instinct is to question why Joshua would ask him such a question rather than any of the older, more experienced members. Instead, he bites his tongue and strings the right words together in his mind - not the ones he thinks Joshua wants or needs to hear, but what he feels sincerely. It’s the best he can give him, no?

“I think...I think that you are human, hyung. Just because you’ve taken on the role of protector and supporter to the rest of us doesn’t mean you’re some unfeeling robot incapable of reacting. Truthfully, I don’t know that there is a wrong or right in this situation. Not with feelings, at least. I know for a fact that Jihoon-hyung didn’t mean to hurt you, if that is any comfort to you.”

Joshua smiles softly, tentatively. “I had a feeling you might say that.”

“Wow, am I that predictable?” Chan jokes, giggling.

The elder chuckles softly, shrugging. “Hyung’s intuition, is all. Can I tell you something else?” Chan quickly nods, scooting a little closer. 

“I miss Hannie,” he whispers, eyes lowering to the wooden floor. “The way he held me last night, the things he said to me...it made me realize that I really do need him. I keep struggling with myself alone, and I’m scared. Channie, I’m just really, really scared. Jeonghan would always chase the fears away and give me strength, but without him I feel lost without direction. I keep having the same dream every night. It’s like this: I’m stuck in this deep hole in the ground impossible to climb out of, and when I look up, I see myself with a shovel. That other me just keeps shoveling, throwing dirt over me. I’m literally burying myself. Last night, the dirt was up to my hips, and I’m terrified of what will happen the day the dirt reaches my head.”

Joshua is fighting back tears, throat closing up with emotion. Chan moves on instinct, quick to pull Joshua into a warm hug and squeeze him tightly. Joshua doesn’t say anything, but the way his arms latch onto Chan and squeeze back say enough. Chan feels his heart break for his hyung and for the demons he wrestles with alone, and still he feels a sudden courage to speak.

“I know I’m not Hannie-hyung, and I also will probably never understand the kind of internal conflicts you’re facing right now, but this is what I feel. I think that it’s okay to need him. You two really are good for each other. I’ve seen the way you bring out the best in each other and how happy you are with him. That can’t possibly be a bad thing. I think that it’s natural to be as scared as you are, but you’re also not alone. We’re all here for you hyung, and we’ll always love and support you no matter what. Even Jihoon-hyung. Don’t think that you’re in that hole in your dreams alone. We’re all in there next to you and we’re going to help you climb out of it, no matter how many tries it takes. I’ll even wrestle that other you and make him stop! I also know it might seem like the world is crashing down on you, but everything will be okay, one way or another. It’s okay to get angry, to cry and retreat into yourself, but for every negative emotion you feel, always know that there’s a positive one to balance it. And while I’m definitely not an expert in the field, I know that if loving Hannie-hyung is who you are, then this is how God made you, no? Which means there isn’t anything wrong with you! I don’t think being who you are is neither a right or wrong answer nor some moral question that determines whether you’re a good or bad person. I think you’re just unapologetically _you_. And I think you’re awesome, hyung.”

An unexpected giggle escapes from Joshua’s lips at the end of Chan’s monologue before he nods softly. “Thank you, Channie,” he says softly before picking his head up and wiping what appear to be a few stray tears away. “You know what? I’m starting to think you’re right.”

Chan’s eyes instantly go round, sparkling with excitement. “Really? You think so? I felt like I wasn’t even making any sense! I feel like I was just spewing word vomit!”

Joshua lets out another bright laugh and nods. “I think you made perfect sense. When did you get all grown up and mature?” he asks, playfully smacking Chan’s knee. Chan feels his insides bubble with a newfound happiness at the sight of Joshua finally smiling again. It’s a beautiful sight to take in, he thinks to himself. _You look so full of life when you smile, hyung._

The younger makes a show of pouting and crossing his arms over his chest. “Hey! Just because I’m the maknae doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two about a thing or two!”

The elder snickers in response and nods. “I know, I know. You actually have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. I...I’m kind of in a pleasant shock, actually. Thank you again.”

“Please don’t thank me, hyung. I just want to support you. You’ve always been there for me - well, all of us - without question. I want to do the same for you without you hyung-zoning me.” Joshua nods and lets out a long sigh, throwing himself sideways and resting his head on Chan’s lap. The younger is quick to hook his arms around Joshua, folding his hands over the elder’s chest and rocking the two sideways. “Can I ask you something now?”

“Shoot.”

Chan hesitates before speaking up, the same question from earlier still circling in his head. “Why did you decide to finally open up to me after so long? I mean, there’s so many others you could’ve talked to, and I feel like I lack so much knowledge and experience. I’m just wondering if there’s a particular reason you chose me.”

Joshua hums, playing with Chan’s fingers while he thinks. “Honestly? For two reasons. First, you’re actually the only member that hasn’t spoken to me like a wounded animal about to attack or looked at me like my dog of twenty years just died. Second, I knew that if anyone would listen without judging me, it’d be you. The others...they don’t say it, but I know that in some ways they blame me for how bad things have gotten.”

“That’s not true, hyung! Don’t think like that-”

“No it is true, Channie. Since I broke up with Jeonghan, things spiraled even further. I know Han isn’t eating or sleeping; I can see it in his eyes. The atmosphere is constantly tense, like we’re all one minor inconvenience away from blowing to pieces. It’s like I’m the bad guy in this story for ending things, for running at the first sign of trouble.”

“But it isn’t like that. I mean, you’re struggling with something very real. It was only natural for you to make that choice. You did the best you could...what you thought was right, considering that we’re all not only friends and brothers, but also co-workers. I can see that clear as day,” Chan insists, leaning forward to meet Joshua’s gaze.

“Exactly. You might be the only one able to see that.”

“They know you’re struggling.”

“They also know Han is struggling because of me.”

Chan doesn’t reply right away, simply continuing to rock the two gently. Has he ever blamed him for hurting Jeonghan? He really doesn’t think so. Thinking about everything, he really does understand. Joshua did what he felt was right at the moment. Do the others really seem to blame him? Had he missed that?

Just how much did he miss, being caught up in his own conflicting thoughts over Soonyoung?

“You know hyung...I think a lot of things would be cleared up if we all just talked to each other.”

Joshua’s eyes widen instantly. “What? No! Not after the way I reacted last night! The last thing anyone would probably want to do right now is talk about anything with me.”

Chan groans internally. Of course he’d say that. His mind flashes back to Seungkwan walking off, on the phone with his mother. He wonders how that conversation went.

The younger only sighs, running his fingers through Joshua’s damp brown locks. He finds himself staring at the red scratches running down Joshua’s face and frowns, eyebrows knitting with concern. “Do they hurt?” he asks, a finger just barely tracing one of the scratches left behind by Jihoon’s fingernails. 

Joshua shakes his head. “It looks worse than it feels. I don’t think he actually meant to hurt me...at least not like I did. He was just trying to get me off of him.”

Chan nods in understanding, but his frown never quite leaves his face. He hates the sight of the scratches on his face; they remind him of how terribly broken his hyungs are. “Can I ask what happened after Mingyu-hyung and I left last night?”

“I don’t remember too much, honestly. I was kind of in a weird headspace. Everything felt fuzzy and distorted. I think Soonyoung got Jihoon to calm down and left the room with him. After some time, Jeonghan helped me into my bed. I felt really sleepy as soon as my head hit the pillow. He sat on the edge of my bed and stayed for a bit longer while I started to doze off. I could hear him and Seungcheol whispering for a while, but I couldn’t make out what they were talking about. Cheol eventually got Jeonghan to leave me alone, and once the light turned off, I think I fell asleep. Cheol woke me up in the morning to talk to me and take a look at my face before heading here. By the time I got up, he was the only one left on our dorm floor.”

Chan hums in acknowledgment, thoughts interrupted by the sound of the practice room door cracking open. On his lap, Joshua instantly tenses, turning to look for the source of the disturbance. Junhui pokes his head in with a grin, gasping softly at the sight of the two so close and comfortable. “Hey guys, I’m back. Am I interrupting something?”

Joshua sits up and shakes his head, the earlier animated glint in his eyes dimming to the same dullness as when Chan first entered the room. “You’re okay,” he replies softly.

Junhui’s eyes flicker between the two before walking in. “I can take over if you want-”

“It’s okay, Jun. I feel better now,” Joshua is quick to reply, standing up and picking his bag up off the floor. “I think I’ll go work out some. Thanks for the help, Chan.” The two share a knowing look, Joshua offering him the tiniest of smiles before turning back to Junhui. “Thanks Jun.”

“Uh...sure, anytime,” Junhui replies, cat-like eyes following Joshua out of the room before training themselves back on Chan with a strange expression. “You two were close.”

Chan shifts on his feet uncomfortably, unsure of what to say. “Oh, well hyung finally got tired, so we were just catching our breath and resting.”

Junhui’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline as he crosses his arms. “Really? That’s all? You didn’t talk at all?”

“What would we talk about?”

“I don’t know, you tell me.”

Chan shakes his head adamantly. “We weren’t, I swear! We were just catching our breath. Anyway, I’ve really gotta run for now. Solo stage stuff to plan, you know. See you later hyung!” 

“Hey! No, come back here! Lee Chan!” Junhui calls. Chan nearly runs out of the practice room and down the stairs to the busy street. _The things I do to cover for these hyungs_ , Chan thinks to himself with a sigh. His head is pounding after that conversation with Joshua, and yet his heart swells just the slightest bit with hope. Joshua opened up to him - _him!_ That’s gotta count for something right?

Maybe there really is hope for the group still.

Almost as if scripted, Chan’s phone buzzes in his pocket.  
_  
**entertainment god boo added you to a group chat!  
entertainment god boo added chwenotchew, little 8, cutie kyeom, and ceo kim mingyu  
entertainment god boo renamed the group chat “dongsaeng shenanigans”**_

_**entertainment god boo:** everyone, this is our new official (and secret) gc !! *cheers*  
**little 8:** if any of u spam with memes im blocking u  
**ceo kim mingyu:** Myungho :(  
**entertainment god boo:** but you can’t block us from your life though  
**entertainment god boo:** anyway, update! mom said yes  
**entertainment god boo:** now who wants to tell management :D  
**little 8:** why don’t u do it, entertainment god boo?  
**ceo kim mingyu:** Is virtual rock paper scissors a thing? Hehe  
**entertainment god boo:** uhh mingyu-hyung i don’t think that’s a thing  
**cutie kyeom:** don’t you guys think we should tell cheol-hyung before management?  
**entertainment god boo:** great so who’s telling cheol-hyung? :D  
**dinosaurus:** shouldn’t it be you, hyung? your parents are the ones extending the invite  
**little 8:** ^^  
**entertainment god boo:** but i already did the planning !! that was hard work, people !!  
**dinosaurus:** i mean i can come with you if you want but…  
**entertainment god boo:** ,,,,,,,,  
**entertainment god boo:** no fair no one told me i’d be doing all the work here :(((  
**cutie kyeom:** don’t worry boo after this the rest of us will take care of everything  
**cutie kyeom:** thank you for doing this really ^.^ i have a good feeling!  
**ceo kim mingyu:** Me too! I’m excited!  
**entertainment god boo:** everyone, fighting!!  
**little 8:** fingers crossed!  
**dinosaurus:** i believe in us! everyone fighting! we’ll work this out!  
**chwenotchew:** hey if anyone wants food come to the 8th floor  
**entertainment god boo:** nonie im-_

Chan suppresses the urge to cackle on the street and pockets his phone, once again feeling the warm blossom of hope in his chest and filling his heart. He makes his way through the streets back to the dorms, wondering if that’s where Joshua may have disappeared off to. Unable to help it, his mind drifts back to last night, but this time, it’s Soonyoung circling in his head.

The more he thinks about it, the clearer it is to him that his bond with Jihoon is something quite possibly unbreakable. Jihoon clung to Soonyoung like a lifeline or a guardian even though he has never been fond of skinship. Chan ponders more as he walks, still unable to understand why Jihoon wouldn’t want to test the waters with Soonyoung if his feelings for the dancer really run as deep as they seem to. None of it makes sense, even now. 

Chan finds that what initially felt like an unbearable gaping hole in his heart at the thought of the two has now dimmed to a dull throb. He knows it isn’t because his feelings for Soonyoung have changed; hell, he doesn’t think they ever will. But perhaps this is what Seungcheol tried to explain to him long ago: that sense of acceptance, of being okay with Soonyoung’s happiness, even if it isn’t him. Has he gotten to that point of acceptance? Or is he still in the denial phase?

His thoughts take him to the doorstep of the dorm building, and as he climbs up to the 8th floor, he still can’t decide where exactly his feelings fall. _Are feelings supposed to be this confusing? Why can’t they be clear as day, black and white? Why does every answer lead to more questions?_

Unlocking the front door, Chan kicks off his shoes by the entrance and pads his way into the unit, sock-clad feet sliding on the wooden floor easily. Hansol offers Chan a wave and a wink as he slurps on hot noodles. Chan grins and waves back, making his way down the hallway toward his shared room.

The door to Minghao and Soonyoung’s room is wide open, he finds. He pauses in front of it, catching sight of Soonyoung on his tablet, tiger plushie tucked under his arm. Sensing his presence, Soonyoung looks up and meets Chan’s gaze. The younger feels his cheeks heating up as he waves at Soonyoung shyly.

To his surprise, the unit leader grins, cheeks round and full as he beckons Chan inside. “Hey there, Channie,” he says, shifting in his spot on the bed and patting the spot next to him. Chan hesitates for a moment before sitting down in the spot reserved for him, watching Soonyoung curiously as his fingers swipe across the tablet, eyes sparkling for the first time in what feels like forever. Chan can’t help but slightly gape at him with an embarrassing approximation to heart eyes; Soonyoung never fails to take his breath away, even barefaced as he is now.

“What are you up to?” he asks, sparing a brief glance of the tablet screen but unable to quite catch what the elder is looking at. 

“I just got off the phone with my physical therapist, actually. She says that based on my last X-ray, my ankle is healing a lot better now that I’m resting! She thinks I might actually be able to perform during the tour if it keeps healing this well,” Soonyoung explains, turning the screen toward Chan and showing him the latest results. 

An excited grin spreads across Chan’s face as he notices that yes, indeed the fracture looks a lot better than a week ago. “Hyung, that’s amazing news! So you think you’ll get to dance?”

“If all goes well it seems like I will! But this stays between you and me for now, okay? I don’t want to get everyone all excited just yet in case something happens or I don’t heal as quickly as expected,” Soonyoung replies, holding out a pinky. “Promise?”

Chan nods quickly, catching Soonyoung’s pinky with his own. “Promise!” The brief moment of contact sends a figurative jolt of electricity from Chan’s finger throughout his entire body, and he can’t help the way his heartbeat instantly increases in speed. For a moment, Chan worries that Soonyoung can even hear it from beside him. 

He doesn’t realize he’s still holding Soonyoung’s pinky until the elder’s easy grin slowly dims into a small smile as he pulls his hand away, now picking at his cuticles. Chan internally kicks himself in the face, hating the way his feelings make things so awkward so quickly. “I didn’t mean to, sorry hyung,” he apologizes reflexively, retracting into himself.

Soonyoung’s eyes widen as he shakes his head. “No! Don’t be sorry, it’s fine really,” he reassures him. “Why don’t you tell me how practice went? It’s pretty boring around here with everyone gone. Please entertain me,” he begs, pouting cutely.

Chan relaxes at the realization that Soonyoung is trying to lighten the mood and put him at ease. “Alright, I guess. A lot of the members went their separate ways. I spent half of the day brainstorming for my solo stage and still feel like I don’t have anything in particular in mind,” he explains with a sigh. “I don’t get it. I’m usually bursting with ideas, but it feels like I’m all out.”

“I think that makes sense. You are working double time now leading group rehearsals and such. Wanna tell me what you have come up with?” Soonyoung asks, turning toward him in interest.

“I want something fast-paced, of course, but unique. I want to try a genre we haven’t done as a group before to make the stage really special. I also really want to make it a fun stage, one that CARATs will really enjoy and remember. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t really be that fun if I were alone...so perhaps a duo instead of a solo stage? What do you think?”

Soonyoung thinks for a moment. “The direction is a good one for sure, but it sounds like what you really need is to make a decision since you’re running out of time. If you go a fun, duo route, you’ll have to pick someone who will learn fast, whose dance skills and style match yours to some degree, and feels quite comfortable on stage to play around with you.”

Chan frowns. He thinks that Soonyoung’s criteria rule out most of the group. While the other members are quite obviously amazing dancers (or they wouldn’t have debuted), only a few can pick up on choreographies quickly. Of those, only a couple match Chan well in confidence, style, and charisma. There’s Seungkwan...there’s Seokmin...and there’s -

“Hyung! What if you do it with me?” Chan almost yells, struggling to contain the excitement behind his thought. Soonyoung’s upturned eyes widen in shock before his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline.

“What? Me?”

“Why not? You said your ankle is getting better, right? If you take really good care of it, it should heal by tour time! I could work on the choreo with one of the dancers in the meantime, and we could practice whatever song we choose to perform together. I mean, you honestly understand my style of dancing better than anyone! Plus, you can pick up choreography just by watching, and you’re so confident and happy on stage. And I really, really do admire you so much, hyung. Performing with you always feels like a dream coming true. I really, really think we can come up with something exciting and fun in what short time I have left if we put our heads together, no?” 

Soonyoung pauses in thought, humming to himself. Chan’s thigh shakes with impatience as the unit leader deliberates, cogs in his head turning as he runs through the possibilities. He hums, tapping his index finger against his chin before the corners of his lips begin to turn up, eyes now lit with the same excitement reflected in Chan’s young, hopeful ones.

“I think that could work, Channie,” Soonyoung finally replies, round cheeks filling as he grins. “I’d love to, actually.”

Chan can’t hold back the happy squeal that escapes his lips as he kicks happily, tilting and falling back onto the mattress as he pumps his fists excitedly. “Yes! Yes! This is going to be epic, yes! Thank you, hyung!” Before he knows it, he’s throwing his arms around his hyung, caution over not making things awkward between them thrown to the wind.

Soonyoung giggles, a soft, sweet sound that fills Chan’s tummy with butterflies. He squeezes him back and doesn’t pull away this time, letting Chan settle against his side as his fingers begin moving across the screen of his tablet again, already thinking of potential songs to perform.

For Chan, time seems to stop existing as he spends the rest of the evening and well into the night brainstorming and talking with Soonyoung about the performance. It’s as if having his leader planning things with him instantly sparked some hidden creativity, and when the two put their thoughts together, Chan thinks that what they come up with is pure magic. Everything feels out of this world with Soonyoung. He feels it in his gut that performing with him is the right choice - the best choice. Their ideas, followed by careful, detailed planning fall together almost too perfectly. 

Chan revels in the way Soonyoung’s entire expression comes back to life as they both grow more and more excited over their performance. The glow in his face and the creative sparkle in his pretty, upturned eyes is easily the most beautiful sight Chan has ever seen, and he hadn’t realized how badly he’d missed seeing the elder look so outright _happy_ until now. Soonyoung is in his element, and sharing that element with Chan only serves to add fuel to the bright, passionate fire rekindling inside him. Despite perhaps being gullible for thinking so, Chan feels like Soonyoung’s energy and creativity feed off of having him by his side. 

_Why can’t you see how unstoppable we’d be together, Soonyoung? What will it take for you to see how perfectly we fit together? When will you see that you need me just like I need you?_

The two don’t realize how much time has passed until Minghao saunters into the room, halting briefly in his tracks at the sight of Chan and Soonyoung cracking up over a joke Soonyoung makes. “Having fun, you guys?” Minghao asks, a smile beginning to creep onto his face.

Soonyoung struggles to control his laughter and nods. “The best! Wait, what time is it?” he suddenly asks, clicking on his tablet screen and gasping softly. “Half past midnight? When did that happen?” Chan’s eyes widen in surprise. Had he spent that long with Soonyoung? 

Minghao raises his eyebrows amusedly and nods. “Yeah, most of us just got back. You can crash here if you want, Channie. I don’t mind spending the night in your room.”

Chan looks back at Soonyoung, a shy glimmer of hope in his eyes. Deep down, he worries that Soonyoung will see it as a young boy simply wanting to spend time with his crush, possibly looking for extra skinship or the tiniest sign of mutual feelings. But it’s more than that; Chan hasn’t felt this _whole_ , this excited about his work for an extremely long time - perhaps for months. There’s a certain energy, a positive feedback being given and exchanged by the two tonight that Chan finds infectious. He really, really doesn’t want tonight to end.

And in this moment, with Soonyoung’s sharp, upturned eyes trained on him and an undeniable feeling of closeness between the two, it seems that the elder doesn’t want tonight to end either.

“Yeah...you can stay with me, Channie,” Soonyoung says softly, a fond smile on his face.

Chan isn’t sure whether he’s imagined it or not, but a tiny rosy blush appears to dust the unit leader’s cheeks as he speaks. The maknae grins back, settling into his side again. This is perfect. This is right. 

This is where he knows he belongs...and perhaps Soonyoung feels it too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please feel free to comment, drop some suggestions, ask questions, or make theories!! it really helps me as a writer to see how you guys are perceiving the storyline, what you're thinking, what you might want/need more of, or where i can improve!! it also really motivates me and makes my day so write all the walls of comments you want, really!!


	15. [jihoon] i'll only hurt you if you let me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jihoon faces himself.
> 
> \- title from "when the party's over" - Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really late on this, sorry guys! i had some tendonitis for 2 weeks so typing was out of the question for me. i started working on the next update and then realized i wanted to include this jihoon interlude before getting to a massive turning point. this will be angsty af. next update will be SUPER long due to the chapter content. thanks for always being patient with me! 
> 
> slight tw? reference to toxic relationships

Memories flash through his eyes when Jihoon finally dares to meet the gaze of his own reflection. Each one runs through his mind like a movie recap—fleeting and fast, and still painfully slow. 

Hurt. Anger. Shock. Fear. Disgust. It seems that that is all Jihoon is able to elicit from other people - even from the other members. Even from Soonyoung.

He runs a finger lightly over his bruised, swollen eye, flinching at the pain. _You deserve it_ , is all he can think to himself. _You deserve this and so much worse._

There are many things that Lee Jihoon, if he has it his way, will never admit - like just how much he actually hates himself for having hurt Jeonghan and Joshua the way he did. Like how angry and disgusted at himself he feels as he recalls the feeling of his balled up fist colliding with Junhui’s cheekbone. Like how desperately every cell in his body burns to have Soonyoung close, to hold him close and tell him everything he wants to hear. Like how despite this, Jihoon truly, with all his heart, hopes and prays that Soonyoung will move on and stop caring about him, that he’ll find himself returning little Chan’s feelings one day and be happy with him.

Jihoon doesn’t deserve Soonyoung’s affection anyway. He never has, and he never will.

For all his romantic love songs and crafty ways with words, Lee Jihoon has never believed himself worthy of that abstract human emotion. 

Looking at himself in the mirror now, he understands why. He’s detached, selfish, hurtful, and explosive. He can’t stand the feeling of other people touching him for longer than a fleeting second or two, and the idea of physical affection threatens to suffocate him. The only person whose physical contact he ever finds himself craving is Soonyoung’s - and even after a little while, he needs his space. 

Jihoon has completely lost count of the amount of times over the years that he’s watched Soonyoung’s eyes fill with hurt because of him. If Jihoon doesn’t hurt him by pushing his touches away, he’s hurting him by rejecting him. Every time, a tiny part of Jihoon has always hoped that Soonyoung would call it the last straw, would finally give up and leave him behind to wither away alone in his studio, eyes fixed on a screen and mind focused on a new musical arrangement.

His prayers have never been answered; as though he were the most pitiful form of masochist, Soonyoung always comes back, always insists, always hopes. 

And with every time that Soonyoung comes back, Jihoon finds himself spiraling further and further into an inescapable pit of self-loathing.

Perhaps love isn’t the bed of green grass and beautiful red roses that it’s played up to be by music and literature. Perhaps love is messy, ugly, painful, and empty - at least that’s how it feels to Jihoon.

Jihoon’s throat tightens as he takes in the emptiness in his own eyes. He feels like an empty shell of himself. Everywhere he goes, he can’t help but sense just how much the other members must hate him. Every step he takes, he can feel the heavy weight of their glares and senses the burn of their anger toward him. His skin itches and burns with the sensation of being constantly blamed. Maybe it’s all in his head; maybe the guilt is driving him toward an edge he can’t come back from.

Before he can stop them, the tears are falling. Jihoon steps away from the mirror and leans against the sink, chest feeling as though it were about to break in half. He always knew he would be no good for Soonyoung. Not when this is the person that he is. 

Soonyoung.

Jihoon’s eyes drift shut as the dancer fills his mind. He sees Soonyoung’s bright, lively eyes curve upward and disappear when he laughs loudly. He sees the apples of Soonyoung’s cheeks become round and full like a hamster when he grins. He sees Soonyoung’s soft, pink lips jut out into a tiny pout whenever someone makes fun of his tiger agenda, insisting that he is, in fact, a _human_. He sees his thin, light frame glide around the dance floor effortlessly, making beautiful shapes and patterns with his arms and legs, sees his auburn locks fall gently over his forehead to give him a youthful appearance, sees his sharp jawline and soft, round nose...hears his loud, happy laugh echo in his ears…

_“It’s okay, Ji...you’re safe with me. I’ve got you. You’re okay. I love you.”_

He hears Soonyoung’s soft, velvety voice repeat those words over and over like a mantra in his head. He can see the dancer sitting on his bed, surrounded by his tiger plushies and extending a hand out to him. _“Stay with me, Ji.”_

Soft, heartbroken tears gently running down Soonyoung’s soft, round cheeks on the dorm rooftop, tiger plushie clutched in his hands like an anchor as Jihoon rejects him one more time. Crying doesn’t look good on Soonyoung. Soonyoung shouldn’t look this small and hurt.

_"I understand."_

Jihoon makes him cry, so Jihoon is wrong for Soonyoung.

 _But Chan is good for you, Soonie_ , Jihoon thinks to himself as he opens his eyes once again, pulling himself out of his thoughts of Soonyoung. _He’s everything you deserve. He’s not me._

And this is why he’d planted the idea of Chan’s feelings in Soonyoung’s head. Jihoon knows that once Soonyoung gets something stuck in his head, he turns it over and over and over until giving in completely. Hinting to Soonyoung about Chan’s feelings would be the best way to push him in that direction...and away from him.

He knows Chan doesn’t understand that. He knows Chan feels betrayed and angry at Jihoon for having essentially outed him to his unit leader. _He’ll thank me later_ , Jihoon tells himself to ease his guilt. _He really will thank me later_. He wipes his tears away and steps out of the bathroom, peeking out to make sure no one is in the hallway to see him like this.

Jihoon rushes from the bathroom into his shared room with Mingyu, who is sitting cross-legged on his bed flipping through photos he’s taken on his professional camera. He knows Mingyu looks up and watches him as he practically dives under the covers of his own bed, hiding underneath and willing himself to fall asleep.

Mingyu doesn’t say a word. He never does.

~*~*~

_A gentle kiss to his neck, then his jaw, then his nose. Finally, a gentle kiss to the lips. Jihoon hums contentedly and shifts closer to the warm, naked body beside him. A small giggle escapes his lips as soft lips travel across his collarbones, ghost over his shoulders, and down his side. They stop at his hip bone, and when Jihoon finally cracks open sleepy eyes, Soonyoung’s bright, mischievous ones meet his own. The golden glow of the rising sun filters its way through the blinds covering the windows and illuminates Soonyoung's bare skin and fiery auburn hair. The sight of him is breathtaking, and Jihoon decides that dawn looks best on Kwon Soonyoung._

_“Morning, sleepyhead,” Soonyoung says softly, crawling up in a feline-like manner and laying on top of Jihoon. Jihoon’s arms instantly wrap around Soonyoung’s bare waist, cuddling the dancer. Soonyoung rubs his face on Jihoon’s chest like a cat, pressing another kiss to his collarbone._

_“Morning, Soonie,” Jihoon replies in his croaky morning voice, fingers ghosting over Soonyoung’s spine and drawing little pictures along its length._

_Soonyoung shivers in response to his touch, goosebumps appearing on his body. “That feels really good,” he mumbles softly, tucking his face into the crook of Jihoon’s neck. Jihoon smiles softly, kissing the dancer’s temple and continuing to lightly run his fingers over Soonyoung’s soft, warm skin. He welcomes the dancer’s warmth, the stunning beauty of his bare form, the feeling of Soonyoung’s body against his own. This feels perfect in every sense of the word. Right._

_“Ji?”_

_“What’s up, Soonie?”_

_“Do you love me?”_

_Jihoon frowns as Soonyoung picks his head up, soft, upturned eyes clouding with worry. “Of course I do...why would you ask me that, baby?” Jihoon replies, cupping Soonyoung’s face and running the pad of his thumb across his cheek._

_Soonyoung looks down, falling silent. Jihoon picks his chin up, forcing the dancer to meet his gaze. “Hey...what’s wrong?”_

_The dancer swallows, bottom lip quivering ever so slightly. Concern tugs at Jihoon’s chest as he sits up, pulling Soonyoung onto his lap and continuing to ghost his fingertips over the dancer’s frame. Soonyoung closes his eyes and lets out a soft hum before parting his lips to reply._

_“Are you sure you love me?” he asks again, eyes glazing over with unshed tears._

_An unsettling feeling fills Jihoon as he swallows past a nervous knot in his throat. “Of course I’m sure. I love you so much, Soonie. But...why are you asking me this?”_

_A tear slips down Soonyoung’s cheek. “Then why do you hurt me?”_

_Jihoon feels as though a bucket of ice cold water has just been dumped over his head. He struggles to find the words to say, but now Soonyoung is crying, body trembling in his hold._

_“S-Soonie? No please, I’m so sorry -”_

_“If you loved me, you wouldn’t hurt me, Ji,” he repeats, hand coming up to cover the spot where his heart beats in his chest. Guilt weighs heavily on Jihoon’s shoulders as he pulls Soonyoung’s hand away from his chest -_

_And underneath his hand now lies a giant, purple bruise over his heart._

_“N-No...I didn’t mean to-” Jihoon stutters, yet when he blinks, it’s no longer Soonyoung’s body in his hold, but Joshua’s._

_“You’re a monster, Lee Jihoon. You deserve to be alone,” Joshua spits through gritted teeth, eyes blazing red with anger as he raises his fist at Jihoon’s face._

_“No! I’m so sorry! Please!” Jihoon begs, moving to push Joshua off his body and cower away._

_But suddenly he’s restrained, arms tightening around his body and holding him firmly in place. “You coward, face yourself! Face what you’ve done! The people you’ve hurt!” Jeonghan yells in his ear. Jihoon’s heart accelerates to a dangerous pace, breathing shallow and labored as panic rises to his head. He fights against Jeonghan’s iron grip as Joshua shakes him roughly, hurling at him insults that feel much like sticks and stones. Behind Joshua, Junhui looks on with a pained expression, cheek swollen and covered with a bright purple bruise much like the one over Soonyoung’s heart. In the corner of the room, Soonyoung crouches on the floor in his naked form and cries bitterly, the bruise on his chest now also appearing near his elbow. He grips his ankle and rocks back and forth, face contorted in pain. It’s almost too much._

_On the opposite end of the room, Chan looks up, eyes red-rimmed and puffy, chest heaving. It hits him then that the youngest is in the middle of a panic attack. Jihoon’s eyes widen in alarm, and he’s struggling harder, wanting to break free and run to the maknae, calm him down, ease his mind, tell him he’s got it all planned...he didn’t mean to hurt him by outing him -_

_“Channie!” he tries to scream, but his voice is gone. All that fills the room is Jeonghan and Joshua’s screaming, Soonyoung’s heartbreaking sobs, and Chan’s desperate gasping for air._

_Now it’s too much._

“Hyung! Hyung, wake up! Hyung, it’s okay! It’s just a dream! Wake up!” Jihoon hears a voice say to him urgently as he’s yanked out of his nightmare by the feeling of being shaken.

Jihoon gasps and bolts upright, eyes wide as he quickly whips his head around, surveilling the room for any of the members that had invaded his nightmare. Instead, he only meets Mingyu’s worried, puppy-like gaze staring back at him, lips curved down into a sad little parenthesis.

It’s only then that Jihoon lets out a long sigh of relief and rubs his eyes tiredly, grimacing at the beads of sweat rolling down his face from his hairline. “Shit...sorry, Gyu. What time is it?” he asks groggily, still trembling lightly and searching for anyone else in the dark.

Mingyu switches on his bedside lamp and sits down at the end of Jihoon’s bed. “No, it’s okay. I was still awake, anyway. It’s almost four in the morning.” Jihoon nods, struggling to regulate his breathing again and dab at the sweat on his face with the sleeve of his pullover. Mingyu falls silent, seeming to debate whether or not he should comment on what just happened.

Jihoon barely meets his gaze as he asks, “Was I loud?”

Mingyu looks at him sadly before getting up to get a face towel and pouring some bottled water on it for Jihoon to wipe his face with. Jihoon takes it gratefully and cleans up, dabbing his face and neck. The coolness of the wet towel feels like a blessing against his skin, and once again, he finds himself thankful for Mingyu, despite the embarrassment taking over.

“You were jerking really badly and mumbling stuff. It sounded like you called for Chan at one point. It sounded like you were really out of breath, so I thought I should wake you. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. Thank you,” Jihoon is quick to reply before falling silent, suddenly unsure of what to say. He’s spoken only a little to Mingyu since the day of the blowout in the practice room - nothing quite substantial in terms of conversation. 

Mingyu seems just as unsure of what to say, nodding a little to himself and moving to get up from Jihoon’s bed. He seems to rethink it and settles back into place, looking up shyly at Jihoon.

Jihoon feels a pang of guilt in his chest for making the younger feel so uncomfortable and lets out a soft sigh. “I’m glad you woke me up. It...it wasn’t good.”

The younger perks up a bit at Jihoon’s words. “Is...is everything okay? I mean, well...I guess that’s a dumb question, but like...s-should I get Chan? Do you need to talk to him or something?”

“No! No, you don’t have to. It’s fine. I just…” Jihoon trails off, not knowing how to even explain himself. He’s been avoiding talking about the entire issue like the plague, knowing that once he opens the door to that conversation, he’ll be exposed, vulnerable, and ashamed.

“Is what happened with Joshua-hyung part of it?”

Jihoon chews on the inside of his cheek before nodding softly. It’s not the whole story, but it’s enough of it - perhaps enough to satisfy Mingyu’s curiosity.

Mingyu nods and turns toward him. “You know, I think hyung probably feels terrible about it. I know him. You know him too. He never loses control like that; he’s just going through a lot.”

“And it’s my fault,” Jihoon replies bitterly. “I deserved it.”

The younger frowns a little, seemingly caught off guard by Jihoon’s admission. “It’s not really my place to say whether you deserved it or not, but I know that he’ll feel sorry. And I have a feeling you also feel sorry...right?”

Jihoon doesn’t reply, feeling rather exposed for his liking, but the way his face contorts into a guilty expression tells Mingyu enough. “I think everyone just needs to talk it out. Clear things up, make peace. Don’t you think?”

“That’s what I tried, Gyu. I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.”

“Don’t say that-”

“You think there’s hope for us then? So tell me, what the hell would you have me do, Mingyu?” Jihoon snaps, instantly regretting it the moment Mingyu’s face falls. And still, he can’t find it in himself to mutter out a halfhearted apology. He’s tired, he’s cranky, he’s emotional, and he’s shaken. 

“You know, hyung? I'm really trying here, but you do make it really hard to be understanding and supportive of you,” Mingyu replies coldly, standing up abruptly and making his way toward the bedroom door.

Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut and groans regretfully. No, no, no. Not another name to add to his steadily growing list of people he’s hurt! “No, Gyu, wait. I’m-”

The door shuts behind the taller man’s frame a bit louder than it should for four in the morning, and Jihoon finds himself the same way he usually does these days:

_Alone._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, questions, comments, nightmares, suggestions, thoughts & theories always welcome!! also let me know what you'd like to see more of! thank you to everyone actively interacting - you might not realize it but your comments truly mean absolutely everything to me!


	16. all my dreams have come true, still, nothing means nothing without you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the members journey to Jeju to finally talk, bursts of emotions ensue, secrets are uncovered, and Chan rediscovers the feeling of home.
> 
> title from "Homesick" - Dua Lipa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double, long af update since i was so delayed and my hands are finally cooperating well with me!! this will be an emotional rollercoaster, so strap your seatbelts on and get ready!!!

Convincing Seungcheol of the group’s much-needed trip to Jeju-do was easy. Convincing management, however, was a bigger challenge. Thinking about it objectively, Chan figured it made sense. There’s still an enormous amount of work to be done, Chan, and now Soonyoung, have a stage to put together, and a tremendous amount of logistics have yet to be discussed. Chan didn’t expect an overnight group trip to Jeju-do smack in the middle of preparations for a tour only weeks away to be easily approved by the higher-ups.

The thing about Seungcheol, however - and this is something that Chan admires greatly - is that once he’s set on something that would benefit the members as a whole, he is persistent and adamant about pursuing it. It took three nos and a reluctant maybe for Seungcheol to finally convince the higher-ups to approve the trip for the following weekend, pending daily reports from Hyosung and Hyerim on the group’s practices and Chan and Soonyoung’s stage progress.

The pair work tirelessly, skipping sleep three times that week to settle on a song, rewrite lyrics that better fit them, rearrange the song, distribute parts, brainstorm skit ideas, bounce stage setup ideas off each other, draw out entire diagrams of their proposed layouts, and put together the right story to express through their dance. The choreography becomes easier to weave with their heads put together; with Chan’s energy and bursting creativity, Soonyoung’s sharp eye for the finer details, and Seokmin as a willing temporary stand-in during practice, the choreography comes together a lot quicker than either of the two could have hoped for at the start of the week. By Friday, Chan is bursting with excitement at the progress, Soonyoung is more than satisfied with their work, and Seokmin is feeling more hopeful than ever about the trip to Jeju-do.

And while Chan wishes Soonyoung were completely recovered to practice the stage together with him, the maknae is unable to deny his natural chemistry with Seokmin during practice. Chan thinks the vocalist makes a great stand-in for Soonyoung. While no one could ever quite match the performance team leader in skill and confidence, Seokmin naturally radiates the bubbly, playful energy they’d hoped to incorporate into the dance. He understands Chan well, anticipates his movements almost flawlessly, and never runs out of energy. Chan finds himself recalling the night the two sat together at that public bench by the Han River, pinkies intertwined and brains running marathons trying to come up with a solution to the group’s problem. He’d said it then, and now, seeing the trio’s incredible progress thanks to his hard work and effort, Chan finds himself thinking it again - he and Seokmin do make a great team.

The day the group is set to leave for Jeju-do, Chan gathers that most of the members are excited about the trip. Everyone loves Seungkwan’s parents, and the idea of relaxing at least for a little while seems to perk up even Jeonghan and Jihoon’s pitifully low spirits. Chan’s nerves, however, are constantly on end during the seven hour trip to Seungkwan’s family home. If it weren’t for Seokmin squeezing his hand encouragingly from time to time and cracking jokes about the other younger members, Chan might have actually thrown up on the way. 

Still, looking around him and taking in every one of his precious members’ faces, he receives something akin to a cosmic sort of confirmation that he and Seokmin are doing the right thing. He watches Seungkwan in the front throw his head back in laughter, one hand wrapped firmly around his usual iced americano and the other wrapping around an adoring Hansol’s forearm, and a warm feeling of hope settles in his chest. Knowing what he knows now about the two only strengthens his conviction that they’re doing the right thing. Hansol and Seungkwan deserve to feel safe and secure enough to come out to their members - their brothers - without fearing the kind of backlash Jeonghan and Joshua got from Jihoon. 

Beside the couple, Chan observes Seungcheol’s gummy grin grow wider as Wonwoo leans in to show him something on his phone, unable to miss the way his hand twitches in his lap, wanting desperately to reach behind him for a quiet Jeonghan, whose head rests against the glass of the bus window, eyes focused on their surroundings whizzing by. Next to Jeonghan, Junhui types furiously into his phone, tuning out the world as he and his phone form their own personal bubble. His mind flashes back to Minghao’s worries about their hyung, and he finds himself wondering about whatever mysteries might lie hidden in Junhui’s fluffy head. Mingyu and Minghao sit beside Junhui and bicker pointlessly over just about every random topic the puppy-like man can think of, both seeming to be in much better spirits than they have these past weeks, and the worry settling in his chest subsides a little.

Seokmin hums happily beside Chan, head resting on his shoulder as he scrolls through Weverse and replies to fans. To his right, Joshua’s asleep, AirPods plugged into his ears. Chan notices the way he clutches the hem of his sweater tightly, eyebrows twitching in his sleep. The maknae slips his hand gently over Joshua’s, thumb brushing over the back of it lightly to soothe his hyung, who is trapped once again in his dreams. By the window, Jihoon curls into a ball in his seat, looking smaller than ever before. His head is buried in his knees, hood of his sweatshirt hiding him away from the world. Chan feels a painful tug in his heart as he watches Soonyoung turn to observe him almost constantly, as though Jihoon would feel his eyes on him and magically emerge from his little ball of vulnerability to curl around him instead. 

Soonyoung’s eyes happen to catch Chan’s gaze in that moment, and the younger is quick to turn away, heat rising to his cheeks. He focuses instead on the sound of Seokmin’s humming and his hand on Joshua’s, smiling softly at the way Joshua’s hand unclenches and relaxes under Chan’s reassuring touch. At least he’s not completely inept at comforting his hyungs.

Chan isn’t sure when he falls asleep, but soon enough Seokmin is shaking him softly, fingers carding through his dark hair. His head had somehow tucked itself in the crook of Seokmin’s shoulder. Chan rubs his eyes and smiles tiredly at his hyung, taking his hand and letting the elder pull him off the bus and toward the Jeju-bound ferry. Joshua follows behind silently; however, Chan doesn’t fail to notice the way the elder sticks close to him. He wonders if Joshua remembers Chan’s hand on his, comforting him in his sleep. He’d like to think so, if the way the elder’s eyes fill with warmth when Chan turns to look at him is anything to go by.

The ferry ride is short; Chan doesn’t feel the time pass. He’s stuck in his own head, worrying about all the possible ways in which tonight could go wrong. He’s spiraling - would the hyungs be really angry with him? Would they hate him? Would they blame him if things go south? Chan only just got Joshua to crawl out of his little shell of fear and trust in him; would his hyung feel betrayed? Chan doesn’t think he could handle the guilt if that happened.

His apprehension must be obvious, as he feels a warm hand clasp him on the shoulder and hug him tightly from behind. “Stop worrying,” Chan hears Mingyu whisper into his ear, resting his chin on the younger’s head. “Things will work out, Channie.” Chan sighs and sinks back into Mingyu’s comforting embrace, willing himself to quit his downward spiral into anxiety and resurface. The water is pretty. It’s chilly out here, and Mingyu’s warmth is more than welcome.

Chan observes Seungkwan talking rather animatedly to Joshua, who listens intently. A tiny smile playing at the corner of the elder’s lips soothes his worries once again; something in their conversation yesterday must have stuck with him. He could almost cry with happiness, but then he’d probably have to explain himself to Mingyu. Chan would absolutely rather not for now.

Seokmin joins the two soon enough, and for the rest of the trip, the two stick by him.

Seungkwan rings the doorbell of his family’s home, bouncing with excitement at seeing his parents again. After a few moments, the door swings open and Seungkwan’s mother’s arms are around her son, squeezing him tightly. “Seungkwan-ah! You’re so grown up, look at you!” she dotes as Seungkwan laughs out loud and squeezes her back just as tightly, tears already visible in his eyes. His mother finally lets him go and grins brightly at the group. “You all made it! Great! Come in, come in!” she beckons, disappearing into the house with her son hot on her tracks.

The group slowly kick their shoes off at the door and pour into the house, Chan grinning at the warm familiarity of the place. His nostrils are instantly filled with the smell of scented candles lit around the large living room brightly illuminated by the sun’s rays, filtering in through the sheer curtains covering the tall, wide windows. The place is just as colorfully decorated as he remembers; hues of blue, orange, green, and yellow fill the place in the form of throw pillows and potted plants on shelves, wallpaper and rugs, decor, and furniture. Seungkwan’s mother lapses into an animated conversation with Seungcheol after squeezing him into a bone-crushing hug and asking about his health. Soon enough, Seungkwan’s father joins them in the living room, carrying Bookkeu in his arms as he greets them all individually with the same blindingly bright smile he’s so used to seeing on Seungkwan.

The little dog leaps out of his hold and bounds toward Jeonghan the moment she notices him. Chan feels a bright, warm sensation filling his chest as he watches his hyung’s expression come to life, catching Bookkeu and playing with her on the floor. Mingyu joins him instantly, the pair cooing over the dog’s cuteness. Soonyoung seems to want to jump in himself, but he hesitates. Chan wonders if it’s the guilt of having defended Jihoon from Jeonghan’s anger just a week ago that keeps him from approaching the elder.

“Alright, Bookkeu-yah! I see you! You don’t even acknowledge me but you’ll run to hyung! I’ll remember that next doggie Christmas!” Seungkwan protests loudly, causing the room to burst into laughter. Even Jihoon cracks a small smile.

Seungkwan’s mother seems to notice Jihoon’s state at that very moment, gasping and doting on him instantly. “Jihoon-ah! What happened to your face! Dear God, who is taking care of you boys?” she laments, cradling Jihoon’s face in his hands.

Chan feels the group visibly tense at the mention of his still bruised eye - while the swelling has gone down significantly, covering up the bruising was next to impossible. Jihoon tries to play it off and reassure her, and Chan finds out now that Jihoon had been attributing the bruise to a fallen jar from a high kitchen shelf that managed to hit him in the eye as he tried to get it down. She tsks and scolds the taller members for not having been attentive to him and helping, but the moment eventually passes as Seungkwan is quick to draw her attention to the matter of dinner, pulling her into the kitchen to discuss what Chan knows well is actually their plan for tonight.

And so the day passes, with the Boos’ animated chatter and stories filling the time between their arrival to the early evening. Jihoon, Junhui, Wonwoo, Minghao, and Soonyoung retire to their guest rooms for the night for a while. Chan spends much of the afternoon playing volleyball on the beach toward the back of the large house with Seungkwan, Mingyu, Hansol, Seokmin, and to his surprise, Joshua. Jeonghan talks to Seungkwan’s mother on the steps of the house for a long time, playing with Bookkeu for a while more before the dog decides to join the volleyball players for a match or two. She leaps and runs back and forth, excited by the idea of taking part in this strange but quite interesting human game. Seungcheol, on the other hand, spends quite some time talking to Seungkwan’s father, the two sitting near the edge of the shore.

Chan wonders what the two might be talking about so intimately, but decides that perhaps such conversations just aren’t for him to know. 

Junhui and Wonwoo poke their heads out of their shared guest bedroom after some time, pointing and laughing as Seokmin misses a particular serve and gets hit over the head by the same volleyball he was meant to send flying into the opposite court.

Once early evening begins to settle in, Mama Boo summons the group down to the beach. She suggests building a little campfire in the middle of the beach backyard so the group can appreciate the sunset while she prepares dinner for the group; Seungkwan is quick to agree, insisting that the sunsets at Jeju are unlike any other he’s ever seen. With his father’s help, he, Seungcheol, Mingyu, Hansol, and Chan build the little campfire. Jeonghan emerges from the house with thirteen floor cushions, dropping them around the campfire. Seokmin brings out two old guitars that were stored away in the attic of the house, and with Joshua’s help, they tune them perfectly to play some songs around the campfire while the sun sets.

It’s Mingyu’s idea to roast some marshmallows and eat them. Chan finds himself grinning at the feeling of the soft, toasted treats melting on his tongue. Jeonghan plops down beside him and hands him another, smiling softly at the maknae’s content. To his right, Soonyoung eases himself down and shoves three roasted marshmallows in his mouth. His cheeks round out comically, and in the moment, Chan completely understands why the elder is compared so often to a hamster, despite Soonyoung’s obvious disdain for such a comparison.

Joshua and Seokmin play a mixture of songs - some being acoustic renditions of their own songs, and others being covers of other songs. Chan thinks they work really well together; Seokmin’s acoustic guitar-playing skills have gotten incredibly strong, with Joshua’s help and experienced ear. He finds himself content, leaning his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder as he hums along to the soft tunes. Minghao sits between Seokmin and Joshua, swaying back and forth to the music. Seungkwan, Seokmin, and Soonyoung all sing along in funny voices, bringing out a few laughs from the group. To Chan, the atmosphere almost feels normal, save for the fact that Jihoon is completely silent, almost zoned out. Jeonghan and Joshua won’t even look at each other, Seungcheol’s laugh isn’t as loud and gummy as it usually is, and Junhui’s fingers never stop swiping over his phone screen, thumbs hard at work on his keyboard.

It hits him then once again that _no, things are not normal, and they need to change._

The golden sun finally sets, the glowing moon replacing it in the clear, starry sky. Seokmin and Chan’s eyes eventually meet from across the little campfire, and Chan instantly feels his heartbeat accelerate. _It’s time. No going back_. He offers the elder a tiny nod, letting Seokmin know that he’s ready.

And so it’s like this: once Seokmin’s fingers come to the end of the song, and the soft voices filling the Jeju night with their sweet melodies die down into a peaceful silence, Chan stands.

Mingyu’s eyes are instantly on him, widening ever so slightly. It hits Chan then that people are beginning to notice him, _watch him_. And while it’s not anything new to him - he’s an idol, after all - somehow the stares of his brothers in this moment feel awkward, foreign, nerve-racking. It’s as though he’d just walked into a room of suited professionals in ripped jeans and beat up Vans. He swallows, feeling his hands beginning to tremble at his sides. His palms are sweating despite the night being chilly enough to warrant knitted sweaters and a campfire. He wipes them on his jeans and swallows thickly, looking around to meet the knowing gazes of the other dongsaengs. Hansol offers him a subtle, encouraging smile. Seungkwan seems tempted to step in, as he normally does in variety situations, but stops himself, opting to scrunch his nose tenderly and give Chan an encouraging nod.

Minghao takes a deep breath, but his eyes are blank, expressionless. He’s holding in the emotions, Chan figures. He’s never one to burst into fits of emotion, but Chan knows that his hyung feels deeper than most of the other members combined. Minghao shifts a little closer to Joshua, almost as though ready to hug the elder at any given moment. Joshua doesn’t seem to notice, curious gaze fixed on Chan’s strange behavior. Chan looks arounds and meets Jihoon’s undecipherable gaze, yet something in it is suspicious - perhaps even accusatory. Wonwoo keeps a stoic expression, waiting expectantly for the maknae to begin talking. It’s unnerving.

Jeonghan looks at Chan tenderly, as he never fails to, but still Chan can see shadows haunting his eyes, illuminated by the warm glow of the campfire’s flames. Something about it robs Chan of his voice completely, and even when his lips part to speak up, nothing comes out. He feels more than ridiculous - pathetic even. The longer his members stare, the more insignificant he feels. His confidence is depleting as he spirals downward into a strange and uncomfortable sense of unfamiliarity. Since when has being with his members felt this _foreign_?

His vision is growing blurrier by the second. He hadn’t expected this - anything but this. He hasn’t spoken a word and already the waterworks are beginning. Chan feels childish, immature, more than inadequate for the incredibly herculean task of weaving together the frayed, weak strings keeping the group together - _his brothers together._

“Channie? Is there something you wanted to say?” he hears Soonyoung ask softly from beside him, face contorting with worry. He hates that look on his face; the last thing Chan has ever wanted to do is cause Soonyoung to worry about him. 

Junhui’s eyebrows instantly knit together in concern, shifting to sit on his heels. Seungcheol looks about ready to jump out of his seat on the sand and drag him away to talk privately, leader and hyung mode taking over. _No, this isn’t how this is supposed to go. This isn’t right._

Chan’s watery eyes meet Seokmin’s again, and while the elder appears worried, his warm eyes provide all the encouragement he needs to push past the knot in his throat and speak up. “It’s okay, Channie. You can do it,” he says, causing eyes to shift from Chan to Seokmin in both curiosity, apprehension, and worry.

So he lets go.

“Hyungs...I guess I should start by saying I’m sorry for what’s about to happen,” Chan speaks up shakily, voice cracking and failing around the tightness of his throat. Jihoon’s eyes instantly become alert, while Jeonghan tenses beside him to what appears to be a painful degree. Seungcheol’s and Joshua’s expressions shift into ones of surprise and alarm at Chan’s words.

“This trip wasn’t a coincidence. All of us _dongsaengs_ actually planned this trip with you guys in mind. I know that everything that’s happened this past month has been really hard. We’ve all struggled in our own ways. But we can’t keep avoiding the conversation. So the reason why we’re here is so that we all as a family can just talk through everything. You know, settle things, move on, heal, and fix broken relationships...on all sides,” Chan continues, hands shaking as he shifts his weight, eyes fixed on the fire. He can’t bring himself to look at his hyungs. He’s terrified of what he’ll see.

The other members are so silent that Chan could swear he was talking to the air around him. He brings himself to find Seokmin’s eyes once again. The vocalist nods encouragingly, pushing Chan to continue. “But this can only work if we all participate. We have to be really open and honest. Whenever we’ve fought before, we’ve always solved the issues by talking it out and understanding each other. I really believe that if we can do that tonight, we’ll be able to at least start healing again.” 

“But why all this? Why here? Isn’t this something we could’ve done back at the dorms? Why set this all up behind our backs and risk tour preparations for this?” Seungcheol speaks up suddenly, eyes hard and face giving away a sense of betrayal. “You could have come to me if this was something you were adamant on doing.”

Seungkwan frowns and suddenly speaks up. “But that’s the thing. We shouldn’t have had to come to you. We shouldn’t even have had to plan this. As our leader, shouldn’t you have-”

“Seungkwan,” Seokmin warns softly, causing the younger to fall silent and mumble an apology. 

Still, the younger’s words seem to have struck a chord with the leader. Seungcheol swallows and looks down, shoulders slumped in defeat as he picks at his cuticles. 

“What if some of us aren’t ready to talk?” Jihoon speaks up, sounding terrifyingly similar to the way he did the day he exploded at Joshua and Jeonghan. Chan instantly notices his defensive posture, the way his arms curl around his legs to make himself smaller, the slight shake in his voice, and the fiery look in his eyes. And still, this time, Chan doesn’t miss the undertone of fear lying there. “Did any of you think about that? I mean, the last time I tried to talk about it, Joshua literally attacked me. Or did you forget, Chan? Mingyu?” 

Chan flinches at his tone. His eyes flick to Joshua, who wraps his arms around himself and curls into a protective ball. Jihoon sounds painfully accusatory, and for the first time, Chan thinks he understands how Jeonghan and Joshua must have felt under Jihoon’s intimidating glare and pointed words. His skin itches and burns at the same time, and if he felt the urge to cry creeping up on him before, he feels it twice as strongly now. 

A few of the members gasp - presumably the ones that hadn’t been there to witness Joshua and Jihoon’s fight. Seokmin himself instantly looks at Chan, most likely questioning why the younger hadn’t mentioned what happened. Mingyu shrivels up upon being called out, avoiding the gazes of the others who’d been ignorant to what had happened. 

Chan’s breath is shaky as he inhales to reply, but thankfully Seokmin speaks up, sensing his discomfort. “While I don’t know what happened, I can imagine how uncomfortable you all must feel. But I do know that staying quiet and isolating yourselves hurts us too,” the vocalist replies calmly; the initial warmth and reassurance in his voice, however, disappears, a hint of hurt replacing it. “We all feel really sorry that things had to come to this, since the last thing we ever want to do is back any of you up into a corner. We love and respect you as hyungs so much, but when we saw that nothing was being done to fix things between us all, we couldn’t just stand by and pretend that we’re not all suffering.”

“Well after what happened, forgive me if I’m not up for talking anymore,” Jihoon snaps, shifting to get up from his spot. 

Mingyu is on his feet instantly, getting in Jihoon’s way. “Hyung, I’m sorry, but this can’t wait.”

“Get out of my way, Mingyu,” the elder replies, but the tone of his voice becomes more fearful than angry. _Talking things through must truly terrify him to the core_ , Chan thinks to himself.

“Jihoon, sit down,” Seungcheol orders, voice sounding the most like a leader than it has in weeks. “They’re right. Enough running from your mistakes. Remember you caused this.” His voice is strained, as though he’s making an effort to hold back his emotion, but his eyes betray an internal conflict beyond what any leader would feel. He seems at that moment more like a father tormented by failure and guilt. Chan hates this look on his hyung; it doesn’t suit him at all.

Jihoon hesitates, seeming to debate between obeying his leader and ducking around Mingyu to run back into the house and isolate himself. Everyone stares at him expectantly, and for a moment Chan feels like he can breathe again for a moment now that the heat is momentarily off of him. 

“Hoon...come sit,” Soonyoung finally speaks up, reaching his hand out to Jihoon. “It’s okay. This is a safe space...right?” At this he looks back at Chan, a tumultuous mixture of emotions in his eyes. It’s the first time Chan has met his gaze since he began talking, and his stomach churns. He finds himself praying to all the gods that Soonyoung never holds this against him.

“Yes! This is meant to be a safe space for everyone to express their feelings. No blaming, no attacking, and no judgment,” Seokmin chimes in warmly, Soonyoung’s sharp eyes flicking toward him. Seokmin gives off a relax, inviting aura; Chan might even have believed it if he didn’t notice the way Seokmin scratches at the skin along the side of his nail - a nervous tick. 

Jihoon hesitates before sighing and plopping back down in his spot, pulling his hood over his head and hiding his face from the others. Mingyu lets out a soft breath of relief and sits back down beside him, rubbing his back a little.

Jeonghan watches Jihoon intently, a mixture of resentment and anger in his eyes. Still, he’s silent. Always silent. Joshua still can’t bring himself to look up from the ground. Chan decides to sit down himself, unsure of how much longer he can steadily stand on his feet without his knees buckling with his nerves. Seokmin catches his gaze again and nods for him to continue. So the younger does, deciding to address Seungcheol’s initial question about the planned trip. 

“We picked this place because of its meaning. Do you guys remember the last time we were here? How much fun we had?”

A ghost of a smile appears on Jeonghan’s lips as he seems to recall the memories. Seungcheol nods gently to himself, a tiny sparkle of happiness lighting up his eyes. Junhui lets out a small giggle and nods, deciding to speak up. “We played lots of fun games. I think it felt like we were actually just kids for a bit. We just relaxed.” 

Wonwoo hums in agreement. “I can probably say it was the most I’d laughed in a while. I appreciated you all more afterward. I also realized how bad some of you are at word games.”

The rapper’s sudden joke manages to bring out soft chuckles around their circle, Minghao shaking his head and sighing loudly, knowing he is clearly one of those people. Even Joshua manages a tiny smile at the memory. Chan almost cries from relief as little by little, the members begin to open up about their feelings and memories from that day. It brings out a feeling of nostalgia, reminiscing upon the way their bonds as brothers became stronger. Seungkwan recalls being tackled into the sand by Soonyoung, who giggles at the memory. Seungcheol remembers the roasted mushrooms and the singing around the campfire, much like they’ve done tonight. Even Jeonghan recounts how he, Mingyu, and Seungkwan helped the Boos prepare dinner that time, emphasizing how Seungkwan’s mother had unexpectedly praised his nonexistent cooking skills. Seokmin laughs along, his positivity and energy seeming to transmit to the others, who laugh with him for the first time in what feels like eternity.

It’s like this: throughout his entire life, Chan has been faced with icebreakers. He became most acquainted with them when meeting new people, at the start of club meetings in school, or even when participating in an activity with his friends to warm up. Unlike most people his age, who tend to find them awkward at best and detestable at worst, Chan has always enjoyed those. It’s the feeling of becoming comfortable enough to interact with strangers or even learning something new about people he thought he knew well enough already. And still, he never once thought that he’d ever find himself in the middle of an icebreaker among the people he’s grown to call his family for over five years. 

_How did we come to this? What will it take to break through this foreign feeling?_

“How about you, Channie? What does our last trip here mean to you?” Seungkwan asks, interrupting Chan in his thoughts and pulling him out of his head. _Is it that obvious I zoned out?_

The others watch him expectantly, save for Jihoon, whose face is still hidden under the hood of his pullover. Chan blinks and recalls the last time they were here - the laughs, the games, the love, the safety, the warmth, the comfort, the hope - and lets his heart speak for him. “I think...that night was one of the best nights of my life. I still remember as clearly as if it were yesterday. I loved laughing, playing, and singing with my hyungs. The campfire was my favorite part. That night I felt the safest, happiest, and most loved I’ve ever felt. It felt like everything we’d worked for, all the things we went through together as a group up to that point was _worth it_.” Chan hates the way his throat begins to close up once again the more he remembers all of the web of entangled emotions he’d felt that night and compares them to where they are now. 

“Being the youngest, watching you all smile and laugh, grow closer, and let go felt like I’d found my safe haven. I knew then I wanted to be like you all. I thought to myself, ‘Wow, my hyungs are so incredible. I’m so lucky to have them in my life.’” Chan hears a couple of sniffles somewhere, finding Seungkwan’s face in his hands, Hansol’s arm around him securely in comfort. Jeonghan presses a hand to his mouth, tears rolling freely down his face as he stifles back his cries. Seokmin himself cries silently, Minghao resting his head on the vocalist’s shoulder. Seungcheol swallows thickly, jaw set tightly in an effort to control his emotions. Something in the way his hyungs react to his words pushes Chan forward, despite the way he can feel himself inevitably coming apart.

“I-I miss those hyungs...and I just want things to be right again,” Chan admits, voice cracking painfully. "We can’t keep on this way. We can’t go on a tour, keep making music, keep meeting our fans, keep working and working and working some more when we’re all hurting and distant. So as your humble little brother...as your little maknae, Lee Chan...I’m begging you, hyungs…”

The tears freely fall as his body trembles more and more. He hadn’t expected his body to react this way at all. He swore he’d been okay! He’d been powering through! He considered himself so strong, wading against the current of a broken group, a broken family, and a broken heart to bring them all to this point! He’d promised Seokmin and the others that he could handle taking the lead tonight! 

_So why do I suddenly feel weaker than ever?_

“Please,” he begs, voice barely above a broken whisper. The realization that no, he isn’t invincible, hits him like a truck. He’s just as worn out, just as tired, and just as hurt as the others. He’d pushed his feelings into this deep, black pit to worry about others, to prove that he could also be a shoulder to lean on, to reassure himself that he can take care of others, too. He’d tried to be so grown and mature that he’d ignored his own need to be taken care of.

And so it’s like this: after weeks of taking care of others, of racking his brain for solutions, and of being a support for the other members, Chan is emotionally _drained._

A moment of silence passes before someone’s arms engulf him tightly. He doesn’t need to open his eyes to know that it’s Soonyoung who pulls him close, hugging him tightly. Chan gives into his touch instantly, slumping against him and outright sobbing into his shirt. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” Soonyoung whispers into his ear. “You did so well, Channie,” he says softly. “Thank you.”

The group is painfully silent, save for the crackling of the flames in the middle of their circle and the sounds of soft cries around the circle. Chan clings to Soonyoung like a lifeline, both hating himself for crying so openly and so bitterly in front of his members but also feeling a throbbing sense of pride in himself for having stepped up the way he did. And while he isn’t sure at all of what will happen now, he simply knows that after this, things will be okay.

After some moments of silence, a soft, shaky voice speaks up. Joshua is finally looking up at the others, tears running down his face but otherwise appearing strong and decided. Chan wipes at his eyes to get a clear look at his hyung as he speaks up, still wrapped securely in Soonyoung’s arms. “I’m sorry,” Joshua says, swallowing thickly.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t know how to handle my feelings, and the only thing I could think of was to close myself off. It was horrible of me to put you all through that. I hate knowing how much I worried you all, but I think I’m ready. I’m so sorry it took me so long.” Joshua turns toward Chan, offering the younger a small smile. “Last week, you gave me much more strength than you might think, Channie. I want to pay some respect to all of you guys’ efforts in getting us here today to talk through things, so I’m going to speak honestly.”

The younger members nod quickly, encouraging him to continue. “I was raised Catholic. As I’m sure you guys know, my faith is a huge part of me and how I see life. But...I also happen to like men. When I first realized my feelings for Jeonghannie, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had no idea what this meant for me, how I could possibly fit those feelings into the context of my faith and the mold that I’m supposed to fit into as a man in South Korea with a belief system that completely contradicts them. I struggled alone for a long time, until finally Hannie confessed to me.”

Joshua’s voice cracks here, soft tears trailing down his face and eyes meeting Jeonghan’s for the first time in perhaps a month. “You changed everything for me, Hannie. When you told me...I felt validated. For the first time, I felt like it was okay to have these feelings. To be me. You gave me the safety and the strength I needed to face myself. Being with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’m not me without you. You made my life brighter, and for that I’m so, so thankful to you.” Jeonghan lets out a soft cry and bites his finger to hold back.

“Things felt more right than they had in ages. I was happy. And then you said what you said, Jihoon.” The younger only barely looks up at the mention of his name, and for the first time, Chan manages to get a glimpse of how red his face is, cheeks soaked and lips swollen from constantly chewing. Joshua takes in a shaky breath and centers himself. “What you said to us brought back every last moment I spent beating myself down and hating myself for my preferences. It was every one of my biggest fears coming to life, and after that, I just shut down. Jeonghannie, I ended things with you because after that day, I figured it was the right thing to do. But it killed me inside. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for weeks. I couldn’t sleep. Constant nightmares flooded my head, and I felt like I was constantly suffocating. I don’t think I’ve ever been in such a bad place my whole life. But that doesn’t excuse the way I attacked you that night you came to me, Jihoon. I’m so, so sorry for having hurt you. The guilt has been eating at me since. I just couldn’t bring myself to face you.”

“I’m a coward, I know. I’m a coward who runs away at the first sight of trouble, who can’t own up to his mistakes, who hides away to struggle alone, who pushes everyone who just wants to help away. And for all these things...I’ve never been more sorry in my life. I see now how selfish I was...I didn’t see how my actions hurt the rest of you, and still I feel so thankful that you all love this idiot enough to plan this all so carefully and help me heal. I don’t deserve any of you.”

“Don’t you dare say that, hyung,” Hansol speaks up. “Your feelings are valid.” Minghao hums in agreement beside Joshua, hugging him tightly. Joshua lets out a long sigh and wipes at his face, tucking his head into the crook of the dancer’s shoulder.

“He’s right. We love you so much,” Seokmin adds.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself too much, Shua. You were going through a lot. We understand, I promise,” Seungcheol speaks up, face contorted with worry for the singer.

“It’s not that easy, Cheol. But thank you all for listening. It kind of feels like a huge weight off my chest.” And Chan can visibly perceive it; Joshua is actually smiling through his tears. “I hope you all can forgive me. I missed you guys so much.”

“There’s nothing to forgive,” Wonwoo reassures him, squeezing the elder’s hand tightly.

“We missed you the most!” Mingyu adds, a toothy grin spreading on his face even as he wipes a stray tear away. Chan leans in a little closer to Soonyoung, seeking his warmth and wanting to share the growing bubble of warm happiness in his chest. Soonyoung holds him tighter, resting his cheek on Chan’s hair.

“Can I go next?” Minghao speaks up, soft flames reflecting in his glistening eyes.

“By all means, go for it,” Seokmin replies, and everyone falls silent again to listen to Minghao.

“I won’t say too much, since this time should be more for the hyungs to talk. First of all, I want to apologize to Jeonghan-hyung and Shua-hyung for the way I spoke that day. I was very disrespectful and out of line, and while I was frustrated, I know it’s not an excuse for dropping honorifics and talking down to you. I’m also sorry to Mingyu. I argued with you badly that day even though you were just trying to help diffuse the situation and get me to back down. I guess you guys know me well enough to know that my environment and my surroundings affect me quite a bit. I know I’ve been particularly irritable and distant toward a lot of you these days, and I’m sorry for that. I’m just so used to our usual strong chemistry, and I get a lot of energy from you guys on tougher days. Since that was gone for a while, I guess I kind of fell into a slump. But I’ve constantly thought about you and how you were all holding up, so I’m thankful that we’re doing this to kind of get everything out into the open. I know sometimes it’s hard for you hyungs to speak up when you’re struggling, since you’re all usually in protective hyung mode. I want to say that Joshua, we all love you so much, and we understand. I just want you to be happy and feel comfortable in your own skin. All of us should feel that way. And in the future, if there are ever any disagreements or differences in opinions, I hope that we can discuss them civilly so that this doesn’t happen again.”

Minghao sighs in relief and smiles. Everyone nods in agreement, reassuring him that he isn’t to blame for his behavior. Joshua and Seokmin squeeze the dancer into a hug. Jihoon remains unresponsive. Chan senses it, and beside him he knows Soonyoung is well aware of it, too. Worry begins to eat at his nerves, but before he can give it too much thought, Junhui speaks up. 

“To speak to Minghao’s point...talking through my feelings is hard for me sometimes. Sometimes I’m worried I won’t be able to accurately express myself or that I won’t find the right words since...you know, the whole language thing. But I guess if we’re going to be honest, I felt a bit lost. I kept to myself a lot of this time because I wasn’t sure what to say or do, or whether it was even my place to speak on what happened. I only spoke to Jihoonie the day everything happened, but after that, I just didn’t know where my role fell. So I’m sorry to you guys for maybe not having been there when you needed me. I tried to give lots of hugs, share memes, and make jokes, but maybe that’s not enough. Maybe, that’s not what you guys needed. I guess...maybe it’s completely unrelated but I’ve been feeling rather homesick these days. I didn’t want to tell anyone since clearly there were bigger issues at hand-”

“Don’t say that! Your feelings matter, Junnie!” Minghao instantly protests, hurt registering in his eyes.

Junhui lets out a small giggle. “Okay, okay sorry! What I meant was that I didn’t want to burden anyone else when there’s been so much to worry about. So I’ve kind of been in my own headspace during this time. Again, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you when I should’ve been. I promise I’ll do better going forward,” he finishes, cheeks flushing red as he laughs nervously and scratches his head.

Wonwoo pulls Junhui into a side hug as the other members share reassuring words. Minghao pouts and leans forward to meet Junhui’s gaze. “You know you can always tell me when you feel that way, right?” Junhui nods, grinning at the younger dancer.

Once Junhui and Wonwoo separate, Wonwoo speaks up. “I’m not the best with words sometimes, and I know I’ve kept pretty silent for most of this time. I guess I didn’t really know what to say. I still think back on that day and everything that’s happened since and ask myself how on earth we got to this point. I didn’t want to blame anyone or take sides, since I hate conflict. It’s never good when we’re fighting. That day was a lot for me to process, and I wasn’t sure what to do with my own feelings on everything besides bury them. I want you all to know that I support you guys in everything. I feel horrible that as a hyung, I wasn’t there for you younger ones. I should’ve been a support system, but instead all I did was take up space and go through the motions. In the future, I promise I’ll work hard to be a hyung you can come to and rely on.”

‘It’s the same for me,” Soonyoung pipes up, taking a deep breath. “I know I could’ve done a much better job at being there for everyone. With my ankle in the condition that it’s in, I guess I just felt kind of useless these past few weeks. Defective. I got stuck in my own head quite often. This has all just been emotionally taxing on me...for many reasons. I felt bad enough that I couldn’t join you guys for rehearsals, but then thinking about everything that happened just made me feel so much worse. I felt so tired all the time, so I didn’t realize that maybe I was needed as more than just a team choreographer or unit leader. Like Wonwoo said, I’ll also work hard to be a better hyung, a better friend, and a better teammate.”

“Me too,” Seungcheol interjects, doe eyes sad and ridden with guilt. “Kwannie, you were right in what you said earlier. As leader, it was my responsibility to fix all this. I should’ve checked in on you all, sat us all down earlier before things could get so ugly. I should’ve been there. I should have listened. I let my own emotions cloud my judgment and failed you guys. I guess I’ve been looking for the right words to say to you all for a while, but they just never came. Maybe I was just too scared of having the difficult conversations, because I know…” 

Seungcheol trails off, getting lost in his thoughts for a moment. His eyes begin to water instantly, and when he speaks up, his voice sounds choked up. “I know that as a leader, I’m supposed to be objective. I’m supposed to listen to all sides, understand, and mediate for everyone. I couldn’t do it this time. I just couldn’t. And I kept beating myself up over it - ‘Seungcheol, why can’t you be objective the way you always have been? Why are you letting your own thoughts and feelings get in the way of your responsibilities?’ I thought about these things often, and still I couldn’t come up with a good answer.” Chan notices the way the leader’s eyes briefly flick over to Jeonghan, who regards him with a certain mixture of emotions that the youngest has never seen before. He isn’t sure what to make of it, but in that brief second, it almost feels like the two elders are having a silent conversation that perhaps the others aren’t meant to be let into. It feels too intimate, too private, and perhaps too abstract for any of the others to understand.

Deep down, Chan had been sensing for a while that something had changed between the two. Now, he finds himself wondering now if this _something_ is the reason for Seungcheol’s cryptic words and Jeonghan’s mixed emotions. He feels like an outsider peering in on the two.

“What do you mean?” Seokmin asks curiously, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

Seungcheol then seems to snap out of his thoughts, coming back to reality and meeting the younger’s gaze. He pauses, seeming to search for the right words before replying. “I guess I mean that I just felt...lost on what to do or even where to start. I thought that by avoiding the situation, maybe, eventually it would all go away, and things would fix themselves. I know thinking this way was extremely irresponsible and selfish of me. You were all counting on me, and I failed miserably.”

“Cheol, you didn’t -” Jeonghan begins, voice hoarse and ridden with emotion.

“I did, Han. I failed,” the leader reiterates, tears spilling over, and Chan realizes by the tone of his voice that Seungcheol didn’t quite say what he really meant.

 _You. I failed you_. He can almost hear the leader say it, knowing that it’s truly what he meant. Such words would make sense, knowing what he knows about Seungcheol and his feelings for the singer. In that moment, Chan knows exactly where the leader’s internal conflict came from. He understands it perfectly. 

Jeonghan seems to understand it too, bottom lip wobbling as he looks away.

“After listening to you guys, I can’t come up with any words to express just how sorry I am for having acted this way and left you all alone to cope. I hope that eventually, you can all forgive this imperfect hyung of yours. Like Wonwoo said, I’ll work hard to be someone you can depend on no matter what the circumstance. But not only that - I’ll be a leader worthy of you all. I promise that I will never fail you this badly again.”

Chan’s heart breaks at the absolutely crushed look on Seungcheol’s face, even as Seokmin hugs him tightly and some of the others reassure him. Chan wishes he had the right words to say, but it seems like tonight, he’s all out of them. So for a brief moment, he closes his eyes, simply focusing on Soonyoung’s unrelenting warm arms around him and just how perfectly he fits between them. Soonyoung smells like the blue-green sea washing the shores of Jeju-do and feels like soft pajamas and a comfy bed - like home. 

“Then if you failed, so did I,” Jeonghan asserts, clearing his throat and swiping at his face. The group seems to take a collective breath once Jeonghan speaks up, instantly focusing their attention on him. Seungcheol seems confused by his statement, but listens carefully nonetheless.

“I’ve been failing you guys since even before that argument during practice. I’ve been pining after Joshua since forever, and once we got together, it was like everything else stopped mattering. I couldn’t focus on work anymore even though that’s where my head needed to be most. Had I been able to separate my feelings from work, none of this would’ve happened.”

“But by that logic, I’d be at fault too, Han,” Joshua pipes up. “This isn’t just on you.”

“No, you’re not at fault. This was me. I pushed for a relationship you weren’t ready for. I insisted on sticking by you all the time. I was the one who constantly dragged your focus away from work and group activities. You’re responsible and focused, Shua. This was me. All of this...it’s my fault. So if any of you need someone to blame, it’s me.”

“Literally none of this is your fault, Jeonghan!” Seungcheol exclaims, face contorted in outrage. “I’m not going to let you sit there and take the blame when all you’re guilty of is being happy!”

“I agree, that’s not fair on you,” Joshua adds, frowning deeply. Meanwhile, Chan and Seokmin exchange worried glances, instantly sensing the situation beginning to escalate negatively.

“Guys, I think it’s important that we don’t point fingers at anyone or start assigning blame. We’re all at fault here-” Seokmin tries before he finds himself cut off by Jeonghan.

“It’s only fair! The whole reason Jihoon even blew up in the first place is because of how unfocused we were! And that was my fault. And while that does _not_ excuse Jihoon for being a homophobic asshole and-”

“Hyung please,” Chan tries, finally pulling out of Soonyoung’s arms to try and calm Jeonghan down, but the elder seems to only become more animated. His face is turning red, hands trembling, and voice growing louder with each passing second. Jeonghan shrugs off Chan’s hand shifts in his seat, now sitting back on his heels.

“-treating us like absolute trash-”

“Jeonghan-hyung, there’s no need to be insulting,” Soonyoung instantly snaps, noting the way Jihoon seems to cower even further under the hood of his pullover, grip on his legs growing tighter and shoulders starting to heave.

“Alright Soonyoung, have you simply just made it your life mission to fight me on everything I say to defend him? Would you like to explain to me what the hell is up with that?” Jeonghan snaps, rounding on Soonyoung.

Chan’s eyes widen when Soonyoung instantly gets on his knees turning on Jeonghan angrily. “Because you claim that literally everything that’s happened is your fault yet you’ve been doing to him exactly what you just called him an asshole for! Now explain that one to me!”

“Soonyoung, no. Soonyoung! Soonyoung, back down!” Wonwoo warns.

“Why should I? Being older than me doesn’t give him the right to talk down to whoever and then get angry when the same is done to him!” Soonyoung fires back. “You don’t have to talk about Jihoon like that to get your point across!”

Seungcheol looks about ready to get up and intervene as Jeonghan becomes even more physically agitated. “Why the hell do you stick up for him so fucking much when he’s _literally_ the reason you spent weeks feeling defective because of your ankle injury?” Chan keeps between the two, using more strength than he’d like to pull Soonyoung back down as he starts to get up from his spot. Junhui tugs on Jeonghan’s arm, trying to get him to sit back down and relax.

“Guys, please, this wasn’t meant to make you fight!” Seungkwan yells from across the circle.

“Hannie calm down! Soonyoung is right!” Joshua calls. Seungcheol is getting up, Jihoon’s breathing is getting faster and faster, and Jeonghan is crying again. Chan is completely at a loss for what to do besides trying to push the two away from each other and begging them to calm down. He’d been ready for verbal arguments potentially erupting, but not having to hold back two members from breaking out into a fight.

“Please, please stop fighting!” Seungkwan tries to yell over their escalating voices.

“Alright, can it, hyungs!” Seokmin suddenly screams to the top of his lungs, face red and expression contorted with anger. His voice is loud enough to overpower Jeonghan and Soonyoung’s arguing, causing them to instantly stop, eyes widened in shock.

Seokmin’s explosion leaves the entire group wide-eyed and frozen in place. Jeonghan and Soonyoung plop down in their spots, visibly in shock.

“This trip is for healing, not creating more divisions!” he continues, eyes focusing on each member directly. “So this is what we’re _not_ gonna do, and listen carefully. This is for everyone. We are _not_ pointing any more fingers at anyone. We are _not_ assigning blame. We are _not_ insulting each other or using foul language. We are _not_ going to argue with each other. We are _not_ going to talk over each other. And we are most definitely _not_ going to get physical. That is not what we’re here for! Am I making myself abundantly clear or do I need to repeat myself?”

The other members nod silently, shaken by his sudden display of authority. Seokmin takes a deep breath and nods, any trace of anger instantly disappearing from the muscles on his face. “Alright then,” he says, sounding gentle and warm once again. “Sorry about that, hyungs. I didn’t mean to yell.”

A moment of silence passes among the group before a tiny, shaky voice speaks up. 

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says, and had it not been for the dead silence, his words would have been carried away by the sound of the wind blowing and the waves undulating. 

Soonyoung turns to him, placing a hand on his back and rubbing it softly. Mingyu does the same from his other side as the rest wait for him to continue.

Jihoon finally musters up the courage to pick up his head from where it’d been hidden behind his knees and pushes his hood back. He looks _terrible_. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy, and his face is streaked with tear tracks. His lips are red and swollen, most likely from gnawing. His black hair sticks up at odd angles, giving him the appearance of someone who’d just either rolled out of bed or yanked on it too much. He swallows and parts his lip to speak, and as he does, they quiver unsteadily.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeats, wincing at the way his voice grates out of his throat. “There’s no good excuse for all the things I did to hurt you. I know that. I just c-couldn’t s-say it…” His voice catches in his throat again, and Jihoon lets out a loud groan of frustration at his seeming inability to speak.

“Take your time, it’s okay,” Junhui speaks up from next to Jeonghan, who refuses to look at Jihoon. Meanwhile, Joshua watches Jihoon closely and listens to his every word attentively.

Jihoon takes a deep breath to steady himself and continues. “There’s something you guys don’t know. I’ve been keeping it a secret for a really long time. I can’t explain it really, but when you two came out to us, it triggered something in me. It made me insecure. Seeing how happy you two were together reminded me of all the things I can’t have...or give.”

“What do you mean, Hoon?” Joshua speaks up softly, eyes glistening with concern.

Soonyoung stiffens next to Chan. The younger watches as he shifts in his seat, breath caught in his throat. Chan’s own heart begins to palpitate in anticipation. _Is he going to_ -

“There’s someone I love...but I don’t deserve him,” Jihoon chokes out, shrinking in on himself.

Chan watches as little by little, realization and shock spread across the other members’ faces. Soonyoung sucks in a deep breath beside him, playing with some frayed denim threads hanging from the rips around his knees. Jeonghan falters, eyes wide as he stutters in complete bewilderment. Joshua is frozen in place, and Seungcheol’s brows knit together in confusion.

“Wait...Hoon, _he_?”

Jihoon sniffles and nods, looking down at the ground so as to avoid the gazes of the other members. “I’m gay.”

Seokmin meets Chan’s gaze, clearly baffled at the revelation. Chan looks away, feeling once again guilty for having kept yet another thing from the elder - especially one he trusts so much. Then again, it wasn’t his secret to tell.

“W-Was that what you were trying to tell me that night?” Joshua speaks up, eyes welling up with tears.

Jihoon nods softly, looking up to make eye contact with him. “I wanted to explain why I reacted the way I did. I took a long time to think my actions through, and I realized why. I was only projecting my own insecurities and frustrations out on you. I didn’t even stop to think how badly I could have hurt you with what I said.”

Jeonghan shakes his head. “I don’t understand...what do you mean you don’t deserve him? Who is he?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

Jihoon doesn’t reply right away, visibly swallowing. Chan watches Soonyoung’s head whip up, eyes meeting Jihoon’s gaze. Chan steadies himself, prepares to shield his heart, and take the blow. It’s coming. He can feel it.

After what feels like an eternity, it is Soonyoung’s voice that fills the empty silence. “It’s me,” he says softly. Heads whip toward him, and if the others were shocked before, now they’re all completely astounded.

“What?” Minghao almost yells, gasping as his voice echoes across the night. 

And there it is. The stab to the heart. Chan bites his lip and inhales slowly through his nose, trying to numb the pain. It doesn’t help that Seungcheol’s wide eyes instantly look for his. Right, because he _knows_.

Jihoon nods a little. “Soonyoung and I...we’ve had feelings for each other for a long time. But I know that a relationship isn’t for me. I don’t have the time or the energy to put into it. Because of that, I said no...always no. But then you two told us about your relationship, and I saw how cute and happy you two were. It was beautiful, but it also reminded me of everything I can’t have...or give.”

“I didn’t help either,” Soonyoung confesses, playing with his fingers. “I kept pressuring him, especially once I saw that you guys could have a relationship. I begged him constantly, not realizing that all I was doing was making things worse.”

“Is that why you were never angry even after you got hurt?” Minghao asks tentatively.

Soonyoung nods. “I think a part of me knew that the blowout was partly because of my own persistence. I couldn’t take no for an answer, and for that I’m sorry, Jihoon.”

The vocalist shakes his head instantly. “No, I am. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for lashing out at you hyungs. You didn’t deserve that at all, distractions aside. I’m sorry for hurting you Soonie...I really am. I’m sorry to all of you for hurting you and causing this whole mess. I’m sorry to the people whose confidence I betrayed-” and here, Jihoon meets Chan’s watery gaze - “and whose concerns I took for granted. I’m j-just so...terribly s-sorry. Please, please forgive me everyone,” Jihoon begs, breaking down into heartbreaking sobs as he curls into himself.

And to Chan’s shock, Jeonghan instantly gets up and makes his way over to Jihoon. He kneels in front of him and pulls him close, enveloping him in a tight hug. Joshua follows suit, hugging Jihoon from behind. The unit leader’s cries only grow louder as he finally unwraps himself from his protective little ball and lets himself slump into the two’s warm embrace.

Mingyu joins the two, and soon, Seungcheol is wrapping his wide arms around the four. Little by little, the rest of the members join in the group hug with Jihoon at its center.

Warm, tight, and loving. It feels like home. Chan finds himself squished somewhere between Junhui and Hansol, eyes leaking as he can practically feel the healing taking place between all thirteen members. It’s what he and Seokmin had dreamed of when putting their plans together, and seeing the end result brings a new kind of fullness and restoration to his own broken and bruised heart. It hits him then that perhaps, like Junhui, he’d also been feeling homesick - albeit in a different way. His hyungs are his home, and without them, he’d felt empty and lost.

“We did it, Channie... _you_ did it,” Hansol whispers in his ear, a small smile pulling at the corners of his lips. Chan sniffles and nods, hugging the blond tighter.

The thirteen stay in this position for a while, finding comfort and love in each other once again. It’s perfect, and it’s _right_. From somewhere in the crowd, Chan hears Seungcheol speak up.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say that all is forgiven, right? No more worrying.”

Sounds of agreement fill their little ball of serenity and love, as the broken family bonds they’d had before each get woven back together, and perhaps even stronger than before.

“I love you guys,” Seokmin speaks up, voice thick with emotion. It takes everything Chan has not to let out a small giggle. Of course Lee Seokmin would be the one to turn into a ball of mush.

“Me too,” Seungkwan cries.

“I love my hyungs!” Chan finds himself yelling, squeezing the men around him even tighter. Junhui groans and lets out a loud laugh, squeezing Chan back himself.

They don’t separate until Mama Boo opens the back door, calling them all back in for dinner, but even when they do, the thirteen feel more closely linked than ever, seemingly still craving each other’s closeness and comfort. Chan himself finds himself seeking the usual warmth and comfort of one particular hyung, taking his hand and squeezing it.

“We did it Channie,” Seokmin says softly, pressing a tender kiss to the maknae’s head. And for the first time in an entire month, Chan is _okay_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> questions? comments? nightmares? theories? drop them below! they make my day and motivate me more! ;)


	17. no one can lift me, catch me the way that you do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seungcheol confides in Chan and calls his feelings into question, and Chan can only resist his own manly urges so much before putting himself (and someone else) to the test.
> 
> title from "Still Falling For You" - Ellie Goulding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back again with another update since my hands are still doing well! next chapter will provide a jeonghan interlude to bring this whole group-wide journey to a close and really turn the focus to soonchan's development. still lots of exciting things to come so bear with me!!
> 
> this chapter contains mild nsfw content: heated make-out sessions, excessive swearing, and mutual hand jobs. if this makes you uncomfortable feel free to skip that part!

The smell of the sea once again fills Chan’s nose as he steps out onto the balcony of the guest room he shares with Seokmin and leans over the rail. Dinner had been exceptional, as is usual at the Boo household, yet Chan can’t help but think that the renewed, positive atmosphere of the group made it just that much better. He finds himself thinking still, even as some of the members have already retired to bed for the night. 

Seokmin isn’t up here yet; he’d insisted on helping Hansol, Seungkwan, and the Boos clean up after dinner. He had offered to help himself, only to be met with a quick shush from Mama Boo as she pushed him lightly out of the kitchen. “I’d rather you rest well, little one,” she’d assured him warmly, lightly messing up his hair. “By the way, I heard you did very well,” she’d whispered with a wink. “Kwannie is so proud of you.”

Her words stick with him as he contemplates the rise and fall of the tides and soaks in the sound of the waves. Chan didn’t think he did very well at all; in fact, he’d broken down even after promising the others that he was strong enough to take charge with Seokmin. Even with these thoughts in mind, Chan still feels airy and light - free of burdens and hopeful for the future. He’d watched a long since gone sparkle of life return to Jihoon’s perpetually sad eyes, and the way that Jeonghan and Joshua clung to each other a little tighter than they ever had before. He’d watched the first genuine grin in ages once again grace Seungcheol’s pretty face. For these things and more, the maknae is thankful to all the higher powers of the universe.

The glow of the switched on lamp in the guest room just barely illuminates the balcony where Chan stands. He finds himself at peace, his mind serene and calm. Chan lets himself contemplate the events of the night silently, alone, and while there is always still a strange sense of longing in his heart for the love too far out of his reach, he is filled with warmth and comfort. He closes his eyes for a moment and simply focuses on the crisp breeze blowing through his hair, the smell of the sea, the memory of his hyungs’ grinning faces, and the heat of their bodies as they huddled together around Jihoon.

He remembers the incomparably beautiful feeling of Soonyoung’s soft arms wrapped around his frame, holding him so delicately and closely as though he were truly precious. The way his head fits perfectly into the crook of Soonyoung’s shoulder is not lost on him; in fact, it’s all that Chan can feel at the moment, losing himself in his thoughts. There’s a throbbing in his chest - an ineffable feeling he cannot possibly put into words or even abstract thoughts. A part of him thinks it falls somewhere between nostalgia and desiderium. It’s peaceful yet aching, and it tugs at Chan’s heartstrings in a way unlike the dancer has ever felt before.

The sound of the back door opening and closing pulls him out of his reverie, and Chan’s eyes open to follow Jeonghan and Joshua make their way toward the shore. They sit together closely, but their bodies fail to touch, hands in their laps as they softly talk to each other. Moments later, Seungcheol steps out, sitting a ways off from them but still along the shore, eyes focused on the rise and fall of the waves. Jeonghan looks back at Seungcheol for a long moment, only tearing his eyes away when Joshua’s voice reclaims his attention.

Chan watches on for a few moments longer before deciding to check on his leader. He pads his way down the stairs, past Jihoon, Minghao, and Mingyu huddled together watching some movie, past Seungkwan and Hansol picking up china from the table, and quietly out the back door.

Chan’s bare feet dig into the soft, cool sand as he makes his way over to Seungcheol. He notices that the leader sits at the edge of the shore, close enough that his toes are wet by the rising and falling tide but far enough that his toes are the only thing the water can reach. Chan pauses for a moment behind him before clearing his throat, alerting him of his presence.

The doe-eyed leader looks up and offers Chan a soft, serene smile. “Can I sit, hyung?” Chan asks, gesturing to the spot beside him. Seungcheol nods and focuses his gaze on the water again, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

The maknae wants to speak up, but perhaps he feels it isn’t his place. This space - the one Chan and Seokmin so carefully created for their hyungs to heal - isn’t meant for him to talk, but to listen. So when Seungcheol finally takes a breath and speaks, Chan carefully lends his ear.

“What you all did tonight - catching us out of nowhere and cornering us like that...it was harsh, Chan. I hope you know that.”

Chan swallows thickly and deflates. His lips part, an apology already at the tip of his tongue, but Seungcheol continues. “But I’m not angry at you two at all. I don’t think any of us could be. I know why you did it.” Seungcheol then turns his head to look at Chan with a regretful gaze. “It must’ve been really hard for you guys, watching your hyungs crumble the way we have over the past few weeks. I know you’d have never been comfortable putting us in that position if things weren’t affecting you all so badly.”

The younger offers Seungcheol a small, sad smile. “Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I think I’ve ever done - even harder than training. We meant no harm by organizing this. We just really wanted you to talk through things and work it out.”

Seungcheol nods softly and sighs. “You did what I would’ve done on any other occasion. I know I said it before, but it really feels like I failed you guys. I can’t stress how sorry I am.”

“Hyung, it’s okay, we’re not blaming you-”

“No, really. Chan, I put my own emotions and struggles over the good of the group as a whole. I failed you as a leader. It’s not okay, and you _should_ hold me accountable.”

Chan shakes his head adamantly, not one to budge so easily. “I don’t, and I’ll tell you why. You’re not just our leader. You’re our hyung, _our friend_. You’ve taken care of us all over the years, sacrificing your own strength to do it. You’re not invincible - none of you guys are. You’re human, hyung, and humans feel. We don’t blame you at all. All we wanted to do was take care of you guys this time.”

Seungcheol sighs and smiles. “When did you get all grown and mature like this, Lee Chan?”

Chan laughs and playfully pokes Seungcheol’s side. “Hyung, stop!”

The leader laughs, and Chan feels his chest fill with warmth at the sight. “It’s really good to see you smile again,” Chan says.

“It feels great, actually,” Seungcheol replies. “You know, I’m proud of you guys for pulling us together when it felt like there was no way back from everything. I don’t think we’ve ever had this much open honesty about our feelings as a group since we debuted.”

“Does it feel good to have let everything out?”

Seungcheol thinks for a moment before nodding. “It does. Kind of feels like the bag of bricks I’ve been lugging on my shoulders these weeks has finally gone away.” A moment of silence passes before the leader speaks up again, his tone laced with sympathy. “Are you okay? You know...after what Jihoon and Soonyoung confessed to us back there.”

Chan doesn’t answer right away, that same ineffable feeling tugging on his heart once more. “I think so. To be honest with you, hyung, I already knew about them.”

Seungcheol’s eyes turn wide as saucers. “You _did_?”

The maknae nods, sighing deeply. “I accidentally found out the day Jihoon-hyung came back after the blowout. He explained everything to me and begged me to keep it a secret from everyone, so I did.”

The leader closes his eyes for a moment, grimacing gently. “And you’ve been carrying that pain all alone, Channie?”

“Nothing like you keeping your feelings for Jeonghan-hyung secret for years...but yes. I guess I was,” Chan replies, zoning out a little as he watches the water before him. “Maybe I shouldn’t have, at least not after he outed me.”

“Outed you? What do you mean?” Seungcheol asks, alarm in his eyes.

Chan chews on the inside of his cheek, eyes meeting his leader’s. “He told Soonie-hyung about my feelings. I think he guessed it.”

Seungcheol’s lips part in shock. “Why would he- wait, so...Soonyoung knows you love him?”

“He knows I _like_ him. Anything more might ruin our friendship too much.”

Seungcheol shakes his head in confusion. “Why would Jihoon do that? It doesn’t make any sense to me...shit, Chan. I’m so sorry. I should’ve been there for you.”

“It’s okay! I know you were working through your own feelings. In any case, hyung and I are okay. We talked things out and decided that things wouldn’t change between us. I suppose it’s for the better, anyway. And I’m not angry at Jihoon-hyung. I just can’t figure out why he did it.” 

“I can talk to him, if you want-”

“No, please don’t. It’s okay. I don’t think I really want to know, honestly. I just want to move on,” Chan is quick to reassure the elder.

Seungcheol frowns, letting out a sigh but giving the younger a relenting nod. His eyes drift farther away to where Joshua and Jeonghan sit huddled together. “Then I guess we’ll be okay.”

Chan hesitates before finally asking the question eating at him. “Do you think they’ll fix things?”

Seungcheol swallows and looks away, eyes back on the ocean. “I know they will. Maybe not right away, but someday they will. There isn’t anything Hannie isn’t willing to work through with him. He’ll get Shua to come around. He always does.” His gaze is sad, shoulders slumped in defeat, and Chan once again sees that same hidden flash of hurt in his eyes. 

“There’s something you held back from everyone, isn’t there?” Chan asks. “I can see it.”

The leader doesn’t answer right away, chewing on his bottom lip in thought. He finally sighs and nods. “Jeonghan...he kissed me.”

Chan’s eyes widen in shock, a soft gasp escaping his lips. “He did?”

Seungcheol nods. “I found him in one of the company break rooms once. He was in tears. I tried to get him to open up and talk to me about what he was feeling so I could comfort him. Next thing I knew, he was pulling me in for a kiss. I was shocked at first, but then I just kind of fell into it. I couldn’t help myself, Channie. It was everything I could ever hope for, but it was just so wrong. The timing, the circumstances...it felt terrible. It suddenly hit me, and I managed to pull away. When I asked him why he did it, he insisted it was because he wanted to. He kissed me again, and fuck Channie, it was like heaven. I couldn’t…” Seungcheol trails off, voice cracking. Chan rubs his back softly, encouraging him to continue.

“I got carried away, and so did he. It started escalating, and only then could I bring myself to stop. He told me...he felt something. He said he wanted it. But that’s impossible, right Chan? I mean - he loves Joshua. How could he have possibly felt anything with me? So I told him he did want it, but with Joshua - not with me. Hannie just kept denying it. He tried to keep me from leaving, but I couldn’t handle it anymore. It just felt like the literal love of my life was just using me to forget someone else. It was just too much.”

Chan’s heart throbs with empathy for the elder. He wouldn’t be able to handle it either if Soonyoung were to use him to forget Jihoon. It would destroy him. He pulls Seungcheol into a side hug, tucking his head into the elder’s shoulder. “Hyung...I can’t believe you were carrying this all yourself.”

Seungcheol lets out a forced chuckle, wiping stray tears from his face. “After what you just told me? I guess we’re on the same boat, then.”

“What are you going to do?”

The leader lets out a long sigh, composing himself. “Well...nothing. What could I do?”

Chan frowns softly. “But what if he meant it? Hannie doesn’t take feelings very lightly. I don’t think he’d be the type to use you like that, hyung. He loves you. You’ve been his best friend all these years. He wouldn’t put that at risk just to work through his own feelings.”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “It just doesn’t make sense, Chan. The timing or circumstances. He was emotional and can’t have been thinking clearly. I was right there, and he missed Shua. That’s the only explanation that makes sense. Anything else would hurt too much to consider.”

The younger isn’t fully convinced. Knowing what he knows about Jeonghan, a part of him doubts that the elder would admit to something he didn’t feel. But he doesn’t push the topic, not wanting to upset Seungcheol again. He simply falls silent, offering his leader physical comfort.

A few minutes pass before Seungcheol speaks up again. “Tell me something. And promise you’ll be honest with me?”

Chan’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. He lifts his head from the elder’s shoulder, meeting his gleaming gaze, eyes reflecting the glow of the moon. “Okay, I promise...what is it?”

Seungcheol pauses before continuing. “What’s been going on between you and Seokmin?”

The question catches Chan off-guard, the maknae’s eyes widening and face flushing blood red with sheer embarrassment. “W-What?”

“You heard me. Is there something I should know?”

Chan swallows and looks away, giving his current relationship with the vocalist some thought. “Well...we’re close these days. Really close, I think, now that Soonie-hyung’s been kind of absent. He’s been really comforting and supportive. I guess we spend a lot more time together than we used to...uh, I’m not sure what you want me to say.”

Seungcheol watches him carefully. “I’m asking if there are feelings growing between you two.”

Chan stutters in shock. “What? Why would you think that, hyung?”

“Well, in observing you two at practice, for one, you two can’t stop giggling and joking around. Your eyes always seem to find each other no matter where you are in the room. When you sit together, your legs are touching from your thighs to your feet. You lean into each other more than anyone having a normal conversation would. And well...Chan, he kind of looks at you as if you personally hung all the stars in the sky. It’s kind of cute, really.”

Chan’s eyes widen. “What? Hyung, that’s so not true! How could you say that?”

Seungcheol cocks an eyebrow in amusement. “Oh? Then why have a couple of the other members noticed the exact same thing? You kids aren’t the only ones going around gossiping to each other, you know.”

The maknae huffs indignantly, frowning deeply. “Who said that? I’ll set them straight-”

“Hey now, a good investigator never names his sources! I’m just telling you what we’ve observed. Are you sure you’re being honest with yourself, Chan? I mean, I know how you feel about Soonyoung, but now I also know you’ve known about his feelings for Jihoon for a while. Are you sure you haven’t made a subconscious decision to move on?”

The younger falls silent, pondering Seungcheol’s words. Has he? He can’t deny the times he’s spent with Seokmin recently have made him feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Seokmin gives him the kind of comfort and safety he’s needed for a long time. He likes the way they fit together, whether it’s their hands swinging in the dark or their bodies curled against each other under Seokmin’s plush covers. Seokmin is generous with Chan, freely giving him his time, his songs, his comfort, and his bed. He shares his warmth and positivity with Chan, expecting nothing in return. Chan has found himself more often than not falling asleep to the sound of the elder’s honey-coated vocals and seeking him out in his free time. He can’t deny the way he gravitates toward Seokmin like a magnet. It’s almost as though some invisible force were pushing him toward Seokmin. 

Is Seungcheol right? Are there feelings involved?

Chan thinks of the way Seokmin’s cheeks have dusted pink whenever Chan has given him a compliment, or the intensity of his gaze when Chan opened up about his innate sexual urges. He finds himself re-analyzing every last one of Seokmin’s words and actions, searching to find a different meaning to them besides a solid, supportive friendship.

His mind drifts back to the night they ran into Soonyoung in the hallway, remembering the way Chan flinched away from Seokmin as though he’d been caught doing something wrong, something he should be hiding. He thinks of the way the two have always taken more isolated street routes, hidden their faces well, discreetly held pinkies by the river for fear of being seen. Chan thought it’d been to safeguard against hidden photographers or press. Was he wrong?

Did it all mean something more, and he was just too blind to see it?

Chan is left feeling more confused now than when Seungcheol initially asked his question.

“I…” Chan trails off at the sight of Joshua and Jeonghan standing up from their spot by the water. Seungcheol follows his gaze and notices them as well. Joshua pulls Jeonghan into a tight hug, the two swaying in their spot for a moment. They pull away, seeming ready to lean in for a kiss, but both seem to catch themselves quickly enough and step away from each other. Joshua is the first to turn and walk away, briefly catching Seungcheol and Chan’s gazes and smiling softly as he makes his way back to the house. Jeonghan watches him for a moment before he, too, is making his way back.

Except he’s not headed toward the house - he’s headed toward them.

Seungcheol swallows thickly, shoulders tensing slightly. Jeonghan gives the two a quick wave as he reaches them, seeming to have something on his mind.

“Hi guys, you two doing okay?” he asks softly, squatting down beside the two. 

Chan is quick to nod, while Seungcheol gives Jeonghan a weak smile that resembles an awful lot more like a grimace. “We’re okay,” Chan replies, smiling brightly at the elder.

Jeonghan smiles back, scrunching his nose cutely. “Good. Channie, would you mind if I steal Cheollie away from you for a bit?” he asks, eyes focusing on the leader as though looking for a sign of reluctance. Seungcheol seems relatively calm, save for the tension in his shoulders, so he looks to Seungcheol for confirmation as he replies. The leader nods softly, gentle smile on his lips to reassure the younger.

“Sure hyung, I was just getting ready to head back up. Don’t stay out too long! You might catch a cold!” he chirps as he bounces to his feet. 

“Don’t worry about us, Channie. You head on upstairs and get some rest. It’s been a long day,” Jeonghan replies, taking the spot where the maknae had just been sitting.

“Alright, goodnight hyungs,” he replies as he backs away, jogging back toward the house and rubbing his cold arms. _It really is cold out there_ , he thinks to himself.

The maknae turns to get one last look at the two elders and sighs, hoping for the best for them. But for now, he makes his way up the stairs, thoughts circling back to Seungcheol’s initial question. Thinking better of it, he understands why Seungcheol may have been questioning his relationship with Seokmin. Hell, now _he’s_ questioning it.

His mind is still going in circles as he enters his shared bedroom, halting suddenly in his tracks at the sight of Seokmin shuffling around the room, getting ready for bed. He seems to have just gotten out of the shower, hair dripping water droplets around the carpeted floor as he moves around. Seokmin is shirtless, water dripping down his sun-kissed skin and a towel wrapped lowly around his hips. Chan finds himself swallowing thickly, eyes trailing down Seokmin’s toned body.

 _Well this is new_. And it shouldn’t be because hell, Chan is sick and _tired_ of seeing Seokmin’s naked body - all of the members’ naked bodies, for that matter. They’ve all showered together at some point or another, have lived in the same dorm for over five years, and constantly watch each other change from one outfit to another behind the scenes of concerts, music show broadcasts, interviews, and variety show appearances. 

Seokmin’s body is not a new sight... _but the way he’s seeing it at this current moment might be._

The maknae hears Seungcheol’s voice echo in his head once again.

_Are you sure you’re being honest with yourself, Chan?_

And right now, Chan doesn’t have an answer.

Seokmin turns around as he picks up a pair of gray sweatpants from his suitcase and finally notices Chan. He startles, jumping back a little and just barely catching the towel beginning to unravel from his hips just in time to save it from slipping and pooling at his ankles. “Shit! You scared me!” he exclaims, free hand over his heart as he begins to laugh awkwardly.

_Because why wouldn’t he be awkward, Chan? He just caught you gaping at him like a creepy fucking idiot radiating horny teen vibes!_

Chan blinks and awkwardly clears his throat. “Sorry, hyung! Um...I just didn’t realize you’d be up here already!”

Seokmin laughs and cocks his head a little, securing the towel around his hips again. “Already? It’s past eleven, Channie! We’re heading back to Seoul early in the morning!”

The maknae realizes just then how incredibly stupid he must sound. “Oh...right. Time really flew then, I guess!” he replies a little too chipperly, stepping into the room and making a beeline for the bathroom because _fuck, he needs to get his burning cheeks under control now._

He can hear Seokmin chuckle in response as he closes the door. Cringing at himself, he grips the edge of the porcelain sink and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment. _Get it together, Chan! Get it together! He’s your best friend! You’re not a horny teenager anymore! You’ve all that and way more over the years! Get a grip!_

Chan inhales and exhales slowly, groaning softly as his mind keeps circling and circling around what Seungcheol said. The leader had implied that other members have seen a change in his and Seokmin’s friendship these days as well. How could so many other people see a difference besides _him_?

A part of him suddenly wonders if Soonyoung’s seen something there too. His mind flashes back to the strange look on his face the night he’d caught Seokmin and Chan returning from the company building late at night, hands interlocked. _What else have the others seen?_

He shakes his head, willing himself to snap out of his thoughts. _Now is really not the time, Lee Chan_. So he busies himself with hopping into the shower and brushing his teeth, trying to focus on literally _anything_ besides his best friend on the other side of the door. The way he’s probably dropped the towel by now, drying off the droplets of water trailing down his toned ab-

“No!” Chan hisses - perhaps a little louder than he should’ve. He gasps, eyes wide as he clamps his hands over his mouth and groans. _What the hell is happening?_

He decides to occupy his mind by making random acrostic poems in his head, scoffing at himself for having to resort to such a task in order to keep his thoughts out of the gutter. 

To Chan’s instant relief, Seokmin is already tucked into bed and looking cozy in a pair of fuzzy pajama pants and a light pink pullover hoodie by the time he comes out of the bathroom with his signature eyebrow glasses on. Rather than dripping wet, Seokmin’s hair is now fluffy from the blow dryer sitting at the end of the bed. Chan picks it up and starts drying off his own wet hair as Seokmin rubs his palms together and gently pats toner into his face.

“Were you talking to yourself in there?” Seokmin asks with a playful grin.

Chan is quick to shake his head. “No! I just dropped something in the shower!”

“Oh weird, I didn’t hear anything -”

“It fell on my foot, that’s why,” Chan replies, proud of himself for thinking so quickly on his feet while also internally laughing at himself for even being in the position to have to lie right now.

“Oh no!” Seokmin’s soft lips pout and instantly turn downward in a sad little parenthesis. “Be careful, Channie!” Chan only laughs nervously and nods, continuing to dry his hair as much as possible before calling it a night.

“The hyungs seem so much happier now, don’t they?” Seokmin asks, a satisfied smile spreading across his face and turning up the corners of his eyes cutely.

“They do! I’m so glad we did this, hyung. It really did work out for the better.”

“It was all your idea, Channie. You’re a genius! And you did so well out there. I’m so proud.”

Chan finds himself instantly blushing with Seokmin’s praise. “No, are you kidding me? I broke down out there! I was supposed to keep it together but I failed. I was so embarrassed.”

Seokmin turns serious instantly, eyebrows furrowing as he pauses in applying his eye cream. “Lee Chan, there is no reason for you to feel embarrassed. It was difficult for all of us. You’ve kept yourself together so well this last month. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having gotten emotional tonight. If anything, I think that triggered the hyungs to break past their discomfort and unwillingness to talk and finally get things out there. Being emotional and crying does not make you weak, Channie. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”

Chan looks for the joke in what Seokmin is saying, the _haha, kidding_ moment, or even the smallest hint of a smirk on his face. When he doesn’t find one, his heart both shrivels and expands at the exact same time with some unfamiliar feeling he can’t quite place. “You mean that?” Chan asks hesitantly, tossing the blow dryer into his suitcase and crawling into the spot on the bed next to Seokmin. “You don’t think I’m weak?”

The elder is quick to open his arms for Chan, tucking the younger into his side and pressing a soft kiss to the crown of his head. “I think you are incredible, Chan. You’re strong and determined. You never let anything get in the way of what you really want, and your emotions only add to the incredible complexity I see in you, Channie. I could never think you’re weak. You stood up to the hyungs in a way no one ever has before. You challenged them, and you let yourself break down in front of them despite probably feeling exposed. I’m in awe of you.”

Chan closes his eyes and lets Seokmin’s words since into every last crevice of his mind and body. He feels a surge of electricity course through his veins, his skin burn red hot, and a warm, fluttering feeling in his chest expanding and expanding and expanding -

Before he can really register what he’s saying, the words are escaping his lips. “I don’t deserve you, hyung,” he replies softly, looking up shyly from under his fringe to meet Seokmin’s honey-coated gaze. “You’re just so good to me...and I don’t deserve you.”

Seokmin frowns in confusion, gently running his fingers through Chan’s damp black hair. It takes everything the younger has to not hum in contentment at the feeling. He nuzzles his cheek into Seokmin’s chest as the elder holds him close. “Why do you say that? I don’t understand.”

Chan takes a deep breath, nose filling with the smell of strawberries and cream. He can’t understand why suddenly each of his senses feel so heightened, thoughts sticky and slow, caught in warm, sweet honey. Unable to sort properly through his hazy thoughts, he finds himself wondering whether Seokmin _tastes_ as sweet as he sounds.

This is bad. This is really bad. Chan struggles to piece words together, weave together an answer that would explain why he’s just told Seokmin that he doesn’t deserve him. He can only really think of one, and perhaps it’s not exactly what he means - but it’s close enough.

“I feel like...I take so much from you, but I don’t think I give a lot back. So I don’t deserve you.”

Seokmin lets out a small laugh, speaking against the top of Chan’s head. One arm remains wrapped around Chan’s waist, while the other tilts his chin up gently. “I don’t expect anything from you, Channie. You’re my dongsaeng. I _want_ to give you the best of me.”

And maybe Chan is in a weird headspace he can’t quite comprehend, or maybe Seokmin means a little more than what his words let on. Somewhere, Chan thinks there might be an implication - an invitation? For what? _What are you doing to me, Seokmin?_

Like gumdrops and candy floss - Chan can almost taste the sugar crystals on his lips. Lee Seokmin is just so damn _sweet_. It’s driving him crazy.

Chan doesn’t know whether it’s the confusion from his earlier conversation with Seungcheol settling in, the slowly overpowering sense of vulnerability building inside of him, or the warm, safe aura that seems to surround Seokmin all the time that pushes him to act. All he knows is that there is suddenly something there, in the pit of his stomach and spreading in his chest, and he wants to know what it is. So Chan picks his head up from Seokmin’s chest and meets his gaze tentatively, their faces only a couple of inches apart. He can hear the way the elder’s breath hitches in his throat and registers the way Seokmin can’t seem to draw in another breath.

The younger watches Seokmin’s warm, brown eyes drop down to his lips. A fluttering heat fills his insides as he watches the way the elder licks his lower lip nervously. 

_I wonder how you taste. Sweet like honey? Tart like Sour Patch? Rich like chocolate?_

Suddenly, Chan is extremely self-aware, knowing well what this closeness is doing to his hyung. And yet, a part of him - perhaps a very primal instinct suppressed for so many years - now relishes in it. It is now, in this very moment, that Chan realizes just how much more he wants to be looked at this way—perhaps even all the time. It’s a burn he can’t quite contain, guiding his next actions before his brain can catch up and pull the emergency brake on him.

“Hyung,” Chan whispers, minty breath lightly fanning Seokmin’s face. The vocalist’s eyes return to meet Chan’s own, and the maknae almost squirms at the sudden intensity of Seokmin’s gaze. He’s never seen this kind of look on him before—eyes dark, pupils dilated, cheeks flushed, and pink lips wet. Chan can feel Seokmin’s arm tighten ever so slightly around his waist, and in a split second he makes his decision. 

Whether he’ll come to regret it in the future or not, he hasn’t the slightest clue. But this is now, and Seokmin is here seeing him for what he is—not as an overgrown kid, but as a _man_. 

And as a man, Chan can only resist his urges so much. 

Chan leans in slightly, just enough so that his words fan over Seokmin’s lips. “Well in that case...there’s something that I need, hyung, and you’re the only one who can help me with it.”

Seokmin swallows thickly, visibly affected by the younger’s proximity. He inhales a sharp breath, blinking slowly. “And what’s that, Channie?” 

The younger doesn’t say a word, but his movements are far from quiet. Chan pulls off his glasses, setting them aside and closes the distance, lips ghosting over Seokmin’s before leaving a soft kiss at the corner of his mouth. Chan’s hold on Seokmin’s hip grows firmer, and without giving it much thought, he loops his right leg over Seokmin’s body and straddles him.

Chan almost panics and retreats at the shock that instantly comes over Seokmin’s face. But then a certain heat twists in his stomach as he watches Seokmin’s shock turn into something much, much deeper—something he can’t even put into words. It’s a gaze that now threatens to consume him alive, and Chan almost wriggles in delight.

Seokmin’s tone becomes deeper and huskier, much unlike his normal vocalist voice. It’s almost as though Seokmin becomes a completely different person much unlike his usual comedic and upbeat self. The elder has never shown this side of him before, and Chan finds a certain thrill in being the first - and perhaps only member - to see it. “Lee Chan, what do you think you’re doing?” he asks softly, breath audibly more shallow than before. His voice is still soft and sweet like warm honey, but this time with a slight lemony zing - a challenge. Chan _likes_ challenges.

The maknae can feel his initial hesitation and worry begin to fade away, replaced with something much more determined. Rather than apprehensive, he suddenly feels confident, strong, _worthy_. Chan cocks an eyebrow, a small smirk beginning to turn up the corner of his lips. “Mm...well what do you think, hyung? I’m seducing you.” Chan leans in to whisper straight into Seokmin’s ear, one hand on his neck and the other on his shoulder. “Is it working?”

And if the sudden poke of Seokmin’s manhood against his thigh is anything to go by, Chan might have to call his spontaneous experiment a success. Seokmin makes a soft, almost timid sound, eyes drooping closed. “You have no idea,” he replies breathlessly.

“Then kiss me, hyung,” Chan whispers, hand on Seokmin’s neck now cupping his cheek and thumb gently tracing his soft lips. His eyes zero in on the elder’s lips once again, and now his craving for Seokmin’s sugar becomes frustratingly desperate. “I need you to kiss me.”

Seokmin lets out what sounds like a strangled whimper and finally closes the small distance. His lips move almost greedily, against Chan’s—as if he’d been suppressing a painful hunger for the younger for the longest time. Chan gasps and lets out a soft moan into Seokmin’s mouth, hand on his shoulder now tugging lightly on the elder’s brown locks. The vocalist hums in contentment, letting Chan know just how much he likes the feeling. The kiss is sloppy, messy, and ridden with inexperience. Their teeth clack a couple of times until the two manage to find a certain rhythm and pace that works. Once they do, Chan feels like he’s entered heaven.

_Better than honey, better than candy. Sugary sweet, like a teenage dream._

Chan’s legs wrap completely around Seokmin’s frame, bulge now painfully restrained by the fabric of his sweatpants. He presses his body closer to Seokmin’s, searching for some kind of friction between them. The movement seems to rub Seokmin in just the right way, as the elder suddenly gasps and bites Chan’s lip clumsily.

The younger lets out a tiny yelp, briefly pulling away and staring at Seokmin with wide eyes. He lightly swipes his thumb over his lip, instantly noticing a drop of blood smeared on his finger. Seokmin’s own eyes shoot open, and flustered apologies are instantly tumbling past his lips.

“Shit, Chan, you’re bleeding! Shit, shit, I’m so sorry Channie! I don’t know what I was thinking! I got really carried away, but that’s no excuse for hurting you. I’m so, so sorry—“

Chan is quick to shake his head, frowning and pressing his index finger against Seokmin’s lips. The elder stares at him almost comically, eyes wide as saucers and lips puckered, words having been abruptly cut off. “No, no it’s okay. I don’t care. Just...keep going.” Chan says, running his tongue over his bottom lip to ease the sting and leaning in again.

Seokmin frowns, pulling back slightly and regarding the younger with a regretful look. He seems reluctant once again, as if just realizing he’s made a grave mistake. “But Channie, I hurt you—“

“Trust me, it’s okay!” Chan is quick to reassure. “I’m alright, I just wasn’t expecting it. Now do you want to stop apologizing and finish what you started, hyung?” he challenges, easy smirk returning as he cocks an eyebrow in interest. “I’m not a very patient person, you know.”

The elder remains frozen for a moment before letting out a soft, almost frustrated groan. “Lee Chan, you might just be the death of me,” Seokmin replies before kissing Chan deeply once again, hands now behind his neck and pulling him impossibly closer. This time, Chan feels their initial discomfort and reservations disintegrate. They’re used to the feeling of each other, now moving at a pace much less clumsy and inexperienced than before. Chan feels like they know each other now, and something about that knowledge causes a small bubble of happiness to linger warmly in his chest. Chan parts his lips, letting Seokmin tentatively explore uncharted territories with his tongue. The kiss feels messy again for a moment before Seokmin rediscovers his new rhythm. Chan is patient and willing, the thrill of learning something new - something way beyond what his idol skill sets could ever teach him - making his heart beat faster. 

Chan’s body seems to seek more and more of Seokmin’s warmth, leaning in closer and closer until their chests are pressed against each other. Seokmin pulls away for a brief moment before leaning back in, this time parting his own lips hesitantly. Chan takes it as yet another learning opportunity the elder is offering him, tongue slipping into Seokmin’s mouth and _fuck, if his lips were sweet, his whole mouth is pure candy floss_. Seokmin hums in content underneath Chan, hands slipping under his hoodie and running gently over the younger’s warm skin. 

Chan shivers at the sensation, feeling the heat in the pit of his stomach continue to grow and grow until he can feel himself rutting against Seokmin. The elder moans and squirms, grip on the younger’s bare waist tightening slightly. 

“Hyung...” Chan moans breathlessly between heated kisses. “Need more...please,” he begs, burning for something more than just the feeling of rubbing against Seokmin’s body.

“It’s alright, Channie, I’ve got you. Hyung will take care of you,” Seokmin replies, eyes softening slightly at the sound of the maknae’s needy pleading. Seokmin’s hands pull Chan’s sweatpants down his thighs just enough to expose his throbbing cock straining against his underwear. Chan lets out a needy whine the moment Seokmin palms at his bulge, bucking into his hand on instinct. The elder smiles softly into their kiss and slides his hand under the waistband of Chan’s underwear, taking the younger’s cock into his hands and beginning to work on it thoroughly. 

Chan gasps and hisses loudly, breaking away to throw his head back in ecstasy. His thighs quiver and tighten around Seokmin’s hips, fingers digging into the elder’s shoulders to stay somewhat grounded. Seokmin presses soft kisses to Chan’s neck and nuzzles the sensitive spots, adding to Chan’s stimulation. “You’re doing so well, Channie. Let it out, it’s okay.”

And Chan does—his swollen lips part, moans and whines of pleasure escaping and filling Seokmin’s ears with the melodic sound. Tears run down Chan’s face at the feeling of Seokmin’s hand twisting and pumping his cock, thumb pressing and teasing his slit. The younger gasps and inadvertently pulls back on Seokmin’s hair a little rougher than intended. 

“Shit,” Seokmin breathes, and Chan could swear the elder becomes impossibly harder.

Through his own cloud of ecstasy and pleasure, Chan’s hand trails down from Seokmin’s shoulder down his body, reaching and undoing the ties on Seokmin’s pajama pants. The elder’s breath hitches in the younger’s ear at the feeling of Chan’s hand slipping under his them, wrapping around his own throbbing erection and pumping the way he’s done on himself before. 

“Y-You don’t have to Chan...I’m okay with just taking care of you,” Seokmin says softly, biting down hard on his own bottom lip when Chan flicks his wrist a certain way that makes the elder whine and see stars.

Chan pauses in his movements, face flushed and eyes cloudy. His skin now glistens with a thin sheen of sweat, droplets building along his hairline. The younger shakes his head slowly. “No, I want to, hyung. We can...we can take care of each other,” he replies, a glint of excitement in his eyes. Through his thick haze of pleasure, Chan offers Seokmin a soft, reassuring smile before bringing their lips together again, coaxing his hyung out of his reluctance.

The elder finally relents and kisses Chan back just as feverishly, skin burning under Chan’s touch. The two manage to figure out a perfect rhythm, a push and pull that never leaves one wanting for more. It’s a perfectly balanced dance, just like they are. Chan takes, Seokmin gives, and just when the younger is at the edge, he reels back and gives for Seokmin to take. 

It’s at this moment that everything clicks into place in Chan’s head. Seungcheol’s words, the strange, unnamed feelings he’d felt growing between him and his hyung, the hidden, shy touches and caresses, the soft songs hummed into his ear at night, and the invisible pull he’s been feeling toward the elder over the past several weeks. It’s nothing he can quite put into words, especially when Seokmin is touching him the way he is right now, but he can feel it.

It’s a soft, warm hum. Nothing like the raging, fiery burn he feels in Soonyoung’s presence - _never like that_ \- but it’s something. And something is better than nothing, right?

So for a moment, Chan gives in. As can only happen in Seokmin’s warm, comforting presence, Chan lets go of his wild, conflicting thoughts and reservations about Soonyoung. The unit leader fades from his mind as he focuses on giving and taking everything he can from Seokmin. His fingers dig into Seokmin’s shoulder as he gasps and moans, every one of Seokmin’s whimpers sending ripples of pleasure down his spine. 

Chan buries his face in the elder’s neck, feeling himself just on the verge of climax. His free hand begins to wander, traveling from Seokmin’s hair down his back and under the hem of his shirt. Seokmin shivers at Chan’s touch on his hot, bare skin and pulls the younger impossibly closer, as if by proximity alone their bodies would stop being two and simply become one.

It’s an ineffable feeling, the one that comes over Chan as Seokmin brings him higher and higher. He’s come enough times on his own, by his own hand, but someone else pleasing him the way Seokmin is? This is a kind of ecstasy Chan could easily become addicted to, like a drug or some unshakeable bad habit. It’s the kind of euphoria that leaves his body trembling and toes curling, lips babbling incoherent words as release edges itself closer and closer.

Chan doesn’t have to see Seokmin to know the elder is feeling the exact same way. The soft pants and high pitched moans escaping his throat are enough of an indicator. Something about the sounds squeezing their way past Seokmin’s reddened, swollen lips makes Chan want to work harder, edge Seokmin closer. It should be noted that he has literally _no fucking idea_ what he’s doing, but a part of him figures that pure, raw instinct has led him on the right track. 

Chan has always learned by doing. Even in dance, Chan’s skill sets have increased astronomically simply by watching Soonyoung and mimicking him on the dance floor. The expressions, the confidence, the sharp, cutting movements, the flow and flexibility, the energy, the charisma - every aspect of his dance has come from tireless practice, lots of experimentation, and working alongside Soonyoung and the other performance team members. So he isn’t surprised by the fact that the more he experiments - a flick of the wrist here, a twist there, varying degrees of hair tugging, and a kiss to this spot versus that one - the more the elder seems to unravel in his hands like frayed strings coming off of torn fabric. That knowledge alone sits in Chan’s chest with a sense of pride and confidence. He wants to show more, learn more, give more, take more - 

He wants Seokmin to praise him. And that realization sucks the breath out of him in one fell swoop. Because the only other person he’s ever physically _needed_ praise from is Soonyoung.

Chan picks his head up from Seokmin’s neck and tugs his hair lightly, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he takes in Seokmin’s face. He can see just how big of an effect he’s having on the elder now, and it makes his stomach flip and belly curl. Steady streams of tears running down Seokmin’s flushed, tanned cheeks. Red, swollen lips. Dark, dilated eyes. Beads of sweat build up on his hairline and dampen the roots of his dark hair. Pretty. Seokmin looks so, so _pretty_. 

“Fuck hyung,” Chan breathes. “You’re s-so pretty...Want to watch you break apart.” 

Seokmin groans loudly as Chan tugs on his hair. “Channie...your mouth- oh _god_ …”

“Am I doing well, hyung?” Chan pants, needing to hear Seokmin say the words he’s looking for.

Seokmin nods quickly. “Amazing, you’re doing so amazing, Channie,” he chokes out in reply, voice an octave higher than usual. “You’re incredible... _a star_.”

Seokmin’s words instantly send Chan over the edge.

The maknae gasps and lets out a loud whine, thighs locking tightly around Seokmin’s frame and eyes squeezing shut as his orgasm hits him like a truck going ninety on a freeway. “Hyung, fuck, fuck, oh fuck!” he almost yells, hand tightening around Seokmin’s cock and body shuddering as he finally comes into Seokmin’s hand. The extra tightness and the sight of Chan climaxing seem to have the same effect on the elder; a moment later, Seokmin is biting back a high-pitched cry, burying his face in Chan’s neck as he comes all over himself and Chan, body trembling and soft sobs escaping his lips as he starts coming down from his high.

Chan works on catching his breath, finding himself running his fingers through Seokmin’s sweaty hair to calm down the elder, just as Seokmin would do for him. He’s suddenly left with so many more questions. What does this mean for them? Does it mean anything? What roles do the two fall into in this sort of situation? Are there even given roles? What are they even _doing_?

The feeling of Seokmin’s arm wrapping around his frame and hugging him tightly pulls Chan out of his thoughts. He supposes none of it matters in this moment - not when Seokmin is clinging onto him like a lifeline while crying into his neck. _Crying? Wait, no what-_

“Hyung? Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Chan asks worriedly, voice still a little shaky from his high. His fingers continue combing through Seokmin’s hair gently even as the elder nods into his neck. He can’t find the words to answer, and maybe that’s okay.

Maybe words just aren’t needed right now.

After his cries die down and his body has stopped shaking, Seokmin picks his head up from Chan’s shoulder and flushes red in embarrassment. He uses his clean hand to dry his tears, and Chan instantly moves to help, using his sweatshirt paw to dry his cheeks. “I-I’m sorry, I just-”

“Don’t apologize,” Chan replies with a soft smile and hooded eyes. “That was a lot, wasn’t it?”

Seokmin swallows and shakes his head. “Not exactly. I just...I wasn’t expecting it. I mean, it’s so different when you do it yourself than when someone does it for you. I think I got overwhelmed.”

“In a bad way?” Chan is quick to ask, eyes round and wide with worry.

The elder shakes his head, breaking out into his signature bright grin. His watery eyes curl upward into cute little crescents. “In the best way possible.”

Chan feels the same warm hum in his chest from earlier and can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. “I’m glad we did this, hyung. Really.”

Seokmin sighs and nods. “Me too. Now come on, let’s clean this mess up. I’d rather us not get murdered by Mama Boo for making a mess on her guest bed.”

Chan giggles. “Is that your worry? Not even her finding out what we did?”

“I have a funny feeling she’s not new to the concept,” he replies, shooting Chan a wink. The younger stifles back a loud laugh, the thought of her knowing about Seungkwan and Hansol’s relationship crossing his mind.

“You think that’s the real reason why they took that random trip here alone that time? To make things official with Kwannie-hyung’s family?” Chan asks as the two crawl out of bed unsteadily and quickly make their way to the guest bathroom, shedding their dirty clothes in the process.

Seokmin shrugs, smirking playfully as the two begin to wash off and change into clean clothes. Chan can sense a change; the air between him and Seokmin seems to be charged with wonder, excitement, curiosity, and tension. It feels as though they’ve grown indescribably closer, almost inseparable. Every experience and moment spent together with Seokmin has led up to this and leaves an air of both uncertainty and familiarity between the two. 

Chan learns that Seokmin is careful and thorough in his after-care. He makes sure he and Chan are clean and fresh, constantly asking the younger if he’s okay. He even helps a still unsteady Chan into his clean sweatpants and then back into bed, tucking him in. Chan whines in protest. “Ahh, you don’t have to do that! I’m not a kid, hyung!”

A tiny smirk plays at the corner of Seokmin’s lips as he finishes pulling the covers over Chan’s body. “Trust me, I know,” the elder replies, and the implication makes his ears redden instantly.

Chan curls into Seokmin’s side the moment he crawls under the covers on his own side of the bed. Seokmin easily wraps an arm around Chan’s waist, pulling him closer. Chan rests his head on Seokmin’s chest, the elder’s sweatshirt soft under his cheek. This kind of closeness between them would normally be routine, almost expected, when sharing the same bed. But it feels different tonight, warm and right. Chan can feel their dynamic shift into something else. It’s no longer a soft, bubbly friendship, but also nowhere near the fiery passion between two lovers.

So Chan falls fast asleep on Seokmin’s chest with this thought: _Perhaps it doesn’t matter_. For now, all he knows is the sound of chirping cicadas and the sweet taste of honey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yell at me in the comment section - please let me know how i'm doing and how you're liking the story progression! 
> 
> in case anyone would like to interact more with me my twt is @horanghit <3 
> 
> REMINDER TO STREAM DINO'S DANCEOLOGIES !!!! <3


	18. [jeonghan] how can i even love the heartbreak when you're the one i love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jeonghan finally talks things through with Joshua and Seungcheol, and decisions are made.
> 
> title from "How can I love the heartbreak, you're the one I love" - AKMU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter concludes this first half of this book. the second half of this book will really use all of the characters' qualities, relationships, struggles, and experiences that i've set up in this first half to advance the plot line that will primarily focus on soonyoung, chan, and seokmin (with smaller side plots as well)! EXCITING!!!
> 
> in this chapter i really wanted to play with the idea of self-deception, or the idea of telling yourself something over and over until it becomes true, even if it is inherently a lie - keep a lookout for where that might be present throughout! i hope this chapter captures the nature of the 95 liners well enough. thinking deeply about it, this is truly what i felt was the right and only way for things between the three of them to go. 
> 
> i strongly encourage you to play "how can i love the heartbreak, you're the one i love" on a loop throughout this chapter for real emotional effect !!

Jeonghan doesn’t need to ask Joshua to talk. The two meet each other’s gazes once across the dinner table, and he just _knows_ Joshua understands. It’s one of the most mysterious and filling aspects of their bond, forged naturally over so many years of living together and sharing the same burdens. He is thankful for this more than ever now, as approaching Joshua later in front of the others would bring on an unbearable level of self-consciousness that he isn’t quite ready to face. 

Despite the honesties shared tonight, Jeonghan still holds onto many reservations. There are things he is still afraid of doing in front of the other members, still so many things he is afraid to say. He’s forgiven Jihoon from the bottom of his heart, finally gotten past the hurt the younger inflicted on him, but still, he doubts if things can ever quite be the same. It’s a gnawing worry that manages to pester him incessantly throughout the entirety of their dinner, even as his members throw their heads back in laughter at another story Mama Boo tells. Even as he laughs along with them, revels in the sudden lightness of his shoulders from the lack of burden, he still worries.

Jeonghan steps out onto the porch after dinner, the sound of buzzing conversation now made background to the waves washing over the Jeju shore, retiring before returning. It’s a cycle that soothes him, assuages some of the nerves clawing at his stomach, threatening to make Jeonghan bend at the waist and heave what little dinner he was able to reasonably swallow down without making himself sick.

The door opens and closes softly behind him, and without even looking back, Jeonghan senses Joshua’s calming, grounding presence. His soft, familiar smell of cashmere and rose just barely reaches his nose. Jeonghan inhales deeply, wanting more of that gentle familiarity before turning to face his ex-boyfriend.

Joshua watches him intently, a tiny crease between his eyebrows. “You barely ate, Hannie,” he observes, sounding more like a question and less like a simple remark.

Jeonghan smiles serenely, a little sideways, as he gently shrugs. “Wasn’t very hungry.”

The American doesn’t reply, but the glimmer of resigned understanding in his big, bright eyes tells Jeonghan that he knows why. How could Jeonghan force down a dinner of Boo proportions when he could barely hold down half of a banana a couple of weeks ago? So instead, Joshua steps closer, hand twitching to reach out to him. He seems to catch himself, however, and retreats his hand before it can make it very far. The distance between them is an ache Jeonghan instantly feels tug on his heart, but still, he understands. He always does.

“Let’s talk?” Jeonghan asks, tilting his head toward the seashore. Joshua hesitates for a moment before giving him a little nod, gesturing for Jeonghan to follow.

The two walk barefoot along the seashore in a comfortable silence, the cold waves gently washing over their feet cyclically. The quiet helps Jeonghan gather his thoughts and sort them before talking to Joshua. There just seems to be so many things he wants to say and yet has none of the right words to say them.

Joshua stops a good distance from the house, turning to face Jeonghan. Hesitantly, he reaches for his hand and pulls him down, sitting on the cool sand. Jeonghan lets himself be pulled down, forcing himself to ignore the jolt of electricity he could swear he feels at Joshua’s touch. It is nowhere near an unfamiliar feeling, but not quite one he deserves to have. Not when along with Joshua, someone else in particular has been circling his mind nonstop. 

The two sit in silence for a moment, Jeonghan searching for the right way to begin. Luckily, Joshua is the first to speak up. “In case you’re wondering, I really meant what I said back there. About what you mean to me.”

Jeonghan takes in a deep breath, swallowing thickly. “I know you did.” And he means it. He knows Joshua better than Joshua knows himself. Jeonghan never once doubted how the American felt about him. It’s the rest - the running away, the giving up - that he needs to unpack.

“Just...tell me one thing, Joshuji. And you’ll be honest with me?” Joshua is quick to nod, meeting Jeonghan’s stormy gaze. “Was there something else I could’ve done to help after what happened with Jihoon? Could I have done better?” And it’s truly a question that has plagued him for weeks. He did everything he could possibly think of doing - begged Joshua to let him into his bedroom and talk to him, sat outside his door for hours despite not hearing a peep out of him, prepared him his favorite food that somehow remained untouched the entire night, gave him space, came back, offered him hugs, cuddles, and a shoulder to cry on, texted him positive messages, _waited_ \- only for Joshua to end their relationship the following morning over a simple text. So Jeonghan wondered - did Joshua push him away because he missed something? 

Joshua shakes his head. “Absolutely not. You did everything you could. Don’t think that way.”

Jeonghan frowns. He expected that answer, which still doesn’t put his mind at ease. If anything, Joshua’s answer now begs the question, “Then why shut me out? I still don’t fully understand. You thought you were doing the right thing by ending things with me, but you didn’t even give me a chance to convince you otherwise. You didn’t even let me be there for you, relationship or not. You pushed me away...and that was the worst thing I’ve ever felt in my life.”

His chest hurts as he watches Joshua’s expression fall, guilt and shame written in his features. He hates knowing he’s made Joshua feel this way again, but he just needs to understand. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to move on from this fully until he does. “I just...the truth is that I just couldn’t see you.”

Jeonghan’s eyes sting. _Ouch. That hurt._

“Seeing you would remind me of everything that at the time I thought was wrong with me, and after the things Jihoon said to us, the last thing I wanted was to be reminded of why he said those things in the first place. It wasn’t something you did or didn’t do that made me shut you out, Hannie. It was just _you_.”

Jeonghan swallows and nods slowly, attempting to ignore the growing ache in his chest. “And now? Do you still feel that way, after what we talked about as a group?”

Joshua shakes his head again. “I don’t. Not at all,” he replies, and for now, it’s enough. Jeonghan lets his line of questioning go, opting to look out at the water for a moment.

“Do you feel differently at all about me now?” Joshua asks softly, like a scared, insecure child.

Jeonghan doesn’t think twice about his answer. “I could never. You know I love you in every sense of the word.” And still, the singer can’t help but feel a heavy, unspoken _but_ in the air. He isn’t sure what would follow it, but it’s there like a cloud looming over the pair’s heads. 

“...But?” He supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. Joshua has always been able to read him like an open book. He wasn’t Jeonghan’s boyfriend for nothing, after all.

Jeonghan doesn’t answer right away, searching for the proper words to express what he’s feeling. It’s hard - this inexplicable mixture of disillusionment, longing, and loss in his chest. “But...I feel like I lost a part of you that I can’t get back - not now, and maybe not ever.”

A few seconds go by before Joshua speaks up. “I’m still the same Joshuji. I’m still _me_.”

“Just not _mine_ ,” Jeonghan concludes, throat now tight. And to this, Joshua has no reply.

The sound of the patio door opening and closing draws the two’s attention. Jeonghan’s breath catches in his throat at the sight of Seungcheol, and for a moment, he forgets who and where he is. Seungcheol’s eyes meet his, and for a moment, the world stops spinning.

Until Seungcheol looks away, sitting alone by the shore, seemingly lost in his thoughts.

Jeonghan can’t quite tear his eyes away. The sight of his best friend, alone and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, causes his heart to shrivel into a useless pulp in his chest. He instantly burns to reach out, to hold him tight and chase away every last ounce of blame and guilt, but Joshua speaks again, and it’s like Jeonghan were yanked back to the present world - the world in which Joshua Hong, his other best friend, soulmate, and love, exists. And in that pull back, a sense of foreboding grips at his chest. Joshua must feel it too, if the worry creasing his brows is any indicator. Still, he forces himself to ask the question on both their minds.

“What does this mean for us?” Joshua asks. Jeonghan turns back to him, eyes searching his face, calculating, reading, analyzing. Joshua is hopeful but realistic, eyes betraying a sense of calm, albeit reluctant, acceptance. His body seems relaxed yet still somewhat guarded, as though gearing himself up for something. Jeonghan ponders the question. While in any other time and circumstance, he wouldn’t second guess asking Joshua if they could start over, get back together, relearn each other’s minds and hearts from top to bottom... this is their present. And in this present, Joshua is still working through a massive identity crisis, Jeonghan is still grappling with the aftereffects of a month-long state of intense anxiety and the earth-shaking realization that he’s also in love with his other best friend, an upcoming dome tour still lingers over their heads, and the group’s bonds with each other have only just begun to heal.

So it’s only when Jeonghan finally processes all these things and answers that he realizes what Joshua had been steadying himself for. “I think...I think what all this means that now just isn’t the right time for us,” he replies slowly, the words tasting bitter on his tongue. “You need time to work through your internal battles, and I need time to reevaluate how I feel after everything and take care of myself. We can’t afford to be codependent anymore - not when the others need us.”

Joshua catches his bottom lip between his teeth and nods gently. “I suppose you’re right,” he whispers, words almost carried away with the wind.

Jeonghan swallows. “That doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you, Joshuji. I won’t ever stop.” And he means it, he really does. A love like theirs isn’t one Jeonghan can simply let go of and forget, no matter how conflicted he might feel over Joshua or Seungcheol right now. 

His love for Joshua is perhaps the sole thing he’s ever been certain of in his entire life.

Joshua allows himself the tiniest of smiles. “Me neither, Hannie. You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Jeonghan feels a wave of comfort wash over him at Joshua’s words, and he finds himself reaching for Joshua’s hand. Joshua closes his hand around Jeonghan’s, fingers drawing little shapes on the inside of Jeonghan’s wrist. Jeonghan closes his eyes and lets out a soft hum, the sensation pulling him into an inexplicable feeling of security and familiarity. It’s very Joshua, drawing patterns over his skin like canvas under an artist’s hand. 

Jeonghan’s eyes flutter open for a moment, focusing on Joshua’s serene face. He feels...okay. Like this is bearable. He feels closure. He cups Joshua’s cheek with his free hand, thumb swiping gently across his soft skin. Joshua leans his face into Jeonghan’s touch, bringing Jeonghan’s wrist to his lips and placing a kiss right above his veins. “Don’t stop coming to me. Just let me be there for you this time, and every time after that, okay?”

“Okay,” Joshua replies with a gentle smile, an air of calm finality surrounding the two.

Jeonghan takes in a deep breath and gets his feet under him. He pulls Joshua up with him and immediately pulls him into his arms. Joshua melts into his embrace, face burying itself into Jeonghan’s neck as the two hold each other. The brunette breathes in deeply, Joshua’s familiar scent filling his nose. A tear escapes Jeonghan’s eye, but he isn’t sure what causes it to fall. 

Still, Jeonghan is okay.

After a moment longer of allowing himself to hold Joshua this intimately for perhaps the last time, Jeonghan pulls away. It’s now in the moonlight that Jeonghan can see tears staining Joshua’s cheeks. His instinct wants to push him forward to kiss them away, but he holds himself back. Joshua seems to catch himself from leaning in and catching Jeonghan’s lips as well. The two smile sheepishly and take a deep breath. 

Joshua swipes a hand over his cheeks. “Well...I’m glad we finally talked things over.”

“Me too.” Joshua looks past him, and Jeonghan turns around to follow his line of vision. He finds that Chan is now sitting next to Seungcheol on the sand, curled close together.

“I think Cheollie needs you now,” Joshua says, a small smile on his face. Jeonghan isn’t quite sure of what to reply, but he knows that he absolutely owes the leader an explanation. “Goodnight, Hannie. Eat well in the morning, okay?”

“I will...goodnight Joshuji.” Joshua takes the brunette in deeply one more time before backing away with a small wave. He makes his way toward the house, offering Chan and Seungcheol a wave as well before disappearing inside.

Jeonghan takes a deep breath and steadies himself. _Here goes nothing._

He makes his way over to Chan and Seungcheol, heartbeat accelerating the closer he gets to the two. Chan seems to be watching him, saying something to Seungcheol as the leader’s round, doe eyes meet his own. They widen a little as Jeonghan gets closer. 

Seungcheol visibly swallows, growing tense. Jeonghan suppresses the urge to frown, seeing the way his best friend reacts to his presence. It’s unnerving, _wrong._

He offers the two a quick wave. “Hi guys, you two doing okay?” he asks, squatting beside Seungcheol. 

Chan nods quickly, fringe bouncing against his forehead cutely, while Seungcheol gives him a weak smile. “We’re okay,” Chan chirps, smiling brightly at him. The sight of his maknae grinning this way warms Jeonghan’s heart. The idea of having been such a burden to him this past month still doesn’t sit well with him at all. 

Jeonghan scrunches his nose, returning the maknae’s smile. He pauses before deciding it best to cut straight to the point. “Good. Channie, would you mind if I steal Cheollie away from you for a bit?” he asks, eyes focusing on the leader as though looking for a sign of reluctance. He can’t seem to find any, save for the way Seungcheol wrings his hands.

“Sure hyung, I was just getting ready to head back up. Don’t stay out too long! You might catch a cold!” Chan replies as he bounces to his feet, always an endearing ball of youthful energy.

“Don’t worry about us, Channie. You head on upstairs and get some rest. It’s been a long day,” Jeonghan replies, taking the spot where the maknae had just been sitting. 

“Alright, goodnight hyungs,” Chan replies as he backs away, jogging back toward the house. Beside him, Jeonghan feels Seungcheol stiffen.

The leader turns his head toward Jeonghan slightly, almost if afraid to meet his gaze. The thought causes him to shrivel up a bit. Never in the years that they’ve lived together have either man felt awkward or strange talking to each other. Eye contact has always been a major connection point between them; through it, Jeonghan is able to see right into Seungcheol’s mind as though peering through a window and know what the man is thinking and feeling.

But now, it feels like they’re complete strangers, a wide, open chasm separating them from each other. For a moment, Jeonghan wonders if he’ll be able to close that distance with just a seaside conversation. 

“Are you two okay?” Seungcheol finally asks, seeming unable to hold back his curiosity. 

Jeonghan doesn’t reply right away, thinking his words through. Are they? He thinks so...even if the dull ache in his chest wants to convince him otherwise. So he nods. “Yeah...we are.”

Seungcheol seems to relax a bit with Jeonghan’s affirmative. “That’s good. Congratulations.”

The brunette’s eyebrows twitch. “I’m not sure if congratulations are in order.”

This seems to grab Seungcheol’s attention a bit more. “What do you mean?” he asks, finally looking into Jeonghan’s eyes, and now he can see it all.

The heavy sense of guilt, the anger with himself, the concern and ache for his other members, the relief that their big family is finally on the road to healing and recovery, and the desperate longing for something Seungcheol is positive he can’t have. Seungcheol seems to realize that his eye contact with Jeonghan has left him exposed, as he suddenly averts his gaze and focuses on Jeonghan’s lap instead.

“We didn’t get back together,” Jeonghan replies. Seungcheol’s head whips up instantly.

“Wait, what? Why not? I don’t understand. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Jeonghan sighs and scratches his head awkwardly. “The truth is...I’m not sure what I want. After everything that happened, we both need time. He needs to work through his own battles, and there’s only so much I can do to help on that end. As for me…” Jeonghan scoffs at himself. “You know how much of a mess I am right now.”

Seungcheol frowns. “You’re still not eating.”

He shakes his head. “Not with my anxiety as bad as it’s been. I think that over the next few weeks, I can get it back under control for the tour. It’s for those reasons that we agreed to give each other time. Now just isn’t right.”

The leader seems to ponder his words and nods. “I guess that makes sense. And you guys are okay with that?”

Jeonghan nods. “We are. It doesn’t mean we’ll be distant with each other. I guess we’ll just be as we used to be before starting anything together.” He pauses before continuing. “How are you?”

Now it’s Seungcheol’s turn to let out a scoff, a hint of resentment in his tone. “That’s a loaded question, I’d say.”

“You need to forgive yourself. Quit blaming yourself for all this.”

“Why should I? Huh? I was supposed to be a leader. Do you know the kind of shame I feel right now? How shameful it is that my _dongsaengs_ , who should’ve had me to support themselves on and who were counting on me to fix all this, had to step up to the plate because the one person who was supposed to get the job done for them was too stupid to do what he had to do?”

“Cheol, don’t call yourself stupid-”

“I am, Han!” he outbursts, causing Jeonghan to flinch in surprise. “I am stupid! I’m stupid and weak. I’m a fool who couldn’t keep neutral and be the leader I needed to be just because it was _you_ who got hurt. I-” Seungcheol’s voice cracks, lips wobbling with the urge to burst into tears. “I fucked up. I fell for you and fucked everything up. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for that.”

Jeonghan feels a pang of hurt at Seungcheol’s words. “Is having feelings for me that bad?”

Seungcheol’s eyes reflect a kind of heart wrenching regret that Jeonghan has never seen. “It is when I know you love someone else.”

Jeonghan instantly shakes his head in denial. “God, Cheol, I meant what I said that day. I felt something so strong when I kissed you. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Because, Han, you were a mess that day! You were absolutely in shambles over Joshua having broken up with you, running on no sleep and no calories, and you expect me to believe that you really, honestly felt something? Why would you have felt something that day that you didn’t in the five plus years we’ve lived together?”

“Well I didn’t _kiss_ you until that day.”

“So you’re saying you didn’t feel anything for me until you kissed me. Meaning that when you kissed me, your intention was to use me to forget.”

Jeonghan gasps in shock. “Cheol, no! That’s...that’s not what I meant!”

“Then what _did_ you mean? Please enlighten me, because from what I understand it didn’t take you kissing Joshua to know you loved him,” Seungcheol counters defensively, eyes glistening in the night as he struggles to contain his emotion.

“Seungcheol, what I mean is that the day I kissed you, I realized that in the five years we’ve lived together, I’ve _always_ loved you. Right from the start all the way up until now.” Seungcheol instantly opens his mouth to protest, but Jeonghan holds his hand up. “No, stop. Just listen to me, please. When I kissed you, Cheol, I saw every last moment we’ve spent together in a different light. I realized that in constantly seeking you out, coming to you for hugs and comfort, teasing you, depending on you, and sharing this crazy journey with you, I _was_ in love. 

“Yes, I knew about my feelings for Joshua sooner, but that’s because the love I feel for him is different. It’s what I expected love to feel like - butterflies in my stomach, blushes and nerves, imagination running wild. But with you...it’s been a steady buildup over the years. I love Joshua. That’s true. But I also love you, Seungcheol. I need you. You’re both happiness and home to me. I don’t know how else to explain myself to make you understand that I wasn’t just using you that day. Something inside me pushed me to kiss you, and when I did, I understood all these things. I know how fucked up the timing was and how bad it must’ve looked, but please, please believe me, Cheol.”

Tears run down Seungcheol’s face freely, the man stunned into silence. Jeonghan feels his own eyes stinging as the seconds pass with no response. His nose starts to tickle with that really annoying feeling that comes on just before crying - the one that feels like an incoming sneeze but not really - as worry begins building in his chest. Did he say something wrong? 

But when Seungcheol finally moves into Jeonghan’s space, cold hand cupping his cheek, he knows he’s said the right thing.

Seungcheol’s plush lips on his own feel just as warm and inviting as he remembers. They’re rather chapped and dry from excessive gnawing, yet Jeonghan still feels his heart soar the same way it did the first time. Jeonghan’s lips move along with his gently, matching his slow pace and hesitance. Jeonghan feels a bright, familiar warmth spreading throughout his body originating from where their lips meet, a magical sense of revival taking over.

If he had any doubts before, they’re gone now. Jeonghan is almost as sure of his feelings for Seungcheol now as he is of his feelings for Joshua. In the back of his mind, he wonders how it could possibly be that he’s managed to fall for both of his best friends in such a way that completely transcends his own understanding. When Seungcheol slowly breaks away for air, their breaths mixing in the cool Jeju night, foreheads pressed together, he finds his answer.

It’s like this: love isn’t clear cut. It’s not supposed to be. It’s nothing like the K-dramas his sister is so obsessed with, in which there’s one set direction and one perfect pairing, distinct feelings, predictable plot twists, key moments of realization, and clear conclusions. Love is messy, ambiguous, and confusing. It’s not a one-size-fits-all. Love doesn’t come with instructions included; there’s no manual or guidelines. It plays by its own rules, which aren’t always just to everyone involved. It can be a circle, a parallel line, a triangle, or even a square. Love can be tangled and indistinguishable from other feelings, or it can be as stark in contrast as the day and night. It builds and breaks, bends and shakes. 

And it’s with that realization that Jeonghan finds a new sense of inexplicable peace.

Jeonghan shifts closer to the leader and wraps his arms around Seungcheol’s frame, resting his head on his shoulder. Seungcheol pulls Jeonghan closer, arm around his waist. The two fall into an easy, comfortable silence for a bit, simply reminding themselves of what it felt like to be this close to each other, in each other’s space. 

“I believe you now,” Seungcheol finally says, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry I didn’t before.”

“It’s okay,” Jeonghan replies, and it really is. _It’s more than okay. It’s perfect._

“So what happens now?”

Jeonghan sighs, remembering his words to Joshua. “Nothing. We can’t do that to him, and we can’t act selfishly anymore...They need us.”

Seungcheol doesn’t reply right away, but the soft kiss placed in his hair tells Jeonghan enough.

“They do.” His voice is soft, resigned, and serene. Peaceful.

Jeonghan closes his eyes, the gentle sounds of the ocean waves and Seungcheol’s breath filling his ears and distracting him from the sudden urge to cry. 

_It’s okay_ , he tells himself. 

_Really._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments, thoughts, questions, observations, and constructive criticism is welcome! please feel free, interaction motivates me to no end <3
> 
> also if you ever want to interact outside the context of this story, my twitter is @horanghit :D


	19. but i’m cold as the wind blows so hold me in your arms

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan comes to an agreement with Seokmin and begins to sense a change in his relationship (or lack thereof) with Soonyoung.
> 
> title from "Kiss Me" - Ed Sheeran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a week late - sorry guys, my hands started giving me trouble again. had to delay writing quite a bit. i hope you guys find this chapter particularly fulfilling given the lateness - seokchan and soonchan relationships are shifting! how exciting!

The final couple of weeks leading up to the tour seem to go by in a whirlwind, at least for Chan.

Since the trip to Jeju, Chan and Seokmin have fallen into an unspoken routine. During the day, the two practice hard along with the rest of the group, reveling in the light and airy atmosphere that now exists among the members. From productive practice sessions with Soonyoung to pulling pranks on Seungcheol with Jeonghan to playing around with Jihoon and Joshua, things feel normal again. Right. 

But at night, when the practice rooms are empty, the lights are out at the dorms, and the other members have retired to bed for the limited hours of sleep that they can afford, Chan find himself, for better or for worse, slipping into Seokmin’s room to satisfy his newly developed sweet tooth. Their limbs tangle together under Seokmin’s fluffy plush blankets, lips learning their own secret choreography together. And in those short, fleeting nights spent drowning in the taste of sticky, warm honey, Chan _forgets._

He forgets that Soonyoung is still unattainable. He forgets that Soonyoung’s heart still belongs to someone else. He forgets that all he’ll ever be to Soonyoung is his little brother.

He forgets how much his heart aches and burns for Soonyoung, despite Seokmin’s searing touch ghosting over his bare skin, leaving behind invisible burns that Chan can’t seem to get enough of as the days go by.

Seokmin teaches Chan a few things about himself that he otherwise wouldn’t have known before that night in Jeju: Chan is impatient, eager to learn, and willing to please. Something about their power dynamic leaves the younger unable to resist slipping into Seokmin’s room at night; he never knows which of the two holds the upper hand in Whatever This Is™ until it’s happening. Chan can’t help but admit to himself that deep within him, something raw and primal just stirs when Seokmin is sweating and squirming underneath him, soft brown hair splayed out over his pillow like a splash of ink and pink lips parted and gasping. Other times, he completely loses himself in the feeling of Seokmin’s strong hands pinning him down into the mattress while his lips sketch pictures over his entire body. As it turns out, Seokmin is a wild card; Chan never knows which side of him he’ll get.

Maybe that’s why he keeps coming back, keeps pushing further, keeps growing bolder. Having been a trainee from such a young age, he’s never been able to explore this side of himself - hot, hungry and needy. With Seokmin, every night feels like an adventure in which he peels back yet another layer of his own self and Seokmin’s, revealing another truth - and another weakness.

Chan realizes that of all the members, Seokmin is the only person who has _truly_ seen him at his most vulnerable state. He can’t help but feel so much closer to him now than ever before. It’s a warm, tingling feeling that makes his head feel floaty and light. On some days, he truly can’t resist the magnetic pull he feels toward Seokmin in front of the others, latching onto him and refusing to let go until he absolutely has to. To the unsuspecting eye, Chan is just really close to his hyung. But to knowing eyes like Seungcheol’s, there is much, much more behind his actions. There is an understanding that transcends all human perception, one that only comes when you’ve seen another person in their rawest, barest form.

And for Chan, that form is Seokmin arching his back in a kind of ecstasy he’s never seen on anyone before, flushed face streaked with tears and teeth biting painfully into his bottom lip to contain a particularly loud whine.

Yeah. Chan did that.

Neither of the two dare talk about what their nightly adventures mean. If Chan is honest with himself, he’s scared of that conversation. Talking about it means assigning a name to Whatever This Is. Or maybe, Chan is terrified that Seokmin will see him for what he really is afterward - a terrible person trying to forcibly stuff Seokmin into all the empty holes in his heart that Soonyoung should be in despite the elder not quite fitting properly. He’ll see that he’s selfish - constantly taking, taking and taking some more from Seokmin without thinking twice of what consequences may come from it. Chan wonders how Seokmin feels about Whatever This Is, a twinge of guilt tugging at his chest when Seokmin’s warm, hazy eyes meet his just before the younger pulls him into a kiss. The guilt is easily forgotten, however, when his belly begins to curl.

Tonight is no different from other nights, the others having retired to bed for the night to catch an early morning flight to Fukuoka, their first stop on the dome tour. Chan knows he should’ve just gone to sleep; they’ve got a long day ahead of them upon landing in Japan. And still, as though he were an asteroid in outer space floating past the Sun, he is unable to resist the gravitational pull toward the elder. So he peeks over at Seungkwan and Junhui, checking that they’re asleep. He then pads his way out of their bedroom and down the wooden floor of the hallway leading to Seokmin’s room. Chan cracks the door open, poking his head in and finding Seokmin sitting cross-legged on his bed, phone in hand and hair wet from the shower.

Seokmin looks up from his phone screen at the intrusion, honey-glazed eyes meeting his from across the room. He beckons him inside with a gentle smile, dropping his phone to his side. Chan smiles back, slipping into the room and closing the door behind him. He is almost too eager to cross the room and crawl onto Seokmin’s bed, pulling him in for a heated kiss. The elder hums in a mixture of contentment and relief, as though he’d been craving the taste of Chan’s lips all day long.

And Chan never quite gets enough of strawberries and cream, honey and warm milk, candy floss and gumdrops. He takes and takes, and takes some more like he always does.

Seokmin deserves better than this, but he can’t find it in himself to stop. Or perhaps the elder sees Chan the same way - as an outlet of release, an opportunity for self-exploration, or maybe a temporary filler for another empty heart. 

And so tonight is no different from other nights - until it is.

Seokmin finally pulls away for air, blinking his haze away slowly. Chan whines in disappointment and moves back in, but the elder stops him gently, a strange look in his eyes. He catches the dancer off-guard, and for a moment, panic rises in his chest. _Has he figured it out? Is he finally seeing me for what I am?_

“Channie,” he begins, taking a deep breath. Chan’s heart instantly sinks into the pit of his stomach. “I think we need to talk about this.”

There it is. Chan’s biggest fear.

The younger’s eyes widen slightly. “O-Oh...right, that makes sense,” he replies, suddenly feeling like a bug under a microscope. Seokmin searches his face intently for something unknown to Chan, so he does his best to school his expression. “Let’s talk then.”

Seokmin nods, a certain twinkle in his eyes. “So...I guess we can both agree that neither of us expected any of this to happen,” he starts, letting out a soft giggle. Chan is instantly put at ease with Seokmin’s approach to the topic, shoulders relaxing a bit as he nods in agreement.

“Do you wanna tell me what you’ve been thinking about this these past couple weeks?” he asks.

And here’s where Chan gets stuck - because has he really been giving any of this much thought? He’d been terrified of this conversation, so avoiding the topic until he just couldn’t anymore seemed like the best course of action at the time. But now, with Seokmin’s twinkling eyes gazing at him intently and their hands linked together in front of them, Chan wishes he’d thought ahead.

The younger licks his lower lip, not at all ignorant to the way Seokmin’s eyes briefly flick downward to follow the movement. A tiny bubble of warmth fills his chest. “I guess...if I’m going to be honest, hyung, I haven’t given it much thought. I guess I was scared of what I’d find if I thought too hard.”

And here Seokmin cocks his head sideways, eyebrows knitting together in concern. “Scared? Of what, Channie.? Did I do something wrong?”

“No! No, nothing like that. I guess I was just scared of everything...like what you might be thinking about it, why this keeps happening between us, what it could all mean, how this could go wrong, how the others would react if they found out..a mixture of all those things.”

Seokmin nods, chewing on his own lip as he ponders Chan’s words. “I see what you mean,” he replies, pausing in thought before speaking up again. “Okay listen, none of this has to mean anything if you don’t want it to. I don’t know how to make sense of this either, except for feeling thankful that you trust me enough to do this with me. I…” he hesitates, averting his gaze as his cheeks become a dusty rose. “If I’m going to be honest, I really like doing this with you.”

Chan can’t help but smile at his hyung’s sudden cuteness. He scoots closer and lifts Seokmin’s chin up, a warm fondness spreading throughout his body like hot cocoa on a cold winter’s night when he looks into his soft, brown eyes. “I really like what we’re doing too, hyung. It feels like I’m discovering more of myself with you, and I really do trust you. But are you...are you okay with this kind of arrangement? A no strings attached kind of thing? I’m just worried I’m being selfish by continuing to take so much from you-”

The elder is quick to shake his head, a frown settling on his face. “No, don’t go there again, Channie. We talked about this, remember? You’re not _taking_ anything from me. I _want_ to give you all of me, no matter what that is. That’s what hyungs are for.”

“But you don’t give any of the others what you give me.”

And now Seokmin falls silent, looking down at his hands. A sudden sense of intimacy seems to surround the two, and for a moment, Chan wonders if there is, in fact, more that Seokmin isn’t telling him. Why would he want to give Chan so much of himself, including all of his vulnerabilities in their barest form? What has Chan ever done to deserve this kind of trust or generosity from Seokmin? The question is at the tip of his tongue, but it dies right away.

Because what if Chan doesn’t like the answer? What if the answer only makes him feel guiltier for trying to fill his own empty holes with Seokmin?

“They’ve never asked me for anything like this,” Seokmin finally answers, looking back up at Chan’s face.

The question escapes the younger’s lips before he can think twice about it. “And if they had, would you have given all of yourself to them too, hyung?” he asks, swiping his tongue over his lips nervously. 

“I think...there are some parts of myself that I’m only willing to give to you, Channie.”

Chan swallows thickly, drinking Seokmin in unlike ever before. His gaze picks Seokmin apart thread by thread, both learning things he didn’t know and unlearning things he thought he did know. Seokmin’s cheeks redden more under the sudden intensity of Chan’s gaze. 

For a second, Chan thinks he finds something - the golden treasure, a hidden truth. It makes his heart beat faster and his stomach curl with a million emotions he can’t put a name to. It feels almost like an out of body experience, studying Seokmin like this and finding thing after thing after thing he had missed about him over the years.

Seokmin has years of buried emotions hidden under his skin - the bright, happy virus exterior. There’s scar on top of scar masked by his explosive positive energy and mood-making demeanor. It’s in the depth of Seokmin’s eyes, almost unnoticeable wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, barely visible worry lines along his forehead, hidden under his brown locks, and chapped lips. It’s in how quickly he cries sometimes, insisting his tears are happy ones, in the way he runs his vocals into the ground to make sure he’s at the top of his game, that Seungkwan won’t find himself burdened by carrying Seokmin on his back as the group’s other main vocalist. It’s in how he cares so deeply for everyone, pushing his own emotions aside to be that energy for the group. 

It’s in the way his voice drops shyly when he asks, “Am I giving you enough?”

Chan pulls him close and presses a gentle kiss to his lips. He wishes with all his heart that his body would explode with fireworks and electricity, like in the movies. He wishes a gut instinct would hit him in that precise moment, telling him that _this is fucking it. This is what you’ve been waiting for all your life._

Yet still, as much as he wishes for any of those things to happen, they just don’t. All he feels is a soft, warm hum of closeness and comfort, fondness and safety. The only new emotion now brewing in his chest is a newfound, earth-shaking understanding of his hyung. _Why do you do this to yourself, Seokmin? Why give so much of yourself that in the end, there’s nothing left?_

He pulls away about two inches, head growing hazy and light with Seokmin’s warm, inviting aura. “More than I could ever ask for, hyung,” he replies softly, breath fanning over Seokmin’s reddened, chapped lips. 

A timid smile begins to light up Seokmin’s face. “Then I’m happy with continuing this,” he concludes. “No strings attached.” Chan takes his response as an invitation, beginning to crawl onto Seokmin’s lap and threading his fingers through the elder’s brown locks.

“No strings attached,” he echoes, pulling the elder in and drowning himself in sticky sweet honey once again.

~*~*~

Today is a great day.

No, scratch that. Today is a wonderful day. An incredible, amazing, lucky, and all around perfect day! Lee Chan couldn’t possibly ask for a better day than today. No, today takes the cake on all of the many amazing days he’s had over the course of his life. Yes, today is _that_ day. A day better than all other days combined. Spectacular, wonderful, amazing, incredible, quite literally supercalifragilisticexpialadocious! 

Now why on _earth_ would today be such a wonderful day?

Upon arriving in Fukuoka, the members play a legendary game of rock paper scissors in the hotel lobby - not _at all_ drawing the attention of other clients staring at this random group of thirteen loud boys standing in a circle, luggage in hand, playing the game with three cameras on them capturing the footage. The goal of the game is to decide which members would be rooming with each other for the rest of the three week-long dome tour.

And since today is actually the bestest fucking day of Chan’s entire (albeit short) life, it so happens that the cosmos and whatever higher powers may be decided to align perfectly in his favor. Yes, today, of all days, Lee Chan is a winner! And why might that be?

Because Chan ends up rooming with Soonyoung. He might have almost screamed. He isn’t even able to find it in himself to feel disappointment that his certain _nightly activities_ with Seokmin would have to be put on pause. Not when Soonyoung is laughing and wrapping his arms around his neck from behind, rubbing his face in Chan’s hair playfully.

Yup, today is definitely his lucky day.

So here the two are, dragging their suitcases behind them as they make their way up to their hotel room. Soonyoung is still adorably groggy from his nap on the plane, cheeks round and fluffy and lips in a tiny pout. Chan giggles and teases him about it, earning a playful kick to the butt from Soonyoung as he swipes the two into their room.

After the two settle down, Chan is suddenly hit with an idea. “Hey hyung, are you up for doing a live?” he asks, plopping on his bed fresh out of the shower. “It’s been a while since I’ve done one, but I’m worried I won’t have a lot to talk about if I do it myself.”

Soonyoung feigns shock. “ _You_? Running out of things to talk about? Impossible,” he kids, laughing and ducking once Chan flings a pillow at his head.

“Hey, I’m serious!”

“I’m kidding! I’m kidding! Let’s do it,” he agrees, shrugging off his track jacket and dropping on his bed - and if Chan stares a little longer at Soonyoung’s arms than he should, it’s no one’s business, really. Soonyoung drops onto Chan’s bed, his weight making the younger bounce in his spot. Chan sets up his phone and presses live, scooting further back on the bed. He jumps in surprise when his back collides with Soonyoung’s chest, cheeks flushing red. Soonyoung smiles amusedly and leans over his shoulder, eyes focused on the screen where fans are now pouring into the live by the masses. Chan tries to ignore how warm and comfy Soonyoung’s chest is against his back, busying himself by greeting the fans.

The two talk about a variety of topics, easily bouncing between conversation with each other and responding to fans’ comments. It’s easy with Soonyoung, the two’s chemistry naturally built over the years making exchanges seamless and interesting. Chan laughs a lot - more so than he expected he would have during a live - particularly at Soonyoung’s antics. A part of his mind can’t help but drift for a moment, thinking about how life with Soonyoung would never have a dull moment, how the laughter would never end, how well they click together -

He’s pulled out of his thoughts by the feeling of Soonyoung’s cheeks squishing into his. Chan instantly squishes back, nuzzling Soonyoung’s cheek the way the two usually do and ignoring the way his glasses shift awkwardly in the process. Soonyoung hums in a high-pitched tone and squeezes his eyes shut, nose scrunching cutely. Chan scrunches his own face and joins him in the content humming, squishing closer. Eventually he can’t help the loud giggle that escapes his lips, Soonyoung following right behind. They pull away from each other just enough for Chan to turn his face and grin up at Soonyoung, heart skipping more than a few beats when Soonyoung looks down, cute, upturned eyes disappearing as he smiles back. 

“Hyung!” Chan says cutely, giggling loudly.

“Dongsaeng!” Soonyoung replies in a silly voice, pulling Chan in for a hug. Chan quickly falls into it, chin on his shoulder as Soonyoung’s hug tightens just a little. It’s brief, but the aftershock burns Chan’s skin even after they’ve pulled away and turned their attention back to the screen. It’s only through seeing themselves on Chan’s phone that the younger realizes Soonyoung is blushing almost as hard as he is. The comments go wild, fans loving their skinship as always.

What Chan _really_ can’t ignore is the way Soonyoung remains glued to his side, never quite pulling away afterward. They’re practically smushed together on camera, and suddenly Chan finds it a herculean task to remain focused on their conversation and on answering comments when Soonyoung is _this fucking close_ and _smelling like that_ and the pair _looking like that_ on the camera screen. They look more domestic than usual - Chan is barefaced, comfy in his favorite gray pullover hoodie, and wearing his clear-framed glasses, while Soonyoung’s in a loose, black t-shirt and a black beanie, barefaced and squishier-looking than usual (for lack of a better term). He engraves this image of them in his mind, with Soonyoung’s head just beside his, eyes flicking as he reads the comments, body pressed close. 

_How the hell am I not supposed to be head over heels for you when you look and feel like this?_

The time seems to fly by, Chan only now realizing that they’ve been live streaming for over an hour and a half. It’s around ten thirty at night now, and a banner notification from Seungcheol gently reminds the two that they’ve got early rehearsals scheduled at the venue for the morning.

The two giggle at the message and decide to end the live there, each posing cutely for the camera knowing that there will be countless screenshots flooding their social media once it ends. Soonyoung does his usual _horanghae pose_ , Chan joining him with a grin before finally ending the stream.

To Chan’s surprise, Soonyoung still doesn’t quite pull away. “Wait! Let’s post some selcas,” he suggests, pulling his phone out and handing it to Chan. “You have to do the tiger pose with me now!”

Chan playfully rolls his eyes but takes Soonyoung’s phone anyway. “Fine, but then you have to guest star on my next Danceology video,” he is quick to bargain. “Carats are demanding it!”

Soonyoung laughs out loud, throwing his head back happily. “Okay! Okay deal,” he replies, settling right back into his spot against Chan’s back. They take a few selcas, including a few with the promised _horanghae_ pose, before Chan returns Soonyoung’s phone. Only then does the elder pull away, settling back against Chan’s headboard and working on posting the photos on Weverse.

Chan settles back beside him, knees against his chest as he scrolls through Twitter, feeling all kinds of warm and fuzzy as he replays videos from their broadcast screen recorded by Carats. “We should do this more often,” Chan thinks aloud, giggling at a particular tweet talking about how one should “ _get yourself a man who looks at you like soonchan look at each other_.” Chan internally screams for the umpteenth time tonight - _yikes, peak whipped behavior, Lee Chan._

Soonyoung looks up from his phone, eyebrows shooting up and lips forming a tiny _o_. “Ooh, that’s a good idea! What if we do one each week of the tour? If people like it, maybe continue it during the world tour next year?” he suggests, eyes sparkling with a very _Soonyoung_ kind of excitement. Chan’s chest warms in endearment.

A grin instantly lights up Chan’s face. “That sounds great, hyung. Let’s do it!”

The elder pumps a fist in the air, finally hitting the post button on Weverse. Soonyoung’s post quickly floods with comments and cheers, and not a few moments later, the same photos appear all over his Twitter timeline.

Chan is quick to save all of the photos from Weverse, vowing to himself that _Chan, you will not stare at these for hours on end. You will not be that creep_. However, when he looks back up at Soonyoung and takes in what he views as the most beautiful side profile he’s ever seen, Chan just knows that actually yes, he will _absolutely_ be that creep.

“You know,” Soonyoung suddenly speaks up, eyes still glued to his screen as he scrolls through comments. “I think Seokminnie really wanted to be roommates with you.”

Chan’s heart suddenly slams against his chest, neck heating up instantly. “Wait what? Why would you say that?”

Soonyoung looks up then, knowing eyes trained on Chan. “Not sure, just a feeling,” he replies, and is Chan crazy, or is there a strange undertone in Soonyoung’s voice? His eyes seem to be searching Chan’s expression for something in particular; the intensity of his gaze makes Chan almost want to squirm.

“I mean to be fair, I _am_ the only one in the group who doesn’t snore from exhaustion,” Chan replies, trying to sound carefree. “I don’t think Seokmin-hyung was the only one who wanted to be my roommate for the tour.”

The elder stares at him for a moment longer before letting out a soft laugh. “True. I guess I’m lucky then,” he replies smugly.

“Please, you sleep like a log anyway! I don’t think anyone’s snoring could keep you from falling asleep when you’re really tired.”

“Alright, alright, no need to call me out, Channie!” Soonyoung jokes, swatting at Chan’s arm. The younger can only throw his head back in laughter.

“Anyway,” Chan continues, a thought crossing his mind. “Do you really think you’ll be up for dancing again? I know the doctors said you’re basically healed up, but you could still hurt your ankle if you twist it wrong.”

Soonyoung is quick to nod. “No, I’m ready. Honestly, my ankle feels great. I can walk on it without a problem anymore, as you guys have seen. I tried doing a few dances the other day while taking it easy, and I didn’t feel anything weird either. Don’t worry, nothing's gonna stop me from dancing on that stage with you guys.”

Chan feels slightly unconvinced still, but he nods nonetheless. “Okay, if you think so. But you’ll be careful, right? No bad moves? If it starts to hurt, you’ll stop?” And he has good reason for asking; Soonyoung pushes himself to the limit more often than not for the sake of the group, sometimes compromising his own health in the process. A part of Chan worries that even if Soonyoung does start feeling pain in his ankle, he’ll keep it quiet so as to not worry the others.

Soonyoung seems to pick up on Chan’s train of thought and sighs in defeat. “Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Then you know why I worry, hyung. It’s not just me either. Myungho-hyung and Jun-hyung worry too,” the younger explains, corners of his lips turning downward into the tiniest of parentheses. “We just want to make sure you don’t hurt yourself any more.”

The unit leader nods, expression turning into one of embarrassment. “I know, I know. I should take it easy, but I just don’t want to disappoint anyone, you know? The fans have been waiting expectantly for months to come see us, and I don’t want to fail them. I don’t want to let you guys down either. I feel like I’ve done a lot of that lately.”

And Chan understands; he really does. He’s guilty of playing down his own physical condition numerous times for the exact same reason. He knows Soonyoung well enough to know that if the unit leader holds the rest of them to high expectations, he expects ten times more of himself. Soonyoung is nothing short of a dedicated professional, and it shows in just how complex and perfectly synchronized each of the group’s choreographies are. 

Still, the maknae shakes his head, turning sideways to face Soonyoung. “You haven’t let anyone down. No one blames you for getting hurt! We just want you to recover as best as possible. You would be letting us down if you hurt yourself further because you’re pushing yourself faster than you can handle. So please, hyung, promise me that you’ll tell us if on opening night, dancing is too much. Please?” Chan’s eyes are pleading, the idea of seeing Soonyoung’s face contorting in pain the way it did the day he got hurt leaving a sour taste in his mouth and an ache in his heart.

Soonyoung sighs and nods concedingly, gaze soft and humble. “I promise, Channie.” He holds his pinky up for Chan to latch onto, the younger smiling at the action. He wraps his pinky around Soonyoung’s, wiggling it back and forth a little before daring himself to rest his head on the elder’s shoulder for a moment. Soonyoung doesn’t hesitate in caging Chan’s head with his own, keeping his hold on Chan’s pinky and dropping their hands to their laps.

“Thank you guys for watching out for me. I’ll be okay. I know it.”

“And if not, that’s okay too,” Chan replies. “Really. No one will blame you, not even the fans.”

“You’re right. I guess I just get too caught up in my own expectations.” Soonyoung picks his head up then, pausing before speaking up again. “I’m lucky I have you to keep me grounded.”

Chan looks up then, finding Soonyoung’s fond gaze trained on him. “Always,” he replies, smiling softly and trying to contain the blush creeping onto his cheeks. 

Soonyoung returns it, cheeks rounding as his lips turn upward. “Well, I guess we should call it a night then. Long day of rehearsals ahead.”

The younger’s heart sinks a little, realizing that this means Soonyoung would be migrating across the room for the night. Still, he sighs and nods. “I guess so. Probably shouldn’t stay up further and risk faceplanting on the stage from sleepiness.”

Either Chan is imagining things, or Soonyoung seems hesitant in moving from his spot (which, by the way, he seems quite comfortable in). “Probably not,” he agrees, looking down at Chan, head resting against the headboard.

Neither man moves, remaining frozen in position. Chan’s heartbeat steadily accelerates, palms beginning to sweat. _What do I do? What do I say? Why isn’t he moving?_

After what feels like an eternity, Soonyoung seems to finally snap out of his daze, startling a little. “W-Well, goodnight, Channie! Rest well, alright?” he says, finally letting go of Chan’s pinky and standing up almost too quickly from the younger’s bed.

Chan quickly forces a smile on his face, giving Soonyoung a little wave. “Night, hyung, I will.” Soonyoung gives him a forceful nod, rocking on the balls of his feet for a split second longer before crossing back to his side of the room. Chan busies himself with fixing his pillows and crawling under the comforter while Soonyoung settles into his own bed.

Suddenly, a pillow whacks Chan’s head, startling him. “Wha-”

“That’s for earlier, loser,” Soonyoung quips, sticking his tongue out playfully at the maknae.

Chan presses his lips into a straight line, containing the urge to crack a laugh. He sighs exhaustedly like one who has faced many troubles in his life. Shaking his head, he picks up the pillow from the floor while Soonyoung snickers to himself and turns on his back to sleep.

_Some things never change._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, please feel free to leave me feedback - literally anything is welcome! can't stress enough how important it is to me as a writer <3
> 
> SEMICOLON ALBUM OF THE YEAR!!!! honestly svt snapped with this one. besides home;run, do re mi and light a flame are my favorites!


	20. i failed to see it from the start and tore you open till the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan (unwillingly) realizes that he has a difficult conversation pending.
> 
> title from "Sorry" - Halsey

“Chan, you’re still one step behind. Run it again!” Hyerim says into her mic from the very front of the stage, letting out another sigh.

Chan’s cheeks flush red with embarrassment at being called out a second time today. Today’s schedule is completely blocked off with dress rehearsals for the opening concert, yet Chan’s stamina is almost gone. It’s now the group’s third attempt at rehearsing “Home Run,” and Chan has already messed up the pacing twice. The maknae quickly turns to his members and bows in apology despite knowing that they aren’t ever the type to get angry at him for messing up.

This isn’t like him - he can feel the undertone in Hyerim’s words when she calls him out. Chan internally scolds himself for not being able to get it together, but truthfully, he’s _exhausted_.

Chan slept horribly last night. Even long after Soonyoung had fallen asleep, Chan’s mind still raced at a pace of a million thoughts per minute. He tossed and turned all night, struggling to find sleep. It wasn’t anywhere to be found. It wasn’t until three in the morning that the reason for Chan’s insomnia hit him like a ton of bricks.

His bed felt too cold, and not because the room itself was cold. Chan was missing a warm body next to him, cuddling him close throughout the night. Chan had gotten used to sleeping with Seokmin, and now that he isn’t there at night with the elder, he can’t fucking _sleep_.

The sequence begins again, and Chan tries his hardest to suppress yawns and keep up with the beat counts so engraved in his bones. Hyerim doesn’t call him out this time, but judging by the small frown on her face, he still must not be doing a great job.

Once the number finishes, Hyerim calls for a five minute break before switching to the unit stages. Chan makes a beeline for the espresso machine backstage, brewing himself his second cup of coffee for the day. _Wake up, Chan! You’re a professional! Your dependence on Seokmin isn’t anyone’s fault but yours!_ he chides himself, groaning as he takes the first sip of coffee and instantly spits it back out into the cup.

“Shit,” he hisses, having forgotten how hot the coffee would be. He suddenly feels a presence beside him, Seungkwan cocking an eyebrow and watching him intently.

“Hey Channie, slow down! Don’t burn yourself now,” he says, frowning a little before taking a short sip of his iced americano. “You doing alright? You don’t normally chug coffee like that. That’s kind of a _me_ thing.”

Chan sighs, rubbing his eye tiredly and blowing over his coffee a little. “I just didn’t sleep well, is all. I’m sorry I’m holding you guys back.”

Seungkwan is quick to wave off the apology. “Don’t apologize for that. I’m just worried about you. Why didn’t you sleep well? You are taking your supplements, right?”

Chan nods quickly. “I am, I promise. I don’t know...I guess I just couldn’t get comfortable since I haven’t slept in a hotel bed in so long.”

“Or in a bed that isn’t Seokmin-hyung’s,” Seungkwan adds, raising his eyebrows and taking another long sip of his americano. Chan’s skin instantly flushes red at the mention of Seokmin. His mouth gapes open and shut a couple of times before simply giving in, letting out a long sigh.

“You knew about that?”

Seungkwan scoffs in disbelief. “There isn’t anyone on the eighth floor that doesn’t. You’re not the sneak you think you are, Lee Chan.”

The maknae rolls his eyes, pretending to flick Seungkwan’s forehead. The singer slaps his hand away quickly, shooting him a pointed look. “Hey, don’t get defensive when it’s only the truth!”

“I’m not! I just...I don’t know. It’s not exactly something I wanted everyone to know.”

The elder shrugs his shoulders, lips pouting in confusion. “Why not? There’s no shame in it. We all know how close you guys got after everything that happened. No one is looking at you guys weirdly. I mean...should we be?”

Chan’s eyes widen instantly. “No! No, nothing like that!” _Everything like that._

Seungkwan tries to keep a straight face in response to Chan’s reaction but fails at the last moment. He bursts into a fit of giggles in front of Chan, causing the younger to feel somewhere between panicked and irritated. “Why are you laughing? Nothing’s funny, hyung!”

“No! No, it’s just that you looked like a deer caught in headlights. It was cute, honestly,” he replies good-naturedly, fluffing Chan’s hair. The maknae rolls his eyes and groans, pushing Seungkwan’s hand away. He loves his hyung, he really does, but sometimes Seungkwan teases him just a teensy bit too much - and by a teensy bit, he means too often for his liking.

“Anyway,” Seungkwan continues, expression becoming concerned. “Is it really bad? You could probably ask for a change in roommate, you know. I don’t think Seokmin-hyung would mind, and Soonie-hyung would understand.”

“No, no it’s okay. I don’t want to make it a big deal or anything when it’s just a matter of getting used to it. I don’t want to make anyone worry either.”

“But don’t you think it’s more worrisome to us that you’re making mistakes you wouldn’t normally make because you’re running on no sleep?”

“No, it’s fine. I can do it,” Chan affirms, bent on _not_ making this a big deal and most definitely _not_ giving up the chance to be closer to Soonyoung. He’s well aware that his thinking is quite similar to that of a middle schooler with a crush, but he doesn’t have the energy remaining to cringe at himself - or even care, for that matter. “I just need to wake up, but look! I’m feeling a lot better already with this coffee, I promise!”

Seungkwan cocks an eyebrow, tilting his head sideways and crossing his arms over his chest, americano still swirling in hand. “Chan...you haven’t even sipped from it yet.”

Chan’s eyes widen, the realization hitting him then. “Oh...right…”

The elder simply rolls his eyes. “Look, Chan it’s honestly okay to ask to switch-”

“No, hyung. I’m not going to switch,” Chan cuts him off, voice firm. “I really don’t need to.”

The singer purses his lips, staring at Chan intently for a moment longer before finally nodding in concession. “Fine. Don’t switch then, if you’re so tough. Still, you need to figure out how you’re going to get proper sleep and fast,” Seungkwan replies with a frown. “Concert’s in two days.”

With that, Seungkwan abruptly turns and walks away from him, sipping on his coffee and shaking his head. Chan frowns, staring after him. _What’s got his boxers in a twist?_

Suddenly wanting to avoid the others to not be questioned any further on his mess ups, Chan takes his cup of coffee with him out to the audience seating. He plops down into one of the chairs a few ways away from the stage, hidden just enough in the darkness of the venue. Chan looks on as Seokmin, Mingyu, and Minghao come back on stage, now in retro-themed outfits, for a run through of “Hey Buddy.” Chan’s lips instantly curl up into a smile at the sight of Seokmin grinning as he makes some comment that makes Mingyu laugh. Even from his spot in the audience seating, Seokmin’s contagious positivity and bright mood lift his spirits almost instantly. The coffee in his hand takes second place to the energy that Seokmin’s smile alone gives him, the sensation of something warm like hot chocolate on a winter’s day spreading from his head to the tips of his toes. The group is lucky to have him as a member; Chan is even luckier to call him his hyung.

He sips on the bitter, hot liquid, grimacing at the flavor. Somehow, he doesn’t remember coffee tasting this bitter. Maybe it’s a side effect of his recently developed sweet tooth for Lee Seokmin. 

Chan forces down another long sip and lets out a long sigh, thoughts crowding his head. The tour suddenly seems too long, too tiring. He’d be lying to himself if he told himself he wasn’t craving Seokmin’s closeness - the type that makes his head hazy and body warm. It’s a strange feeling, suddenly not having the elder to depend on late at night, and while being closer to Soonyoung is all he ever craves, he can’t ignore his growing dependence on Seokmin. 

Chan isn’t sure what his nights with Seokmin are even about at this point. Is Seokmin now a habit he can’t seem to shake? Is it about the validation he gets from the elder every time he praises him? Is it about the emptiness he’s felt ever since realizing that Soonyoung is just completely out of his reach? Or perhaps about the power that surges through him every time Seokmin gives in and lets Chan take the reins? 

Whatever the reason may be, now it won’t let Chan sleep. He wonders if Seokmin himself can find sleep without Chan’s presence beside him, clinging to him like a lifeline. Does he feel as strangely cold and empty as Chan does when the lights go out and the thoughts come alive?

Chan’s mouth tastes bitter, and this time, it’s not from the coffee.

“Found you,” he hears a low voice say as a body sinks into the seat beside him. Chan turns his head and smiles softly at Hansol, both thankful for the distraction and disappointed that his hiding spot has been discovered.

Hansol doesn’t say much; he’s not one for too many words usually. Chan finds himself grateful. It’s not until “Hey Buddy” comes to an end for the second time that the rapper speaks up. “Is it him?” he asks softly, seeming to search for the right words without prying too much.

Chan is taken aback by the sudden question. “Who?” Hansol’s eyes divert from his toward where Seokmin stands on the stage, squatting down and listening closely to another suggestion being given by Soonyoung on how to better make use of the stage space. The younger groans. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“By others you mean Seungkwan?” Hansol asks, an amused twinkle in his eye.

“Yeah, and he was kind of obnoxious about it. What’s up with him anyway? He seems moody.”

Hansol sighs. “He’s just a little wound up. We had...a bit of a disagreement last night. I don’t think he’s over it.”

“Oh…” Chan suddenly understands. He remembers the night he and Seokmin found the two in the kitchen, accidentally discovering their hidden relationship. Seungkwan’s mood makes sense now, knowing that he’d argued with Hansol. “Can I ask what about?”

Chan watches reluctance briefly flash through Hansol’s eyes at the question. “It’s...complicated.”

“You know you can trust me right? I wouldn’t tell anyone anything you confide in me.”

Hansol quickly nods, quick to reassure Chan. “Of course, I know. It’s just...Seungkwan would kill me if I told you.”

The younger frowns, Hansol’s words not sitting well with him. He doesn’t like the idea of Hansol wanting to tell him - and maybe even others - about their relationship but holding back to please Seungkwan. Maybe it’s none of his business, and maybe it isn’t his place to opine about their relationship, but he can’t deny the frustration he feels for Hansol. It’s not often that the normally easy-going and laid back rapper seems preoccupied about something, and it’s even less _Hansol_ of him to keep it to himself - not when he doesn’t like secrets.

“Well okay,” he concedes, not wanting to pressure Hansol further. “But if you change your mind, I’m all ears.”

The elder nods a little, seemingly more to himself than Chan, before speaking up again. “You and Seokmin-hyung are really close, aren’t you?”

Chan shrugs a little, looking down at the dark brown liquid in his paper cup before taking another long sip. “I guess...I mean, he was there for me. Not that you guys weren’t, but he just made me feel like things weren’t all bad. I got used to crashing in his room, so not having him there is messing with my sleep.”

“You know, I think he’s feeling the same thing. Shua-hyung told me he kept tossing and turning in bed last night. He said he mumbled your name a couple of times in his sleep.”

The maknae flushes red. “W-Wait really?” He’s both taken aback and more than slightly curious about what might have been going on in Seokmin’s head. Could he be feeling his absence just as strongly as Chan is?

Hansol nods. “Maybe you guys should try and spend a little time together before heading off to bed? Might help with your sleep issues. I know he loves spending time with you anyway.”

Chan considers the idea, figuring that it just might hold some promise. It doesn’t have to be anything too extreme - maybe they could go for a walk, talk about whatever comes to mind, get something to eat, come back to the hotel, disappear into a janitor’s closet-

The dancer blinks, shaking the thought off immediately. _God Chan, forget it, you horny shit._

“I think that might be a good idea actually. I’ll ask him about it later. Thanks hyung,” Chan replies, meeting Hansol’s bright gaze and offering him a tentative smile.

Hansol breaks out into his own signature gummy grin, poking Chan’s cheek. “Don’t mention it. And hey, don’t mind Seungkwan, really. He just wants the best for you, too.”

Chan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, well I just wish he wouldn’t be all weird about him and I.”

“Has it occurred to you that maybe the only person being weird about Seokmin-hyung is you?”

The maknae’s eyes widen, round and surprised. “What? Why would you say that? I’m not weird about him!”

The elder chuckles, cocking an eyebrow in amusement. “You’re being weird right now.”

“How am I being weird? Explain!”

“For one, you’re being all loud and defensive! It’s like you’re trying to convince yourself more than me that things between you and Seokmin-hyung aren’t weird.”

And Chan has to admit, maybe Hansol’s right on that one. _Am I really being weird about him?_

Truthfully, how could he not be, after his secret, nightly hookup sessions with him just next door to the other members? How should Chan react at the mention of Seokmin when none of the others know the kinds of things they do behind closed doors? When his newly developed dependence on Seokmin has left Chan unable to think of the elder without being reminded of his desperate need to get railed like his life depends on it?

So yeah...maybe Chan is being a little weird about him. But that’s besides the point! 

“I mean... _are_ things weird between you and him?” Hansol asks tentatively, cocking an amused brow and watching Chan intently.

Chan’s face flushes red, the younger stuttering and feeling like a boxer caught against the ropes, slowly being backed into a corner. “No! I just…” 

He trails off, instantly noting Hansol’s incredulous look. _Shit. He isn’t going to buy it_. Hansol reads him like a book more often than Chan would like—it’s unnerving, really. 

So with a long, defeated sigh, he makes a spur of the moment decision he’ll surely regret later. It’s not like Hansol has ever given him a reason not to trust him anyway. “Okay, okay, fine. Maybe a little. He and I are kind of...you know…helping each other out and eh—”

“Hooking up?” Hansol supplies, a hesitant, coy smirk playing at the corner of his lip. “You can say it.”

Feeling more than called out, the younger groans and rubs his face in embarrassment. “Okay, okay...we’re hooking up. Is that bad? Am I terrible for doing that?”

The rapper furrows his brows in confusion. “Well why would you be? I mean, if you two came to that agreement and are sure about it, why would it be terrible? Wait...Chan, do you like him?”

“Well I do, but not in that way! Just as my hyung, of course.”

Hansol seems to hesitate at his response, raising his brows and causing the younger to freeze in worry. “Uh...okay then...that’s cool. So that means he doesn’t like you that way either, right? It’s just casual?”

“No! Wait, I mean yes! Uh, maybe? I mean, we just agreed on casual sex with no strings attached-”

“No, besides that, you two _did_ clarify how you feel about each other before agreeing to hook up casually, didn’t you?” Hansol’s tone is warning, alarm registering in his eyes. It makes Chan’s skin burn and crawl with guilt and shame. He hates the way Hansol disarms him, pulling him apart with his profound gaze alone. A heavy weight settles on his chest as he realizes that Hansol is calling him out on the exact same issue that Chan had been purposely pushing to the sidelines in his own head. And while he still can’t figure out why exactly he’s been so afraid to broach the topic of feelings with Seokmin, Hansol’s words remind him of just how irresponsibly and selfishly he’s handled his entire arrangement with Seokmin.

Chan looks down at his lap in shame. “Well in that case...honestly no, hyung. We didn’t.”

Hansol stares at Chan blankly for a few seconds, not saying a word. Chan shifts uncomfortably in his seat and looks back down at his coffee, gnawing on his lip nervously. A terrible feeling settles into his gut - _irresponsible. How could you be so reckless and irresponsible?_

“Why wouldn’t you bring that up?” Hansol finally speaks up, and for the first time in forever, Chan truly cannot decipher Hansol’s thoughts, eyes completely guarded and unreadable.

The younger quickly begins to mount a defense, trying to justify himself. “I didn’t think I had to! He’s never given me any indication that he does like me like that. I just didn’t think it’s a conversation we needed to have. I mean, he wouldn’t have agreed to hook up meaninglessly if he did have feelings for me, right? So it should be okay. I mean, he seems fine with it.”

Hansol sighs and shakes his head. “No, Chan, you shouldn’t ever assume these things. You should _always_ make your feelings clear. Look, imagine this: say he does have feelings for you but is keeping them a secret, while you don’t feel the same way. So here you are hooking up, no strings attached, like you said. What do you think might happen if one day you decide you don’t want to hook up anymore, for whatever the reason might be? Or say this, what if he confesses to you one day, thinking you’re hooking up with him because you might feel the same? What do you think might happen there? Honest question.”

Chan feels his heart sink to his stomach, shoulders slumping as the realization of just how ugly things could get if Hansol’s scenarios were to come true dawns on him. And while Hansol’s tone isn’t at all scolding, but rather laced with worry, the younger feel worse still. “I’d...I’d break his heart,” he replies, mentally beating himself over not having seriously considered the possibility earlier. _Selfish. Always so selfish, Lee Chan. You don’t deserve him._

“Right. Now imagine how breaking his heart would affect your dynamic with him. I’ll take it a step further - imagine what would again happen to our dynamic as a group. We just recovered from some major fallouts, Channie - misunderstandings that could’ve been avoided if there had just been better communication among us all. I just need you two to be responsible. So please just clarify your feelings with him, okay? You know I don’t mean to lecture you or anything; I hate doing that. I just need you to realize how ugly this could get if you’re not on the same page.”

“No, I understand. You’re right, hyung,” Chan concedes, looking up regretfully at a pleading Hansol. Worry is a sight that the maknae never likes to see on his otherwise carefree hyung’s face, so the guilt in his chest doubles in size and intensity. “I guess I didn’t think of it that way. I messed up. I’ll take care of it, don’t worry.”

Hansol lets out a sigh of relief, nodding and slumping back against his seat. “Alright, Channie. I’m trusting you!”

Chan nods in reassurance. “I’ll be responsible, I promise! Just...please don’t tell Seungkwan. Or anyone, actually. I’d really rather as few people know about us as possible.”

“I won’t, at least not unless I feel like someone is going to get hurt,” Hansol replies, watching Chan warily. “Which I’m counting won’t happen, right?”

“It won’t. I promise,” Chan is quick to affirm.

Hansol stares at Chan for a second longer before nodding a little and getting up. He claps Chan on the shoulder and walks away, heading backstage and leaving the younger alone with his thoughts once more. The maknae sighs to himself, shaking his head and downing the last of his now lukewarm coffee. Cringing at the bitterness once more, he looks up at the stage to find that Minghao, Mingyu, and Seokmin are thanking the staff for a good rehearsal. 

Seokmin’s eyes move from Hyerim toward the audience seating, somehow finding Chan in his little dimly lit corner. The vocalist’s lips stretch into a bright smile as he scrunches his nose at the younger. Chan finds his own lips quirking upward into a weak smile, the bitter bite of his coffee now overpowered by the sticky, sweet taste of honey coating his lips even as Hansol’s words of warning ring in his ears like a fire alarm.

And perhaps maybe Lee Chan, as grown up and mature as he believes himself to be, is just a little bit in over his head with this one.

~*~*~

The first official run through of Chan’s duet with Soonyoung goes more smoothly than anyone could have imagined. Soonyoung finds himself able to dance the choreography well, albeit taking it easy during rehearsals to protect his freshly healed ankle. Seokmin watches the pair from the side of the stage, prepared to step in for Soonyoung if needed. He never has to, with the unit leader insisting that he’s okay.

While Chan’s chemistry with Seokmin was undeniably strong all throughout the stage creation process, Chan can’t ignore just how much more confident and secure he feels performing alongside Soonyoung. The energy is completely different, and Chan feeds off of it more than he’d like to admit. Even though the genre is unlike anything Chan has ever tried - the two having chosen to perform their own rendition of the retro-R&B song “Make Me Feel” by Janelle Monáe - he feels that the final product suits the pair incredibly well. The pair had written their own Korean verses and kept the song’s original English chorus. Their choreography involves a lot of flirty push and pull between their stage characters, intricate footwork, sensuality, and even some silent acting throughout the song. 

Chan wonders if Soonyoung has ever second-guessed the stage, knowing what he knows about the younger and his feelings for him. Even if he has, Soonyoung doesn’t let such thoughts stop him from completely dominating their flirty, playfully sexy concept. And if Chan starts to feel just a little more than hot and bothered during practice - perhaps approaching a dangerously high level of worked up every time Soonyoung looks at him like _that_ , no one needs to know.

Or at least, no one who isn’t Lee Seokmin. Which is how Chan ends up dragging the elder into the nearest dressing room while no one is looking, locking the door behind him and pulling him in for a sloppy, heated kiss.

Seokmin’s eyes widen almost comically before he easily slips into their usual routine, pressing Chan against the wall and delving into the younger’s mouth like a starved animal offered a dinner platter piled to the top with food. Chan’s head grows hazy and light as he finds himself unable to suppress a sigh of delight when his teeth bite into the sugary sweet cake that is Seokmin’s bottom lip. The feeling makes his mouth water to an obscene degree, body starting to physically hurt with need.

What little rationality is left in him quickly becomes thankful, however, when Seokmin pulls away for air, blinking multiple times to get his wits about him. “Wait...Channie.” The younger’s name sounds like a question as Seokmin cocks his head slightly in confusion.

The younger whimpers with the loss of contact but still manages to hold onto his grip on reality just enough to think for a moment. “Was that too sudden?” Chan asks, trying not to squirm under Seokmin’s body.

The corner of Seokmin’s lip quirks upward slightly. “A little...what brought this on?”

Chan swallows, unsure of what to say - because what could he say? _I’m a horny loser with an embarrassingly high sex drive, and Soonyoung may have worked me up so badly that now I need you to quite literally fuck me into next week to make me forget about him?_

Yeah, he doesn’t think that’ll sit well with the elder. 

The younger’s eyes flick upward and meet Seokmin’s soft, round ones, and Hansol’s words slowly begin to make their way through the haze clouding his mind and reach the forefront of his mind. A rush of guilt fills him, because this is most definitely _not_ clearing the air between them. 

“Sorry hyung...I guess I’d gotten used to spending nights with you,” Chan replies tentatively. _That’s a safe response, right? Not misleading? Is it?_ He internally groans. _This is hard._

“Ahh,” Seokmin nods in realization, now full on smirking. “I think I see. Would you believe me if I told you I slept like shit for the same reason?”

Chan lets out a breathy laugh, struggling to keep his head afloat in this languid river of warm milk and honey that threatens to drown him underneath. ‘So you missed me.”

Seokmin rolls his eyes despite the blush now dusting over his sun-kissed cheeks. “You just want to hear me say it,” he mumbles, hands coming to rest on Chan’s hips.

The younger shrugs. “Whether you say it or not, I know it’s true. I win, hyung,” he replies coyly, biting his lip and struggling to contain a laugh.

“Hardly,” the elder replies despite moving in to catch Chan’s lips with his own again. 

He pauses in surprise when Chan stops him with a finger on Seokmin’s lips, pushing him away slightly. Chan knows he can’t put off this conversation anymore - not after Hansol made him realize just how badly things could go if they don’t establish platonic feelings right now. _After all, we’d just be stating the obvious, right? How hard could it be?_

“I want to talk about something first,” Chan says, taking a deep breath.

Seokmin backs away, quickly becoming serious. Chan instantly misses the warmth of his body. “What is it? Did I do something wrong?” Seokmin is quick to ask, seeming alarmed.

“No, no! Nothing like that. I just wanted us to clarify some things before we keep doing this.”

“Okay, sure...what’s on your mind?”

Chan pauses, looking for the right words to phrase what he really wants to ask. “So...I know we both agreed that this thing going on between us would be completely casual right? No strings attached.”

Seokmin is quick to nod, warm eyes attentive and transparent. “No strings attached. That is what you wanted this to be, right?”

“Yes! Just like that. So I was just thinking - and I mean, I guess I won’t be saying anything that’s not already obvious, since this thing between us is only casual sex. Anyway...I just wanted to make sure that there are only platonic feelings between us, right? Nothing else?” Chan asks, wincing a little at how the question comes out. Could he really not have thought of any less awkward way to phrase the question? 

Seokmin stares at Chan for a moment, expression completely unreadable. “Platonic feelings?”

“W-Well yeah! Like...I only see you as my hyung, and you only see me as your dongsaeng. I mean, of course you do! I’m not at all implying that you don’t. See me as more than just your dongsaeng, I mean. So yeah, that’s...that’s what I mean. Platonic feelings. Casual sex...right?”

If Chan could mentally facepalm, he’d punch himself out. _Congratulations, Lee Chan. You just made this a million times more awkward than it needed to be. Damn you Hansol for putting me through this! I’ll remember that next time you ask me for my dinner leftovers!_

Seokmin blinks once, twice, three times. Chan’s stomach lurches with nerves at his lack of reaction. “Right...” he finally replies, seeming more than taken aback at Chan’s words. “Of course, platonic feelings only. That’s the only way this could work...right?”

“Right!” Chan replies almost too enthusiastically, needing this conversation to be over as quickly as possible. “Sorry, I know that was totally obvious, and I probably didn’t need to bring it up. I just wanted to triple make sure. You know, to keep things clear. Not that you didn’t know that already! Just wouldn’t want any misunderstandings, right? We’ve had enough of those as a group, I think!”

_Please for the love of God, Chan. Shut up._

Seokmin nods, smiling softly. “Of course. Don’t worry, I appreciate it. It’s always better to be crystal clear with each other regarding these sorts of things, right?” he asks, hands dropping from Chan’s hips and slipping into his pullover hoodie.

Chan breathes a sigh of relief, grinning up at his hyung. “Right! Great, glad that’s out of the way,” he replies quickly, suddenly unsure of what to do with himself. It’s not like he’s still feeling worked up at all; the awkwardness in the air has effectively put a damper on his urges. Seokmin seems rather unsure of what to do with himself as well, rocking back on his heels a little and averting his gaze slightly.

“Um...did you maybe want to do something later? Spend a little time together?” Chan asks, scratching his neck and moving toward the locked door. “Sounds like we could both use it.”

Seokmin meets his eyes, and Chan instantly relaxes once he finds Seokmin’s usual warmth and fondness swimming in his honey-coated gaze. “Of course,” he replies sweetly, ruffling Chan’s hair and scrunching his nose affectionately. “Whatever you want, just let me know.”

Chan grins, now completely relaxing in Seokmin’s presence. He pulls the elder into a warm hug, face buried in his chest. “Thanks hyung. You’re the best.”

Seokmin’s toned arms encase him perfectly, and Chan smiles a little at the feeling of his hyung’s lips pressing a soft kiss into his hair. “I try.”

And it’s only when the two pull apart and make their way backstage again, easily mingling with the other members, that Seokmin’s choice of words finally registers in Chan’s head and makes him stop dead in his tracks.

_“That is what you wanted this to be, right?”_

_“Whatever you want, just let me know.”_

Chan feels his mouth go dry as he looks toward where Seokmin is carrying Soonyoung on his back, Jeonghan filming the two while munching on a granola bar.

“But...what do you want?” he whispers under his breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments of any kind are so greatly appreciated! even if i don't always get to reply to them all, i always read them and draw motivation from them! <3


	21. [soonyoung] i don’t think i like me anymore, will someone tell me who i was before?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jihoon confronts Soonyoung with a raw, difficult truth the dancer isn't ready to accept, and his world shatters to pieces because of it.
> 
> title from "Thin White Lies" - 5 Seconds of Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ BEFORE CONTINUING (this is a loaded and heavy chapter):
> 
> warnings // toxic relationship, fighting, verbal insults, non-descriptive mention of panic attack, aggression
> 
> ALSO very brief but important to note: there are hints here pointing to hidden, innocent feelings between minors - this is referring to a 3 year difference with both boys being in their teens and not explicit/sexual in the SLIGHTEST. this is mentioned in the most innocent way possible and with no implications of anything other wise. this was intended to be like a high school senior having an innocent crush on a freshman and doing absolutely NOTHING about it. i just want to include this disclaimer for my own protection and for clarification in case any issue with this particular detail arises. thank you for reading this ahead!

There are many things that Soonyoung is ignorant to, but one particular thought sticks to his mind like glue. While it doesn’t quite manage to leave him pondering all day long and draw his attention away from the things that really matter - like Jihoon’s slight misstep during their rehearsal of “Light a Flame,” Chan’s lack of focus during “Home Run,” or Jeonghan pretending that he didn’t just hold back a painful-looking gag after eating that granola bar earlier - this thought of his also isn’t one he is able to put away into a neat little black box and stack away into the recedes of his brain, ready to be forgotten amongst the rest of the clutter involving the tour and his apparent nerves at getting back on the stage for the first time in three months.

No, this thought takes the shape of the smallest nagging feeling, a slight tug at his insides, a weird tickle in his fingertips and a curl at his core, the pit of his belly. The thought is one he can’t find it himself to ignore completely, despite every bone in his body telling him that it isn’t quite any of his business - because he turned him down, right? His heart belongs to Jihoon, whether he likes it or not...right? There is not a single world in which such a thought should bother him, should cause him to startle awake at night, should invade his dreams and leave him sweating in the morning, the strange, cold sensation of dark tendrils wrapping around his mind and inner chest that come with the realization that he’s had had a nightmare sticking with him throughout the day and coming back to haunt him every so often at the most unrelated of occasions.

Still, the thought lingers just underneath the thin layers of his skin, feeling like an ant crawling just below. An subtle itch he cannot scratch, because it’s at the back of his throat, or deep in his ear, or in the recesses of his brain - places he cannot reach, cannot put his finger on, cannot quite distinguish. It comes back to the front of his mind every so often as a vague reminder, and strangely enough, a sensation akin to a sudden punch in the gut or an ominous storm cloud floating over his head boasting the near arrival of clapping thunder and flashing lightning settles into his side, between the second to last of his left rib. The bad gut feeling, many call it.

This thought has particular triggers. Such triggers include whenever Lee Chan’s hand lingers on one Lee Seokmin’s thigh a second longer than it should, or one Lee Seokmin wrapping his arms around Lee Chan’s waist, pulling him a bit closer, a bit tighter than normal among members. It visits him suddenly when he catches Lee Chan observing one Lee Seokmin too closely, like a specimen sitting helplessly under a microscope, under the watchful eye of an intrigued scientist. The thought sends cool shivers down his spine whenever he looks around and finds both Lee Chan and Lee Seokmin missing in a crowded room; interestingly enough, whenever he asks the others, Soonyoung seems to be the only person aware of the pair’s absence, as though the rest of the members were privy to some piece of information that has not yet been made known to him, readily accessible or apparent.

The thought hits him the hardest when he watches their hands intertwine, and while this is not uncommon to see among the group members, something about the way that Lee Chan and Lee Seokmin do it feels almost too intimate, as though not meant for other watching eyes to see.

It’s in the way Lee Chan turns an awkward shade of pink in these moments, underscoring the feeling that Soonyoung has barged in on a moment he wasn’t supposed to see. It’s in the way Lee Chan instantly recoils, pulling his hand back and into his lap like a child caught breaking a rule, touching that thing at the store he was explicitly instructed not to touch - because one should look, but not touch. It’s in the way Seokmin’s eyebrows twitch ever so slightly in confusion, or maybe disappointment, perhaps discontentment, but never ignorance. Like he misses it, like he doesn’t understand, like he’s hurt.

It’s in the way Lee Seokmin suddenly appears with a questionable bruise between his thighs between outfit changes, or a trail of three angry, red scratches running down his shoulder blade. It’s in the way Lee Chan tries his hardest to disguise what Soonyoung can vaguely make out as a slight limp when he walks, the most subtle of winces when he sits, the almost inaudible hiss that escapes his lips when he bends a certain way while practicing a choreography - sounding more like heated water left on a simmer on the stove than a human reaction to pain.

The thought is this: there is something much more than a close friendship going on between Lee Chan and Lee Seokmin. 

Soonyoung’s mouth tastes bitter at the thought, like the pungent aftertaste of imperial pale ale on his tongue. He doesn’t understand because again, why should such a thought sit so wrongly in his bones? So he ignores it time and time and time again, pushing the thought away with the realization that what may or may not be happening between the pair is quite literally none of his business, unless the group appears to be somehow affected. And that’s the thing - 

To Soonyoung’s eyes, Chan seems happier than he has in months or even the past two years. There is nothing about the two’s behavior that is hindering their performance the way Jeonghan and Joshua’s relationship had so obviously caused wedges in the group’s overall dynamic and professionalism. Soonyoung has absolutely no reason to question their relationship status or lack thereof. 

_You rejected him. What did you expect, for him to remain hung up on you for the rest of his life? He’s not you, Soonyoung._

The truth spoken by his own internal self makes his chest ache ever so slightly, because how many instances of flat out rejection did it take Soonyoung to finally accept that Jihoon was simply unattainable? How many times did Jihoon have to, sometimes quite literally, push him away for Soonyoung to internalize and respect that Jihoon simply had no remaining place left in his heart for him? How many times did Soonyoung have to hit rock bottom, hit concrete, hit the fan until finally swallowing down the bitter pill that was Jihoon’s _no_?

No, Chan _isn’t_ him. Soonyoung said no, and Chan willfully accepted it. And maybe, just maybe, his attention has shifted to one Lee Seokmin. He can’t even blame him. Seokmin is _perfect_.

He is everything Soonyoung can imagine anyone would want from a partner. He is loyal to a fault, honorable, selfless, almost impossibly giving, positive, bright, energetic, caring, generous, an incredible listener, understanding, honest, kind, handsome, warm, unabashed at the thought of skinship, mature, funny, extremely talented, and sweet. Why _wouldn’t_ Chan go for that?

And if Seokmin returns those feelings, _then good for him! Good for him! Be gay, do crimes, as they say!_

Still, he cannot fathom why that voice in his head sounds so comically sarcastic - which is why he finds himself coming to the only person who can ever make logical sense out of his thoughts.

“You like him,” Jihoon says flatly, despite the twinkle of amusement flashing in his eyes. “You fucking like Chan.”

“I do not!” Soonyoung protests instantly, frown unfortunately resembling more of a childish pout. Jihoon cocks an eyebrow in interest, smirking at him. Soonyoung knows what he’s thinking before he can even vocalize it. 

“No I do not look like a fucking _hamster_ , Ji. I am a tiger!”

“Then you’re the most hamsterish tiger I have ever seen in my life,” Jihoon mocks with a scoff. “Seriously though, you’re gonna sit there and tell me that after all you’ve told me about how you can’t stop thinking about the possibility of them being together or something, you don’t have some kind of feelings for him?”

“He’s my dongsaeng, Ji. He’s...no. He’s a baby.”

“Didn’t you tell me a while back that he’s grown up? He’s a _man_ , Soonyoung. You literally told me this yourself verbatim. Chan isn’t a kid anymore - he’s a man, and we should treat him as such. _That’s_ what you told me.”

Soonyoung rolls his eyes, grumbling under his breath about Jihoon always resorts to using his own words against him to argue against his points. “But that’s different! He’s a man in the sense of the word yes...but not like... _a man_ , you know?”

Jihoon stares at Soonyoung blankly for a moment before pursing his lips. “No, Soonyoung. I, in fact, do _not_ know. You’re making zero sense right now. Of course, that’s a common theme with you.”

“Hey! I didn’t come to you to get dragged!” Soonyoung protests again, lips settling into yet another one of his signature pouts. He refuses to acknowledge the way Jihoon’s eyes drop to his lips for a brief moment, cheeks dusting the slightest rose. 

Jihoon sighs deeply and rubs his eyes tiredly. “Then why did you come to me, Soon?”

“Because I need you to tell me that I’m not the only person thinking about this! That it’s perfectly normal to be curious about the questionable status of our group mates’ relationship and that I shouldn’t worry too much.”

“But you _are_ the only person obsessively thinking about the ‘questionable status of our group mates’ relationship.’ I don’t know what else to tell you besides the fact that you’ve obviously grown feelings for Chan and are now subconsciously regretting having rejected him.”

“But I’m not though. And I don’t have feelings for him! He’s just-”

“Yeah, yeah, your dongsaeng. You said that already.”

“Plus, I still haven’t gotten over-” Soonyoung’s eyes widen, and he immediately bites his tongue. Jihoon’s eyes cloud over slightly, dropping to his lap as he inhales sharply. The dancer swallows thickly and takes a breath, looking past Jihoon’s head and out the window overlooking the Fukuoka city lights, resembling a scattered sea of Caratbongs. He can see the concert venue at a distance, and he is reminded of how many excited fans will be lined up along the barricades of the same empty streets he can see. 

“Anyway...I just can’t feel that way for him. I can’t.”

“You can’t, or you won’t?” Jihoon asks. Soonyoung falls silent at that. “You know, there’s a reason why I told you about my suspicions that he liked you.”

“I wish you hadn’t.”

“Don’t you want to know why?” Jihoon asks sharply, frowning a bit. Soonyoung relents, sighing and nodding. The brunette wets his bottom lip before continuing. “I knew that if I told you, your attention would inevitably fall on him. You’re like that, Soon. You don’t catch interest in anything until someone plants the seed there.”

“That’s not true and you know it. Samuel’s comment about us had nothing to do with me growing feelings for you.”

“Yes it did, Soonyoung. You wouldn’t have looked at me twice that way if Samuel hadn’t said he thought we fought like a married couple. You wouldn’t have.”

His words are a jab to Soonyoung’s heart, and while the dancer wants so badly to protest, to insist that Jihoon is wrong, one thing holds true. There is truth in his words. Soonyoung’s interest in Jihoon sparked the day Samuel, in his young, naive age, insinuated that he and Jihoon looked like a married couple by how they fought. His innocent words were enough to plant a seed in Soonyoung’s mind and heart, until he found himself truly considering the idea of a future with Jihoon way down the road, complete with picket fences and a small garden and two little kids running around in tiger onesies, Jihoon filming them with one of those camcorders his parents filmed home movies on when he was a child, Soonyoung chasing and catching them, hoisting them onto his hips and pressing kisses to their round little cheeks. Samuel’s comment birthed an impossible dream, one that cost Soonyoung years’ worth of heartache and Jihoon years’ worth of painstaking denial.

His voice drops to a shaky whisper, breathy and hollow. Empty, like the future he’d dreamed up in such detail and had seen crushed under the weight of Jihoon’s foot time and time again. “You’re wrong,” he dares to push.

Jihoon shakes his head, bringing his knees up to his chest protectively. He looks so small and vulnerable this way, so guarded and scared. “You wouldn’t have, Soonie. I wasn’t your type.”

“You don’t know my type.”

“Chan is your type. He was when we were younger, and he is now that we’re older. You don’t have to run away from those feelings out of some sense of loyalty to me.”

“Jihoon, stop-”

“Why? You came to me looking for honesty. Here it is, raw and uncut. Some part of you has always felt something for Chan. You knew he was off limits because of the age gap, so you buried it deep, rammed into your head the mentality that he was still a kid and therefore not anyone you could afford to like. Along came Samuel who made that comment, and in desperation to root out that something you felt for Chan and replace it with something else, you became interested in me. We fell for each other, and still us being together would end in disaster. So you’re empty-handed again and ridden with confusion, trying to make sense of some deeply rooted feelings you’d suppressed years ago that I unearthed when I told you Chan had feelings for you. Now you’re adamantly in denial because all those years ago, you convinced yourself that Chan was too young and therefore completely off limits. Except he isn’t a kid anymore, Soonyoung. He’s a grown ass man that you can very well have something real and amazing with, but you’re too stubborn to see it. And now, you’re upset because he may or may not have moved on because deep down, you know that the chance you’d been burning for all that time ago was right here-” Jihoon points a finger vertically into his palm - “in your hand, and you lost it. You let it slip right through your fingertips. You let it go.”

Jihoon’s eyes are dangerously on the brink of overflowing with long held back tears. He is choking up, lips trembling as he struggles to hold himself back. Soonyoung can only gawk at him in shock, his own eyes also burning with Jihoon’s words. He feels dissected, laid out on a medical table and cut open, layer after layer peeled back until his heart is left on display, red and full and pumping blood through his vessels. A fiery hot rush of anger flows through those same vessels in this moment, with Jihoon’s piercing, watery gaze still continuing to pick him apart and dissect him the way only he knows how.

He wants to hate Jihoon so badly for exposing him this way, laying out all of his thoughts and emotions bare and in the open for Soonyoung to be confronted with, a mixture of denial, anger, embarrassment, shame, and guilt flooding his chest, all because of Jihoon’s reverse psychology bullshit. He feels turned on, as though Jihoon, with that detestable habit of picking him apart like a bug under a scope or a subject under a psychologist’s prying, watchful eyes, had pulled out a rocket launcher and shot him in the chest, setting his body aflame.

“Fuck you,” Soonyoung spits through gritted teeth, hands trembling and face burning. “Just fuck you.”

Jihoon stares at him wildly, as though he’d grown eight heads in a split second. “W-What?”

Soonyoung stands up abruptly, tears beginning to spill down his cheeks like a steady waterfall. I said fuck you, Lee Jihoon. Fuck you for reducing my feelings for you to some fucked up way of getting over a kid. Fuck you for picking me apart like some shrink. I’m not your fucking patient, Lee Jihoon! Quit trying to dissect me to pieces!”

Jihoon’s teeth chatter, pale face beginning to turn crimson red. “I don’t need to dissect you at all, Soonyoung! You’re just that fucking easy to piece together! You think you’re so damn hard to read? You think you’re that good at hiding how you feel? You’re just angry that I saw right through your bullshit! You can’t hide from me, Kwon Soonyoung! You should know better after all these years! I know who you are!”

“You don’t know a damn thing! You don’t get to know me when all you do is hide! Time after time I tried to know you better, to figure out what was going on in that impossible head of yours and you refused to let me in! So no, you don’t get to know me at all. And you’re wrong about all of it. All of it, Jihoon!”

“I don’t fucking understand,” Jihoon cries, nose red and running as he tries to wipe away the endless flow of tears that won’t stop flowing through the cracks, like putting a bandaid over a broken dam and hoping that the flow would quit long enough to repair the cracks. It’s futile. Soonyoung knows Jihoon better; he won’t be able to stop crying for the rest of the night, even after he retires back to his own hotel room, even after Wonwoo returns from the bookstore he’d wanted to visit on his trip here and heads to bed for the night, even after the lights go out and it’s 3am and Jihoon can’t get a wink of sleep because all he can do is cry and cry and cry. “I just don’t understand you, Soonyoung. You come to me looking for honesty and then turn all of your insecurity on me like I’m the villain in this story. Why did you even bother when you couldn’t handle the truth? Why are you turning on me?”

“I don’t know! You tell me, Jihoon, since you’re so damn fucking great at picking me apart and figuring me out as though you _were_ me! Enlighten me please! Why am I attacking poor little you, always the victim?”

Jihoon chokes on a sob, shaking his head and standing up from his bed to leave. “You’re being an asshole, Soonyoung. Just stop it-”

Soonyoung’s head is throbbing, ablaze with a million and one emotions he can’t sort through. The tiniest, rational part of his brain left is screaming at him, telling him he’s being ridiculous, that yes, he is in fact being an asshole for no reason, that he simply cannot handle being told the truth, no matter how much it hurts. He quickly steps in between Jihoon and the door, shaking hands balled into fists and the corners of his vision beginning to turn red. His heart is racing, veins pumping with an unhealthy dose of adrenaline. He can see the same in Jihoon, except while Soonyoung defaults to fight, Jihoon defaults to flight. “Don’t you fucking walk away from me. We aren’t done here!”

“I think we are, Soonyoung. Get out of my fucking way,” the shorter man cries, moving to push past Soonyoung. The dancer is faster, catching him and pushing him back into his bed. Jihoon’s back bounces onto the mattress. He quickly gathers himself and sits up, backing away from a raging Soonyoung. The dancer predicts Jihoon’s break for the door from the opposite side before Jihoon can even begin moving. He backs away and blocks the door, eyes shooting laser beams at Jihoon from a distance.

“I said tell me!”

“Soonie, please just stop-”

“Stop playing the fucking victim, Jihoon! No one hurt you! Do you know how many times you broke my heart over the years? Time and time again, and I always crawled back to you hoping one day you’d change your answer! I never hurt you, no one ever did! When are you going to stop deflecting and turning all of your emotional baggage onto me when you’re the problem?”

Jihoon grips the hem of his black pullover so tightly his knuckles have gone pale white. His eyes are now red-rimmed and ugly, cheeks red and inflamed, chest heaving for air that just won’t fill his lungs. “No...I never said that,” he chokes, breathless and on the verge of a nervous breakdown that Soonyoung is just too angry to acknowledge. “I never said I got hurt-”

“Then what are you saying, huh? What are you accusing me of, huh? That I used you? That what I felt for you wasn’t real? That all this shit, all of my heartbreak, was my fault because I hung myself up on you to shake off a crush on someone who was a _minor_ at the time?”

“Can you fucking let me talk-”

“You’re a privileged, entitled, insecure, pathological liar with a victim complex, Lee Jihoon!”

“Kwon Soonyoung, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jihoon screams, throwing his flip-flop at the dancer’s head. “Get out! Get the fuck out!”

Soonyoung ducks, the flip-flop narrowly missing his head. The action causes him to freeze in position, staring down Jihoon with wide eyes that make the shorter man shiver and cower into the corner of the room. Soonyoung can feel his blood beginning to boil and hiss, bubbling to the brim and on the brink of spilling over. Even the most irrational side of him fears what could happen once that cup overflows.

And then he’s laughing. Laughing. Laughing so loud and so hard that his gut feels about ready to split open and his neck veins begin to bulge. He feels unhinged, like something about Jihoon cutting into him so deeply and now fighting him, being on the receiving end of Jihoon’s insults has snapped something inside him. He knows he’s acting completely irrational; this isn’t like him. Soonyoung has never lashed out this way at Jihoon; he never once imagined he would have the ability to. His love for Jihoon has never been something he’s even remotely called into question, and Jihoon now putting those feelings in doubt causes such a fracture in his already throbbing heart that he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to repair it.

“You just...you just threw...a fucking flip-flop...at my head,” Soonyoung gasps through his laughter, clutching at his side. Tears he isn’t even sure are from the laughter or from the hurt pour down his cheeks incessantly. “Is this what you did to Shua-hyung? You pushed him to the point of attacking you, didn’t you?” Soonyoung chokes out, senses on overload and mind about to black out. “And then you sat there in my arms and played the victim-”

“Don’t bring Shua-hyung into this!” Jihoon wails, cowering in the corner of the room. The dancer realizes in this moment that he’s worked his way across the room, trembling frame now towering over Jihoon. “You fucking asshole, don’t go there!”

Soonyoung throws the flip-flop at Jihoon, who’s now sunk to the floor and wrapped his arms protectively around himself. He finds it quite ironic, actually - the brunette cowering away from him as though Soonyoung could ever lay a finger on him. Meanwhile, Jihoon has shoved him several times in the past, most recently fracturing his ankle, has thrown random blunt objects at him over the years, this time being a flip-flop, slapped his hands away more times than he can count, and hurled wave after wave of insults at him. Soonyoung isn’t a stranger to Jihoon physically lashing out at him, but something about tonight burns him more than ever before.

The shoe lands forcefully at Jihoon’s feet because again, he could never hurt Jihoon, even in his all-consuming fury. “You’re so full of shit, Lee Jihoon!”

“No, _you’re_ the one full of shit! You can’t handle the truth when it’s given to you, you project your own insecurities on others, and you’re so damn prideful, you think everything revolves around you! And you know what? I hate you. I’m so fucking glad I never gave you a chance!” Jihoon screams, now on the brink of hyperventilating. Soonyoung stumbles back at the impact of his words, heart instantly torn into shreds.

Soonyoung’s mouth gapes open and shut multiple times in search of something to say. Nothing comes out. Of all the terrible things Jihoon has said to him over the years, nothing has hurt this horribly - like his heart is being crushed into fine dust, like his chest is being snapped in half.

A sob rips its way out of Soonyoung’s chest, the hurt being too much to bear. He shakes his head, backing away from Jihoon, who gasps for air and stares at him with a mixture of hatred, sorrow, and regret. “You...How...how could you say that? How could you be so cruel?” he cries, fingers tightening in his auburn locks and tugging painfully. He feels like a shell of himself, like his soul has left his body and all that remains is an empty carcass for Jihoon to finish crushing.

“No, you pushed me there...you did it to yourself,” Jihoon counters, his small body shaking uncontrollably as he forces himself up. “Why didn’t you just leave? You could’ve just left…”

“You asshole, how could I leave after all that shit you said to me?” Soonyoung shouts, rounding on Jihoon. He’s dangerously close to doing something he’ll regret; he can feel the irrationality brimming in his bones.

Jihoon seems to sense the same thing, eyes widening in panic. He suddenly launches forward and shoves Soonyoung backward with all his strength, intending to break for the door.

And it’s a terrible replay, a suffocating sense of deja-vu that Soonyoung feels in his chest as his body collides with the floor. The fury coursing through his veins is knocked out of him instantly. His head smacks against the carpeted floor, a searing hot pain shooting up his just barely healed ankle. Soonyoung cries out, curling on himself and reaching for the source of the pain blindly. One hand grips his ankle, the other slamming against the floor in pain. 

Jihoon is instantly kneeling at his side, panicked breaths coming short, shallow, and ragged. “N-No...no, no, no! Soonie no! Shit! Soonie I...oh, fuck, Soonie I’m so sorry! What did I do? What did I fucking do?” he sobs, hands hovering over his body, unsure where to start. “Soonie, what do I do?”

“Just back off,” Soonyoung cries, his world crashing down completely, glass shards shattering to pieces around him. In this moment, remembering just how much depended on his healed ankle, remembering that he is a professional singer and dancer about to embark on a dome tour, remembering that Chan was depending on him - the _group_ was depending on him - Soonyoung realizes his mistake in staying.

Jihoon begged him to leave because he knew how this would end. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so, so sorry,” Jihoon sobs, hand settling in his hair and running through his locks over and over. “Soonie, please forgive me…why did I do that? Shit...”

Soonyoung refuses to open his eyes, focusing on the solidity of the floor underneath his body. No, he would never lay a finger on Jihoon, and still, the brunette finds it almost too easy. Is it his fault? Did he reduce himself to just some ragdoll that could be tossed around, stampeded upon until he was left hurt and broken beyond fixing? Is it his fault that Jihoon has hurt him over and over? Is he the real bad guy in this story, pushing Jihoon to lash out because he simply doesn’t know when to quit? 

How could he blame Jihoon now, seeing as how the brunette begged him to leave before things could escalate, and Soonyoung pressed on and on and on - maybe out of pride, maybe out of denial, maybe out of resentment, or maybe out of hurt?

Soonyoung only cracks his eyes open when the searing pain dies down to a dull hum. He tests his ankle, rolling it slightly. It throbs at the motion, but not nearly as badly as the first time. Maybe at least his ankle will emerge okay from this bloody battle.

He feels a hot tear drop on his cheek, but it’s not his. He turns his head slightly to find Jihoon’s face hovering over his head, contorted in undeniable agony. Soonyoung sees him now - sees the mess that is Jihoon’s head, the damage he’s inflicted on him, the hurt in his eyes. He sees how maybe, just maybe, all those things he called Jihoon, all those insults he hurled at him in his fury, were not meant for Jihoon, but for himself.

Maybe he is proud. Maybe he does project his insecurities onto others. Maybe he is toxic. Maybe Jihoon is better off without him. Maybe Chan is too.

“Don’t say that...I didn’t mean it,” Jihoon cries, and it’s then that Soonyoung realizes he’s spoken his thoughts aloud. “I didn’t mean any of it - God, Soonie, I’m so sorry.”

Soonyoung shakes his head, forces himself upright. Jihoon helps him sit up straight, tearful eyes watching him expectantly for any sign of pain. “I should’ve left. I had it coming.”

“You didn’t-”

“It’s fine,” Soonyoung cuts him off hoarsely, insides still hurting more than he’s ever thought possible. He stands up, ignoring the way Jihoon stares at him with guilt and hurt. “I had it coming. I hope you can forgive me for all the stupidities I said.”

“But Soonyoung-”

The dancer shakes his head, backing away with a slight limp. He winces at the throbbing coming back with each step. “I’m not blaming you. You thought I was going to hurt you. It’s fine.”

“When did this become a thing? Us fearing getting hurt by the other? Why do we keep doing this to each other?” Jihoon croaks, wiping furiously at the tears that just won’t stop flowing.

The dancer swallows. “Maybe because you were right all along...we’re just bad for each other.” 

He turns his back to the singer and exits, unable to be in Jihoon’s presence any longer.

Soonyoung limps his way to the elevator, holding onto the shred of hope that with a night’s rest and some tape tomorrow, his ankle will survive opening night. It’s all he has left to hold onto after the bloodbath that was his fight with Jihoon, all over something he just couldn’t accept.

A part of him continues to believe that Jihoon was wrong about everything - and still the smallest of voices in his head tells him that just maybe...Jihoon was right.

Which makes their fight that much worse, because Soonyoung picked a fight over a truth Jihoon was so bold to tell him. Because the fight and all of its consequences could’ve been avoided if Soonyoung hadn’t gotten so defensive, so fired up, so agitated. He still has no clue where such vivid, hot anger came from, but wherever that place be, he hates it.

Soonyoung doesn’t like himself anymore.

He swipes into his shared room with Chan, still empty. He stands in the middle of the room, eyes focused on Chan’s empty bed. Soonyoung sighs; _none of your business. Don’t go there._

He’s exhausted, completely drained of physical and mental energy. His phone dings in his pocket multiple times - a slew of continuous apologies from Jihoon. He ignores them all; after all, the dancer isn’t even sure Jihoon was in the wrong this time.

His mind reels even as he tries to sleep, tossing and turning in his bed. Jihoon’s words replay in his head over and over - how he told Soonyoung about his suspicions of Chan’s feelings because he knew they’d divert his attention to Chan. Jihoon wanted Soonyoung to forget him, find solace in Chan. Jihoon set everything up so masterfully that Soonyoung himself hadn’t even seen his intentions. 

Guilt eats at his insides like an earthworm eating through soil, burrowing deeper and deeper into the earth. Jihoon acted completely selflessly, pushing aside his own deep-rooted feelings for Soonyoung and trying to set him and Chan up. He wanted Soonyoung to move on and find someone better, someone who could love him the way Jihoon never could. The realization brings on a fresh wave of tears down his cheeks.

He manages to drift off into a light slumber eventually, only startled awake by the sound of the hotel door cracking open and Chan slipping in. He looks drained to exhaustion.

Chan gasps as soon as he notices Soonyoung’s eyes open and watching him. “Shit, sorry hyung. Did I wake you?”

Soonyoung shakes his head. “Can’t sleep,” he replies, wincing at how hoarse his voice sounds. He prays internally that it’ll recover by tomorrow. This really wasn’t the night to be getting into a screaming match with Jihoon, especially over something the brunette was perhaps the smallest bit right on. Soonyoung still can’t decide just how true or untrue Jihoon’s words are.

Still, he can’t deny that his broken, abused heart warms up just the infinitesimal bit when Chan pouts in worry. “Are you okay? You don’t sound too good, hyung.”

_Am I okay? How do I even answer that at this point?_

Soonyoung shrugs. “Just anxious about tomorrow.”

Chan hums in understanding despite still not seeming convinced. “Me too...you know, sometimes it helps to talk it out. Seokminnie-hyung and I do it often. It relieves some stress.”

_Seokmin-hyung. Right._

“It’s okay, don’t worry about me,” Soonyoung replies. “Are you okay?”

Chan smiles gently, seemingly disappointed that Soonyoung has brushed him off. “I am. Tired though. Didn’t sleep well last night.”

“How come?”

The younger sighs, averting his gaze. Soonyoung notices the way he bites his lip in thought before replying. “Guess I’m just used to sleeping with someone now. It felt weird to sleep alone.”

“You mean Seokmin?” And is it Soonyoung, or does his voice sound as flat as he feels?

And there it is, Chan’s signature tiny blush. That nagging thought tugs at his insides again - the one that got him into this huge mess with Jihoon. “I guess…”

“You can be honest if you and Seokmin are together or something,” Soonyoung is saying before he can stop himself. “I’m not going to judge you.”

Chan’s eyes widen almost comically. “I- no, no nothing like that. We aren’t...no, there’s no relationship hyung. You guys would know if there was.”

“But there’s something right?” Soonyoung presses, sitting up in his bed.

The maknae seems uncomfortable, as though Soonyoung has backed him into a verbal corner. He seems to be doing that a lot tonight, it seems. “Hyung...where is this coming from?”

Soonyoung swallows thickly. Where is it coming from? “I just...I’ve noticed some things, is all.”

Chan blanches. “What kind of things?”

“The kind of things that tell me there’s something going on between you two, Chan. The blushing, the skinship, the bruises, the closeness. All of it.” Soonyoung sounds exhausted and perhaps slightly irritable. 

Chan doesn’t reply for a moment, staring at Soonyoung unreadably. “Hyung...are you sure you’re okay? You’re not being yourself.”

Soonyoung reels himself back, realizing how strange he must be sounding. _Again, none of your business, Soonyoung_. He sighs and shakes his head. “Not really.”

Chan doesn’t ask for details, much like Soonyoung often never asks for any from him when he’s upset. The maknae frowns a little and nods. He makes his way over to Soonyoung and, before the dancer can question it, Chan is crawling under the covers and settling into his side. 

The position is nothing new; Soonyoung has fallen asleep with Chan curled into his side plenty of times. Still, tonight, the action means something different. Soonyoung _feels_ different. His arm naturally wraps around Chan’s waist, pulling him closer.

“You don’t have to tell me what it is. Just know that I’m here for you...I always will be,” Chan says softly, running his fingers comfortingly through Soonyoung’s hair. From up close, Chan’s small eyes reflect back worry and something deeper - longing, maybe. His thumb gently glides over Soonyoung’s puffy, red-rimmed eyes. “What’s got you crying so much, hyung?”

Soonyoung’s lips wobble precariously. He wants to answer so badly, but it’s as though he’s gone mute on the subject of Jihoon. The hurt in his entire body - the rawness of the heartbreak - won’t let him speak, silencing him like a gag. His tongue feels heavy, and in that moment, Soonyoung knows he won’t be able to say a word.

Chan understands; he always does. “You don’t have to answer,” he says softly, scooting closer and hugging Soonyoung tightly. “Just know I’m with you no matter what. I’m for _you_.”

And while Soonyoung doesn’t know what to do with this information - with the implication behind Chan’s words, he holds onto them like a lifeline, the only thing buoying him above water.

Soonyoung cries into Chan’s arms that night, and only there is he able to find peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to everyone reading and commenting, this means the world to me. thank you so much for interacting and letting me know how i'm doing. i get valuable insight and information from your comments especially with how to frame coming chapters, so please drop a comment below! can be short or super long, i love anything <3
> 
> there's so much good stuff still coming, so thank you for not abandoning me yet on this wild ride of a fic!


	22. [soonyoung] i've never been this scared before, feelings i just can't ignore

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Soonyoung can't decide what to do with his rekindled feelings for Chan, and things go south on opening night.
> 
> title from "safety net" - Ariana Grande feat. Ty Dolla $ign

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe how late i am on this omg...it's like i shut down for the holidays and only just started writing again. i'm really sorry for the delay on this y'all thank you for being so patient <3 i decided that i wasn't done with soonyoung's pov so here's what's going on in his head.
> 
> warning: mentions of vomiting

_Soonyoung can feel his temperature rising higher and higher, blood boiling so hot that every last rational thought becomes drowned in the searing touch running over his body, the soft lips writing love poems on his bare skin like a pen on parchment. Soonyoung tilts his head back, chin upward, lips parted as he inhales sharply, fiery auburn hair splayed out on the pale white sheets underneath him like a splatter of red ink. Every last of his inhibitions have faded away as those hands he’s become so acquainted with as friends and as brothers swirl around his burning hot skin as though casting a spell, entrapping Soonyoung in their clutches like a bird in the hands of a predator. His lover kisses him as though the world were about to end, as though the only comfort and salvation left were in Soonyoung and Soonyoung alone. He memorizes the taste of his lover to the finest detail - soft, fluffy, cotton candy - the pink kind - sugary and sweet._

_Soonyoung’s heart lights aflame, brought to life from a kind of death he never knew he’d succumbed to. Darkness becomes light as the icy cold tendrils of fear and insecurity morph into something much warmer, much more intoxicating - like hot chocolate on a freezing winter’s day. Soonyoung’s body comes to life on its own, mind hazy and incapable of quite processing any information that isn’t sensory. He latches onto his lover like a lifeline, like an anchor keeping him from drifting off to sea. Time stops passing as their kiss becomes more and more insistent, Soonyoung driven by a newfound desire to consume just about every part of the man above him. His fingers tangle in his lover’s thick locks, tugging and gripping, legs wrapping around his waist. He can feel himself ascending into a new kind of paradise, one he never thought himself worthy of, one he always deemed out of his reach, like water flowing through his fingers. His breaths come hotter and heavier, chest fluttering and filling with white heat - life._

_He has no escape from this place, wrapped around the delicate finger pushing its way past Soonyoung’s lips and into his mouth. Their song and dance is one that Soonyoung has come to recognize as a routine, as though the pair had never been anything but lovers, this bed both their baptismal bath and battlefield. Soonyoung’s head is throbbing in the best and worst ways possible. His body shakes under the touch insistently pushing him further and further into the mattress. Soonyoung finds himself teetering on a dangerously thin tightrope, only one sudden move from plummeting into a sea of crimson red paint and drowning in the soul of his lover._

_“You look so perfect this way, so beautiful,” his lover’s voice speaks softly against his skin, as though reverently worshipping something so holy that speaking its name might condemn them both. His lips drag down Soonyoung’s bare skin, leaving behind blazing trails in their wake._

_“Please,” Soonyoung can only breathe, eyes welling up and mind just too foggy and hot to conjure up any other sensible answer. “Please, please, please.” His voice sounds so unlike himself, almost as though belonging to someone else he doesn’t know. He does not recognize this version of himself - the one who begs and pleads, reduces himself to putty in his lover’s hands to mold and sculpt like clay in a master potter’s hands. He’s small, vulnerable, scared._

_A soft, tentative hand cups his cheek. “Shh...it’s okay. I’ve got you…”_

_“Please,” Soonyoung repeats shakily, the mere idea of this feeling suddenly vanishing into thin air threatening to crush his barely together heart. The pieces only just hang on, only just stick together haphazardly after what feels like an eternity of picking up the tiny shards and gluing them back together. There’s school glue and scotch tape, stitches and staples, paperclips and pushpins, bandaids and binder clips keeping the pulpy, red thing just about together, sloppy and quite pathetic. Still, it’s his heart, and right now, the sad little thing lies in his lover’s hands._

_Soonyoung doesn’t know whether he’s begging for stimulation or for mercy anymore._

_“I won’t leave. I won’t break your heart. I’ll take care of you. I promise...Soonie-hyung.”_

_Soonyoung gasps and arches his back._

Waking up is, unlike Soonyoung’s impossibly vivid dream, quite anticlimactic in nature. There is no bolting upright, no gasp, no wide eyes, no sweating or panting. Soonyoung’s eyes simply flutter open at the sound of his phone alarm ringing softly. His mouth is uncomfortably dry, and he is instantly reminded of how much he cried into Chan’s arms last night.

Chan. Lee Chan. Soonyoung’s heart slams against his chest a little harder than it should at the thought of the younger sleeping in his bed last night. It’s only then that he comes to realize that, unlike last night, he is alone under the fluffy white covers.

The sheets feel strangely cold, like something is missing. Chan’s warmth no longer clings to him, wrapping around his body like a plush blanket. Soonyoung rubs his eyes tiredly and swings his legs over the side of the bed, frowning a little as he notices Chan’s absence across the room. He moves to pick up his phone from the bedside table, pausing in his movements when he finds a tall glass of water sitting next to the device. A soft smile pulls at the corner of the dancer’s lips, Chan’s thoughtfulness tugging at something new and strange in his chest. He reaches for the glass first, downing the entire cup in just a few seconds to quench the terrible thirst. He grimaces only slightly as he tastes his morning breath. 

Soonyoung then stops the alarm on his phone. Jihoon’s texts from last night, accompanied by a few more sent around four in the morning, sit in his notification center waiting to be opened. Soonyoung was right - Jihoon must not have gotten a wink of sleep last night. Soonyoung is surprised at how well he himself slept; then again, the emotional exhaustion combined with Chan’s warm body holding him close does serve as a unique and effective sort of melatonin.

The bathroom door creaking open catches Soonyoung’s attention. Chan walks out, toweling his wet hair dry. He pauses in his tracks when he notices Soonyoung’s eyes on him, and the elder suddenly wonders just how terribly red and puffy his face must look. Chan still offers him his usual smile, youthful and bright like the maknae himself. “Soonie-hyung,” Chan says. “You’re awake.”

Soonyoung feels goosebumps erupt over his skin at his name on Chan’s lips, reminiscent of the last thing he remembers having dreamt - Chan’s breathy, gentle voice whispering his name against his burning hot skin. The unit leader swallows thickly, wincing at the dryness of his throat. “Hey Channie,” he replies, scratching his head and combing his fingers through his wild auburn locks. “Thanks for the water. I needed it.”

The younger hums in acknowledgment, pulling the towel around his neck and plopping down on the bed next to him. “Feeling any better?” he asks, running his fingers through Soonyoung’s hair to presumably fix it some.

Soonyoung can only nod, unsure of how else to put in words the concoction of strange and new emotions bubbling inside him like a potion in a cauldron. “Thanks for last night...you didn’t have to stay up with me,” he replies, not quite able to meet Chan’s gaze. His skin prickles at the younger’s closeness, conflicting thoughts tangling into a ball he cannot begin to pull apart yet. “I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You don’t need to apologize for that, hyung. I told you I’m for you. You don’t have to tell me what happened. All I care about is that you’re okay now, and I want to help in any way I can.” Chan’s gaze is transparent, earnest. His smile is genuine, reassuring in nature and spirit. He reaches his hand across his lap to take Soonyoung’s into his own, and as much as the elder would like to ignore or deny it, he feels a spark of electricity at the younger’s touch course through his veins in a split second. His hand involuntarily twitches, which Chan seems to immediately take as a sign that he’s crossed a line.

He recoils instantly, a flash of regret and embarrassment reflected in his small, brown eyes. “Sorry,” he is quick to say, cheeks flushing with shame. “I didn’t mean to overstep.”

Soonyoung shakes his head, reaching for the younger’s hand and squeezing it. “No no, you didn’t. It’s okay,” he reassures Chan, who still seems unsure. “It was a reflex, that’s all.”

“Are you sure? I mean, given everything that...well you know…” Chan trails off, ears reddening. Soonyoung is overcome by a strong sense of endearment, the smallest twinge of amusement, and a hint of smugness. 

“I’m sure Channie. Thank you again,” Soonyoung replies, unable to stop a timid smile from pulling at the corner of his lip. “I don’t think I could’ve fallen asleep without you there.”

Chan grins at that, shifting closer to Soonyoung. “Really?” The elder nods. “I actually slept really well last night, hyung. I think I just needed to sleep next to someone again.”

And there it is - the bitter reminder. Suddenly that nagging, subtle feeling - the _question_ that began this whole ordeal - comes back. This time, however, it grows into something larger. It’s no longer just an itch he can’t scratch. The feeling is more of a dull ache behind his eyes, an unpleasant curl in his belly. Soonyoung cannot put a name to it.

“You know, if it helps you sleep better, you’re always welcome to crawl into bed with me. I don’t mind, really,” Soonyoung offers, and if the thought sends a tiny wave of fond warmth washing over his body, no one needs to know.

Soonyoung watches Chan’s eyes flicker with different emotions at once. “Oh...I mean, are you sure? Again, I really don’t want to push my limits or make you uncomfortable, hyung. I can sleep on my own, honestly-”

Soonyoung sighs. “Channie...if I’m telling you it’s okay, I _mean_ it. If you need someone next to you to sleep better, just come to me. I promise I’m okay with it - mainly because you’re not a kicker,” Soonyoung jokes for good measure.

Chan giggles in response, the sound bringing a new kind of lightness to Soonyoung’s chest - as though a crushing weight had just been lifted off of him and replaced with something airy and light, akin to the soft breeze and flowery scent of early spring. “Don’t let Jun-hyung hear that!” Soonyoung chuckles along with him, only now realizing how badly he needed a laugh after last night. It does not get lost on Soonyoung the way Chan has always been able to draw them out of him effortlessly.

“So let him hear! He kicks hard! I even pushed him out of bed once because of it! And would you believe the man didn’t even wake up? Just laid there on the floor out like a light!”

“Okay but honestly a trailer truck could ram into the dorms at three in the morning and he would be the only one to _not_ be woken up by the impact,” Chan laughs, shaking his head at the thought of the dancer’s heavy sleep tendencies. “Anyway...if you’re sure you’re okay with it, I think I’d prefer to sleep with you than alone on my own bed.” Chan’s cheeks turn pink at the admission, averting his gaze down to their still intertwined hands. 

“Okay,” Soonyoung replies, wiggling their hands a little to get Chan’s attention again. Chan looks up then, meeting the elder’s gaze intently. For a split second, Soonyoung feels the smallest fraction of the emotions that had been flowing through his veins so freely in his dream; he is overcome by the strangest sensation that time has stood still around them. Soonyoung can’t quite look away, Jihoon’s words echoing in his head like a mantra he can’t drill out. Chan’s breath seems to catch, lips parting mid-inhale. 

Soonyoung can feel his skin growing inexplicably hotter and his heart palpitating a little faster than normal, and in a split second, he decides that he hates it. 

He clears his throat suddenly, untangling his hand from Chan’s and standing up from the bed. The spell is immediately broken, Chan seeming to shake off whatever had been brewing between the two not a moment before. “W-We should be heading down soon. Long day ahead,” Soonyoung says stiffly, feeling a twinge of guilt at the way Chan winces. 

“Right...okay. I’ll meet you downstairs then, hyung. Are you sure you’re-”

“I’m fine, Chan,” Soonyoung says a little too forcefully, once again feeling the same clash of conflicting emotions warring inside of him. “Really.”

Chan frowns, eyebrows twitching in confusion at the elder’s sudden change in tone. “Okay, if you say so,” he mumbles with a pout. He moves to his side of the room and collects his essentials as Soonyoung sifts through his luggage for a change of clothes. Chan leaves without another word, the sound of the door closing behind him making Soonyoung flinch more than he should. 

He’s left once again alone with his thoughts, and upon second thought, he decides he hates this even more than the fact that Jihoon may, in fact, have been right all along. 

Even as he showers, Soonyoung grimaces at the bitter taste this realization leaves in his mouth.

~*~*~

Two hours till showtime. The stylists and makeup artists rush back and forth making final adjustments on the members’ costumes and touching up their faces. Members of the camera and sound crews call instructions to each other through the earpieces they wear. Hyerim drifts between members, continuously assessing their conditions. 

Something in the air feels strange, unnerving. Even as Soonyoung watches their Japanese fans pour into the venue and listens to the buzz of their excitement from his spot backstage, he can’t shake the heavy feeling growing in his chest. Perhaps his unease stems from the dull ache in his ankle. Despite having felt relatively okay in the morning, throughout the day the same ache from last night began to grow. He refuses to tell anyone for fear of getting Jihoon into any trouble for what he himself had caused. Soonyoung tries to keep as much weight off of it as he can without calling the attention of curious eyes to himself, but still he worries.

To make matters worse, Minghao told him a little while ago that the venue staff screwed up; the crew in charge of stage prep polished the floor one too many times, leaving it more slippery than it should be. There wasn’t enough time to correct the error, so Hyerim warned them to be wary of their steps. They’d all have to be perfectly in control of every movement to avoid slipping, something Soonyoung is beginning to doubt himself able to do with his ache.

His sharp, upturned eyes scan over the members backstage. Seungkwan and Seokmin are going over vocal exercises together. Seungcheol is running through lines from “Ah! Love” with Joshua, feeling nervous about his singing bits. Wonwoo and Mingyu are bouncing lines from “Back It Up” off of each other, tweaking their styles to better fit the live audience experience. Jeonghan sits on the opposite end of the room, sipping on water and talking to Hyerim. His eyes look tired, and by the way that a makeup artist continuously comes up to him and touches up the spots under his eyes, Soonyoung imagines how dark they must be.

Jeonghan still hasn’t quite recovered his appetite, managing only to keep light things down - a granola bar here, a banana there, a bowl of seaweed and egg soup that Minghao places in front of him from time to time, countless cups of water, and if he’s feeling bold, a few pieces of _bulgogi_ before he pauses, chews slowing down and face draining in color. He just barely manages to keep down the pieces of meat, turning away from the members in embarrassment as his stomach can’t decide whether to accept or reject the food. Soonyoung worries that Jeonghan is crashing, needing more than just the small amounts of food he manages to keep down to power through a concert - let alone an eight-show dome tour.

Seungcheol’s gaze continuously diverts from Joshua to Jeonghan, worry evident in his eyes. Looking closely, he can see multiple members continue to spare concerned glances at Jeonghan. Soonyoung wants to approach him and find out for himself what he and Hyerim are discussing, but he holds back. Doing so would only put Jeonghan on the spot and make him feel worse. Maybe at this very moment, it isn’t Soonyoung’s place.

Chan is standing in front of a mirror practicing his stage expressions as he often does. Soonyoung watches him from a distance, chewing on his lip mindlessly. If there’s one thing Chan is better at than anyone else - including himself - it’s conveying emotion through facial expressions. Chan has the uncanny ability to perform the exact same choreography differently each time simply by varying his expressions to relay some new feeling to the audience. Soonyoung watches the younger practice in a sort of wonder and admiration; such a skill is one the unit leader knows he didn’t teach Chan, but came with the star hanging over Chan’s head.

“You’re gawking,” a soft voice says from beside him. Soonyoung freezes in place, debating whether or not to turn his face and meet the eyes of the one person he’d been avoiding like the plague since last night.

“Am not,” he finally mumbles back in denial, hesitantly turning his head and facing Jihoon.

Jihoon’s gaze is, unsurprisingly, completely unreadable. “You didn’t answer my texts.”

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“Anything but silence. Even an ‘I hate you’ would have sufficed, you know.”

Soonyoung feels a rush of guilt wash over him. “I’m sorry,” he replies. “For everything.”

Jihoon lets out a long sigh and shakes his head. “No, I crossed a line-”

“You were right.” 

Soonyoung even shocks himself with the sudden admission, but he finds it truer than anything he’s perhaps ever spoken in his life. It’s a truth that, despite everything inside of him wanting to reject, to deem impossible, Soonyoung simply doesn’t have the ignorance and pride to continue to deny. Jihoon stares at him in surprise, lips parted as he finds himself speechless.

“O-Oh…”

“Yeah…” he breathes. Soonyoung’s eyes flick back to where Chan is now talking to Junhui, demonstrating a particularly complicated move that he knows the elder still feels insecure about.

“W-What made you change your mind?” Jihoon asks, and Soonyoung pretends not to notice the slight tremor in his voice. Maybe the idea of Soonyoung’s shifting attention does affect Jihoon slightly more than he would care to admit.

“I’m not sure. He was just...there for me. He always has been.” There’s an unsaid implication both men feel hanging in the air. Soonyoung swallows thickly, struggling to push aside the negative thoughts threatening to crowd his brain. Jihoon looks away, down at his feet.

Soonyoung turns back to Jihoon after a moment of silence. “You were right,” he repeats. “About all of it. About him, about me, about Samuel. You were right about me being an asshole...and you were right in not giving me a chance.”

Jihoon frowns instantly. “Soonie no, I told you I didn’t mean that-”

“Didn’t you?” Soonyoung interjects. “I just...I’m a mess, Ji. I’m high maintenance, stubborn, emotional, impulsive, and a complete hothead. I would’ve just held you back.”

“You’re not any of those things, Soonyoung,” Jihoon counters. “It’s me - I’m detached, distant, and selfish. I’m an incurable workaholic and terrible at handling conflict.”

Soonyoung scoffs. “We really can’t agree on anything, can we?”

Jihoon falls silent. The two continue to wordlessly observe the bustling scenes in front of them for a while longer before Jihoon finally speaks up again. “He’s good for you, and you for him.”

“What makes you so sure?” Soonyoung’s voice is soft, a strange sense of vulnerability not dissimilar from that in his dream leaking into his tone. “Maybe I’m bad for him, too.”

“No. You’re both full of love and understanding. He’s patient, you’re adventurous. Your passions are the same. He’s head over heels for you, despite what you might think about him and Seokmin. You care for him like no one else on this team. I can see it in your eyes. He’s like this little treasure you need to keep safe and protected. And you’re both absolute horny fucks.”

Soonyoung frowns, head snapping up toward Jihoon. “Hey, what’s that supposed to mean?”

A tiny, amused smirk pulls at the corner of Jihoon’s lips. “What, you think I don’t know exactly why you spend over 20 minutes in the shower sometimes? Walls aren’t very thick, Soonie.” The dancer grimaces. “And if it makes you feel any better...if you’re right, and he is fucking Seokmin, it’s only casual. There is no way he’s not still hung up on you. All it takes is a little push.”

“And Seokmin? Ji, I’m not gonna do that to him. Plus...I don’t even know what I want. With Chan or with anyone.”

Jihoon cocks his head in acknowledgment. “Fair enough, but keep this in mind. If Chan is, as you suspect, hooking up with Seokmin, but he only has eyes for you, as I suspect, then things between the two of them can only be platonic. You wouldn’t be hurting anyone by choosing to pursue Chan.”

Soonyoung wrinkles his nose. “Ew, when you say it like that you sound like an old grandpa.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Stop digressing from the point. Look, I’m just saying...it’s possible, but only if you decide it’s something you want.”

“Why do you keep pushing for me to start something with him? I just don’t understand.”

The vocalist doesn’t reply right away, seeming to measure his words carefully. “I just want you to be happy, Soonie. That means letting go and accepting that your happiness is elsewhere.”

Soonyoung sighs deeply, closing his eyes as his still shattered heart throbs in his chest. “We were never going to make each other happy were we?”

“You said it yourself last night. We’re just not good for each other that way, Soon. We’d have been stupid to think otherwise. Some people are just meant to be friends and nothing more.”

“I really am sorry for last night. I just felt...exposed. I couldn’t handle the truth, and I took it out on you. I deserved the things you said to me.”

“You didn’t. I crossed lines I shouldn’t have as well. I’m really sorry, too.” Jihoon frowns regretfully, eyeing Soonyoung’s feet. “Is your ankle okay?”

“I’ve had better days.”

“Please don’t get up there if it hurts. Please.”

Soonyoung looks up and meets Jihoon’s worried gaze. “I’ll be fine. I always am.”

“Soonyoung I swear-”

“How are we doing over here?” Hyerim’s voice suddenly speaks up as she approaches the two. “Hoshi, how’s your ankle?”

“It’s alright, noona. I had it bandaged earlier to be safe.” Soonyoung ignores the way Jihoon tenses beside him and smiles up at Hyerim, who sighs in relief.

“Good. I’m starting to worry. I don’t know how much longer Jeonghan-ssi can keep up. He’s insistent about continuing, but we might end up a member down by the time we get to Tokyo. I need you all in top form, alright? No risky moves. The second you feel any pain, you let me know, got it?” Hyerim stresses, pointed gaze fixed on Soonyoung. “Please.”

“Got it, don’t worry about me,” Soonyoung insists. Hyerim nods in satisfaction and moves on. The second she is out of earshot, Jihoon turns to him, clearly upset.

“Soonyoung, don’t be reckless, damn it.”

“I’m not, Ji. I’m fine. It really doesn’t hurt much, I swear. It’s just a little sore.”

“But you heard Myungho! The stage is slippery! What if-”

“The risks would’ve been the same even if you hadn’t pushed me last night,” Soonyoung says flatly, only feeling the slightest bit of guilt at the way Jihoon’s eyes cloud over in dejection. Even now, after the two have apologized and made peace, perhaps Soonyoung still isn’t quite over the things that Jihoon said - whether he deserved them or not. It’s a low blow, but one that he knows will blow over by the end of the concert. That is, if he doesn’t fuck up.

“Chan’s depending on you,” Jihoon warns. “We all are. Just...be careful.”

Soonyoung’s sharp gaze softens at the way Jihoon’s tone takes on one of worry. He sighs and offers the shorter man a reassuring smile. “I will, Ji. I promise.”

“Don’t promise, Soon. Just do it.” Jihoon hesitates for a moment before cupping Soonyoung’s cheek. “We need you to be okay.”

Soonyoung finds himself unable to fight the old habit of turning his face to press a gentle kiss to the palm of Jihoon’s hand. “I know. You should warm up. You’ve got high notes to hit.”

Jihoon rolls his eyes again, this time more affectionately than usual. “Loser.”

“Joy killer,” Soonyoung quips back with a playful grin, sticking his tongue out at the singer.

And even after Jihoon walks away to warm up with Seungkwan and Seokmin, Soonyoung still can’t shake the ominous feeling hanging over his head. 

_Don’t make promises you can’t keep._

~*~*~

Soonyoung’s nightmare scenario begins with a clumsy turn on stage during “Home Run.”

He feels the impact almost instantly, the dull, humming ache in his ankle shifting into a sort of burn he can’t quite ignore anymore. Soonyoung tries shifting his weight onto his other ankle as much as possible through this first - and most difficult - set, controlling his expressions well so as to not let on just how much the extremity is beginning to bother him. He can feel himself grow stiffer, movements not quite as fluid and sharp as is usual for him. He can feel Jihoon’s insistent eyes on his back as he moves, the others not quite as attuned to him to notice the change.

Three songs later, he and the members disappear underneath the stage just in time for the age unit VCRs to begin playing. Soonyoung struggles to hide his slight limp as he changes into his outfit for “Light a Flame,” a red and black bejeweled ensemble that right now feels heavier on his lithe body than he would like.

“Soonyoung, I saw that,” Jihoon says immediately, voice low and still dripping with sternness as he slips his arms into his own red shirt.

“I’m fine,” Soonyoung insists, pausing only to let one of the makeup artists dab sweat off of his forehead and touch up his makeup. “I just need to sit for a sec-”

“Shit! Where are the ‘96 liners?” he suddenly hears Hyerim shout among the crowd. Time is dwindling down; he can hear the VCR somewhere in the middle. Jihoon frowns in confusion but signals Hyerim over.

“Noona, is everything okay?” Soonyoung asks once she comes over, clearly agitated and a shade paler than normal.

“I’m so sorry to do this to you, but you four need to go first.”

The pair’s eyes turn wide as saucers. “What? Why?” Soonyoung asks, panic threatening to seize hold of him at the sudden request.

Suddenly, the sound of retching and panicked shouting reaches their ears over the cheers of the fans and the booming VCR playing in the speakers. Jihoon gasps. “Wait, is that-”

“Jeonghan can’t continue. Seungcheol-ssi is currently working out line distribution with Joshua for their stage. They’re going to have to go last. Are you ready?” she asks hurriedly.

Jihoon nods quickly, but his eyes land on Soonyoung. “Are you okay to go back up?”

“Okay? What do you mean _okay_?” Hyerim asks in a panic. “Were you not okay, Hoshi?”

Soonyoung pales. “No, I’m fine! I can go. Are Wonwoo and Jun ready?”

“Right here,” Wonwoo speaks up from behind Hyerim, feline eyes full of the same worry pulling down the corners of his lips into a frown. Junhui trails behind him, face betraying panic.

“Okay, okay, good. Take your positions then, hurry!” Hyerim waves them off, quickly turning to address the chaos now taking over among the other members and staff. Sure enough, the introductory music for their song fills the speakers, the lights going dark and the LED screens brightly displaying their backdrop from what Soonyoung can see on the screens backstage. 

Soonyoung only manages to get a glimpse of Jeonghan’s slumped form sitting in a chair before he is being whisked away to the raising platform by stressed out stage crew members. His ankle never gets the rest he hoped for, only insistently throbbing with every step he takes. Jihoon turns toward him multiple times as they are rushed down to the platform, worry and guilt evident in his smoky eyes. 

_Please be okay_ , Jihoon mouths to him as they plug their in-ears back in. Soonyoung nods softly, because he’ll be damned if with Jeonghan in his current state, he’ll leave the group a second member down. 

Wonwoo shoots the pair a curious look, catching onto their wordless communication, while Junhui takes a deep breath and closes his eyes to center himself the way Soonyoung has seen him do time and time again. This time, however, he isn’t ignorant to the way Junhui clenches and unclenches his fists. Soonyoung reaches for his hand and unclenches his right hand, squeezing it reassuringly instead.

“Okay?” Soonyoung asks, offering Junhui his best reassuring smile. Junhui puffs out a breath of air and meets his upturned gaze with a small albeit insecure nod. A moment later, blinding lights beam onto the stage, onto them, and for the moment, Soonyoung is replaced by Hoshi, fearless, charismatic, and confident performer. He almost fools himself.

Almost.

The lights go out, the song coming to its end. The fans erupt into endless cheers that sound just as deafening backstage as they do on the catwalk. This is usually the point at which Soonyoung would run backstage with a blindingly bright smile on his face, veins pumping with adrenaline and energy. Soonyoung should be more than excited to carry on with the concert.

And yet he’s not - he’s hobbling backstage, face scrunched in pain, hands seeking purchase on just about anything they can grab onto just to hold him up. His desperate, watery eyes threaten to smear his eye makeup as he holds back a particularly loud cry.

“Hoshi! What’s wrong? Did you hurt yourself?” Joshua asks immediately as he, Chan, and Hyerim beeline toward him. Jihoon’s hand falls on the small of his back from behind, the shorter man wearing a disapproving frown. Wonwoo’s eyes betray the alarm he feels, and Junhui latches onto Soonyoung’s arm almost protectively.

“What happened?” Hyerim asks, already rubbing her eyes tiredly, stress settling into her small shoulders. 

Soonyoung can only shake his head, waving people off and struggling to push his way past the crowd slowly beginning to gather around him. He feels a sudden wave of self-consciousness hit him as more and more pairs of worried eyes start to fix on him. “I’m just sore. I just need to sit,” he mumbles dismissively. Because no, he would not stop now. They’re already one-third of the way through the setlist, Jeonghan is most likely out of commission for the rest of the concert, and he’ll be damned if he sits out of his duet with Chan. Soonyoung will _not_ let Chan down.

“That looks a lot more than just sore, hyung,” Chan says tentatively as Soonyoung props his ankle onto a seat and rolls up the pant leg. Junhui gasps, eyes wide as saucers.

Even Soonyoung is taken aback completely by the state of his ankle. The extremity is swollen and red, the edges beginning to turn shades of green and purple. Hyerim swears under her breath and calls over a pair of medics to look it over, biting her nails as they assess Soonyoung’s state.

“Hyung, you promised me,” Chan says softly, a tone of hidden betrayal leaking into his voice. “You told me you wouldn’t go up there if you weren’t feeling okay. Why did you do that?”

“I was fine earlier-”

“You weren’t. Stop lying, Soonyoung,” Jihoon finally snaps, eyebrows knitted in a mixture of anger and heavy guilt. “He...fell last night.”

“What?” Hyerim almost yells. “How? Where? Why am I finding out about this now?”

“I just didn’t want to worry anyone! It was an accident!” Soonyoung is quick to defend, not missing the way Jihoon’s fists tighten at his words. “Honestly, I was fine this morning. It only started hurting during the concert. I made a bad move earlier, and I guess I aggravated it.”

“Aggravated isn’t the word,” one of the medics speaks up. “It looks like you might have sprained it again, maybe even torn a ligament. How does this feel?”

The medic rolls his foot a certain way, sending white hot pain shooting up his foot and causing Soonyoung to almost scream. He bites his lip and claws at the seat underneath him, eyes shut tightly as he waits for the pain to dissipate some. “Hurts a lot - feels like a burn.”

“That’s it, I’m sending you back to the hotel with Jeonghan. You definitely can’t perform this way, and don’t even think about arguing me on it,” Hyerim declares, already pulling her phone out to call on one of the company drivers.

“No!” Soonyoung yells, shaking his head vehemently. “I can still perform! I just need to rest it-”

“You really can’t, Hoshi,” the other medic speaks up, frowning with sympathy. “Anything else you do to it could be permanent. I need to strongly advise against it.”

“You can’t possibly be serious,” Jihoon adds incredulously. “Do you hear yourself? This isn't anything you should be taking lightly!”

Soonyoung swallows thickly and runs a sweaty hand through his hair. His eyes land on Chan, who can only stare blankly at Soonyoung’s ankle. “But our stage…” Soonyoung begins, catching Chan’s attention.

“Forget that. Dokyeom-hyung knows the whole routine. You don’t need to worry,” Chan replies, and if Soonyoung sees past the blank stare and picks up on the younger’s hurt and disappointment, he doesn’t mention it. His heart shrivels up into a prune-like thing, the thought of all their hard work and preparation for the stage resulting in this outcome filling him with a sense of dread and frustration.

He feels like a petulant child for wanting to whine against the idea. _But I want it to be us. I want it to be me up there with you. I want to show the world what we can create together._

Still, Soonyoung says none of these things. He can only nod dumbly in assent, mind still processing reality. Junhui wordlessly hugs him gently, patting his head. There’s conversation and more conversation. The medics tug at his ankle as they treat it for the moment. Jeonghan’s soft, lemony scent reaches his nostrils as the singer kneels beside him, taking a hand into his own. Chan is behind him, still looking like a kicked puppy.

“Don’t blame yourself. It’s alright - we’ll join them another day.” Soonyoung isn’t sure that it’s him Jeonghan is trying to convince, but perhaps himself.

“I’m sorry,” Soonyoung can only mumble pathetically to everyone and no one in particular. 

Seungcheol and Joshua rush up to the stage as the 97-liners come back. Chan and Seokmin are talking now. Seokmin’s eyes are wide with worry, but he’s nodding nonetheless. The duet stage is supposed to come during the second-third of the concert. There’s enough time to prepare for it. They’ll be okay; Soonyoung doesn’t know what to do with this information.

He and Jeonghan are being sent toward the parking garage now. Soonyoung looks back one last time at his members with a heavy heart. Chan’s eyes catch his, and something in his gaze tells the unit leader that the two aren’t done talking. Still, the maknae runs up to him and throws his arms tightly around Soonyoung without a second thought.

“Please get better, hyung,” he whispers into Soonyoung’s ear, standing on his tiptoes. “I need you up there with me.”

Soonyoung squeezes him back, face burying into the younger’s hair. Chan’s sudden gesture manages to warm something inside of him and soothe the gnawing ache of disappointment and failure filling his insides. “I’ll do it for you,” he replies softly, rubbing Chan’s back.

The maknae pulls away once Seungkwan’s voice calls for him to get into positions for “Do Re Mi.” Chan spares the elder one long, last look before turning his back to him and running over toward Seungkwan and Hansol. 

“We should go,” Jeonghan suddenly says from beside him, complexion drained of all color and big, round eyes drooping with exhaustion. “You’ll see him later.”

Soonyoung is taken aback by the comment, shooting a confused glance at Jeonghan. The brunette only smiles weakly before turning to leave for the parking garage. Jihoon approaches him last, frown never disappearing from his face.

“You were reckless.”

“Record it for me...please,” Soonyoung asks, not entirely sure where the request comes from but knowing deep down that he _needs_ to see Chan and Seokmin’s performance for one reason or another. Jihoon seems to know exactly what he means. He always does. Soonyoung’s request is met with a sigh and a small nod. And for now, it’s enough.

It’s enough that Soonyoung finally wills himself to leave the bustling chaos of his members and the tour staff behind for a bed that isn’t his and an empty spot where Lee Chan should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the way jeonghan always seems to know more than everyone thinks he does ;) we love an observant king :D
> 
> comments, suggestions, questions, and kudos always welcome!!! thank u so much for engaging with me and this story, i can't stress enough how much it means to me. stay safe and healthy everyone, and happy new year!!


	23. maybe won’t you take it back? say you were tryna make me laugh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seokmin says something he shouldn't have on a night full of untold truths.
> 
> title from "i love you" - Billie Eilish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all...this shit is getting REAL. we're starting to get into really good (and messy) territory going forward, so if you're still with me and reading/interacting with this massive roller coaster of a fic, i thank you SO SO MUCH from the bottom of my heart!

Chan can’t bring himself to go upstairs and face Soonyoung right away once the members get back to the hotel later that night.

A cacophony of indistinguishable emotions rage inside of him at the thought of the elder. He thinks he can recognize anger in there somewhere, some disappointment, some worry, and even more so hurt. Soonyoung broke his promise about going easy on his ankle and lied to his face about how he was feeling. Perhaps it’s that singular fact that keeps him from seeing Soonyoung right away despite wanting to check on him desperately. He worries that he might lash out at the elder, which he probably doesn’t need right now. 

Based on what Jihoon told him backstage right after the concert ended, Soonyoung was already pretty far down on himself without getting lectured by anyone. Chan confronting him would probably do neither of the two any good.

Chan finds himself with Seokmin and Hansol later that night, the trio walking around the still relatively crowded streets of Fukuoka. It seems to Chan that the city doesn’t quite sleep - at least at this time. It’s nearing midnight and many people continue to walk about, perhaps enjoying a night out on the town with friends or family, perhaps heading home from a late night at work, or even maybe looking to avoid someone in particular at home the way Chan is. 

The maknae is thankful that Hansol’s behavior around the two doesn’t change even with the knowledge of what they are to each other. He doesn’t feel uncomfortable at all; rather, he almost feels closer to the rapper, as though the secret shared between the three of them tethered them a little closer. Chan clings to Seokmin a little more than he usually would in public, somehow needing the closeness a bit more. If Hansol notices, he doesn’t say a word. He never does.

The three are equally distraught by the events of the night. Seokmin doesn’t speak up as much as he usually does, appearing lost in his thoughts. A persistent crease lingers between Hansol’s perfectly arched eyebrows, as though the weight of his worries were consistently pressing on him. Chan himself feels a bit dissociated from reality - here but not quite, in his body but also elsewhere. Only the firm hold he keeps around Seokmin’s arm keeps him grounded enough to stay alert and aware of his surroundings.

“You guys okay?” Seokmin finally asks, the three pausing at an intersection and waiting for the pedestrian signal to cross the street. 

Chan snaps out of his daze just a bit then, looking up at Seokmin’s dim face. He looks like a kicked puppy, or a sad little bear. Chan wants to smile, but his lips refuse to cooperate. He sighs and shakes his head. “Not really. None of it feels real,” he admits.

Hansol frowns, shaking his head too. “Just kind of feels like everything is falling apart. I hate it.”

“I wouldn’t say everything is falling apart,” Seokmin replies, still one to always hold onto a thread of optimism. “I think like with most things, this’ll pass. It’s just a bumpy road in the meantime.” Chan wishes Seokmin looked as convinced as he sounds; maybe then, he’d believe him.

“I wish it were that simple,” Hansol muses, rubbing his eyes tiredly. The light changes in their favor, and the pair cross the street. He seems to think for a minute before finally speaking up again, seeming nervous. “Can I confess something to you guys?” he asks.

Chan and Seokmin perk up at the question. Deep down, Chan thinks he knows where this is going, but he bites his tongue. He nods instead, Seokmin mirroring the gesture. The trio stop at a nearby public bench and sit huddled close, Hansol taking a deep breath and wringing his hands.

“I’ve been keeping something from you guys. Well, everyone, for that matter. You guys know how much I hate keeping secrets, but this one wasn’t just up to me.”

“It’s okay Hansolie, you can trust us,” Seokmin assures, tone warm and encouraging as always. This time, Chan can’t help the tiny upward quirk of his lips at how simply sweet Seokmin is.

Hansol relaxes slightly before nodding. “I know, which is why I’ve decided to just come clean with you guys. So the thing is, since we all agreed that we shouldn’t keep secrets like this between us anymore after everything that happened with Jeonghan-hyung and Shua-hyung, I wanted to tell you guys that, well, Seungkwan and I...we’re kind of dating.”

He visibly tenses, chewing on his lip nervously as he gauges Seokmin and Chan’s reactions. Chan looks up at Seokmin immediately, the two sharing a knowing gaze. It’s then that Seokmin speaks up in reply, a coy smile playing on his lips. “Actually Hansolie...we already knew that.”

Chan almost laughs at the way Hansol’s eyes instantly go round, jaw falling slack open. “W-What? What do you mean you knew? How? When? Where? We’ve always been so careful!”

Chan pipes up, leaning in closer. “We heard you guys talking in the kitchen one night. We didn’t want to blow your cover though, so we acted like we didn’t hear anything.”

“Oh my god…” Hansol trails off, relief washing over his features. “And you’re not mad we kept it from you?”

The pair shake their heads. “How could we be when we’re kind of guilty of doing the same?” Seokmin replies, cheeks dusting rosy pink. “Not in the same way of course, but you get it.”

Hansol sighs in relief and rubs his face in disbelief. “Oh my god...what the hell...so you two knew this entire time? God, I feel so dumb,” he says with a laugh, shaking his head at himself.

“Don’t! It’s okay really. We get it,” Chan reassures him. “If you want my opinion, you two are practically made for each other. You fit so well together.”

“You think?” Hansol asks, blushing ever so slightly. “Well actually...that’s a perfect segway into what I actually wanted to talk to you guys about. I think that with everything that’s happening and the pressure of the tour and our own kind of internal struggles, Seungkwan and I are hitting a rough patch. I don’t really know what to do, and it’s just adding to the stress all of our tour complications are causing me.”

“What kind of rough patch?” Chan asks, while Seokmin listens attentively, rubbing Hansol’s back in comfort. 

Hansol exhales tiredly. “I don’t want to keep us a secret anymore, because I don’t want any problems to arise with the group down the road. I told Seungkwan that I wanted to come out, but he’s firmly against the idea. He almost popped a blood vessel when I brung it up, and ever since then we’ve been bickering more than usual. I think he’s terrified of things going south the way they did when the hyungs came out to us, but when I try to reassure him, he just flies off the handle about how I can’t possibly know and that I’m wrong for trying to pressure him into it.”

“Do you think that you’re pressuring him?” Seokmin asks.

Hansol shakes his head. “No...well I mean...I’ve brought it up a few times, but I don’t _think_ I’m pressuring him. I’ve just tried to make him understand my point of view a few times, but it’s like he won’t even entertain the thought - not even to appease me. It’s like his fears trump mine, and I don’t know what to do with it.”

“Have you guys ever argued like this before?” Chan pipes in.

The rapper shakes his head. “Not like this. I mean you know Kwannie. It’s easy to bicker with him sometimes, but it’s usually out of good nature. We’ve never argued over anything we haven’t been able to apologize for by bedtime. It’s never felt this serious...as if…”

“You might not be able to work through it this time?” Seokmin supplies. Hansol instantly flinches at the words, grimacing at their implications.

“I don’t even want to entertain that thought. He means too much to me, but so do you guys. You’re all my family. The last thing I want to do is risk our still recovering relationships by keeping a secret like this. I just want to be honest.”

“And your worries are perfectly valid! You’re scared that by keeping your relationship a secret, you’ll hurt our trust in you two. But Kwannie’s worries are completely valid as well. All of the bad things that occurred once the hyungs told us about their relationship were traumatizing. It makes sense that Seungkwan is scared. It’s like you said, he’s terrified that by doing what the hyungs did and coming out, the same horror story will inevitably repeat itself,” Seokmin explains.

“And I get it, I do. But we’ve been through it already. We know now why Jihoon-hyung lashed out the way he did that day. We’ve moved on from it. Plus, Seungkwan and I have always been super focused on our work even while dating! We would never let our relationship hurt the group’s productivity! So as long as we do that, why should telling the others about us cause the same issues we’ve already been through down the road?”

“Have you tried putting it to him that way? I know Seungkwan-hyung is stubborn sometimes, but I think he’ll listen to you if you break things down that way for him without mentioning what you want or don’t want to do. I mean, I agree that you guys should just be honest with everyone, but if you want to calm some of his fear, maybe he’ll be more receptive if you outline every single reason why you guys won’t turn out like the hyungs. I don’t mean to overstep of course! It’s just what I think,” Chan suggests, momentarily worried that Hansol will find him intrusive.

The elder doesn’t thankfully, quickly shaking his head. “No, you’re not overstepping! I actually needed this. Thinking about it that way, I guess I haven’t really taken baby steps with him before trying to make the full leap. Maybe he’ll feel a bit better if I tell him you two actually knew about us already. He’ll see that your attitudes toward us haven’t changed at all, and if yours haven’t, then maybe the others won’t either.”

Seokmin grins and pats Hansol’s back encouragingly. “Sounds like you’ve got a plan now.”

Hansol lets out a long sigh and cracks a smile for the first time tonight. “I think I do. I’m really glad I talked to you guys about this. Thanks for the advice,” he replies before shooting up from his seat. “I kind of want to talk to him about it right away now-”

“Whoa! Slow your roll, Nonie!” Seokmin exclaims, pulling Hansol back down. “Seungkwan’s had a rough night, what with filling in for Jeonghan so much tonight. He’s exhausted and stressed. I’d let him unwind before you bring it up.”

The enthusiastic rapper quickly calms down, realization hitting him. “Oh shit you’re right...our relationship issues are probably the last thing on his mind right now. He needs a lot of rest,” Hansol replies, shoulders slumping in dejection.

“I wouldn’t say the last thing...perhaps just mixed in with everything else. He needs you though. I’m sure of that much,” Chan counters.

“You’re right. I’ll just be there for him for now.” Hansol’s on his feet again, this time for a very different reason. “Thanks again guys. Do you want to walk back now or will you guys stay out a bit longer?”

Seokmin is about to speak up when Chan interrupts him. “We’ll go back a little later, but good luck, hyung!” the youngest interjects with a smile and a wave.

Hansol grins at the surprised look on Seokmin’s face but nods nonetheless. “Alright then, have fun you two. Don’t stay up too late now and make sure to save some energy for tomorrow!” he calls teasingly as he walks away.

Seokmin’s cheeks heat up red instantly while Chan protests in embarrassment and flips Hansol off. “I hate him,” Chan mumbles while shaking his head.

“No you don’t,” Seokmin counters with a chuckle and an elbow nudge. The maknae rolls his eyes and shoves Seokmin sideways on the bench using his body.

“You weren’t supposed to answer that,” Chan replies cheekily before taking Seokmin’s hand in his own and standing up. “Ice cream? It’s kind of our thing, after all.”

Seokmin grins and nods, letting Chan pull him up. “You’re paying this time.”

“Wait, hyung no!”

“I paid last time!”

“But I’m the maknae! You have to be nice to me!”

“Oh, I think I’m _way more_ than just nice to you,” Seokmin quips, sticking his tongue out at Chan and lightly slapping his plump butt.

Chan gasps and flushes red, instantly looking around for prying eyes. “Hyung!”

“Serves you right for being a brat.”

“I hate you.”

“Love you too!” Seokmin chirps before pulling Chan along with him.

Chan freezes in his tracks. “W-What did you say?”

Seokmin turns around, grin just starting to fade and brows furrowing in confusion. “What? I said I love you too. Because I know that’s what you _actually_ meant,” he replies with a shrug and a coy smile. 

“Wait, but...did you—I mean..never mind,” Chan is quick to recover, whirling around and, this time, leading the way and pulling Seokmin along with him. He pushes the elder’s words to the back of his mind.

Because surely he didn’t mean it that way, right?

He can feel Seokmin’s gaze glued to the back of his head, and while Chan is dying to see the expression he wears, the mere terror of what he might find reflected in the elder’s honey-coated gaze keeps his eyes fixed on the street ahead of them. 

_He didn’t mean it that way. He couldn’t possibly mean it that way. He told you so when you asked._

He feels his arm pulled back suddenly. The sudden force sends him stumbling backward, and Chan nearly collides with Seokmin’s chest. He realizes then how fast he must’ve been walking to stumble so hard. Seokmin seems visibly concerned, lips curling into a small, upside-down parenthesis.

“Channie, what's wrong? Did what I say upset you?” he asks, tone vaguely urgent, almost panicked.

Chan swallows thickly and is quick to shake his head. He couldn’t possibly tell Seokmin what crossed his mind just now—not when the elder has spent years playfully uttering the same three words with absolutely no questionable context or hidden implications. They’re family first—brothers first—before anything else. Why should a simple “I love you” mean anything other than brotherly love when that’s all it has meant in the past?

Nothing’s changed. Seokmin is still his hyung, and Chan is still his youngest dongsaeng. _No, Chan, of course nothing has changed. Get over yourself._

“Why aren’t you being honest with me? I made you uncomfortable, didn’t I?”

“You didn’t. Don’t worry. I’m just tired, really. Don’t pay me any mind hyung, okay?” Chan reassures him, offering Seokmin a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

Seokmin still doesn’t seem convinced. He looks away for a moment, thoughts seeming distant and rather deep. “I’m sorry, Chan.”

“No really, it’s nothing like that! It doesn’t bother me! You’re my hyung—it’s nothing new. I’m sorry I made you feel like you did something wrong.”

“No, it’s more than that. It’s...it’s complicated.”

Chan frowns. “What’s complicated? I don’t understand.”

Seokmin opens his mouth, ready to say something. Still, Chan watches as the words die on Seokmin’s lips, the elder seeming to recoil from whatever he was about to say. He looks away again, this time blinking a little more than usual. Chan’s heart sinks into his chest when he realizes what’s happening.

“Hyung...no please don’t—I’m sorry. I swear I don’t know what crossed my mind. Look, I’m okay. We’re okay! It’s nothing like that, really,” Chan explains turning Seokmin’s chin to face him and smiling brighter. “I really didn’t mean to make things awkward. Of course I knew what you meant.”

Seokmin shakes his head quickly. “No, don’t do that. Don’t invalidate your feelings for my sake. I really didn’t think you’d take it that way, and now I’ve ruined everything—“

Chan throws his arms around Seokmin and hugs him tightly, face buried in his chest. He relaxes slightly when he feels Seokmin’s arms engulf his small frame without hesitation. For the moment, Chan doesn’t care that the two are standing in the middle of the street at almost midnight. He doesn’t care that there may be eyes judging them for the sudden public display of affection. He doesn’t even care that it’s begun to snow, or that the air is becoming chillier as time passes.

All Chan can bring himself to care about is that he let himself panic and assume things that weren’t. He cares that he made Seokmin cry.

“I love you, hyung. You’re right. I do,” Chan says softly, still knowing that Seokmin can hear.

Seokmin’s arms only grow tighter around him in response, an almost inaudible whimper escaping his lips. Chan lets himself be held but still never brings himself to look up at his hyung’s face. 

He doesn’t want to know what he’ll find.

~*~*~

The two don’t talk about what happened on the street anymore, wordlessly seeming to agree to abandon their plans for ice cream and head back to the hotel. Seokmin is uncharacteristically quiet, adding more guilt to the already growing heap of it in his chest.

Chan’s insistent need to avoid Soonyoung for as long as possible carries him and Seokmin to Jeonghan and Mingyu’s hotel room. He isn’t at all surprised to find that Jeonghan isn’t alone. Joshua and Seungcheol are both tucked closely at his side, with Seungkwan, Hansol, and Jihoon sitting at the foot of Jeonghan’s bed. 

If Jeonghan looked awfully sick at the concert venue earlier, he looks more than fine now—sipping water from a straw out of a bottle and teasing Seungcheol to the point of red cheeks, loud whines, and playful whacks to the singer’s legs. He feels some sense of relief at the sight of Jeonghan doing well despite having to leave the concert early due to his poor physical state. His chest fills with warmth as he watches Seungcheol, even with all the teasing and laughter at his expense, feeding Jeonghan fruits and ramen, while Joshua holds up the bottle to his lips periodically for Jeonghan to drink. He can even swear he sees a familiar glint of some deeper affection reflected in Jeonghan’s eyes every time he looks at the two. The sight is comforting at least, heartwarming at most.

Jeonghan teases the others as well, and Chan can’t help but laugh when he realizes that not even Jihoon is exempt from the jokes. Jihoon laughs more than Chan has seen him laugh in months. It’s beautiful, he thinks to himself—the amazing family that he has. Chan laughs more than he thought he would in the company of his members, Jeonghan seeming in high spirits despite everything and the rest feeling at ease knowing he’s doing okay. Chan wants to talk to him more privately and figure out if it’s just that deceptive “hyung act” that the elders tend to put on during difficult times to keep the rest from worrying. The sole thing that stops him is the drowsy look that begins to cloud Jeonghan’s eyes as the night carries on. 

Perhaps that’s a conversation to be had another day.

Still, Chan feels a warm sense of pride bubble in his chest at the realization that, compared to previous weeks, Jeonghan has managed to eat well today. He wonders if having the love and support of the other members - or perhaps even more specifically Joshua and Seungcheol - tonight has had anything to do with Jeonghan’s improving appetite. He doesn’t question it, however, simply thanking the lucky stars that maybe, if he keeps up this appetite and starts holding down heavier foods in the coming days, his hyung might be rejoining them on stage before the end of the dome tour.

It’s only when Mingyu finally complains of being sleepy that the rest of the members finally start to filter out. Hansol and Seungkwan are the first to leave, shoulders brushing a couple of times on the way out. Chan smiles to himself at their closeness and finds himself praying to whatever powers that be that the pair can come to an agreement that, hopefully, involves finding enough comfort and trust to tell the rest about their hidden relationship. He wishes that same courage for himself as he looks at Seokmin and wonders about what the future might hold for them. He isn’t sure at all where their casual compromise is headed, and while he finds himself currently unable to foster any feelings for the singer, he can’t help but become overwhelmed with the curiosity of whether that might change.

Because how long can two individuals play the part of passionate lovers without immersing themselves fully into the role?

Chan finds himself zoning out in thought, only snapping out of it when Jeonghan calls his name. The maknae almost startles, shaking off his daze and looking up at his hyung. Jeonghan watches him curiously, the same glint in his eye that usually appears when he is analyzing. It’s unnerving usually, but tonight Chan doesn’t seem to mind. It’s as though his subconscious yearns to talk to someone, work through his mish-mosh of conflicting thoughts and worries. 

“Where’d you head off to there, buddy?” he asks. Mingyu’s in the shower now; he can hear the running water and his low humming. The rest of the members have filtered out, save for Seungcheol, who is currently standing by the window overlooking the city and mumbling softly on the phone. 

Chan sighs and rubs his eyes tiredly. “Far away, hyung. Really far away.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“I shouldn’t burden you; you’ve got enough to worry about right now.”

“Hey now, none of that pity for your hyung. Come here,” Jeonghan chides, patting the spot on the bed beside him where Joshua had been not moments ago. “I’m listening.”

With a defeated pout, Chan concedes, shifting upward and tucking himself under Jeonghan’s waiting arm. “I’m angry at Hoshi-hyung. Really angry.”

Jeonghan nods in understanding but remains silent. Chan has always loved this about him; the elder knows better than anyone when it is time to advise and when it is time to simply listen.

“I feel like he lied to me. Before opening night, I made him promise me that he’d tell us if he wasn’t up for dancing. We would’ve understood. We could’ve even planned ahead better if he’d just been honest and told us from the beginning that he was in pain. I don’t even know that I fully believe his story about having fallen. Like, who just... _falls_? No context, no reason. He says he just fell and the next thing I know he’s leaving, and we’re all scrambling to rearrange formations to compensate for his loss. He _promised me_ , hyung. He lied to my face, and I don’t know that I can just let that go right away. He especially knew we had a duet stage to perform and he chose to risk that instead of just being honest from the start. Seokmin-hyung and I were so nervous going into it because we didn’t get to practice it together beforehand on the stage! I hated putting him through that kind of stress! Hell, I think I’m putting him through a lot more than just that, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m just scared and angry and worried...and I just need someone to tell me things are gonna be okay. Are they gonna be okay, hyung?”

Chan looks up at Jeonghan then, chest tight and heavy with burden and emotion. He didn’t mean to spill his guts to the elder the way he just did, but something about holding any of it back only makes his head throb and his skin itch. Jeonghan nods slowly, seeming pensive for a moment, before parting his lips to speak.

“You know Channie - and I’m not just saying this because I want to make you feel better. But honestly? I _know_ things will be okay, and I’ll tell you why. Bones and ligaments heal, just as broken friendships can also heal. Soonyoungie has been feeling pretty vulnerable lately, what with his injury, the issues with Jihoonie, and the upcoming tour. I’m not saying he was right to lie, but I understand his ambition to get back on stage and prove himself. I think if you try to see it that way and understand what led him to break that promise, maybe you can find it in yourself to forgive him for the lie and get past it. As for Seokminnie, I think you should give him more credit. He’s faced a lot more stress and pressure in the past than he did tonight when he filled in blindly for your stage. As for whatever else you might be worried about with him...all I can tell you is to be honest with yourself. Are you being honest with yourself about him?”

“What do you mean?” Chan asks, cheeks reddening at the question.

Jeonghan fixes him with a knowing stare. “You know what I mean, Chan. We all have eyes. We can see what’s happening between you two.”

“You sound like Nonie-hyung,” Chan mumbles, looking down at his hands.

“Because we’ve all thought the same thing,” Jeonghan replies, carding his fingers softly through Chan’s hair. “Don’t think anyone is judging you negatively, alright? We’re not. What we worry about is that maybe...you two aren’t entirely sure where you stand with each other.”

“How so?”

“I’ll give you an example as an outsider looking in. You and Seokmin are pretty open with skinship, right? So I’ll tell you what I see. When I look at you guys, I see his attention completely fixated on you. Gleaming eyes, blinding smile, warm cheeks, the works. But your attention is elsewhere,” Jeonghan explains, tone akin to that of a teacher breaking down an abstract concept into something simple and tangible for kids to understand. “When I look at you - and I am not the only one who’s seen this - your attention is fixated on a certain unit leader across the room. Gleaming eyes, blinding smile, warm cheeks. And I’ll tell you what else I see. When said unit leader looks up at you two huddled close together and holding hands, you pull away in embarrassment, while Seokminnie ends up looking confused. What I’m trying to say, Channie, is that perhaps your heads and hearts might be in two different places, and if you’re not honest with yourself about that fact, you’re setting yourself and him up for a rude awakening.”

Chan falls silent, feeling the sudden urge to curl into a ball and cry, sleep, hide, or maybe all three. He feels more exposed than ever before. Has everyone else really seen all this about them except himself? Has he really been deceiving himself this long, ignoring all the flashing lights and warning signs that things between the pair weren’t exactly what they seemed? Has he really been that _selfish_?

“I think you’ve known for a while now that things between you aren’t what they seem. Now you have to ask yourself why, and if you’re telling me that you think you’re putting him through a lot, then I think you already know the answer. You’re just afraid to accept it.”

_“Love you too!”_

Seokmin’s words echo in his head. “He has actual feelings for me…” Chan whispers, and the harsh truth threatens to send him spiraling. Anger instantly flashes in his chest. “He has actual feelings for me...so he lied to me, too.”

Jeonghan frowns. “How so?”

“I talked to Seokmin-hyung about what was happening between us and he told me that only platonic feelings were involved. I clarified that for this very reason. He lied to my face-”

“Hey, hey, relax,” Jeonghan says softly, pulling an increasingly animated Chan into his side. Chan’s mind is racing, and he finds himself stuck between the urge to cry, punch his hyung in the face or punch _himself_ in the face. Because yes, the warning signs were all there, and he ignored them for his own momentary pleasure. He feels like he used Seokmin, and to an extent, maybe Seokmin used him too. 

Their Whatever This Is was always bound to crash and burn before it even began.

“I know you’re upset, trust me. It’s a lot to process. You probably want to march over to him right now and yell, but I promise you things will only be worse if you do that. Just...give yourself time to process, okay? It’s really late, and you need your rest.”

“But hyung-”

“Channie,” Jeonghan’s tone becomes slightly warning without ever losing its warmth. “Give yourself time. For now, just get some rest, okay? Tomorrow’s another day.”

Chan wants to protest again, but a sudden wave of exhaustion, frustration, and anxiety crashes over him, threatening to drown him under the current. He doesn’t realize that he’s crying until Jeonghan’s thumb swipes across his cheek, the elder’s eyes drooping in empathy.

“Oh honey,” he whispers, burying Chan’s face in his chest and rubbing his back. Chan finds himself emptying out his overflowing bucket of emotions into Jeonghan’s pajama top, curling closer to him and searching for the elder’s comforting warmth. It’s too much to process, the gravity of so many realizations crushing him further and further down.

He can hear Seungcheol gasp softly, now off the phone, as he pads his way closer. “What’s wrong?” he asks gently, worry evident in his voice.

Chan feels Jeonghan shake his head slightly at him and, a moment later, a soft kiss being pressed onto the crown of his head as the smell of cherries fills his nostrils.

“Goodnight guys,” Seungcheol whispers softly, and then the gentle sound of the door closing resounds in the room. Chan only clutches Jeonghan’s shirt in his fists, cries growing louder and heavier. His mind feels as though it were collapsing on himself, much like his entire world. Suddenly, everything hurts - his head, his heart, his body, and his pride. More than anger toward Soonyoung and resentment toward Seokmin, Chan is filled with an overwhelming disgust in himself. He’s spiraling into a deep, dark pit of self-deprecation and shame that, much like in Joshua’s nightmares, there seems to be no way out of. 

Jeonghan rocks him back and forth slightly, stroking his hair comfortingly and holding him close. “It’s okay...everything's gonna be okay, Channie. I promise. Let it out.”

Chan doesn’t return to his and Soonyoung’s room until well past two in the morning, footsteps heavy and head fuzzy. He finds his own bed occupied by a sleeping Junhui and Minghao. To his surprise, Soonyoung is still awake, dark eyes instantly finding Chan from across the room. He is quick to prop himself up on an elbow, lips instantly curling into a frown. Chan notices that he seems to have left him a spot in his bed, the elder laying closer to the right side of the bed.

Soonyoung swallows, not saying anything right away. Chan wants to turn back around and leave, crawl back into Jeonghan’s bed and sleep there. He also wants to find Seokmin and confront him angrily. More than anything, he wants to pack up his shit, fly home, and disappear.

Yet he doesn’t do any of those things. How could he when Soonyoung is looking at him with so much remorse in his upturned gaze? How could he when the elder saved him a spot, hoping upon hope that he wouldn’t stay away and would find it in himself to come back, forgive him, and crawl into bed with him the way he had the night before? How could he when Soonyoung, even with his flaws, with the lies he told, with the mess that he is, is still everything Chan has ever wanted and more? 

How could he turn his back on Soonyoung when Chan loves him so fiercely, so unconditionally, so hopelessly and irrevocably?

Chan doesn’t do any of what his humanity screams at him to do; instead, he crosses the distance between Soonyoung and him in a few strides, stands over him, and whacks his arm.

Soonyoung doesn’t react, not even flinching at what must be the pain of a throbbing arm. Chan groans and crawls under the covers, curling into Soonyoung’s waiting warm body.

“I’m so sorry, Channie,” he hears Soonyoung’s cracked whisper in his ear as Chan starts to drift into a dreamless slumber. Chan almost replies with his forgiveness. Almost.


	24. but i won’t let me lose you and i won’t let us just fade away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan comes to the realization that maybe running from his problems...you know...isn't the solution? Meanwhile, Soonyoung is acting weird (in a good way), Seokmin hits a breaking point, and Chan takes a leap of faith in what can only be described as an unexpected plot twist.
> 
> title from "Mark My Words" - Justin Bieber

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLS READ! y'all i have racked my brain for DAYS and finally decided on an ending that i'm happy with!!!! i think you will all like it too judging from some of the comments i've been seeing! :D
> 
> disclaimer: let the record show that chan has absolutely no idea what he's doing - he has no dating or romantic experience, has much to learn in life, and means the absolute best!! be patient with our channie while he works through things! this chapter is gonna be super important for the coming ones, all leading up to my bright idea *insert lightbulb here* for the ending! a lot of references to past chapters are made, including parallel scenes that are either identical or opposite to past ones, so look out for those! also, to really understand chan's thought processes and choices in this one, recalling details and his ever-developing thoughts/feelings in past chapters will be really helpful too!

Time flies when you’re having fun - or burying your emotions neck-deep in work.

Such is the case with Lee Chan, who finds that by immersing himself in rehearsals, promotions, concerts, and content production, he doesn’t have to face the confusing reality that everything around him is changing faster than he can quite process. His relationship with Seokmin has indubitably suffered, with Chan now avoiding him like the plague. He pretends he doesn’t notice Seokmin sulking every time Chan dashes away from him, murmuring some excuse about having to do something or talk to someone before the elder can get a word in edgewise. He chooses to ignore, at least for the moment, the hurt that flashes in Seokmin’s eyes when Chan shuts him out, their once warm and sweet bond now frigid and stiff as though the two had never been anything but strangers. Acknowledging to himself that he’s probably making things that much worse between the two of them by avoiding Seokmin would mean that Chan would _have_ to push past the awkwardness, sort through his conflicting, crowded thoughts, and talk to him. And well, avoiding the conversation feels a lot easier in the short term, so it’s not too bad...right? 

_Wrong_ , his gut tells him every time. _You’re so wrong for this_. And still, he can’t do it.

Chan can’t bring himself to look the elder in the eyes, not even during their duet stage performances. He chides himself then, because he is a professional! He can’t possibly let the strange, awkward atmosphere that now hangs between the two get in the way of a fun and enjoyable performance for their fans. This isn’t him - and still, when Seokmin stands in front of him, singing about how “that’s just the way you make me feel,” Chan just can’t do it. 

Maybe Chan wouldn’t be struggling as much as he is if that were the only change happening. Still there’s something else - a buzzing feeling down to his bones - that tells him something in Soonyoung has changed as well. Chan can feel this change in the way Soonyoung’s arm around his waist grow just a little tighter every night, just a little more desperate, as though the elder were clinging to him like some sort of hope at the end of the tunnel or like a lifeline he is barely hanging by. He notices Soonyoung’s pretty, upturned gaze linger on him just a second longer and grow just a bit deeper each passing day. Chan finds himself more often than not in Soonyoung’s company these days, either tucked into his side in bed, standing shoulder to shoulder on the stage floor, sitting across from each other during their lunch breaks, or laying across Soonyoung’s lap while cooling off. All of these things are changes Chan can’t quite place or doesn’t know what to do with. He thinks back hard on occasion, trying to pinpoint an exact moment that might have triggered Soonyoung’s behavior toward him to change. He comes back from this trip down memory lane empty-handed every single time, but to question it would be to ruin the magical aura that seems to surround the pair. To question such sudden closeness would be to risk its disappearance, only to be replaced by the same air of stiffness and frigidity that now perpetually circles around him and Seokmin.

To question it would be to lose it, and Chan loves this newfound closeness much too deeply to allow that to happen. He craves it with every fiber of his being, knowing that Soonyoung is out of his reach, unattainable like water slipping through his fingers. If this is all he can get - the most that Soonyoung will allow him - then Chan will gladly accept it. Every second spent with Kwon Soonyoung is a privilege he doesn’t deserve but receives generously from the elder. It’s a merciful gift, if not a consolation prize for Chan’s unrequited feelings. Chan figures that he should be above needing Soonyoung’s proximity and warmth so desperately, but that little fist-sized ball of pumping muscle sitting in his chest won’t let him move on. Soonyoung is still that itch he can’t scratch, that ache that never subsides. It hurts to be with Soonyoung, but to _not_ be with Soonyoung hurts unbearably more.

So instead of picking his head up from Soonyoung’s shoulder at night, meeting the elder’s sparkling gaze, and asking what between them might have changed, Chan only cuddles closer, holding Soonyoung’s hand and breathing in deeply his soft smell of citrus and lemongrass. He puts to rest the raging thoughts crowding his head by focusing on the gentle, steady heartbeat under his ear, the sensation of Soonyoung’s lips pressing a featherlight kiss to his temple, and the slow, even breaths that seem to follow after, Soonyoung’s hold on Chan never loosening.

By their second set of shows in Saitama, Jeonghan has rejoined the group on stage, color restored to his cheeks, lighthearted jokes and laughter to be heard almost everywhere, and almost always some form of food clutched in his hand. Soonyoung starts to join them on stage as well, albeit now sitting in a chair set a bit off to the side on the main stage so that at least his vocals wouldn’t be absent, ankle supported in a brace for the next six weeks. Seokmin permanently replaces Soonyoung for their special duet stage, and while Chan tries his best not to seem bitter, the unpleasant flavor in his mouth betrays his feelings on the matter. 

The fact that this unusually pungent flavor sitting on his tongue during practice could easily be remedied by a taste of Seokmin’s sugary sweet honey does not get lost on Chan. The fact that Seokmin could easily give Chan everything he’s ever craved from Soonyoung, and maybe even more, does not get lost on Chan. The fact that maybe, just maybe, with enough time and effort, Chan could find it in himself to develop feelings for Seokmin does not get lost on him. In fact, the thought circles his mind more often than not when Soonyoung isn’t around to distract him from feeling cold and alone. He watches Seokmin from a distance and ponders what it might actually be like if he gave the elder a chance. After all, being on Seokmin’s side of a one-sided attraction isn’t something unfamiliar to him. Chan knows better than anyone how badly it hurts to not be seen, to be discounted, to give all of yourself to come back empty-handed. The more he thinks about it, he’s left Seokmin’s ever-giving hands empty more times than not. Would it really be so bad to try? Would it be worth a shot? 

For a moment, he almost breaks past the barrier. He takes the first step toward Seokmin, but something pulls him back every time. The frustration grows, and with that, the distance.

Seokmin will sulk, and again, Chan will pretend not to notice.

By their third set of shows in Osaka, Hansol and Seungkwan have announced their relationship to the group, seemingly on much better terms than they’d been the night Hansol opened up about their struggles on the streets of Fukuoka, and throwing playful subs about _certain people_ having discovered them beforehand and pretended that they hadn’t. The members are just as excited for them as they had been for Jeonghan and Joshua, and while Chan isn’t surprised, he must admit that seeing Jihoon’s eyes turn into small little upward crescents to match the grin on his face once he hears the news is both refreshing and greatly reassuring. Hansol is sure to thank Chan for his advice personally with plenty of food and snacks. He is also sure to ask Chan about why he and Seokmin suddenly seem to be two worlds apart. Luckily, Chan has become adept at circumventing awkward conversations these days, so when he boldly avoids the question by stuffing his mouth full of sushi and turning the conversation onto how Hansol managed to convince Seungkwan, the elder doesn’t press. He never does.

By their fourth set of shows in Tokyo, Chan can feel a certain acceptance and security among the group members as a whole that he hadn’t felt in months. It’s as though they’ve finally come to the end of the bumpy road, hands interlocked and breathing a sigh of relief that they made it. SEVENTEEN as Chan knows it will be okay - maybe even more than that. They’ll be great. Amazing. Strong. The maknae finds comfort in the feeling and allows himself to believe that if the group could make it through all the recent challenges thrown their way, then maybe he could, too. He could finally hype himself up enough to talk things through with Seokmin and start to repair their crumbling relationship. He could learn to live comfortably with his unreturned feelings for Soonyoung and perhaps let go of the dream that he still has a chance every time the elder pulls him close and buries his face in Chan’s hair once the lights go out.

Chan thinks that the air in the capital city of Japan feels different from the other tour cities. He can feel a certain undeniable electricity in the air - a sensation that something exciting might happen tonight. It’s the same current of electricity he feels zap through his body when his and Soonyoung’s eyes meet first thing in the morning. There’s an unknown glint in Soonyoung’s gaze that Chan can’t quite place but thrills him no less. That same buzz follows them to the lobby where the members gather to head to the venue. It persists throughout rehearsals and peaks at the very end, when a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and squeezing him catches Chan by surprise.

The familiar scent of Soonyoung fills the air around the two, and instinctively, Chan’s cheek is rubbing against the elder’s. It’s a playful gesture the two have had for years, but every cell in Chan’s body tells him that today it’s different. Soonyoung _feels_ different. His stomach clenches and flips at the thought of what that sort of _different_ might entail. The sensation that rolls through him from his head to his toes is inexplicable; Chan can only equate it to that feeling that courses through his body as the roller coaster cars finally reach the peak just before the final, thrilling drop at full-speed The anticipation for the unknown almost makes him shiver.

“Eat lunch with me?” Soonyoung asks, round, squishy cheeks growing with what Chan can only read as a mischievous smile on his face.

Chan regards him with suspicion, narrowing his eyes at the elder. “Only if you tell me what you’re planning,” he replies with a cocked brow and smirk.

Soonyoung is quick to feign innocence, gasping exaggeratedly and pouting cutely. He clasps his hands together in front of him, rocking back on his good heel. “I have no idea what you mean! How could you imply I’m planning something!”

“Because you’ve got that classic BooSeokSoon gag look in your eyes! Who are you gonna prank - is it Wonwoo-hyung? I’ll help!”

Soonyoung frowns, flicking Chan’s forehead. The maknae yowls, drawing the attention of said Wonwoo, who now watches them weirdly and rolls his eyes. Soonyoung grins bashfully at the rapper before turning back to Chan. “Hey, so this is what you do to us hyungs, huh? You help plan pranks? I raised you better than this Lee Chan,” the elder chides, albeit with a playful edge.

Chan stifles back a laugh and shrugs. “I have no idea what you mean!” he parrots, drawing a comically exaggerated eye roll from Soonyoung.

“Kids these days...you raise them, treat them with love and kindness, watch out for them, and they turn into brats as recompense. I can’t believe-”

“Hyung! Your point?”

Soonyoung laughs and shakes his head. “Alright, alright. You caught me. I’m up to something. Just come eat with me and you’ll see.”

Chan can only find it in himself to agree to Soonyoung’s whim - he is but a weak human for him, after all - and follows the hobbling elder backstage. The pair grab takeout cartons of black bean noodles, Chan whining that Soonyoung got more kimchi than him. He is about to turn toward the tables where some of the staff, Mingyu, and Joshua have already sat, but Soonyoung tugs on his wrist, pulling in a different direction. Chan looks up at him questioningly, watching as Soonyoung gestures toward the back staircase with his chin.

“Okay…” Chan mumbles in confusion, following Soonyoung up the stairs. He holds the unit leader’s food carton as Soonyoung supports himself on the handrails to climb up. Chan wants to question the elder further, but only holds back when Soonyoung looks back and shoots him a grin. Chan returns it, feeling his heart skip a beat as he follows the dancer up. 

Soonyoung settles at the top of the staircase, sitting down in front of a bright red door signaling the exit to the roof. Chan sits beside him, handing him his food carton and a pair of chopsticks. “Okay...we’re out of everyone’s earshot, you struggled up the stairs, and here we are. Noooow do you want to tell me what you’re up to?” Chan asks.

He doesn’t have to wonder for long though, not when Soonyoung shoots him a cheeky grin as he pulls something from the inside of his puffy coat. “I snuck in a little something, and I only want to share it with you.” Soonyoung pulls out a small bottle of what Chan quickly recognizes as Japanese sake.

Chan’s eyes widen in shock, round as saucers. “Hyung! When did you get that?” he asks as Soonyoung pops the cap off and takes a swig from the bottle, wincing slightly as he hands it to Chan. The maknae takes it graciously, taking a long swig from it himself and shivering as he feels the fermented beverage burn its way down his throat and cause ripples of warm waves to spread throughout his body.

“I got Hyunwoo from lighting to pick some up for me last night. It’s good, right?” Soonyoung asks, cheeks already beginning to flush a dusty pink color. Chan is quick to nod, passing the bottle back to Soonyoung.

“You are something else, hyung,” Chan muses, shaking his head and laughing a little. “You always find a way around the no drinking on tour rule.”

Soonyoung chuckles at himself, shoving a mouthful of noodles into his mouth. “Well…” he says in between chews. “Truthfully, I didn’t ask him to get it for me so much...I thought you could use a little unwinding, Channie,” the elder confesses.

Chan looks up from his food, catching Soonyoung’s gaze. It’s full a little less with jest now, and a little more concern. “Why would you think that?” Chan asks.

Soonyoung pauses before running his fingers through Chan’s hair. “You say things in your sleep sometimes. I can’t always tell what you’re saying, but all I can gather is that you’re stressed. I just wanted to help a little, in whatever way I can.” Soonyoung smiles gently, passing the bottle to Chan once again and encouraging him to sip from it again. Chan exhales shakily, nodding and taking another long swig of sake. 

“I didn’t think you’d notice,” Chan mumbles, suddenly not feeling as hungry as he had a moment ago. 

“Of course I would! Why wouldn’t I?” Soonyoung is quick to protest, almost appearing offended at the idea of not paying enough attention to the maknae.

“I don’t know! I just figured, what with your injury and the tour, well...that you might have other things on your mind.”

“Neither of those things are more important to me than you. I hope you know that,” Soonyoung replies, turning at an angle to face Chan. The maknae can feel his cheeks heat, though he’s unsure of whether it’s the sake or Soonyoung’s words causing him to blush.

Chan doesn’t answer right away, only managing a weak smile as he takes another bite of his food. Soonyoung drinks from the sake bottle a couple more times before settling it between them. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. There’s something hidden in his gaze, as though he were secretly fishing for something Chan isn’t aware of.

The maknae chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment before shaking his head. “Not really, to be honest. I just want to focus on what’s important.”

To Chan’s dismay, however, Soonyoung isn’t quite as adept at letting things go as Hansol is. “Are you sure? I really want to help, but I have no idea what’s happening and it’s worrying me. You know you can rely on me for whatever it is, right? I’ll make it better.”

Chan nods quickly. “I know, I know. Thank you, hyung, but really, it’s just not something I feel like getting into right now.” Soonyoung’s shoulders instantly slump in defeat, making Chan almost regret his choice to keep quiet on his worries over Seokmin plaguing him. “I promise it’s nothing personal! I’m just really not up for it right now, you know?”

“Okay...I get it,” he replies, offering Chan a weak smile. He slides the bottle back to Chan, who moves to swig from it before pausing.

“We probably shouldn’t drink this whole thing right now. We’ve still got some numbers to go through, and Hyerim-noona will kill us if she realizes we’ve been drinking.”

Soonyoung hums in acknowledgment, looking down at the bottle sitting between them. “I guess that’s true. Wanna save the rest for tonight then?” he asks.

Chan grins and nods. “Sure thing. Thank you, honestly. You were right. I did need it.”

“I’m always right,” Soonyoung quips back, laughing when Chan shoves him goodnaturedly.

“As if! You’re a total mess, hyung!”

Chan turns back to his food, missing the way Soonyoung’s smile dims at his words. “Yeah, I know,” he mumbles softly under his breath.

“What was that?” the maknae asks, looking back up at Soonyoung.

The unit leader shakes his head. “Nothing,” he replies, quick to recover and stuff his cheeks full of noodles. Chan giggles at the sight of the hamster-like man, pushing away the tiny itch of curiosity that leaves him questioning what Soonyoung might have said.

The pair finish their lunch, making small talk and jokes in between. They discuss ideas for their weekly Soonchan V-LIVE tomorrow night, right after their second show in Tokyo and final show of the dome tour. Once Chan decides that Soonyoung’s initial buzz from the sake has subsided sufficiently because “God, hyung, you’re such a lightweight,” the two return backstage for the second half of rehearsals.

He’s holding Soonyoung’s hand as they make their way down the stairs, the unit leader naturally slower due to his injury. Chan feels his chest flutter at the almost otherworldly sensation of his fingers woven through Soonyoung’s. They don’t have to hold hands this way; the maknae is very acutely aware that this isn’t how just guy friends hold hands. “Just bros” don’t intertwine their fingers, nor do they swipe a thumb across the back of the other’s hand. Still, the pad of Soonyoung’s thumb is soft against Chan’s warm hand, his fingers thin and delicate threaded between his own. Still, Soonyoung’s warm, upturned eyes regard Chan in a way the youngest doesn’t think he’s ever seen before; whether or not the cause is related to the swigs of sake the pair shared in secret, only the heavens know, Chan figures.

Chan is giggling at something outlandish that Soonyoung says when he feels the elder halt beside him. Only then does he crack his eyes open, giggles dying on his lips almost immediately. An instant sense of deja-vu overcomes him when his eyes find Seokmin’s, the singer frozen in place. His eyes flick between Chan, Soonyoung, and their holding hands, and almost instantly the maknae watches his gaze cloud over in dejection. Chan is suddenly brought back to the night Seokmin stood in Soonyoung’s place instead, warm, sweet, and slightly in like.

A sudden pang in his chest makes Chan feel that he’s been caught doing something terribly wrong. He tugs on Soonyoung’s hand to let go and stifles a gasp when Soonyoung’s hold only tightens, keeping their fingers interlocked. Chan can practically feel the tension radiating off of the unit leader, as though he were gearing up for some challenge that neither he or Seokmin are privy to. He makes a mental note to ask Soonyoung about it later.

“Hey Seokminnie,” Soonyoung says, tone noticeably less lighthearted than it had been just moments ago. Chan wonders if the elder is seeing the exact same scene playing in his head as Chan is. Chan wonders if he’s satisfied.

Chan wonders if his relationship with Seokmin isn’t the only one that’s changed.

Seokmin seems to snap out of his stupor for a second, refocusing on Soonyoung, who watches him carefully. Chan watches the singer’s signature sunny grin appear on his face, curling the corners of his pink lips upward. “Oh, hi hyung!” Seokmin chirps. “Hyerim-noona was looking for you two. I think Jun-hyung and Myungho are ready for rehearsals.”

Soonyoung falters for a second, perhaps not expecting such a reaction, before visibly relaxing and offering Seokmin a bright smile in return. Still, Chan’s heart shrivels like a raisin in his chest, because he knows better.

Soonyoung doesn’t see what Chan sees - he doesn’t see the way the corners of Seokmin’s lips wobble almost unnoticeably. He doesn’t see the subtle crease of his brows or the faint droop of his eyelids. Soonyoung doesn’t notice the way Seokmin’s index finger begins to pick at the skin next to his thumbnail, scratching it red and raw. Soonyoung doesn’t realize how impossibly hard Seokmin is working to hide it all, retreat and bury himself under the happy virus label pushed onto him by just about everyone - not just the company.

Seokmin is grinning, but Chan can only stare at the floor in shame, holding back the urge to cry.

“Got it, thanks!” Soonyoung replies, disheveling Seokmin’s brown hair before moving past him, pulling Chan along with him. Chan swallows thickly and walks past Seokmin, ignoring the way the back of their hands brush fleetingly. He feels Seokmin turn as he passes, watching him, but Chan can’t bring himself to look back. He feels trapped behind a plexiglass wall, unable to reach through it and get to Seokmin, touch him, talk to him, _feel_ him.

Chan is stuck between what his body so badly wants and what his head fears most, and as much as he wishes he could just fucking push past the fears, be an adult and handle things the way Seokmin deserves, he can’t do it. He’s never felt more like a scared child in his life. 

Running away is much easier - until it’s not.

The encounter follows him throughout rehearsals and their first Tokyo Dome concert. Chan goes through the motions, hits the right moves, sings the right lines, but his brain is on another planet. Only Soonyoung seems to notice it because _of course he would_. Soonyoung knows Chan better than the maknae knows himself. To his surprise, the elder doesn’t ask; quite the opposite, in fact. Soonyoung makes it a point to fill almost every empty space in their conversations with as many words as possible as if trying to crowd Chan’s thoughts with his voice to avoid a particular something from coming up. Chan can’t figure out what that something is, but he doesn’t have the time to dwell on it long enough.

Not when Seokmin finally chokes up during his verse in “Habit,” the crack of his voice painfully reverberating across the stadium.

Chan is on his feet backstage in a split second, wide eyes watching as Seokmin turns his face sideways, away from the fans, and struggles to collect himself, shoulders trembling with the effort. Still, the song continues, the other members picking up for him. The other vocalists noticeably raise their voice to hide the tremble in Seokmin’s during the final chorus, and once they all return backstage, Chan finds himself beelining for Seokmin.

He isn’t surprised that the rest of the members don’t descend upon him to make sure he’s okay; most of the other members are too busy changing into their outfits for the next two group songs to have noticed what happened on stage anyway. Even as the vocal unit returns backstage, Chan watches them simply rub Seokmin’s back or say words of encouragement - _don’t feel bad, it happens sometimes, don’t worry too much_. Chan wonders if maybe they chalked up Seokmin’s mess-up to nerves, being overrun with emotion over the song, or just a voice crack that happens from time to time.

Still, Chan knows in his heart that none of those are the reason - not when Seokmin catches his gaze and looks away instantly, bottom lip wobbling. He watches worriedly as Seokmin slips through the swarm of staff, stylists, and the other members to escape further backstage. He wonders if he should just stay back and give him some privacy to get his emotions under control again, but the guilty, nagging feeling in his chest that this is somehow his fault is enough to get his feet moving and go after Seokmin.

He finds the elder in a smaller dressing room farthest from the others, bent over a vanity, a vice like grip on the edge of it. Chan can hear the soft cries before he can actually see Seokmin’s face reflected in the mirror, his heart shriveling up into a pulp at the sound. Softly, he steps inside, locking the door behind him. The click causes Seokmin to jump, his red, watery eyes meeting Chan’s in the mirror. The scene feels somewhat familiar, the two of them finding themselves alone in a dressing room once again.

“Chan?” Seokmin croaks out. “What are you doing back here?”

Chan swallows thickly and tentatively approaches him. “I’m sorry,” he starts, completely unsure of what he’s doing but knowing that he had to do _something_. “You probably want to be alone, and I guess I’m the last person you want to see right now-” 

“No, it’s...it’s fine,” Seokmin is quick to say, swallowing thickly and turning toward him. “I’m just surprised...you seemed to be content to ignore me all this time.” The maknae cringes at the bitterness leaking into his tone. It’s so unlike Seokmin that it hurts. Chan feels a sudden bout of nerves swish in his belly - fear of rejection - but he presses on. Rather, he finally gathers the courage to let all of the conflicting thoughts he’s been battling pour out of his heart because _this is enough. You deserve an explanation._

“I’m sorry it took... _this_ for me to come find you. I’ve been so, so unfair to you, and you deserve an explanation.” Chan comes closer, stepping into Seokmin’s space and wiping the tear tracks away with his thumb. His makeup smears across his cheek with the movement. Seokmin’s breath hitches at the contact, eyes closing and fresh tears streaming down his face. Chan, still unsure of his actions, leans in and presses a gentle kiss to his cheek, just above the smear.

“I know you like me, hyung.”

Seokmin’s eyes suddenly snap open, widening in alarm. He shakes his head, lips already parting in denial, but Chan is quick to reassure him. “No it’s okay...it’s okay. You don’t have to deny it. I think I’ve known for a while now, but I couldn’t bring myself to believe it until now.”

“N-No, you’re wrong-”

“I’m not the only one who’s noticed.”

This causes Seokmin to fall silent instantly, lips slightly agape as he processes what he’s hearing. Chan watches as his eyes cloud over with dejection and his face turn bright red with shame. Seokmin’s lips wobble again as he turns his face, looking anywhere but at Chan. The younger shakes his head, pulling back Seokmin’s chin to face him.

“Don’t do that. You don’t have to do that. Just...hear me out, okay? Please?” Chan pleads. Seokmin’s eyes flick to the door, almost as though contemplating running away, before finally meeting Chan’s gaze tentatively and nodding.

Chan smiles gently despite tears beginning to spring into his own smoky eyes. He blinks rapidly to clear them and takes a deep breath, willing himself to speak. “The reason I avoided you all this time was because I was angry and scared. I felt lied to, especially after you promised me things between us were only platonic. I was scared because I didn’t know what to do about it, what would happen next, or what it would even mean for us. I felt guilty since all this time had gone by, and I hadn’t noticed. But most of all, I just felt so sorry for hurting you.”

“No don’t...Chan don’t blame yourself. It’s my own fault,” Seokmin struggles to get out, fists tightening at his sides. “You had every right to be angry. I lied to you and hid what I was feeling. That’s why it’s my own fault I’m hurting.”

“No, I took so much from you mindlessly. I acted selfishly in every which way, seeking you out every night expecting more and more from you, ignoring the fact that I might have been hurting you by coming back to you for...for things. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. You don’t deserve it. What do you need from me, hyung? Is there anything? You always give me what I want so selflessly, but...what do _you_ want?”

Seokmin swallows thickly, lips trembling as he looks away from Chan. He pulls away, leaving the younger feeling colder than he’d like. He sniffles, wiping at his face with his hand and taking a deep breath. He seems unfocused. “Uh...well I-I don’t know, Chan...this is a lot to process-”

Chan’s throat begins to knot at the overwhelming sense of desperation that overtakes him. “There has to be something. Just tell me. It’s okay.”

“I-I just think now really isn’t the time-”

“But hyung!”

Seokmin grows visibly upset, raising his voice enough to make Chan flinch. “What do you want me to say, Chan?” he cries, face contorting in a mixture of hurt and frustration. “That I want you to like me back? That I want a real relationship with you, even when you don’t feel the same way? How could I ask that of you?”

Chan’s eyes light up with hope. “I-I could try! We’re already so close, and maybe if I try, I can-”

Seokmin scoffs bitterly, shaking his head and slipping his hands out of Chan’s grasp. “God, Chan, how do you think dating me out of pity is going to make me happy? And you? How would that be fair to you?”

“It’s not like that, I swear! I think it could work! We’ve already been through so much... _done_ so much! Would it really be so different from where we are now?”

Seokmin’s eyes grow wide with disbelief. “Chan...listen to yourself. We’re talking about a serious relationship. It would be worlds different!”

“But isn’t it still worth a try? I just…I hate that you’re hurting, so I want to make it better!” Chan cries, clinging onto Seokmin. He’s desperate to make things right, to make Seokmin happy after all the elder has sacrificed for him. And he _wants_ to try, for so many reasons.

“No, no—Chan, stop!” The elder groans in frustration, shaking Chan off of him once again and backing away. “Sometimes you just _can’t_. You can’t _make_ everything better, and you can’t _make_ people stop hurting. You don’t have to do anything. There isn’t anything you _can_ do, Channie. Falling...falling in love with you was my own choice, and the consequences are mine to deal with alone. Don’t make me feel worse than I already do. Don’t...don’t make me hope.” 

Seokmin’s voice breaks again, visibly trembling. The younger feels a pang of hurt in his chest at the elder’s rejection, eyes welling up with tears once again. It feels all too familiar, the cold, icy feeling circling around his heart and squeezing. It’s the feeling of not being wanted settling in his chest, the feeling of not being enough. Every bone in his body hurts not only because he knows better than anyone how Seokmin feels, but because this time, he’s the reason for it. While he knows deep down that Seokmin is right - that sometimes there just isn’t anything that _can_ be done - he can’t find it in himself to just do _nothing_. Simply letting things go without trying to make things right has never been something Chan has been able to do. He can’t accept it. 

So Chan shakes his head in denial, closing the distance between himself and Seokmin, and hugs him tightly, face pressed into his chest. He is relieved when Seokmin’s arms still find their way around his frame, face buried in his hair. He feels strong and warm, smells like vanilla and cotton candy. Chan instantly feels an envelope of safety and comfort encase him, and ripples of gentle heat wash across his body, settling in the pit of his stomach. Despite everything, certain things between them never change. “You know I can’t just sit back and pretend you’re not hurting because of me. Look, just...can we try? I _want_ to try...please.”

“Chan no, it would be—look, this really isn’t the time for this. We have to go—“

“Just hear me out, please!” Chan cries, taking hold of Seokmin’s hands and pulling away just enough to meet the elder’s conflicted gaze. “I swear, I’m not saying this out of pity. I really, really want to try. I know you won’t believe me, but I’ve been giving it a lot of thought for a while. You mean everything to me—you’ve been there for me constantly, watching out for me, and taking care of me when I felt alone. You’ve done so much more for me than I could ever ask for. I love being with you, and you make me so happy...like everything in the world is going to be okay. You feel like home to me, and it’s not like I don’t feel anything. I swear to you that I do. I wouldn’t look for you all the time if I didn’t. And we fit each other so well! We’re the perfect team, remember? You said it yourself. All I’m asking for is one chance. Just one.”

Seokmin stares at Chan for a moment, thoughts battling themselves inside. “Channie...do you realize what you’re asking of me? If we give this a try, I get my hopes up, and it turns out you really can’t love me that way...it’ll destroy me. Why would I put myself through that?”

Chan falls silent. How _could_ he guarantee that his feelings for Seokmin would grow? Sure, there is something there, but is it enough to grow into the kind of love Seokmin feels for him? Could it ever replace what he feels for Soonyoung? Are the risks worth hurting Seokmin even more?

It hits Chan suddenly that once again, he’s asking Seokmin for more and more - more trust, more risks, more love, more of him. He’d started this by asking Seokmin what he wanted, and now it’s turned into what Chan wants - again.

“I...I don’t know...I’m being selfish again. I’m so sorry, hyung,” Chan whispers, the full weight of hopelessness crushing him underneath, shoulders sagging in defeat. His eyes drop to the floor, unable to look at Seokmin any longer. All he feels is shame; he suddenly wishes the ground would swallow him whole. Maybe then he’d stop hurting Seokmin. Maybe _he’d_ stop hurting, too.

Chan suddenly feels Seokmin’s warm hands cup his cheeks and lift his face. The maknae lets out a stifled cry when their eyes meet again, body trembling uselessly. Seokmin’s crying again, and yet Chan can finally see it now - all the love the elder has buried for him swimming in his watery gaze. It’s almost too much, almost too soul-crushing.

“I want you, Chan - so badly you don’t understand. But not like this...not this way. I can’t.”

The maknae finally nods in understanding, sniffling softly. “I get it. I’m so sorry.”

Seokmin pulls him close then, hugging him tightly to his body. Chan squeezes him back, losing himself in the familiarity of his embrace. He doesn’t want to let go, afraid that if and when he does, he’ll never get to hold him again. They’ll be as good as strangers, distant and unfamiliar. Chan can’t lose this - lose him - when he’s grown so used to him. Chan can’t imagine not having Seokmin there anymore without feeling like crumbling into dust. He needs him to feel whole. 

“You don’t need to be sorry. None of it is your fault. Honestly, I’ve never regretted what I feel for you. I never will. You’ve made me so much happier than you can imagine, Channie.”

“But I don’t deserve you or your feelings, hyung.”

“Don’t do that-”

“Where the hell are Dino and Dokyeom?” a piercing voice suddenly sounds from backstage. Chan jumps, eyes widening. “We’re running behind schedule!” _Shit._

Fear flashes across Seokmin’s face as he realizes his state. “Shit, I’m a mess. We’ve gotta go-”

_But still, I’m not ready to let go. I can’t let you go._

Chan’s body runs on autopilot, the younger no longer thinking straight and acting on what can only feel right to him. Because Seokmin is right. He pulls Seokmin back one more time, the burning ache to just _feel something_ causing him to stand on his tiptoes and press his lips to Seokmin’s own. Unlike the desperation furiously pumping throughout Chan’s body, the kiss is soft and sweet - always like warm milk and honey, like Valentine’s Day came early, like saccharine candy floss on Easter. Seokmin easily melts right into it, perhaps out of habit, perhaps out of need, or perhaps out of love. 

Seokmin feels right, _is right_. Of this he is positive, and all the rest comes later. 

Chan feels the usual ripples of warmth melt the icy feeling that had settled into his bones just moments ago and for a second - just a split second - there’s a spark. It’s small, timid, and flickering, but it’s there. Chan’s insides twist and burn, tremble and throb. He suddenly can’t pull away - his hand finds its way into Seokmin’s hair, fingers carding through it as Seokmin lets out a deep sigh into his mouth.

_You’re like fucking magic in a mason jar._

Suddenly the small of Chan’s back is pressed against the edge of the vanity, Seokmin’s hands gripping Chan’s hips as though the maknae were about to disintegrate into a pile of ash. Chan is taken aback at how quickly their kiss seems to shift, starting off slow and sweet and now tangy and urgent. Chan’s foot nudges Seokmin’s leg, and without a single word spoken, the elder knows to pick him up and sit him on the vanity top. Chan’s toes curl on their own, legs wrapping around Seokmin’s hips and tugging him closer, lips parting for Seokmin to invade-

“Dino! Dokyeom!” Hyerim’s voice cuts through the air, the short woman clearly angry now.

Only then do the two jump apart, Seokmin staring at Chan through hazy, shocked eyes.

“I felt something,” Chan blurts out, wide eyed. 

Seokmin stares in paralyzing disbelief, pointing an accusatory finger at Chan. “You just-

“I swear to you Seokmin-hyung, I felt something. Right in here.” Chan pats his chest, hands trembling with so many emotions packed into his small frame still reeling from the kiss.

Seokmin still seems unconvinced and guarded, but after a beat of silence, he finally groans. “You...I’m...fuck...Fuck, okay. Fine, I’ll think about it. No promises, Lee Chan.” With that, he turns from Chan and runs backstage, a slew of apologies falling from his lips. Chan follows suit a moment later, flinching under Hyerim’s heated gaze and feeling like he’s floating in space.

“Where have you been?” Jeonghan is quick to ask as Chan practically throws off his pants and jumps into new ones, the hands of the stylists fumbling to fix his wrecked makeup and hair. They don’t ask questions, bless their souls, but Chan simply _knows_ they’re speculating. “And why are you a mess? Wait...did you-”

“Seokmin-hyung,” he mouths to the elder, whose eyes shoot wide open. 

“You guys okay?” Jeonghan mouths back, a worried crease forming between his brows.

“We’ll see.” Jeonghan frowns a little but still nods again, looking away when Joshua gets his attention. Chan’s gaze zips across the room, searching for Seokmin. His heart slams against his chest painfully when he finds Seokmin watching him too, expression unreadable.

Chan’s breath hitches. _Oh, fuck._

Jihoon catches Chan’s attention, the shorter man continuing to ask Seokmin if he’s okay, reassuring him that his mistake was fine, he shouldn’t be so hard on himself, he’ll do better next time. Seokmin only smiles weakly and nods, thanking the unit leader for his support. It hits Chan then that everyone is misinterpreting it all, assuming Seokmin broke down out of frustration over his mistake. He shouldn’t be surprised, not when the main vocalist normally holds himself to such high standards and beats himself up badly every time he performs even the slightest bit less than perfect. Soon Joshua has joined the pair, followed by Minghao and Mingyu. They all take their time to encourage him, even as Seokmin tells them time and time again that he’s okay, beaming his signature sunny smile at them in reassurance. 

Their eyes meet again, and Chan swears he can see a new sparkle in them.

“Where did you two go?” Soonyoung suddenly asks from beside him, snapping Chan out of his daze and grounding him once again. “You know you almost put us all in a bad spot, right?” He seems clearly annoyed on the outside, but Chan somehow senses a deeper sense of worry in the dancer. 

“I was just making sure he was okay-”

“And you? Your makeup was a mess.”

Chan swallows, looking past Soonyoung and at Seokmin one more time. “I hate seeing him cry.”

Soonyoung seems to soften instantly, letting out a long sigh. “Seokminnie must be really upset at himself then. I wish he wouldn’t be,” he replies, brows creasing in worry.

“Right...me too,” Chan muses, looking from Seokmin to Soonyoung. He offers the elder an apologetic smile, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry we took so long. Time got away from us.”

Soonyoung smiles back, bright, upturned eyes turning into endearing little crescent moods. “It’s alright, I know how you are. We’re okay anyway. Just in time actually.” The dancer seems to reach to ruffle his hair, only stopping himself when a stylist yelps and whacks his hand playfully with a comb.

“Don’t you dare, I just fixed it!” she warns. Chan giggles at the exchange, watching Soonyoung pout and mumble something about his hair “not looking all that different from before anyway.”

“Positions, everyone! We’re just on schedule!” Hyerim calls over the chaos backstage, the final chorus of “Back It Up” blaring over the speakers. And again, the rest of the members file through the tunnel underneath the stage, taking their places on the rising platforms for “Hit.” 

Chan finds himself standing in position in front of Seokmin, the platforms seconds from rising. He turns to look up at the elder, who arguably looks much better than he had just a couple of minutes ago with his makeup fixed and hair styled perfectly once again. Seokmin’s eyes drop from ahead to Chan, twinkling with the same sparkle Chan had seen earlier. The maknae feels a cozy bubble of hope flare up in his chest then - that maybe, like everything else with the group, he and Seokmin could make Whatever This Is work too. Maybe Chan could move on. Maybe the two could actually put a name to Whatever This Is and turn it into something beautiful.

Not perfect. Flawed, unconventional, and perhaps messy in its own right, but always beautiful.

Seokmin’s lips turn upward into a small, timid smile. _Yeah...this kind of beautiful is worth a try._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, questions, comments, nightmares, and constructive criticism are always welcome!! they really help me form the coming chapters and focus on things to improve or make clearer, so anything is appreciated!!! thank you so much for reading <3


	25. [seokmin] a dangerous plan, just this time...i’ll take this chance, so call me blind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a conflicted Seokmin wonders whether some risks are worth taking, no matter the outcome.
> 
> title from "I Was Made for Loving You" - Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we FINALLY get to hear from seok! i'm proud of this one, actually. this is a pretty introspective piece, but it's rich with little golden eggs hinting toward the future and referencing the past, so keep an eye out for those!!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: i'm not purposely aiming to push anyone into favoring either soonchan or seokchan! both sets of relationships have their strong points and their flaws, and neither is perfect! i'll be digging into soonyoung a lot more in the future because from reading comments and (obsessively) thinking about the story, i think his feelings and motives regarding chan are becoming a bit more unclear than i'd like with the current pace of the story. pls continue to leave comments with your questions, speculations, and thoughts! they really are super important to me for the purposes of framing the story and the characters in the best way i can. as always, thank you so much for supporting this wild ride of a fic!!! <3

The moment Seokmin settles into the back seat of the company minivan next to Joshua, his mind is reeling nonstop. His chest floods with a million and one emotions that he can’t quite begin to sort yet for risk of having a meltdown in the back seat and drawing the attention of the others. Still, he manages to unpack at least one of them - an overwhelming sense of conflict.

In all his years of life, Seokmin can safely say that he’s stood at many crossroads.

He remembers some more distinctly than others, like the time he was faced with the decision of whether or not to join Pledis as a trainee, despite still going to school, being a minor at the time, and dealing with societal pressures to go to college, be successful, and make his family proud. He can also remember clearly when he found himself faced with the choice of whether or not to take part in _Excalibur_ , knowing that taking on the lead role in the musical would inevitably cut into the time and energy he could spend on the group instead. There was also that time he found himself weighing the pros and cons of taking on the leadership role in BSS and deciding whether he would be fit for such a position when Soonyoung has more leadership experience and Seungkwan is more of a force to be reckoned with - extroverted and comical, confident and assertive. 

Still, none of those definitive moments ever weighed as heavily on his shoulders as the one which he faces now - the crossroads that leads him down too many possible outcomes that could either build or destroy him. At these crossroads, Seokmin might find himself with the one person he’s come to love more than his own life, or cold and alone in his bed, wondering whether he made the right choice by giving up. Even still, more outcomes stem from these - Seokmin could either be with Chan and find himself loved in return or still feel just as cold even with the younger by his side. He can either be the happiest or the most broken he’s ever been.

Thinking about all the possible outcomes makes his head hurt and his chest throb with a longing so deep and so much greater than himself that he almost avoids the crossroads entirely, heading down some side road that would inevitably result in a dead end and no closure. Would pretending that none of what happened in that backstage dressing room with Chan bring him any peace, or gnaw at his insides even more?

See, where he is right now - someone close to Chan but not Chan’s, someone Chan needs but might not want, someone loved but not _loved_ \- Seokmin can find some semblance of comfort. The ability to be with Chan this way alone is more than he could ever ask for. Just having the privilege of touching Chan like he’s his, even if he isn’t, is enough to numb the ache in his heart and the burning need for the younger. Seokmin is humble and grateful, holding onto every fleeting moment he is able to spend in Chan’s presence like a priceless treasure excavated from deep inside the earth - devastatingly rare but astoundingly beautiful.

Still, his selfish and lonely heart can only long for more. His love for Chan makes him want to give him all of himself all the time, even if it kills him inside. It’s a feeling he’s tried and failed on many occasions to put into words but can only equate it to laying himself down like a sacrificial lamb headed to the slaughter just for Chan, if only such an act would make the younger happy.

It’s like this: Seokmin can’t be objective with himself. He’s past being able to weigh the pros and cons of being with Chan, of allowing himself the possibility to dream of a life they might never have together. He knows this kind of love for Chan is tearing him apart, seam by seam, but he’s never felt this way for anyone before. He knows his own aching heart is not Chan’s fault, but rather his own, for not being honest with the younger and with himself. He knows that the right thing to do - the healthy thing to do - would be to let go, to stop Whatever This Is from continuing, and to quit gambling with his own heart for a relationship that might or might not blossom. What kind of relationship could grow, let alone even survive, when it is built on guilt and lies? Because yes, Seokmin lied to Chan’s face. He promised him a platonic arrangement knowing full well that he held growing feelings for Chan deep inside. While he hadn’t expected Chan to ever find out - at least not this way - he supposes he deserves it. All truths have to surface eventually, at least that’s what his mother always taught him. _“Be honest always, son, because even if you lie, the truth will always come out into the light.”_

Seokmin had lied, and lies have consequences. He knows this, but he’s also only human. In what world could he have found himself telling Chan the truth, knowing full well that doing so would mean Chan would put a stop to their arrangement, distance himself from him, and never see him the same ever again? How could he have been honest when doing so would have cost him the moments in which he could play pretend, imagine himself as something more than just a casual hookup to Chan? What human in the history of the earth would be able to give up such a blessing, such a privilege, to be with the person they love even if just for a second? Seokmin doesn’t justify the lie, nor does he excuse it. Hell, Chan shouldn’t either. But to at least put a reason behind his actions and understand why he lied to Chan is to lessen the severity of the sin. Seokmin can sleep better at night and hate himself a little less if he understands.

Seokmin’s head throbs as though a hammer were being taken to the inside of his skull over and over. He finds himself more torn than he could ever imagine, because for his own peace of mind and healing, he shouldn’t agree to Chan’s proposition of trying to date. Still, wouldn’t _something_ be better than nothing? Is this kind of high risk worth taking, if the reward is just as high? Or is it absolute madness to even entertain the thought, knowing what lies at stake of a failed relationship within the group? They’re family first in an idol group whose chemistry just recovered from a devastating blow. What risk is worth the closeness of his precious family? What relationship is worth putting in jeopardy years of hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifices, especially when there’s too many scenarios in which it ends in catastrophe? 

But then again, how many more sacrifices does Seokmin have to make for others until it all feels the same? How many times does Seokmin have to lay down and let himself be steamrolled over for the sake of his members? How many more times does he have to bottle his feelings and toss them to sea to be that constant source of unfailing happiness and energy, optimism and positivity for the others to draw on for their own well-being? When do the sacrifices, the giving and giving and giving end up ever being enough?

When does Seokmin ever get to do something for himself, decide something for himself, just for the sake of growing as a person? When does he get to live and learn, trial by fire?

He leans his head against the glass window of the van, watching the city lights zoom past him, and Seokmin decides that he can’t do this alone. He is self-aware enough to understand that he has not the strength nor the willpower to take a step back, look at the greater picture, and answer all these conflicting questions in the most honest way he can. He needs someone to talk things through with, to help him see things clearly, and if necessary, give him the answer he’s too afraid to conjure up himself.

There’s a few people he can think of who would give the truth to him straight - Hansol, Wonwoo, Jihoon, and Soonyoung. Considering it deeply, he doesn’t want to burden Hansol when he has his own relationship with Seungkwan to worry about. He could go to Wonwoo, but his frankness and straightforward way of speaking dissuades him from the idea immediately. He could use a little more coddling tonight, he thinks. The thought of talking through his feelings with Jihoon is terrifying with everything that’s happened, even after knowing the truth about Jihoon. Plus, he’s not exactly the empathetic type, if Seokmin has to be honest.

Seokmin realizes then...he needs his best friend.

Soonyoung and he have been like bread and butter all these years. Soonyoung has always been someone Seokmin could count on for anything, and despite the sort of strange tension he’s felt radiating off of the dancer these days, the thought of opening up to him about all these feelings he can’t seem to control anymore feels worlds more reassuring than if he were to talk to Wonwoo, and much less terrifying than if he were to talk to Jihoon.

_Yes, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll talk to Soonyoung! Soonyoung will know what to do._

Thinking better of it, maybe trusting him with this will bring the two closer together again. He’s aware enough to know that the two’s relationship hasn’t been the same in a long time. Seokmin blames himself for it like he does most things; after all, he wasn’t there for Soonyoung when he needed him most. He wasn’t there to support him when he was suffering over Jihoon or his injury. He hardly even checked in, the more he thinks about it. Seokmin had focused all his energy and time on taking care of Chan these past few months, completely forgetting about his best friend. The thought sends a flood of guilt coursing through his veins, and if he felt terrible already, now he feels a new level of low. 

His eyes find Soonyoung and Chan sitting a row ahead of him in the minivan, Chan’s head resting on the unit leader’s shoulder. Seokmin feels a strange, nostalgic pull, remembering when it was him in Chan’s place. The two best friends haven’t been so close in what feels like ages. When did Chan replace both of them? How could they have grown so distant, so much so that what used to be a warm sense of positivity and comfort has now become tension so thick he could cut it with a knife? Does Soonyoung hate him that much? Does Seokmin deserve it?

Before he knows it, Seokmin is spiraling, and as though he were telepathic, Joshua suddenly turns to him, a small frown on his face and a worried glint in his big, round eyes. “Seok, are you okay?” he asks softly, turning to him and putting a warm hand on his thigh. 

A force of habit instantly makes Seokmin’s lips turn upward into a grin, reassurances at the tip of his tongue. “Yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t I be?” he asks, pushing himself to be as convincing as possible.

Still, Joshua doesn’t seem convinced, frown growing deeper. “You don’t have to pretend, you know. It’s not good for you. That was a pretty bad crack on stage...I know how you get-”

“I promise I’m okay, hyung. Really! Don’t worry. I’m sorry for the mess up. It won’t happen again.” Seokmin takes his hand and squeezes it for good measure. Joshua sighs, shoulders slumping a little in defeat.

“When are you going to let us into that head of yours, Seok?” he asks softly.

Seokmin swallows. “I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“You just...you do this every time. You tell everyone you’re okay and hide behind that bright smile of yours when you’re clearly struggling. We don’t need you to be happiness and positivity for us all the time, you know that right?” Joshua’s eyes sparkle with something unfamiliar and just the slightest bit heartbreaking. Seokmin wishes he could be honest, break this old habit of his and quit pretending he’s okay. For a moment, he almost does, the knot at the back of his throat growing. 

“I’m okay...really. I’d tell you if I wasn’t,” Seokmin repeats, smile never faltering. 

Joshua stares at him for a moment, chewing on the corner of his bottom lip. They’re silent. Seokmin worries that the longer Joshua stares, he’ll lose his grip on the mask and slip up, let the elder know just how deep the hole of insecurity he’s dug himself into actually is. From beside Joshua, Seungkwan leans forward to look at Seokmin. “You doing okay, hyung?” he asks, and Seokmin swears if one more person asks him the question he’s grown to fear more than messing up on stage or losing Chan forever, he might actually scream.

“I am, I promise,” Seokmin repeats. Seungkwan is quick to nod and return his attention to Hansol. Only then does Joshua finally nod to himself and look away, focusing his own attention back on his phone. He’s texting Jihoon; Seokmin doesn’t even need to get a glimpse of the message he’s writing to know that Joshua is reporting on Seokmin’s condition.

Seokmin only returns his gaze to the passing cars and buildings zooming past them, wondering when he became so adept at lying to the people he loves most.

~*~*~

_“You’ve been practicing that thing for months, and you still haven’t played me a song!”_

_Seokmin looks up from the chords he’s been trying to memorize, fingers loosening on the strings along the guitar neck, and meets Chan’s playful gaze. He looks glorious with the early morning sun reflecting off of his warm skin, making him glow a soft, golden hue. His dark locks are damp, falling perfectly over his forehead and framing his pretty eyes beautifully. Chan is a sight to behold, at least for Seokmin. His breath escapes him as Chan walks further into the practice studio, sitting cross-legged on the wooden floor in front of him._

_With this proximity, Seokmin can see that Chan is wearing one of his oversized pink hoodies, the sleeves pulled over his hands like paws, and a pair of black shorts. He looks softer now than he did in the morning, bare, toned body smooth and warm under his hands, the younger wrapped around him like a lifeline. “I want to get the chords right before I do. I have a reputation to uphold, you know.”_

_“As Shua-hyung’s apprentice? I can only imaaaagine the pressure there,” Chan kids, smile rivaling the sunlight streaming through the windows in radiance. “I bet you’re already amazing. Come on, play me something? Please?”_

_And Seokmin is only so strong, with Chan chipping at his will more and more every passing day. “Okay, just a tiny piece. I’m still working on my confidence.” His fingers move to position themselves over the appropriate chords as he struggles to remember the proper starting position. Suddenly, Chan leans in, raising his chin and pressing an intoxicatingly soft kiss on his lips. Seokmin’s eyes instantly drift shut, the connection point sending ripples of white hot electricity running through his body, lighting him up from the inside out. His chest flutters the way it does at the peak of a rollercoaster, the anticipation and excitement for what’s yet to come making the hairs on his skin stand on end._

_Chan pulls away after a moment, gentle smile turning up the corners of his lips. He looks so small and innocent this way, cupping Seokmin’s cheek the way he is and running the pad of his thumb back and forth. “Is this enough to get that confidence up?” he says softly, breath smelling sweet like vanilla. Seokmin lets out a shaky breath and nods, pressing a kiss to the palm of Chan’s hand._

_“You have no idea,” he replies, grinning at the maknae, feeling like a lightweight floating up into space. His fingers find the chords with a renewed sense of purpose, and a second later, he’s playing the chords to one of his favorite Pink Sweat$ songs softly._

_“She said, ‘Baby I’m afraid to fall in love ‘cause what if it’s not reciprocated?’” Seokmin sings, Chan watching him with a glint of awe and something much more profound. The elder continues to play up until the chorus, which he hasn’t learned yet, singing sweetly to the younger._

_The moment his fingers stop moving on the guitar, Chan launches himself onto Seokmin, arms tightening around him and face burying itself in his shoulder. Seokmin shifts awkwardly, the position being strange for the two with a guitar sandwiched between them, but he still hugs Chan tightly. He feels enveloped in an intoxicatingly warm bubble of young love and innocence. Chan clings to him for a moment longer before pulling away, face just inches away from Seokmin’s._

_“Hyung...I love you,” he whispers, moving in for another kiss. Seokmin is quick to indulge him, heart aflame with the three little words he’s craved to hear from Chan for so long. He manages to slip the guitar from between them and on the floor, pulling Chan closer. The younger is quick to settle onto Seokmin’s lap, never breaking their kiss, until both are left breathless._

_“I love you so much,” Chan repeats, forehead pressed against his. “You believe me right?”_

_“Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I, Channie? I love you too. More than you could ever imagine.”_

_“You don’t think I’m making this up, hyung?”_

_Seokmin furrows his brows in confusion. “Channie, where’s this coming from?”_

_“I swear I love you. I do. What do I have to do to make you believe me?”_

_The elder swallows thickly, sensing something suddenly off. “Chan…I believe you.”_

_The younger suddenly frowns, pulling off of Seokmin. “You’re lying.”_

_Seokmin stares at Chan in shock, at a loss for what to say. “Why would you say that? Why would I lie to you?”_

_“You don’t think I love you. Just say it - say you don’t believe me!” Chan cries, bottom lip wobbling. “Just say you want me to leave you alone!”_

_“I don’t! Chan, I swear! The last thing I want is for you to leave me alone! Just come here.”_

_Chan seems unconvinced, hovering over Seokmin. “You really don’t want me to leave?” he asks, voice dropping to a whisper._

_Seokmin shakes his head, chest tightening with the mere thought of Chan walking away and leaving him behind. How could he, when Chan is all he breathes for? “God, no. I could never. Please, just come here.”_

_Chan finally does, crawling back into Seokmin’s lap and gripping onto his hoodie tightly. “You’ll be with me? No matter what? You’ll never tell me to leave?”_

_“I won’t. I promise. I’m for you. I always have been.”_

_“You’ll be for me even if it hurts? Even if I hurt you?”_

_Seokmin pauses. Even then?_

_Chan senses the hesitation and pulls away again, face contorting with the sudden urge to cry. His small, lithe body trembles uncontrollably, catching Seokmin once again completely off guard. “I knew it! You don’t want me! You hate me!”_

_The elder’s eyes widen in shock. “Chan, no! How could I ever? Stop - stop saying that!”_

_“Why did you hesitate? Why aren’t I enough for you? I’m a burden, aren’t I?”_

_“God, Channie, no you’re not!”_

_“Then tell me you’ll be with me! Tell me you won’t leave me even if it hurts!” Chan cries, grip on his body tightening to a painful degree. Seokmin winces then, suppressing the urge to hiss at the feeling of Chan’s nails digging crescent-shaped marks into his forearms. It hurts._

_“I won’t! I won’t! I promise you Channie, I’m all for you!” Seokmin repeats, trying and failing to get the troubled dancer to loosen his grip on him. It’s almost ironic how the more Seokmin tries, the stronger Chan’s grip becomes. The pain is enough to cause tears to spring into his eyes._

_“Even if it hurts?” Chan reiterates, tears streaming down his pretty, sun-kissed face._

_Seokmin swallows past the growing knot in his throat and nods, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Even if it hurts. I won’t go.”_

_Like a switch, Chan suddenly breaks into a grin, expression contrasting heavily with the tear tracks on his cheeks and his painfully unrelenting grip on Seokmin’s arms. “Good...because this is going to hurt, hyung.”_

_Seokmin gasps at the feeling of something sharp stab him in the back._

~*~*~

Seokmin startles awake, gasping loudly. His wide eyes instantly find Joshua’s, whose hand is soft against his shoulder. “Hey, we’re here,” the elder says softly, eyes soft and warm. Seokmin takes a moment to gather his bearings, remembering how to form words.

“W-We’re here? When did I fall asleep?”

“Like ten minutes ago? You didn’t miss much. Are you hungry? A group of us are going out for sushi, if you’re up for it!” Joshua offers, smiling warmly at him. Seokmin blinks a few times, trying to convince himself that the images stuck in his head were just a dream - nothing more. 

He nods slowly, mustering up a smile. “Sure, sounds good, hyung,” Seokmin replies, shaking off his drowsiness and with it, the dream he’d just woken from. Joshua scrunches his nose cutely then, beckoning Seokmin off the minivan to join the rest of the members on the street. Doing a quick headcount, he finds that Wonwoo, Jihoon, Junhui, Hansol, and Seungkwan are missing.

“Wonwoo asked us to bring him back fried chicken,” Joshua explains. “Junnie and Jihoonie were both too tired, and Hansol and Seungkwan are going to an arcade nearby - couple things.”

The thought makes Seokmin smile, happy that the two have found a rhythm together that works for them. “That’s great! Is the sushi place far?”

“No, it’s pretty close by - wait, I think it is...Hannie!” Joshua calls, looking to confirm the location. Seokmin doesn’t miss the tender sparkle in Jeonghan’s eyes when he turns toward Joshua. He wishes that someday, somehow, the pair would find themselves back together again. _A couple like them deserve a happy ending_ , he thinks to himself.

His eyes zip across their little group, immediately finding Chan laughing at something on his phone with Mingyu. The maknae happens to look up then, finding Seokmin’s gaze and smiling softly. Seokmin finds himself returning Chan’s gentle smile, heart already beating a lot faster than he’d care to admit to anyone. Chan’s effect on him is so physically palpable that he almost feels a wave of shame - but then he remembers the way his lips moved so fervently with his own in that dressing room backstage, and the shame diminishes to a dull, aching hum. He is reminded of the crossroads at which he stands and the conversation he’s planned to have with Soonyoung, and his palms immediately begin to sweat. 

Joshua confirms the address of the place, and their little group, accompanied by their manager, Hyosung, and a couple other staff members filming content for “Inside Seventeen,” starts walking toward the place. Seokmin finds himself hanging back a bit, keeping in step with Soonyoung. He has to admit that the dancer has become quite adept at walking on his crutch, keeping almost the same speed as the rest of them. Soonyoung’s upturned eyes look up at him, and his cheeks instantly grow round with a hamster-like smile.

“Ah, Seokminnie! Thanks for not leaving me behind - geez, some people!” he calls after the others. Chan, Minghao, and Seungcheol all turn back to him and either giggle, discreetly flip him off, or stick their tongue out at him, respectively.

The comment makes Seokmin laugh, a feeling he realizes he missed a lot tonight. “How’s your foot?” Seokmin asks, trying to find conversation to fill what would otherwise be awkward silence.

“Okay, I think. Hurts every now and then, but it’s a lot better than that first night of the tour. You doing okay? You seemed really upset earlier,” Soonyoung replies, eyes softening at the memory of Seokmin backstage in tears.

Seokmin takes in a deep breath. “Actually...I wanted to talk to you about that. Get your opinion on some things. I mean...if you’re okay with that, of course.”

Soonyoung frowns. “Of course...why wouldn’t I be okay with that?”

The younger doesn’t answer right away, feeling the little monster called guilt clawing at his ribcage and seizing his voice. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, struggling to find the right words. Soonyoung is patient, simply walking beside him and waiting for him to speak. “It’s just that...I know I wasn’t there for you. Back then...when you needed someone. I wasn’t there for you, and I’m really sorry. I don’t blame you for growing distant and not wanting to be around me since then. I only blame myself.”

Soonyoung falls silent, seeming surprised at the sudden depth of the conversation. He looks down at his feet, seeming to process Seokmin’s words. The younger feels his nerves swirl in his stomach at Soonyoung’s silence, worry gnawing at his insides. “Sorry if that was out of the blue! I’ve just noticed that we’ve grown apart some, and I really miss you hyung. I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault-”

“No, it’s okay. I just wasn’t expecting that. Don’t blame yourself. I should’ve been there for you as your hyung first. I don’t want you feeling responsible for that. The distance...it’s my fault really. I should be the one who’s sorry for being cold towards you.” Soonyoung looks up from his feet at Seokmin then, and the younger can see a genuine glint of remorse reflected in his eyes mixed with something else - something he can’t quite place. It’s unnerving.

Nevertheless, Seokmin finds some comfort in his words. “You don’t blame me? Honestly?”

Soonyoung shakes his head, lips curling upward into a small smile. “I don’t. I promise. We’re okay, Seok. You believe me, right?”

Seokmin feels a cold shiver run down his spine at the words, instantly reminded of his short but rather unnerving dream in the minivan. “R-Right...of course I do. Thanks hyung, it means a lot.”

Soonyoung scrunches his nose and ruffles Seokmin’s hair playfully. “Don’t thank me! I’m just glad we’re okay! I actually really missed you, you know.”

“Me too, you have no idea. I mean we’re best friends...it was weird to not be all annoyingly in each other’s space all the time,” Seokmin replies honestly, giggling at the thought.

To his relief, Soonyoung laughs out loud, nodding in agreement. “We’ll have to fix that then. Prepare to have me launching myself on top of you on the couches back at home! You’ll probably wish we were still distant once you remember how annoying I actually am!”

“Never! I think I’ll actually welcome your annoying ass.”

“Hey! Respect your elders, you punk!” Soonyoung protests in his signature old grandma voice, raising his brows and squinting his eyes.

Seokmin holds back a laugh and slips into his own old grandpa impression. “I’ll respect you when you deserve it, loser!” he counters. The exchange catches the rest of the group’s attention, making them laugh hysterically on the street. Seokmin and Soonyoung end up breaking character once the other’s break out into laughter, joining them rather obnoxiously. Seokmin definitely sees a few people shoot dirty looks at them on the street for being so noisy, yet somehow this makes him want to laugh even more. He exchanges a look with Soonyoung, who instantly bursts into more laughter.

For a moment, things feel okay. They feel great, actually. Seokmin is able to forget his inner conflicts and remember to laugh again alongside his best friend. _At least something is right in the world right now_ , he thinks to himself as Soonyoung playfully leans closely into him.

The group eventually reaches the chosen destination - a small sushi restaurant several blocks away from their hotel. It looks like a hole-in-the-wall kind of place on the outside, but inside is a completely different vibe. There’s decently loud music playing in the speakers, some people out late singing into karaoke mics at the corner of the restaurant. The place is rather dim, save for the colorful strobe lights emitting from the karaoke corner and blue, pink, and orange hanging lamps hovering over their tables. Seokmin finds himself sitting between Mingyu and Soonyoung and across from one of the staff members. It doesn’t get lost on him that Chan seems to be giving him some space, purposely choosing the seat on the opposite corner of the table next to Joshua. He appreciates the maknae’s mindfulness for him greatly, but still a deeper part of him craves his closeness and misses his constant proximity.

Still, this is perfect. The others will eventually seize the karaoke corner after drinking a sufficient amount to loosen up, and then Seokmin will talk to Soonyoung about his conflict. He definitely takes a few shots of sake for liquid courage and eats a lot more sushi than he should. Listening to the others laugh and joke the way they always used to does wonders for his nerves. He feels comforted for the first time tonight; if the group is okay, then he’ll be okay. He has to be.

In no time, a few of the members start to drift toward the karaoke corner, just as he predicted. Jeonghan, Chan, and Seungcheol are the first to go, singing loudly and more than slightly off key to the songs. Chan and Jeonghan become an unstoppable duo singing Japanese songs. Seokmin giggles as he watches the pair erupt into screams and cheers when they get a perfect score, Mingyu and Seungcheol yelling just as loudly from their spots on the couches. A few other patrons applaud Chan and Jeonghan excitedly, amused by the pair of foreigners doing so well on a Japanese classic. Joshua himself is grinning ear to ear from his spot at the table, and Minghao watches on with wide eyes and an amused smirk on his face as he sips from a glass of wine. 

“I’m surprised you haven’t joined them over there already, show-off,” Soonyoung jokes, nudging Seokmin’s side. “It’s not like you to hold back from any opportunity to sing your guts out.”

Seokmin sighs then, internally hyping himself up for the conversation; he supposes it’s now or never. “Guess I’m not in much of a singing mood with what happened on stage today,” he confesses. 

Soonyoung’s expression softens quickly, a reassuring smile turning his eyes into little crescent moons. “Hey, you did amazingly. You don’t have to beat yourself up over an honest mistake. It happens to the best of us! Nobody’s perfect. You know that, right?”

“I know, it’s just...there’s a reason why it happened. I let my personal feelings mess with my performance, and as a professional I just can’t let it go.”

The unit leader’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “What’s the reason? Is this about what you told me you wanted to ask me about outside?” Seokmin nods then, eyes flicking to where Hyosung and a staff member seem a bit too occupied flirting to listen in on their conversation. Still, Seokmin hesitates, fearful of someone else overhearing.

“Do you want to go outside?” Soonyoung offers. “I’ll tell Hyosung-hyungnim I just need some fresh air.”

“You are starting to look pretty flushed, hyung,” Seokmin jokes. “But actually yeah, I think I’d feel more comfortable talking outside.”

Soonyoung smirks at Seokmin’s jab and takes another shot for good measure. He then stands up from his spot and circles around to Hyosung, saying something in his ear. Seokmin takes the manager’s nod as a cue to stand up and walk with Soonyoung outside.

There’s a public bench just outside the restaurant that Soonyoung leads him to, sitting gently and turning toward him. Seokmin sits down beside him, wringing the hem of his scarf as the reality of what he’s about to confess to Soonyoung settles into his bones. His best friend seems to instantly pick up on his anxiety, and Soonyoung takes hold of Seokmin’s sweaty hands and squeezes them.

“Hey, whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise I won’t judge. Brothers, remember?”

Seokmin takes a deep breath and nods, looking into Soonyoung’s friendly, upturned eyes. Brothers. “Thanks hyung. I’m just a bit nervous. I haven’t talked to anyone about this before.”

“Well, I’m glad you came to me! Now what’s going on in that talented little head of yours?” Soonyoung asks, swinging their hands a little in between them.

_Here goes nothing._

“I guess I should start by saying that there’s something you don’t know about Chan and I,” Seokmin starts, voice already trembling. Looking at Soonyoung carefully, he swears he sees the elder’s lips twitch slightly and breathing falter for a split second. 

“Oh...I see...like what?” Soonyoung hesitantly asks. Still, there’s no judgment to be found in his voice, just as promised. Seokmin swallows thickly and wills himself to continue.

“Chan and I...we’ve been hooking up for a few months now. It was meant to be a platonic sort of thing with no strings attached, but, um, I kind of fucked up in that department.”

Soonyoung remains silent for a moment, nodding slowly as he processes Seokmin’s words. The younger gets the impression that Soonyoung is schooling his reactions, since under any other circumstance he would be loud and expressive. The observation makes Seokmin’s stomach sink, feeling as though a pile of rocks had just been dropped in there. “I see...and by fucking up, I imagine you mean you grew feelings for him?” he asks tentatively, seeming cautious and measuring his words precisely.

Seokmin nods, mouth suddenly feeling drier than sandpaper. “Yeah, I kinda just...fell for him. Truthfully, I already felt something for him before we started hooking up. The feelings just kept growing and growing over time, and now...I love him.”

Soonyoung’s eyes widen. “Wait...so you kept that from him?” he asks, and Seokmin swears he feels a subtle accusatory tone poking him. “You hooked up with Chan without telling him you already had these feelings? Am I understanding correctly?”

Seokmin’s lips tremble. If he thought he was full of guilt and shame before, he definitely feels it now with Soonyoung reiterating his big lie. His hands tremble in his lap as he nods hesitantly.

“I know it was wrong...I just couldn’t help myself.”

Soonyoung doesn’t reply, eyes zipping back and forth as he absorbs the information. “Okay. Okay...well it doesn’t matter, Seok. I said I wouldn’t judge you, and I’m not going to. What else is going on?” he asks, eyes trained on him once again. Seokmin looks up then, meeting Soonyoung’s gaze, and something about the look he finds in them tugs on his heartstrings painfully, like there’s something he’s missing. He just can’t put his finger on it.

“Well the thing is, he found out I lied to him a few weeks ago while we were in Fukuoka. He’d been distant since then, avoiding me all the time. I completely understand why, but it hurt like hell. I just felt it ten times harder while performing tonight, and so I messed up on stage. He came after me when I got off stage - that’s why we disappeared for so long. We finally talked things over back there, and he suggested something to me.”

Soonyoung seems invested, leaning forward and hanging onto Seokmin’s every word. “What did Chan say? Was he angry?”

Seokmin runs a trembling hand through his hair and shakes his head. “Not exactly. I thought he’d be, but he made me an offer instead. He asked if...if we could give things a try to see if he could grow deeper feelings for me. At first, I outright refused because hell, it sounds an awful lot like pity dating to me. But he just wouldn’t let it go - I mean, you know how persistent he can be. But then...he kissed me. Fuck, hyung, Chan kissed me like he’d never kissed me before, and it felt like everything inside of me was on fire. He swore to me then that he felt something in the kiss. He begged me to reconsider...and I really don’t know what to do, hyung. I feel…”

“Lost?” Soonyoung supplies, voice quiet. 

Seokmin looks up then from his hands, vision blurry once again. “So lost. Hyung, what do I do?” he cries, leaning into Soonyoung’s body. The elder is quick to hug him tightly, arms strong and never failing. He knew he was right to come to Soonyoung; his best friend would never fail him. 

“I’m so scared of getting my hopes up and saying yes to him, but I love him so much it’s killing me. Just those weeks alone that he spent avoiding me hurt so badly, and nothing made it better. I don’t trust myself to do the right thing for myself or him. I feel like no matter what I choose, I’ll always end up losing.” Soonyoung’s hand rubs his back gently as he lets it all out, clinging to his best friend for support. The elder hums in acknowledgment, rocking the two of them softly. “I can’t lose him, hyung, but I don’t want to get hurt anymore, either. I mean, things between us could end up being beautiful, right? He could grow to love me that way...or he might not, and that’ll destroy me. I don’t want my stupid actions and decisions to hurt the group either. You’re all my family, and we’ve been through so much already. I just...I need help. Please help me, hyung. I can’t figure it out alone.”

Seokmin feels sorry for soaking Soonyoung’s coat with his tears, but opening up to someone finally feels like a massive, fifty ton weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. It’s a dam that’s broken, finally leading to an outpouring of every bottled up struggle he’s kept well hidden from the others. Soonyoung suddenly feels like home, or like a lifeline meant to save him from drowning out at sea, alone and terrified.

After a long moment of silence only filled by Seokmin’s soft cries, Soonyoung finally speaks up. “Alright...look Seok, do you want me to be honest with you?”

“Please,” he replies softly, finally out of tears to cry. He sits up then, meeting Soonyoung’s gaze. To his surprise and confusion, his best friend’s eyes well up when their gazes meet.

Soonyoung observes him carefully, taking in his somewhat hopeful expression in silence before exhaling sharply. “I really don’t think you should put yourself in that position.”

Seokmin’s heart shrivels in his chest. A part of him knew it, knew Soonyoung would be realistic and tell him exactly what he was too afraid to admit to himself. “Y-You don’t?” he echoes, all traces of hope draining from his voice.

The elder chews on his lip, seeming almost as conflicted as Seokmin feels. It’s strange, the younger thinks to himself. “Channie...he’s young and indecisive. He isn’t sure of what he wants a lot of times. He hates seeing people hurt and probably confused that feeling of his with guilt. I know him, and he probably wasn’t in his right mind when he said what he did.”

Seokmin brows twitch in confusion at Soonyoung’s words. Soonyoung says he knows him, and while Seokmin has no doubt about it, he knows Chan just as well - at least Seokmin thinks so. And somehow, the Chan that Soonyoung is describing doesn’t sound like the Chan he’s come to know. He’s always seen Chan so secure and sure of himself and his goals. Chan has always been of the kind to know what he wants and exactly how he’s going to get it. He’s young, sure, but in all that he’s come to know of Chan especially in these few months, the maknae thinks deeper than a lot of the other members would give him credit for. He’s wise beyond his years, rational during difficult times, and especially good at reading others. 

Soonyoung seems to sense Seokmin’s hesitation and takes his hands into his own, squeezing them gently. “I know it’s really not what you want to hear, Seokminnie, and I’m really sorry to be that person. I get that a part of you wants to see if it’s true that he might grow feelings for you, but I just don’t think it’s worth it. I mean, think about it. You’ll always feel insecure, and you’ll find yourself questioning time and time again if you’re doing enough. And if things between you still don’t work out even after putting in all this effort, you’re going to be left wondering what you could’ve done differently, why you weren’t enough - you’re going to end up hurt. I care too much about you to watch that happen to you...both of you.”

Seokmin knows he’s right. He hates it, but he knows Soonyoung is right. He’s looking at things sensibly, like any of his other members would. No, it’s not the answer he wanted to hear, but it’s the one that makes the most sense. He nods softly, wiping his tears away with his cold hand.

“You’re right...I know you’re right,” Seokmin admits, throat constricting painfully.

Soonyoung seems troubled, eyebrows knitted together and a deep frown set on his face. “You know I mean the best for you, right? You know I’m not telling you this because I don’t want to see you happy?”

“No, I know! I know...thank you, hyung. I really appreciate it. You put some things in perspective for me. I’m sorry I caught you off guard like this and pulled you away from all the fun.”

“No, you’re fine. It’s me - I’m...I’m sorry.”

Seokmin frowns. “What? Why should you feel sorry? You just told me the honest truth.”

Soonyoung looks down, wetting his bottom lip. “I just feel sorry I couldn’t tell you what you wanted to hear. I’m even more sorry you’re hurting this much and...I didn’t see it.”

The younger can only sigh deeply then, willing himself to put himself back together once and for all. He got his answer. That’s all there is to it. “It’s no one’s fault but my own. Don’t be sorry for me, hyung,” Seokmin reassures him, squeezing Soonyoung’s hand.

The elder looks up then, offering Seokmin a weak smile. “You’ll be okay?” he asks.

“Not right now,” Seokmin replies with a weak laugh. “But with time I will be. I have to be.”

Soonyoung seems to relax slightly then, pulling Seokmin back in for a tight hug. “I love you, Seok. You know that, right?”

_Why do people keep asking me that tonight?_

Seokmin only nods, squeezing the elder and willing the ache in his heart to subside. After a moment, he pulls away, standing on his feet and extending a hand to Soonyoung.

“Let’s head back inside?” he asks with a smile. Soonyoung looks at his hand for a moment before taking it and letting Seokmin pull him to his feet. He offers the younger a smile in return, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. More than anything, Seokmin senses a conflict of Soonyoung’s own stirring inside him. He seems distant, as though not quite present, and hesitant, as though his advice had somehow harmed Seokmin even more. “You okay, hyung? I really didn’t mean to worry you-”

“No, I’m okay! As long as you are, so am I,” Soonyoung quickly reassures him, taking his hand and pulling him back into the restaurant. Seokmin notices then that it’s begun to snow around them. How long were they sitting outside?

“I was starting to think you two had left!” Minghao pipes up as the pair return to the table. “We’re getting ready to head out soon, but those two insisted on one more song,” he explains. Seokmin looks up and finds himself laughing at the sight of Jeonghan and Seungcheol belting out some song, the pair definitely much more drunk than had initially been planned.

Hyosung shakes his head and chuckles to himself. “God, Hyerim is going to kill me tomorrow.”

“Hey, what noona doesn’t know won’t hurt her!” Soonyoung replies, waggling his eyebrows.

“You would say that with your lightweight ass!” Joshua jokes, whacking Soonyoung’s arm.

“Hey, rude! Don’t you know it’s bad luck to hit an injured person?”

Soon enough Soonyoung and Joshua are bickering, with Minghao bursting into laughter. His cheeks are as red as the wine he sips the last of. Seokmin watches on with a warm sense of endearment that fades in an instant when a small hand settles on Seokmin’s arm.

“Hyung...everything alright?” Chan asks timidly, eyes wide with worry. “You and Soonie-hyung were out there for a while.”

Seokmin takes a deep breath and nods, smiling fondly at the maknae. “Yeah, Channie...all good. Don’t worry.”

Chan looks like he wants to say more, rocking on his heels for a moment. Just as he’s about to part his lips to speak again, Hyosung’s call to start leaving interrupts him. Seungcheol and Jeonghan have rejoined them, Jeonghan slumping against Seungcheol’s side and giggling nonstop. Seokmin watches how easily Seungcheol’s arm snakes around his waist and pulls him closer - and apparently, so does Joshua.

Seokmin recognizes a familiar flash of hurt in his eyes at the sight, and he wonders if maybe he and Joshua aren’t in such different places after all.

The group heads back toward the hotel, talking animatedly about the snow. Mingyu, Jeonghan, and Soonyoung try to catch snowflakes on their tongue, while Minghao pauses every so often to take pictures of different scenes. Seungcheol and Joshua talk softly, sides brushing against each other every so often as they walk. Seokmin finds himself walking a little further back, watching his group members from the outside and reflecting on things.

Maybe he and Chan would make the least perfect pair in the group; maybe their circumstances are odd and messy, inverted and unconventional. Maybe Seokmin made some bad choices, and maybe Chan is confused. Maybe Soonyoung is right, and by taking the risk, he’d be setting himself up for a load of heartbreak that might just be too big for him to handle.

But something about the sight of snowflakes collecting in Chan’s hair as he walks, the moonlight causing his skin to glow ethereally, and the soft smile he sends Seokmin’s way when their eyes meet for what feels like the umpteenth time tonight, makes Seokmin wonder if any of it matters. _Who said love was supposed to be easy?_

It’s like this: Seokmin has learned by trial and error, crossroads after crossroads, that without some pain, there’s nothing beautiful left to gain. He came to be part of this incredible, amazing family called SEVENTEEN because he chose the difficult route - the pain, the hard work, the instability, and the pressure. The easiest thing - the most convenient thing for himself and for Chan - would be to run away, preserve what’s left of his heart, and rebuild himself alone. 

But Seokmin isn’t known for taking the easy way, nor for being a pragmatist.

Lee Chan isn’t some passing phase in his early twenties that, with time and a little distance, he can let go and move on from. He isn’t this commodity Seokmin is set on having just for the sake of calling it his own. Lee Chan is more than just a casual hookup to him. Hell, Lee Chan might very well be the person who’s made him the happiest he’s ever been, who’s allowed him to feel some of the deepest, rawest, and most authentic emotions he’s ever felt in his life. 

Looking at Chan now in this snowy, moonlit setting, feeling his heart accelerate at the sight of his soft, innocent smile, the hesitance with which he slows his pace slightly, hoping Seokmin will catch up - Seokmin knows one thing and one thing only.

If he doesn’t do this now, he’s going to regret it for the rest of his life - pain or no pain.

But Seokmin doesn’t catch up to him - not yet. He wants to give himself time to sleep on things, knowing that both his conscious and subconscious have a bit to work out on their own before he makes any definitive choice. The crossroads is long, the roads down each path masked by thick fog impossible to see through. He doesn’t know what will become of him or Chan no matter which path he takes, but deep down, he still feels he owes it to himself to try.

_Even if it hurts, I won’t go._

“You really do think too much, Seokmin-ah,” Minghao says from beside him suddenly. 

Seokmin smiles softly to himself, finding Minghao’s big, intense eyes watching him curiously. Somehow, Minghao is always much more observant than he lets on. “You’re not wrong.”

“Whatever it is, I say stop hesitating and go for it.”

The elder falters. “What makes you say that?” Seokmin asks, face burning hot at his words.

“I don’t know. Just a feeling. Look, I’m not too sure about what’s going on between you and Chan, but whatever’s holding you back? Just say fuck it and run.”

“W-What? Why would you-”

Minghao smirks and turns the screen of his professional camera toward Seokmin. On it is a photo Minghao must have taken just now of himself and Chan. The maknae looks back at him almost longingly, surrounded by snow and twinkling city lights. Seokmin regards him with stars in his eyes, face alight with an adoring smile. The photo is in every way perfect, and Seokmin becomes visibly embarrassed at how quickly his eyes well up at the sight.

“C-Can you send me that?” Seokmin asks timidly, already imagining the photo in a frame.

Minghao bumps his side playfully, looking down at his work proudly. “I can when we get back, but why have a photo when you can make it happen for real?”

The elder sighs deeply. “It’s not that simple.”

“Is anything ever simple? Fuck, if life were simple, we’d have a Grammy, Jeonghan and Joshua would still be together, Jun and I would have taken you guys to China by now, and Jihoon wouldn’t have felt he had to pick between Soonyoung and music. My point is, just because life isn’t simple doesn’t mean you have to hold back from what makes you happy. And if Channie-” Minghao waves the camera in front of Seokmin again - “makes you happy enough to smile like this, then there’s really nothing left to think twice about.”

Seokmin chews on his lip, feeling at odds with himself again. “You really think it’s worth it then.”

“The best things in life always are,” Minghao replies, smiling softly. “It’s all in the risks you take.”

Seokmin nods softly to himself, playing with Minghao’s words in his head. “I mean I guess you’re right...Soonyoung-hyung doesn’t think so, though. He thinks the risk isn’t worth the hurt.”

“Soonie’s also had really bad luck in the love department. Of course he’s going to tell you that. He probably has this idea that love always ends in heartbreak. I mean, after what he went through with Jihoon _and_ having the hyungs as an example, it makes sense he feels that way. But his story doesn’t have to be yours, you know,” Minghao explains honestly, eyes drifting to the group ahead. He takes a long sigh, expression shifting into a more contemplative state. “I think people see us and think that just because we _did it_ \- we reached the unattainable dream, debuted, and made names for ourselves - the world is at our fingertips. But being successful idols doesn’t automatically put us in the best position to chase after everything we want. There’s already so few things in our lives we _can_ control, so if there’s something just within our grasps, so close we can reach it, I think we owe it to ourselves as human beings to go for it. No bullshit excuses, no second guessing, and no what ifs.”

“But what if chasing after that thing comes with the risk of ruining friendships?”

Minghao thinks for a moment before responding. “I mean isn’t that a risk with any growing relationship? If we let potential risks get in the way of taking chances with the people we love, wouldn’t we be quite miserable? Life would be pretty monotonous, I think. We don’t necessarily have to have all the answers before we go charging into things. Sometimes you learn along the way by stumbling and falling, but that’s okay. That’s life. I think Channie understands all of this really well, and maybe it’s time you do too, Seokminnie. Enough with the sacrifices for everyone else and act selfishly for once! You’re allowed to be happy, you know.”

Seokmin ponders Minghao’s words and weighs them against Soonyoung’s. Thinking deeply about it, Minghao’s description of Chan sounds a lot more like the maknae than Soonyoung’s. Chan’s free spirit and thirst for adventure would lead him to take risks others normally wouldn’t. He knows Chan cares deeply about him, so would he really offer Seokmin something he knew from the start he couldn’t give him? Seokmin finds it unlikely, but he isn’t sure if it’s his own desire to justify starting something with Chan or his deep understanding of the maknae that makes him think so.

Still, Minghao’s words are a breath of cool, fresh air in a stifling hot oven. He almost feels like he can see clearer, head throbbing a lot less than it had been a while ago. “You know, you’re really something, Myungho. I think I really needed to hear all this. I don’t know how you do it, but thank you.”

Minghao doesn’t reply with words, but the wink he shoots at Seokmin speaks volumes. He resumes taking photos, this time not leaving Seokmin’s side. He’s grateful - Minghao scares him sometimes with his almost creepy sixth sense and unfailing intuition, but right now, his words do in a second what an entire night’s worth of overthinking failed at:

He feels at ease.

True to his word, Minghao sends the digital photo of Seokmin and Chan from his camera, a small _ding_ alerting Seokmin of its arrival. He opens it and contemplates it further, chest warming and heart throbbing with a new kind of happiness - the hopeful, optimistic kind that settles into your gut and glows like a little ball of light from the inside out. He contemplates sending it to Chan, but a part of him wants to keep the little treasure as a secret of his own. So he clicks the phone screen off, setting the phone beside him and smiling softly to himself.

A pair of arms wrap around him from behind, Joshua’s chin settling on his shoulder. “You’re glowing, Seok. Something happen?” the elder asks curiously.

Seokmin smiles and leans back into Joshua’s embrace. “No...just kind of looking at life a little differently. Can I ask you something random?” Joshua hums into his neck, his hair tickling Seokmin’s skin pleasantly as he nods.

“If you could go back in time and change everything that happened between you and Hannie-hyung, now that you know the outcome...would you?”

The elder doesn’t answer right away, taking his time to think. “Honestly, Seok? I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Why not? You could hypothetically save yourself and him a lot of pain.”

Joshua lets out a soft sigh. “You’re right...but I’d cheat myself out of even more happiness. Sometimes those fleeting moments that mean everything to you outweigh the negative outcome.” Seokmin hums, taking note of Joshua’s words in the little book inside of his heart for future reference. “Why the sudden question?”

“Just something I’ve been curious about. So, knowing what you know now, would you do it all again?”

Joshua pulls back then, and Seokmin turns his head to look up at his hyung. The elder smiles softly, running his fingers gently through Seokmin’s hair. “Yeah...I would.”

Seokmin finds the corners of his lips turning upward, feeling as though his soul were ascending to somewhere high and far away past the clouds, somewhere in outer space. A sudden thought occurs to him. “Hyung, you like...talk to God right? Like have conversations with Him?”

Joshua giggles endearingly, nodding in agreement. “Something like that...why, what’s up?”

Seokmin blushes, letting out a soft chuckle. “Can you like...talk to Him about me? Just ask Him if He could help a guy figure some stuff out? I could use all the help I can get.”

The elder lets out another small giggle, eyes curling upward in a uniquely _Joshua_ way. “Of course, I’ll talk to Him tonight, Seok. You know, technically you can tell Him too, right?”

“Yeah, but I’m shy! Plus, He’ll listen to you more. You’re way cooler,” Seokmin replies cheekily.

Joshua laughs, pulling Seokmin into a tight hug. “Debatable! But whatever you need, Seok.”

Seokmin closes his eyes, mind drifting to Chan. _Even if it hurts._


	26. [soonyoung] the truth is, i like you so much...would you hate me for it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Soonyoung drinks more than he should and says more than he'd like.
> 
> title from "True Lies" - Baek Ah Yeon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i'm late with this, but i rewrote this chapter more times than i thought i ever would. i thought a soonyoung pov was super needed after last chapter but just like soonyoung, i found myself grappling a lot with how he should respond to the entire seokchan situation. so this is what's going on in his head! he's dealing with a lot of emotional baggage that hasn't been made very clear in past chapters so i hope this is kind of an eye-opening experience. soonie really does have good intentions, but he's also human! same with chan, so pls don't be too hard on them! still lots of good stuff to come so stay tuned!

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

Soonyoung sits on the bathroom floor, back against the door and head in his hands, and reminds himself of how to breathe. A deep inhale, a reminder that all things are fleeting, and a deep exhale. His petite, pale hands tremble with the knowledge that once again, he has been rendered completely powerless. His hands are tied, and his bruised heart is beginning to come apart at the seams once again.

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

Soonyoung pulls his knees up to his chest, growing tighter by the minute, and hugs them close to his thin, shaking frame. This pitiful position is one he swore he’d never find himself in again for love, and still, here he sits curled into himself for love once more. He blinks more times than he should, frozen in time, puffing his cheeks in and out, _inhale, exhale. Breathe, Soonyoung. All you have left to do is just breathe._ He won’t allow the soft cries threatening to break past his rosy, chapped lips out, won’t alert the maknae roaming around on the other side of the door of his state. No, being the loser again is humiliating enough. 

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

Soonyoung is lost and overwhelmed, standing in the middle of a figurative four-way intersection with no clear idea as to which direction he should head. To his left is the best friend he knows can’t be but should be - encouraging and supportive, cheering Seokmin on as he chases after happiness in Chan. To his right is the lover he knows he can be but shouldn’t be - passionate and fearless, running after Chan, putting the entire world at his feet, and giving Chan everything of himself: the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. In front of him is the brother he knows he can and should be - nurturing and selfless, putting his dongsaengs’ needs and wants before his own and doing everything in his power to ensure that they’re happy. Still, behind him, and most terrifyingly of all, is the starving man he can’t and shouldn’t be - selfish, thoughtless, and craving love so desperately that the hunger consumes him. The starving man is willing to betray Seokmin’s trust, break every unspoken rule between brothers, and take advantage of Chan’s love for him to keep the younger for himself, leaving his best friend behind, broken in the dust.

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

Except he can barely even do that - not when he’s biting down on his finger to keep from crying out loud, from kicking and yelling and screaming and destroying everything in his path because life has slapped him across the face once again, bruised his soul and crushed his spirits under the reality of his best friend also falling for the same person he has. He imagines himself trashing the hotel room, punching holes in the walls, and shattering just about everything in sight because he can’t actually do any of these things. There’s nothing in fact left for him to do but to breathe in and out, swallow it all down, lock it all in a small little box, tuck it away in the dark recesses of his mind, and paint the smiling image of a happy Soonyoung over his face.

Because yes, Soonyoung is once again powerless in his misery, and while misery certainly loves company, the thought of dragging any one of his members down with him only reminds him of the starving man standing behind him - the version of Soonyoung desperate to just leap and take for his own without regard or remorse. That man scares him to the bone, makes his spine shiver with chills and his palms sweat. He can’t be that man. He shouldn’t be that man.

Still, that man lingers like a specter, a tempter whispering in his ear to act now, to use this slight advantage he has and claim the maknae for himself, knowing what he knows and having discouraged Seokmin from chasing after Chan. Soonyoung tunes this man out, refusing to hear any more of it. Listening to the man whispering over his shoulder would only conflict him more.

He is left with three alternatives - to be the best friend, to be the brother, or to be the lover. And oh, how appealing the role of the lover seems at this current moment. The lover is tempting as well, carrying inside him the generosity, pure heart, and selflessness that the man doesn’t have. Still, the lover isn’t a best friend - not a good one, at least. The lover disregards Seokmin’s love for Chan, pretends that he is ignorant to how his actions would inevitably betray and hurt his best friend. No, the lover isn’t a viable option, even if it is a better and more tempting option than that of the craving man.

Two alternatives. The brother and the best friend. He’s incapable of being the best friend he should be. He couldn’t find it in himself to encourage Seokmin, to set aside his own interests and personal feelings to tell him what he wanted to hear. Soonyoung just can’t do it; he can’t see Chan happy with someone else. The best friend resembles the slightest bit the selfish man, preferring to see Chan alone than with Seokmin. Any other reality would hurt too much.

So there is the brother he can and should be. He can be the dutiful older brother and pretend his actions are for the good of both. Soonyoung does, to an extent, believe that his words to Seokmin were for the best interest of both. He knows Seokmin would be setting himself up for heartbreak. He knows Chan isn’t over him, even though a small, insecure voice in the back of his mind begins to suggest that _maybe he’s just not that into you anymore_. He can fool himself, or perhaps be honest, if his intentions were true, that by keeping Seokmin and Chan from each other, he’s protecting both of them. Yes, this role suits him well.

Still, the brother hurts, because in any which way Soonyoung looks at it, he loses.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it! Why did you have to tell me, Seok? Why me? Why couldn’t you let me live in ignorance? Why did you have to put me in this position?_

“Hyung, it’s been twenty minutes! You alright in there?” Chan asks from the other side of the door, and the time that Soonyoung has spent sitting on the bathroom floor finally registers.

He hates this because he doesn’t feel ready in any way to face Chan and pretend that everything is okay, that he hadn’t been planning to use the rest of the sake they’d shared earlier as liquid courage to finally tell Chan how he’s been feeling about him. The thought of sharing that bottle with Chan, realizing just how damn _close_ he was to happiness before Seokmin’s confession sent him spiraling back to square one, is almost too much.

“I’m alright! I’ll be out in a sec,” Soonyoung calls from the other side of the door, carefully controlling his voice. Only then does he gather enough will to stand, supporting himself on the sink, and get a glimpse of his face.

Soonyoung’s reflection looks as though he has seen a ghost. Pale cheeks, reddened, chapped lips, sweaty hair, and bloodshot eyes stare back at him. It’s the look of the hurting brother, the bad best friend, the hopeless lover, and the desperate man. Soonyoung sees all four of them staring back at him in that moment. They each look just like him, their piercing, upturned gazes challenging Soonyoung to pick the person he wants to be. They dare him, back him into a corner, pressure him to make a choice because _you have to do something._

The wobble of Soonyoung’s lip alerts him that he’s seen enough. He manages to tear his gaze away from his unnerving reflection and wash his face. The sound of the running water does little to ease the tremble of his hands or the nerves in his stomach. All he can hear over and over is Seokmin’s cracking voice telling him, _“I love him.”_

_Hooking up. Fell for him. Love him. Can’t lose him. Help me._

Soonyoung’s hands ball into fists as he wills Seokmin’s voice to leave his head. He can’t hear it anymore. Each time he hears it feels like a stab to the back. He doesn’t blame Seokmin - not at all. Seokmin doesn’t know how he feels. Chan doesn’t either. No one does, save for Jihoon, who he wants to curse for putting him in this position. He wouldn’t be here, battling four different versions of himself if Jihoon hadn’t unearthed the ugly truth Soonyoung had been content to bury years ago.

Is he resentful of the fact that Seokmin lied to Chan about their arrangement in the first place? Massively. Did he hold back from telling his best friend what he really thought of him - that he’d been a selfish, cowardly liar and a pitiful excuse of an older brother to Chan? Without a doubt. Still, he can’t blame Seokmin because how could anyone be in such close proximity to Lee Chan, get to hold him, touch him, kiss him the way Seokmin did, and _not_ be drawn in by the maknae’s almost magnetic pull? If Soonyoung himself had been drawn to the star over Chan’s head and the beauty of his soul when he was just seventeen, how could he expect Seokmin to be immune to the pull of those same aspects of Chan now that he’s grown and matured?

He wants to hate Seokmin for ruining this for him with his feelings and terrible timing, but he can’t - not when he’s down there with him, and not when Seokmin has no idea how he feels.

Seokmin’s voice finally fades into the background, no longer replaying in his mind like a broken record or a scratched disc. He gathers himself as well as he can and pushes out of the bathroom, eyes zipping across the room to find Chan tucked into Soonyoung’s bed, wearing one of Soonyoung’s sweatshirts, and holding Soonyoung’s tiger plushie in his arms.

Soonyoung instantly feels a sharp, painful tug on his heart, and it’s everything he can do to stop himself from diving into the bed, taking Chan into his arms, and peppering him all over with kisses. The maknae looks up from his phone and watches Soonyoung curiously. Soonyoung is left with the feeling that Chan has questions he isn’t asking, and a part of him suspects that the maknae knows what the pair talked about, even if Seokmin didn’t tell him.

“You’re wearing my sweatshirt,” Soonyoung says brilliantly, unable to quite tear his eyes away from the sight of the maknae looking so warm and cozy in one of his articles of clothing.

Chan pulls the sleeves over his hands almost possessively and shrugs a little. “Mine got dirty, and yours looks a lot comfier. Is that okay, hyung?”

Soonyoung nods, still remaining stuck in his position across the room. He swallows thickly as Chan’s gaze grows deeper, more curious, more daring. Chan finally pats the spot next to him on the bed, gesturing for Soonyoung to join him. The unit leader hesitates for a moment before climbing into the spot and resting his back against the bedrest. He quickly busies himself with picking at the raised skin at the corner of his thumbnail, needing to look anywhere but at Chan.

“Do you have the bottle?” Chan asks, a particular glint in his eye.

Soonyoung nods again, unable to quite find his words. He leans over his bed to pick up his bag, pulling out the half empty bottle of sake and handing it to Chan with a gentle smile. Chan takes it and stares at it with a sigh before taking a long swig, setting the plushie between them. 

“Tonight was fun,” Chan starts, passing the bottle back to Soonyoung for the elder to take a long swig from it himself. “The hyungs seem pretty close again, I think.”

Soonyoung shudders at the burn of the alcohol running down his throat. “I saw that too. It’s really nice to see them so close again. I missed their dynamic a lot.”

Chan nods in agreement, holding his hand out for the bottle. He takes another long swig, and in just a few seconds his cheeks start to grow rosier. Soonyoung is quickly endeared by the sight, despite taking notice of how quickly Chan seems to be drinking. Almost instantly, his eyes seem to become a little unfocused. “You know, I think the three of them would be cute. Together.”

The elder pauses at the thought, considering it deeply. He grimaces as he takes another swig, already starting to feel the buzz beginning to pump through his veins. Maybe Chan isn’t the only one eager to drink more tonight. “Together? Nah...Joshua would never go for it. He’s already scared out of his mind that he likes a guy. Two guys would be asking for the impossible.”

“Mm...I don’t know about impossible. Unlikely, maybe. Not impossible,” Chan muses. “I don’t think anything is impossible. I think humans are just pessimists by nature. It’s why we hold back from the things that make us truly happy.” He seems pensive, resting his head against the back of Soonyoung’s bed and staring at the ceiling. He swirls the sake in his hands before taking another long swig, eyelids fluttering closed as he passes it back to Soonyoung.

Soonyoung squints a little as he regards Chan with both interest and a longing he can’t quite describe. He is suddenly hit with the need to know just about every aspect of the maknae’s mind: its inner workings, its thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and fears. Somehow, even after over eight years of living together, in this light, Chan feels like an enigma to him - a mystery he can’t quite begin to piece together without a little help and a lot more alcohol. “Why do you say that?”

Chan blinks slowly and chews on his lip in thought. “It’s like this. Say you’re in an idol group, and your stupid, thoughtless, naive self falls for your emotionally unavailable group mate. You don’t see it then, because your head’s too far up your ass to see past the tip of your nose. You see everything through this rose-colored lens until that person finds out and flat out rejects you, making you feel like the most unwanted piece of shit ever. You get all pessimistic and hopeless, call it impossible, and give up instead of putting up a fight and making that person see just how perfect for them you are. Then the cycle repeats itself, except you become the emotionally unavailable dumbass that takes the group mate that _actually_ gives you the time of day for granted, using him to make yourself feel better about yourself and your sad little crush on someone completely out of your reach. Do you become a pessimist again like the first time, or do you decide to shoot your shot this time, even if you’re risking a shit ton in the process?”

Soonyoung’s jaw has fallen agape, eyes wide and cheeks burning red hot. He falters, searching for a response and coming up short. He expected a lot of things tonight, but Chan’s sudden, blatant honesty and harsh rhetoric was not one of them. He never expected to be pelted with the ugly truth this way. Chan looks up then, eyes glassy and lips curling downward into a frown.

“Chan…” Soonyoung begins, trailing off once his damn bottom lip starts wobbling.

“Hyung told you, didn’t he?” Chan finally brings himself to ask the question. “That’s what you went outside to talk about tonight? He finally told you what was going on between us?”

Soonyoung falls silent, quick to look away. Rather than answer, he takes another long drink from the sake bottle, needing to cloud his mind just a little more, numb the feelings just a little more. Chan lets out a low, self-deprecating scoff and nods. “Of course he did. You’re his best friend,” he observes bitterly. Soonyoung feels like crawling under the bed and hiding from the maknae, unused to feeling so blatantly called out by him. It’s an odd feeling, being on the receiving end of Chan’s dominant attitude. He feels...small.

“Don’t you want to know what I said?” Soonyoung finally dares to ask softly. “Don’t you want to know if I blocked your shot or not?”

Chan looks up and meets Soonyoung’s upturned gaze, eyes reflecting the same emotions pooling in Soonyoung’s chest. “No...I don’t, actually. Because regardless of what you might have told him, I’m choosing to shoot my shot this time. He...he makes me happy, hyung. And no, he’s not you, but I owe it to myself and him to make this work. I have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything. You could just take a step back and let him breathe.”

Chan shakes his head, a certain awkward sway in the movement giving away just how drunk Chan is starting to get. Soonyoung knows that he can’t hold any of what the maknae says now against him. “No, I already did that once. I let you breathe and got nothing back for it. All I got were mixed messages and double standards. You left me empty-handed.”

_Ouch. Well...maybe except that one._

“Channie-” Soonyoung starts, head starting to feel light and fuzzy. Chan cuts him off instantly.

“I don’t want to know what you told him because it doesn’t matter anymore. Kwon Soonyoung, from tonight on out, I don’t like you anymore. I hope this helps you sleep better at night,” Chan suddenly confesses, voice filled with resolve and a little more than a slight slur. The maknae clumsily pushes the bottle back to Soonyoung and moves to slide out of his bed. Soonyoung instinctively pulls him back then, causing the maknae to fall back into his side.

“Hyung, let go-”

“You’re a dumbass, Lee Chan,” Soonyoung mumbles, shaking his head and finishing off what was left in the bottle - a little too much for one person, if what is left of his rational thought has to be honest. Chan frowns. “Feelings don’t...they don’t work that way. You’re literally a dumbass.”

“Look who’s talking,” Chan replies with a pout, rolling his eyes and slumping into Soonyoung’s side in defeat. He doesn’t move from there, fitting like a puzzle piece slotted into a spot that maybe isn’t the correct place but still manages to fit almost perfectly. It’s a strange feeling, he can’t help but think - to fit somewhere seamlessly despite not belonging there usually. 

Soonyoung’s head is swimming now, and it takes everything he has to keep a leash on his increasingly loose tongue and even more increasingly loose reservations. “You still like me,” Soonyoung mumbles, the thought bringing along with it both waves of relief and longing.

“Noo...I told you already. I absolutely do _not_ like you anymore.”

“Then why are you wearing my sweatshirt?”

The maknae falters, squinting his eyes and furrowing his eyebrows as though deep in thought. “I told you why!” he protests, looking up at Soonyoung through hazy eyes and droopy lids. “I like it because it’s comfy...like you…”

Soonyoung chews on his lip, eyes dragging down from Chan’s eyes down to his nose and finally settling on his lips. “So you’re saying you do like me still.”

Chan seems to realize then in a moment of clarity that he’s been caught, eyes widening slightly in alarm. “N-No...I just-”

“I like you too,” Soonyoung says abruptly, eyes widening as soon as Chan freezes. He’s lost control over his words, unable to hold back any longer. He wasn’t supposed to confess, not when Seokmin told him what he did. _What did you do? God, what did you do?_

“W-What?” Chan says, voice barely above a whisper. He blinks slowly, the cogs in his brain turning a lot slower than usual from the effects of the alcohol. Soonyoung swallows thickly, head full of cotton candy and viscous honey as he stares at Chan. His face is burning like fire, cheeks red and hot. His heartbeat is so loud in his ears that he almost can’t hear the sound of Chan choke on a cry. “You just...why would you say that? Am I a joke to you?”

“No, no! I-I’m sorry, I just…” he trails off, the words escaping him. He struggles harder than normal to put together a string of sentences, somehow only able to focus on how pretty Chan looks in this light - the glow of the lit lamp sitting on the nightstand illuminating one side of his face and casting a shadow on the other, bringing out the sparkle in his eyes and the angles of his jaw. Chan is frowning, but somehow Soonyoung can only find the pout of his lips adorable.

“You just what? You want to ruin this for me?” Chan slurs, nose scrunching as his expression contorts into one of hurt.

Soonyoung shakes his head slowly, hands shaking in his lap as he realizes that there’s no going back. He’s been caught. “I...I like you, Channie. I really, really like you. I mean it.”

Chan swallows thickly then, seeming unable to fully process Soonyoung’s words. “But...but no! You love Jihoon-hyung. I don’t understand. Are you messing with me?”

“Why would I mess with you?”

“Because you never got to be happy and can’t stand the sight of anyone else happy either!” Chan almost yells, alarming Soonyoung enough to shush him quickly, the volume of his voice hard on his ears. His words hurt Soonyoung more than they should at this stage of intoxication.

“God Chan, that’s not it at all!” Soonyoung can feel blood pumping harder throughout his body, his reservations lowering more and more with each second. Still, a thrill runs down his spine at the realization that this is all happening - he’s finally told Chan. Soonyoung can’t even find it in himself to feel bad, not with the alcohol burning in his bloodstream. The fermented chemicals are kicking in, and Soonyoung finds himself leaning toward the draw of the hopeless lover - the one ready to swoop in and kiss Chan, make him his, give him everything he deserves—

Until Chan punches his arm with more force than he should, the sharp pain sobering him up just enough to come to terms with what he’s doing. “Why would you do that to me? Why would you tell me this now?” Chan cries angrily. “Why wait until I decided to try things out with him?”

Soonyoung is hit with a crashing wave of guilt, realizing what he’s done. He put Chan in the worst position, now wedged between Soonyoung and Seokmin. Chan had practically begged Seokmin for a chance to return his feelings and be with him, and now that Chan has promised him a fair shot, Soonyoung has wrecked it all by confessing. How could Chan move forward with Seokmin, knowing that the person he’s loved for years now feels the same way about him?

_Congrats, Soonyoung. You did it. You’ve made a filthy mess of everything like you always do._

Soonyoung knows he has to say something - literally anything that would explain why now, of all moments, he’s blurted out a truth Chan had counted on never getting to hear. He wants to tell Chan that he should be happy, since this is what he’s wanted for the longest time. He wants to tell Chan that _it’s okay, Seokmin will understand_. He wants to tell Chan to stop thinking, follow his heart, and be Soonyoung’s, but he can’t say any of these things.

Not when Seokmin is his best friend. Not when this mess of a love affair sits in the middle of ten other people. Not when their friendships, careers, and family lies at stake. He can’t ask Chan to be selfish, and yet drunk Soonyoung still wants to play ignorant, at least for a little while.

“Chan…” Soonyoung says softly, catching his flailing fists and taking them into his own. He can feel an irresistible gravitational pull toward the younger now, keeping him from pulling away, snapping into reason, and jumping out of the bed. He can’t fight it.

But Chan fights _him_ , snatching his hands back and smacking Soonyoung’s away. “You’re an asshole, Soonyoung. You’re a fucking asshole.” Soonyoung flinches, heart aching at his words. 

_I get that from the people I love a lot._

Truthfully, Soonyoung is now at a complete loss for what to say. He can’t tell if it’s because of the internal conflict raging inside of him right now, rationality warring with impulsivity, or because the effect of the alcohol in his system is growing too strong to even let him think straight. He sits there staring at a crying Chan, feeling more numb than he ever has before. Chan suddenly starts swinging again, hitting him once, twice, three times. Soonyoung doesn’t react much more than a flinch, taking it all. Deep down, the sober voice in his head tells him he deserves it. He’s irreversibly put Chan in the worst of positions, and while he isn’t quite sorry right now, he knows that once the alcohol wears off and he is forced to face himself, he will be.

“I hate you. I hate you so much,” Chan cries, hitting him in the chest one last time before giving up, slumping against his side in exhaustion. Soonyoung struggles to think past the haze clouding his brain from properly functioning and say something comforting or apologetic, but the effort is futile. He’s incapable of rationalizing right now, words he shouldn’t say tumbling past his lips without permission.

All he can think to do is fight Chan on what he knows just isn’t true, even if Chan wishes it were.

“No you don’t. You love me,” Soonyoung replies almost matter-of-factly. He really shouldn’t throw that in Chan’s face like this, but he’s past thinking rationally. He shouldn’t have drank this much; he feels like a loose cannon with no control over his decisions or actions. He wants to remind Chan of where his heart is and has always been—not with Seokmin, but with him. He wants Chan to know that he’s opened his eyes, that his own heart now lies in Chan’s hands for him to do whatever he chooses with it. 

Because if Chan’s chosen to shoot his shot, then why can’t Soonyoung shoot his?

Chan looks up then, staring at him angrily through glossy, red-rimmed eyes. “You fucking asshole—no. No! I hate you so much. I hate you so much I can’t even look at you—”

“But you’re looking at me right now—“

“—hate you so much I can’t even be next to you—”

“You sleep in my arms every night—”

“I hate you so much that I can’t love you anymore—“

“But you do, Channie. You do.”

Chan bolts upright in outrage, staring daggers at Soonyoung for a long moment. Soonyoung only stares back, breath catching in his chest. As stupid as it sounds, he can’t help but think that even with so much of Chan’s anger and resentment being directed at him, there’s a certain beauty in the maknae sitting there wearing his sweatshirt, tears streaming down his face, body tense and trembling, hair clinging to his sweaty forehead, and fists balled at his sides. Chan is about to spit more hateful words. Soonyoung can sense it. He steadies himself for it.

Before Chan can hurt another round of insults at him, Soonyoung reaches for his fists and unfolds them, squeezing the maknae’s hands in his own. “Call me an asshole, call me a piece of shit, call me anything you want. I’ll take it. But don’t act like you don’t love me now that I’ve fallen for you, too,” he says, head spinning and words growing heavier on his tongue.

Chan relaxes his fists and processes his words for a long moment, eyes full of angry confusion. “I just don’t understand. Since when? This doesn’t make any sense, Kwon Soonyoung!”

Soonyoung sighs deeply, blinking slowly and attempting to gather his words. “Since we were trainees...I think. You were just too young then, so I moved onto Jihoonie. But now you’re all grown up, and I see you, Channie. You know I’ve always been the one to see you. That’s what you wanted, no? For me to see you? Well here I am. What you do with that is up to you.” 

For a moment time seems to halt, with Soonyoung’s honest words settling into the core of Chan’s bones. He watches intently, nerves on end as he waits for some reaction from the maknae. Chan looks away from Soonyoung, eyes drifting down to their linked hands. The unit leader can’t help but notice how well his hands seem to fit into Chan’s - both small and slender, with Soonyoung’s fingers a little longer and thinner, and Chan’s a little shorter and stronger. He finds a perfect complement in the way they hold each other, not the same, but just as fitting.

Chan’s brows furrow in thought as he blinks slowly, turning their hands over in his lap. He visibly swallows, and when he looks up, Soonyoung feels a shiver run down his spine at the conviction suddenly present in his glassy gaze. Chan stares a hole into Soonyoung, who watches him with a sense of anticipation and a small twinge of fear for what’s to come. Soonyoung’s upturned eyes drift shut when Chan’s hand reaches for his face, cupping his chin and running a thumb across his sharp jawline. Soonyoung’s skin prickles at the feeling, goosebumps erupting all over his body. Every last sensation is heightened, each one of his nerves becoming a live wire. He inhales sharply when Chan’s thumb glides across his chapped lips, dragging his bottom one along with it. 

“You’re really not messing with me? You mean it?” Chan asks, voice hoarse from the arguing and yet an octave lower than it had been before. 

Soonyoung shivers again involuntarily, bottom lip wobbling with emotion. He dares to crack his eyes open then, finding Chan staring at him with an expression he’s never seen before. The look in his eyes makes his toes curl and his breath hitch. He finds himself nodding slowly, unable to break eye contact. “Yes,” he breathes. “I love you, Chan.”

Time only seems to start ticking again once Chan speaks. “Shit…” he mumbles.

Soonyoung’s mind goes fully blank the moment Chan launches forward, grabbing his face with both hands and sloppily smashing their lips together. Soonyoung gasps into Chan’s mouth with the impact, lips parting on their own. Chan is quick to take advantage of the opening, delving into Soonyoung’s mouth and exploring this new territory he’s found. Soonyoung is losing complete control over himself, drowning in the feeling of Chan’s tongue pushing past his lips and exploring him like he never thought possible. Soonyoung’s fingers weave through Chan’s hair and pull him closer as the unit leader lets go completely, the tiny, rational voice in his head drowned out by his pounding heartbeat and the sound of Chan groaning into his mouth.

They quickly become a mess of limbs, Chan pulling Soonyoung down flat on top of him and wrapping his legs around the elder’s frame. Their lips are a messy fit together - clumsy and ridden with inexperience. Still, Chan’s grip on his body grows tighter, more insistent, more urgent. He’s confident. Soonyoung feels like he’s on fire, Chan fanning the flames.

He shouldn’t. He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t.

But he does. And now Chan’s hands are curling around the hem of Soonyoung’s shirt and sliding it up, fingertips gliding over his skin. Soonyoung shivers under his touch and kisses him deeper, his own hands finding their way to Chan’s hips and pressing down on them. The action seems to awaken something in Chan, who flips them over and settles on top of Soonyoung. Chan’s hands are curious and explorative, disappearing under his shirt and running across up and down his thin frame. Chan’s hands settle on his small waist while his lips drag across his jaw and neck with urgency, biting and sucking in a way Soonyoung never would have imagined possible from Chan. Soonyoung lets out a needy whimper as his fingers settle in Chan’s hair, head thrown back and body tingling with sensations unlike he’s ever felt before. The sound causes goosebumps to appear all over the maknae’s body. Soonyoung reconnects their lips, needing that point of contact once again, one hand tugging on Chan’s locks and the other dancing over Chan’s inner thigh. The maknae growls into his mouth, the sound sending blood rushing to Soonyoung’s manhood almost instantly.

And he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t -

But he does. And now Chan is crawling down Soonyoung’s body like a feline and sliding his shirt up, leaving trails of kisses all over his torso as he moves. Chan moves with purpose, with a certain confidence and security that Soonyoung only ever sees when the maknae is on stage. It’s the kind of self-assurance that only shines through when Chan is bent on putting on a show and entertaining whoever is there to watch. It’s clear in the way he grinds down on Soonyoung’s hips with a weird sort of drunken clumsiness mixed with artistic elegance, hands eager yet still full of methodical restraint. Chan’s fingers hook over his pajama pants and begin pulling down like he knows what he’s doing and how he’s going to do it - 

_Like he’s done this a million times before._

A sudden bitter taste fills Soonyoung’s mouth as he remembers where - or rather with who - Chan became so experienced. The image of crescent moons curling upward and a sunny smile drags him aggressively out of himself, and only then does the reality of what is happening slam some sense of rationality into Soonyoung. 

He shouldn’t, he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t - 

It would be so easy to let the buzz of the alcohol drag him back down, let himself become putty in Chan’s hands, and submerge himself in the sensations and signals running through his veins like electricity. It would be so easy to, at least for a moment, pretend that Soonyoung and Chan aren’t Hoshi and Dino of SEVENTEEN, that there isn’t a Dokyeom of SEVENTEEN, that they aren’t who they are in the situation that they’re in with everything that lies at stake. It would be so easy to just breathe easy - for once in his life - and let himself have this. It would be so easy to let tonight run its course, to bare himself completely and let Chan take him however many times he wants to even if it hurts because _you hurt the people you love, Soonyoung, so you should hurt too._ It would be so easy to be the lover, or worse, the senseless, starving man.

But he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t, he really shouldn’t - 

“Chan, stop,” Soonyoung blurts out, and almost instantly, the maknae freezes. 

Silence befalls the room the way it does when news of a sudden family death has just been delivered. It’s maddening in the worst ways possible. The haze from the alcohol begins to dissipate like boiling water evaporating into the air, leaving his brain in a jumbled mess full of disbelieving thoughts. Because this can’t have just happened. They can’t have been this close.

Just as Soonyoung had predicted, the suffocating feelings of guilt and shame over what he’d been about to do - what he’d already done - with Chan behind Seokmin’s back threatens to drown him under their weight. The best friend and the brother drag him underwater by the legs, the lover pushes him down by the shoulders, and the man he’d feared becoming so much plummets him further and further down by the head. Soonyoung’s breaths come deeper, more labored, as his lips wobble with the realization that he failed as a brother and as a best friend.

“Channie...” Soonyoung whispers, at a complete loss for words.

His voice seems to draw Chan out of his shock, and slowly, the maknae pulls himself up from Soonyoung’s body. The younger seems to have sobered up just enough to carry a heavy look of hurt and guilt in his eyes. “I’m sorry…” Chan says, sounding distant and disoriented.

Soonyoung sits up quickly. “No it’s me. I’m so sorry,” the unit leader counters. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Chan doesn’t answer right away, taking a long, shaky breath and rubbing his eyes. “What’s done is done,” he replies softly, voice full of exhaustion. “I just don’t understand. Why would you tell me now?”

Soonyoung hesitates, voice cracking. “I think you know why.”

Chan’s lips tremble as the weight of his words seems to press down on him. Soonyoung doesn’t have to say what they’re both dreading to hear out loud - that he’s selfish and scared to lose Chan to his best friend. That he figured he’d shoot his shot just like Chan did, even if it cost them both everything. That Soonyoung couldn’t just sit back and accept yet another defeat, another kick to the face from life. He’d had enough of that with Jihoon to last him a lifetime.

Chan stands up from Soonyoung’s bed, about to walk away, but he hesitates and turns back to Soonyoung. For a split second, the old twinkle in his eyes is back - the one full of the love and admiration that Chan has always gazed at him with. Still, to Soonyoung’s dismay, it fades as quickly as it appeared, replaced by something much grayer, much more rueful. “I just wish you’d loved me sooner,” he says, and Soonyoung’s heart breaks a little more.

“I wish I hadn’t realized when it was already too late,” Soonyoung replies honestly, looking away regretfully. “If you decide to hate me after tonight, I’ll understand, Channie.”

Chan’s face instantly contorts in a mixture of outrage and shock. “God, hyung, how do you think I could possibly hate you when I _love_ you?”

“Love and hate aren’t so different, you know.”

“I just...I wish you just wouldn’t have said anything. Not now, at least,” Chan says candidly.

Soonyoung swallows thickly, guilt gnawing at his insides insistently. Still, one question lingers in his mind. “Do you regret it?” he asks, for some reason still needing to know.

Chan frowns, eyelids drooping dejectedly. “I really don’t think I should answer that, hyung.” The maknae hesitates for a moment longer before nodding a little to himself, jaw clenched as he makes his way to the door. Soonyoung knows in that instant that this is the last of Chan he’ll see tonight. The thought only makes the knot in his throat grow larger and his guilt run deeper.

“I’m so sorry,” Soonyoung repeats pathetically, because what else could he say?

“We both made choices tonight, hyung. We’re okay.”

Chan disappears, the sound of the door shutting louder than he’d like. And just for a fleeting moment, with tears in his eyes and a heavy heart in his chest, Soonyoung believes him.

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, comments and thoughts on any aspect of this story are more than welcome!!! i learn a lot from reading what you all say so thank you so much for interacting with this story! take care and stay safe everyone <3


	27. the promise that i’ll make you laugh more, i haven’t forgotten it yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Chan makes some discoveries while trying out a hobby he's not good at, and Seokmin makes a decision.
> 
> title from "Would you like a cup of coffee?" - Paul Kim

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY SOME GOOD OLD SEOKCHAN FLUFF <33333333
> 
> more soonchan and seokchan fluff to come next chapter!! stay tuned :D

A shutter clicks at the roof terrace of Namsan Tower. Chan lowers the camera he graciously borrowed from Minghao, staring at the digital image he’s just taken of the scene down below. He frowns, a small pout on his face as he adjusts his black framed eyebrow glasses on his nose slightly. He doesn’t get it - why don’t his photos look like the ones Minghao, Mingyu and Wonwoo take? His pictures look so...basic.

The maknae sighs, leaning over the padlock-filled railing and gazing down at the view. Maybe photography isn’t for him. At Mingyu’s recommendation, he figured he’d at least try the hobby for fun, seeing as how he no longer has anything else but dance to fill his suddenly vacant time.

Since the group’s return to Seoul after concluding the dome tour, Chan feels like the constant marathon he’d been running has now come to a grinding end. There’s no rehearsals, interviews, music show appearances, or even concerts to occupy his time, the company designating the weeks leading up to the end of year award shows as vacation time. While under any other circumstances, Chan would be ecstatic about the time off, right now he almost wishes he were back on the road working himself to the bone. His mind would be occupied, and more easily could he ignore both Soonyoung and Seokmin’s absence from his side. 

Since that first night in Tokyo, Chan has been deliberately giving Seokmin space, waiting for the elder to approach him. He didn’t want to impose himself on Seokmin at all, choosing to leave the man alone to think on the proposition Chan had made. Even though he misses Seokmin’s presence terribly, Chan is almost relieved that he hasn’t gotten an answer yet. At least he now has some time to ponder the other matter plaguing his mind since that same night in Tokyo.

Soonyoung.

Chan runs a hand through his black locks and sighs in exasperation. Kwon Soonyoung. He’s been avoiding the unit leader since the night of his confession like the plague, unable to trust himself around Soonyoung. Every time he looks at the unit leader, he’s filled with a mixture of regret, excitement, and longing - a risky combination, he thinks. He isn’t ignorant to the pout that forms on Soonyoung’s lips every time Chan runs away, but he can’t bring himself to be close to him, even though it’s all his heart wants. He finds himself questioning how on earth he ended up in this position, wedged between two of the people he loves most in the world and at a complete loss for what to do. He hasn’t felt this unsure about himself since debut, when he weighed the possibilities of either being the maknae of this group or the leader of the next group to debut. 

What he finds the hardest at the moment isn’t even the position he’s in, but that there isn’t anyone around him that could possibly make this easier for him. He’d told Jeonghan and Seungcheol everything upon returning to Seoul, looking for guidance in either of the two elders. Their answers had been the same, unsurprisingly - the choice between Seokmin and Soonyoung is for Chan and Chan only to make. They’d warned him about the consequences of either choice and begged him to tread lightly with the matter. The group couldn’t risk another conflict like the one they just recently managed to pull themselves out of. There’s too much on the line, too many people at stake, too many consequences that come attached to deteriorating relationships within the group.

So of course, rather than face the conflicts head on, Chan is standing on Namsam Tower with Minghao’s camera and trying to distract himself with a hobby he is clearly no good at. He stares back down at the image he’d taken of the view below and groans, deleting the image off of his hyung’s camera. It’s no use. He doesn’t have Minghao’s eye for detail. He doesn’t know a thing about aesthetics or landscapes, and the tiniest, daily occurrences that Minghao thinks to immortalize in his photos simply just don’t stand out to Chan. He supposes he’s more of a “big picture” kind of person, unable to look deeper into the finer things - the tiny details.

Soonyoung has always been much better at capturing details. Chan’s ability to imagine the overall picture combined with Soonyoung’s sharp eye for details are what make the pair such an unstoppable duo. They complement each other in the kind of unique and electrifying way that only movie couples tend to do, because real relationships are usually much more complicated. There’s kinks to work out and clashing behaviors, conflicting ideologies and petty arguments. But he and Soonyoung aren’t like that - not in Chan’s mind, at least. 

His mind drifts back to the night they kissed, the smell of alcohol and the taste of sushi still fresh as their lips moved together sloppily. Even with the unfamiliarity and lack of coordination, Chan still thinks their lips slotted together perfectly. Somehow, this hurts even more because he can’t have it. He won’t let himself have it. Soonyoung was too late, and Chan won’t hurt Seokmin any more because of it. 

The sun is only just starting to set with the late afternoon, the crowds of tourists and smitten couples surrounding him gradually beginning to disperse. Chan remains standing in his spot, unsure as to why exactly, but something about standing among thousands of diverse love padlocks, each with their own engraved promises of forever love, he finds a strange sense of comfort. The colorful padlocks remind him that he isn’t the first or last person to love and lose. They remind him that no great love story is the same, each one unique to the people in them. The padlocks exist in all shapes, colors, and sizes, each linked to another and yet distinct in themselves. The etchings are the different, the messages personal, the initials corresponding to different people living different lives, facing different circumstances and making different choices. He’s suddenly struck with an idea, and before he quite understands what he’s doing and why, he’s purchasing his own little padlock and turning it over in his hand.

Chan settles on a bench and taps the top of his marker against his lip, thinking about what to write. Truthfully, he doesn’t know what drove him to buy the little blue thing coated in rubber. Chan just suddenly feels like he wants to be part of the love stories on this terrace, even if he has no idea who would come to be part of his. He chews on his lip and finally settles on something, pulling the cap off of the marker and writing on the padlock.

On the front, he writes his initials and leaves a space: _L.C. +_

On the back, he writes: _To be continued…_

Because this little love story of his will continue. Chan promises himself and the little lock in his hands that next time he’ll return holding someone’s hand, ready to update this story. He’s just unsure right now, and maybe that’s okay. Maybe he doesn’t have to have all the answers or fully know what he’s doing. Maybe it’s okay for him to simply ride the wave with this one and wait for the right choice to come to him. He’s pretended up until now to have all the answers, convinced himself that he knew what he was doing.

“Not anymore, Lee Chan. Take your hands off the steering wheel,” he whispers to himself, turning the lock over in his hand one more time before walking up to the railing and searching for the right spot for it. He paces back and forth for a bit before settling on a particular lock, a big, yellow, heart-shaped one with the initials _J.H. + Y.A._ etched on it. There are three Chinese characters on the back - 我明白 - and while Chan isn’t going to pretend to know what they mean, he snaps a photo of them. He wants to ask Junhui or Minghao about them later.

Chan clicks the lock into place, the little blue thing hanging from the big, yellow lock, and he smiles fondly. Something about the action lifts some pressure off of his shoulders. _To be continued..._ yes, he’ll be back to fill this in later. He snaps a photo of his own lock, and another of the view down below at the spot where his lock hangs. He’s still shit at photography, and the images aren’t pretty or aesthetically pleasing in the slightest, but they’re his, along with this little memory. 

He leans over the railing again and flips through Minghao’s camera roll, curious to see his most recent subjects of interest. There’s quite a few nature images, some of which he recognizes from Japan. There’s winter sakura trees and koi fish in indoor ponds with water lilies sitting on top of lily pads, there’s rain puddles and the Tokyo snowfall, and there’s -

Chan’s breath catches in his throat, finger on the camera’s arrow key frozen in place. 

There’s Seokmin, and there’s Chan looking back at him, both with stars in their eyes and snowflakes in their hair. Something about the image tugs deeply at his heartstrings, the background blurred with the two as the center subjects of the image. Chan never expected to find such an image on Minghao’s camera, but he suddenly finds himself thankful that he found it. He stares at it a little longer than perhaps he should, and before he can think better of it, he’s sending the photo to his phone, needing to have it for himself. He debates mentioning his discovery to Minghao but quickly decides against it; if the Chinese man had wanted to share the photo with him, he would have.

Sometimes he wonders what goes on in the elder’s head.

Chan’s phone buzzes in his hand at the exact same moment that he’s checking to see that the photo was sent, his screen filling with a silly image he took of Seokmin when he impersonated Jeonghan for their fifth anniversary special content. His face blanches, heartbeat accelerating in his chest. He suddenly doesn’t know what to make of the singer’s phone call, given that Seokmin has generally kept his distance and rarely initiated contact with him besides a few exchanged words in shared dorm spaces.

His thumb hovers over the slider, and before he can think too much, he answers the call.

Chan pauses before speaking into the mic. “Seokmin-hyung?”

“Hey Channie,” Seokmin’s warm, honey-coated voice fills his ear. The sound instantly brings about a wave of relief and warmth over Chan. He sounds content, no trace of any negative emotion to be found in his tone. “Where are you right now?” he asks.

“Oh...I’m at Namsan Tower, actually. Why, is someone looking for me?” Chan asks, cheeks flushing in embarrassment at the admission of his whereabouts.

“No, I was just curious,” the elder replies. Chan can almost hear the smile in Seokmin’s voice. “What are you doing alone at Namsan Tower?”

Chan chews on his lip, eyes catching the little blue padlock hanging from the railing. “Taking photos, actually. Myungho-hyung lent me his camera.”

“Ah I see,” Seokmin replies before falling silent. Chan feels a bout of nerves chew at his stomach as a few beats of silence pass before Seokmin speaks up again. “What level are you on?”

“The roof terrace, where all the padlocks are.”

“Okay...don’t go anywhere. I’m heading over,” Seokmin suddenly says, a nervous undertone suddenly becoming evident in his tone. “Wait for me, please?”

Chan is admittedly taken aback by the request, but he nods nonetheless. It’s only a short second later that he realizes Seokmin can’t see him and is quick to speak up. “Oh, sure, hyung. I’ll wait here.”

“Perfect, see you in a bit!” Seokmin chirps before hanging up quickly. Chan stares at his phone screen for a moment, baffled at the sudden interaction, before the weight of Seokmin’s words settles in his chest. This would be the first time the two are alone together in weeks. Chan suddenly doesn’t know what to do with this information.

Still he remains in his spot along the railing, staring out at where the sun is beginning to set behind the Seoul skyscrapers. The sky is a watercolor canvas of reds, oranges, purples, and blues. The sight actually reminds him of one of Minghao’s paintings hanging at the dorms, the piece of art placed perfectly above the couch on the wall adjacent to the sliding doors leading out to their balcony. He wonders if Minghao ever stood in the same place he is right now, staring at the exact same sunset and finding inspiration in the mixture of colors blending and shifting with each passing minute. Chan is suddenly struck by the fleeting nature of everything around him. The people surrounding him come and go, as do the sunrise and sunset. The colors in the sky keep changing, telling him about the time that passes, fleeting in itself. 

_Breathe in. Everything passes. Breathe out._

Chan is pulled out of his thoughts by a woman’s voice just beside him. He looks up suddenly to find a petite, straight-haired blonde girl with foreign features smiling shyly at him. She’s talking to him in English, holding a camera in her hands. Chan understands enough to know that she’s probably asking him to take a photo for her, and so he quickly nods and takes the camera from her. The girl rushes back to her position, and when Chan turns around, he finds himself taken aback by the sight in front of him, chest filling with an inexplicable warmth.

The blonde girl is with two other people - a brunette with tanned skin, a golden nose piercing, and a backwards cap hiding the wild curls falling down her shoulders, and a young Korean man with bright, teal locks cut in a mullet, a neon pink pullover, and wire-framed glasses. The brunette hops up onto the railing and wraps her arms around the shoulders of the man standing in front of her, cheek against his temple. The blonde positions herself in front of the teal-haired man, whose arms easily snake around her waist. Their hands intertwine naturally. The three are beaming as they giggle and chatter in rapid English about how to pose. Chan laughs along with them, finding the three endearing, and patiently until the blonde gives him a happy thumbs up. Chan counts down in English (that much he’s managed to learn from Hansol) and snaps the photo. Before the three can separate, he calls back, “One more! One more!” 

The three of them seem thrilled at Chan’s eagerness to take more photos for them, and they reposition slightly, this time the brunette tilting the man’s chin up and pressing a kiss to the man’s lips. The blonde’s fingers lace themselves with both of theirs, and Chan snaps more photos. When he gives them a signal, the blonde comes back to collect her phone and thanks him excitedly. The Korean man follows behind her, holding the brunette girl’s hand and rubbing the blonde’s shoulder affectionately.

“Thanks for not being all judgey,” the man tells Chan in Korean with a sunny smile. Chan picks up a slight foreign accent akin to Joshua’s, but he instantly feels more at ease. “We were trying to figure out who to ask for photos and thought you seemed like a nice, accepting person.”

“No problem! It was my pleasure. You guys are cute,” Chan replies honestly with a smile.

The brunette says something in English, which her boyfriend translates for Chan. “Angie’s asking if you’re alone here. You don’t seem like the kind of person who should be.”

Chan laughs nervously, scratching his head. “I won’t be in a few, I think. It’s complicated.”

The teal-haired man nods in understanding. “I get that. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out soon enough. Just let things happen and do what feels right,” he says with a soft smile and a knowing glint in his eye. “Things always work out for the better eventually. They did for us.”

The dancer ponders his words for a moment and nods contemplatively. “I think I needed to hear that. Thanks for that,” Chan replies honestly. His attention is caught by the sound of Seokmin calling his name and waving at him from a few feet away as he approaches.

The trio look back at Seokmin and at Chan again, and somehow all three of them wear a knowing smile on their faces. “Good luck,” the blonde says with a smile.

“Thank you, it was nice to meet you!” Chan replies in his heavily accented English, waving at the three as they wave back and walk away from him, disappearing along with the dissipating crowd. 

Seokmin has reached him now, wearing a soft smile on his face and a mustard yellow knitted sweater under a heavier gray overcoat. His hair is damp, and he smells strongly of sugary body wash. It occurs to him that Seokmin might have just rushed out of the dorms to come meet him, freshly out of the shower. “Hey you!” he greets. “Who were they?”

“Just some tourists who asked me to take some photos for them,” Chan replies, smiling up fondly at the elder. He feels inexplicably warm and safe inside, a hum of something bright and happy spreading in his chest now that Seokmin is close. He feels so familiar, so much like home, that it is all Chan can do to hold back from pulling Seokmin close and burying his face in the elder’s chest, inhaling his calming scent and basking in his sweet warmth and comfort. “What brings you here, hyung?” he asks curiously.

Seokmin’s smile dims ever so slightly, but his absolute fondness for Chan never leaves his eyes. “Walk with me?” he says softly, gesturing for Chan to follow him.

The maknae nods and walks side by side with Seokmin across the terrace, their arms brushing every so often. Seokmin seems to take his time formulating his words before finally speaking up. “So...I’ve done a lot of thinking about what you said that night backstage in Tokyo,” he starts, meeting Chan’s curious and nervous gaze.

“Oh, okay,” Chan replies brilliantly, chewing on his lip and swallowing down nerves.

“I’m sorry it took this long for me to bring it up again. I just really wanted to think things through before making a final decision. I didn’t want to rush anything or act impulsively, and I also wanted to give you enough time to change your mind if you wanted to.”

“What? Why would I do that?” Chan suddenly asks, eyes widening in surprise.

Seokmin smiles weakly, shrugging lightly. “In case you realized you only made me that offer out of guilt or realized that you didn’t actually feel something real that night.”

“I wouldn’t change my mind on you like that,” Chan replies softly, playing with the straps of the camera hanging from his neck. “And I know what I felt, hyung.”

“Hey, I didn’t say you would! It was just in case,” Seokmin is quick to explain, nudging Chan playfully. “Anyway, I thought a lot about it, and when you told me you were here, I thought it would be a good time to meet up with you away from everyone else and talk about it.”

Chan nods slowly. “Okay sure...what do you want to talk about?”

Seokmin bites his lip in thought before answering. “I really, really like you Chan. I know I was wrong to keep that from you when our friendship started changing, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for that. I would give anything to start a relationship with you. It’s what I want most, actually. But there’s just this one thing that’s holding me back.”

Chan swallows thickly. “What’s that?”

The elder pauses in his steps and turns toward him. “Soonie-hyung.”

The maknae’s eyes widen in shock. “What?” 

“Well, rather, some things that Soonyoung-hyung told me. I told him what was happening that night. I hope that was okay.”

Chan barely allows himself to recover from the initial panic of Seokmin bringing up Soonyoung. “Oh...no that’s okay. I figured you would. You’re so close.”

Seokmin smiles gently. “I guess so. It’s just that he thinks I’m going to get hurt. In talking to him about it, he left me doubting. I don’t want you to feel like you have to force yourself to develop feelings for me, nor do I want you to fake anything either. That would just hurt us both. I’m also scared of jumping into this with you and getting hurt in the end. You understand that right?”

Chan feels a wave of dread take over. His shoulders slump slightly. “Of course. I’d be too.”

“That’s not to say that I’m saying no.”

This catches Chan’s attention instantly, causing him to perk up. “You’re not saying no?”

Seokmin lets out a long sigh and meets Chan’s gaze, his honey-dipped eyes warm and full of the kind of love that makes Chan’s heart beat a little faster and skin grow warmer. “I’m not. Someone told me that the best things in life are worth the risk, and I truly feel you’re the best in my life, Channie. So with that said...I think I want to try this with you. Like a pilot test. We can take it really slow. No big commitments or high stakes. We don’t even have to label things between us yet if you’re not ready. We can just start very casual and see how things between us feel. There’s just one thing I need you to reassure me of.”

Chan’s face lights up like a Christmas tree plugged in on the first day of December. “Y-Yes! Yes, anything! Whatever you want - what is it?” he asks, reaching up hesitantly to fix a strand of the elder’s damp, dark hair ruffled by the wind.

“There has to be complete transparency between us about our feelings. I fucked things up by omitting my feelings for you at first, and I don’t want that sort of thing to ruin things between us or come between our friendship at the end of the day. I don’t want to do anything that’ll put us or the group in jeopardy. So...can you promise me you’ll be honest with me about everything, even if it means you’re not happy or you’re not into it? I can promise you the same thing.”

And here is where Chan freezes. Transparency. Honesty. These are not in any way outlandish things that Seokmin is asking of him. In fact, they would be preferred, encouraged even. Chan is aware enough of how relationships work to know that honesty has to be at the foundation of any relationship.

But honesty would mean admitting to Seokmin his longstanding and complicated feelings for Soonyoung. Transparency would mean telling Seokmin that his own best friend carries feelings for him, too. He would need to confess what happened between him and Soonyoung in their shared hotel room in Tokyo - the argument, the confessions, the kissing, the _almost sex_ \- and that could singlehandedly wreck everything between the two in a split second.

Seokmin is waiting for his response, doe-eyed and hopeful, and how could Chan deny him either of these things then? So he nods, offering Seokmin a warm smile. “I promise, hyung.”

Seokmin seems to relax immediately, some invisible weight falling off his shoulders then. “I promise too, Channie,” he replies fondly, ruffling Chan’s hair endearingly.

Chan finds himself smiling naturally, a bubble of hope growing inside him despite the knowledge floating in the back of his mind that he’ll have to tell Seokmin about his complicated relationship with Soonyoung eventually. But...maybe not now. Maybe it can wait. “Can we hold hands now?” Chan asks timidly, rocking back on his heels expectantly as Seokmin lets out a soft laugh.

A moment later, Seokmin’s fingers are slipping through Chan’s, and the maknae could swear he can breathe easier now. “We can hold hands as much as you want,” he replies, pressing a feather light kiss to the crown of Chan’s head and swinging their arms a little. “Noodles on me?”

Chan is quick to nod, a grin on his face as he leans closer into Seokmin. While they make their way down from Namsan Tower, Chan pushes thoughts of a certain tiger-eyed dancer to the back of his mind. He’s going to indulge in this because he owes it to himself and Seokmin.

Remembering the words of the tourist he met earlier, he thinks to himself that maybe he doesn’t actually have to _make_ Whatever This Is work. Maybe if he lets it happen, this will work naturally on its own. Maybe Lee Seokmin is what feels right.

He can live with that.

~*~*~

Lee Seokmin is a relatively simple person - easy to understand, clear in intent, unapologetically authentic, and easy to make happy. Chan feels it now more than ever, because even after the weeks spent apart, the maknae insisting on giving him space, talking to Seokmin feels just as easy as ever. The elder treats him as though nothing between them had changed, making jokes just to watch Chan throw his head back and laugh out loud, feeding him more than he should, holding Chan’s hand warmly in his own, and listening intently to Chan talk as though every word he speaks is crucial and of value. Chan finds it almost too easy to slip back into their old routine, content with their closeness and craving Seokmin’s comforting, grounding presence.

Seokmin doesn’t kiss Chan. He holds back in this way, which the maknae understands despite the natural impulse he feels to stand on his tiptoes and press a kiss to Seokmin’s lips every so often. Chan doesn’t cross any line Seokmin doesn’t himself, sparing with his touches and willing to move as slowly as Seokmin needs. Chan finds that, now that he isn’t too busy hooking up with the elder every chance he gets, he notices more of Seokmin’s tiny nuances in great detail. He can finally appreciate the way his lashes sweep over skin when he blinks slowly, the corners of his lips turning up ever so slightly when Chan speaks. He notices the way Seokmin’s fingers drum on the table when he’s deep in thought, pondering between ordering black bean noodles or glass noodles. He feels the elder’s leg shaking under the table, a sign of nervousness around Chan. When Seokmin replies to him, Chan can now hear the kind of adoration and fondness for him in the elder’s voice that he never did before.

Chan finds himself appreciating the way the moonlight makes his skin glow radiantly in the dark to match his blindingly bright smile and curled eyes. He finds himself holding Seokmin’s hand a little tighter in the dark, leaning a little closer, in search of Seokmin’s warmth and comfort. Chan always had the feeling that Seokmin was the human embodiment of _home_ , but tonight, he feels that sense of security and familiarity more than ever. He feels a need to be himself without apology or remorse. Seokmin’s arm eventually snakes around his waist and pulls him closer, and Chan easily melts into the elder’s side.

He can’t quite find the words to describe what he’s feeling at the moment. There’s relief that the two are back to how they used to be, with a touch more intimacy between them. There’s a deep, newfound fondness for Seokmin that Chan feels blossoming in his chest. It’s not like the same warmth he felt bursting in his body the last time they kissed backstage - it’s not the spark. This is longer lasting, the ripples of soft heat undulating slowly from his head to his toes in recurrent waves. Seokmin smells the same as always - like strawberries and cream. Chan wonders if he tastes the same too, but he won’t let himself find out. _In his own time_ , Chan reminds himself.

Chan can’t shake the feeling that tonight’s outing with Seokmin - from Namsan Tower to their usual noodle place to the brightly lit streets of Hongdae that they walk through now - is akin to what most might consider a first date. He won’t label it as such, since Seokmin and he have decided to refrain from labeling anything between them until later down the line, but the feeling is the same. It’s the air of wonder and anticipation, the fluttering sense of mutual attraction, and a dim flame of hope that _this is it. This is going somewhere_. It’s the stars in Seokmin’s eyes when he looks down at Chan and the buzz of electricity that surrounds them. It’s Chan’s hand intertwined with Seokmin’s, the elder’s care for him, and the invisible sparks flying that leaves Chan with the feeling in his bones that this could be their first official date as two best friends mutually interested and exploring what their bond could become in the near or distant future.

The streets of Hongdae are decorated beautifully for the coming holidays, with string lights wrapped around trees, lit Christmas decorations hanging from light posts, and wreaths placed at the doors of most shops they pass. The crisp, winter air whips around them gently, ruffling their hair and clothes. Chan reaches up to fix Seokmin’s disheveled locks a few times, no longer damp. Chan snaps a few unimpressive photos of his surroundings because again, he came out to practice a new hobby he is no good at but will try to pursue anyway. He suddenly snaps a candid photo of Seokmin, who’s currently in the middle of telling him a story about Seungkwan. Seokmin blinks at the flash, bursting into laughter at the cheeky, surprised look on Chan’s face. It’s moments like these that Chan is at ease, able to forget about Soonyoung and just _live_.

Seokmin buys Chan _tteokbokki_ from a street vendor despite Chan’s insistence that he totally _wasn’t_ eyeballing the cart with glassy eyes and drool about to drip from his lips. Chan feeds Seokmin some as they walk, ultimately sharing the serving with him. They pause and watch a local group of girls aspiring to be idols busking on the streets, clapping excitedly for them and dropping some money in the bucket they’re collecting for new performance outfits. Chan is instantly reminded of their beginnings, when the group had to prepare a performance for about thirty people at a commercial center as a mission for their pre-debut reality show. Chan looks up at Seokmin’s face now and remembers what he looked like six years ago, a wave of fond nostalgia taking him over. 

Seokmin notices Chan’s gaze fixed on him and looks down. Chan doesn’t miss the way the elder’s eyes fleetingly drop to his lips and back up. “What’s up, Channie?” he asks kindly, poking the maknae’s nose affectionately. 

Chan finds himself smiling brightly, shaking his head. “Nothing, we just...we’ve come a long way, hyung. Everything is so different now. I’m happy.”

The maknae’s sudden confession draws a reminiscent smile from Seokmin, the elder’s honey dipped gaze sparkling with emotions Chan can’t even begin to describe. Words can’t describe it.

“I’m really happy too, Channie. We’ve done well, haven’t we?” Seokmin replies honestly, pulling him close and pressing a gentle kiss to the top of his head. Chan nods into his chest before tugging on his hand and leading him away from the busking event, down a side street with smaller shops. Chan spots a small vinyl shop and starts pulling Seokmin in that direction, his second sudden yet brilliant idea of the day hitting him.

“Hey hyung, we should pick a song!” Chan suggests, the door of the shop chiming as they enter. Seokmin furrows his brows in confusion.

“A song? What do you mean?”

“You know, like...a song for us! One that represents us. It could be our song,” Chan explains excitedly. “I saw it in a movie.”

“You mean that new romcom on Netflix you swore you wouldn’t watch but still did when you thought no one was paying attention on the plane back home?” Seokmin teases lightly.

Chan gasps, cheeks flushing red. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t do romcoms.”

“That’s not what Lana Jean told me-”

“It’s Lara Jean! Put some respect on her name - wait, how _do_ you know her name?” Chan stares at Seokmin indignantly, pointing and gasping. “So you’ve been hiding something too! You watched those movies too!”

Seokmin giggles in amusement then, ruffling Chan’s hair playfully. “I promise I won’t tell if you don’t.” Chan purses his lips and scoffs, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Anyway, let’s find that song then!”

So Chan and Seokmin busy themselves with searching for their perfect song, sifting through vinyl records and test playing a few from artists they recognize that seem fitting. Eleven vinyl records and fifteen songs later, Seokmin and Chan exchange a knowing look, eyes lighting up.

It’s a song by Paul Kim called “커피 한 잔 할래요 (Would you like a cup of coffee?)” - Chan has heard it before, but something about the airy hopefulness and expectation that the singer conveys in the song feels different. It’s the kind of warm hopefulness Chan feels with Seokmin that something good will happen between them, that their feelings will grow together into something beautiful and promising. The song has that same “first date” feeling Chan has been toying with all night, and when he meets Seokmin’s bright-eyed gaze from across the record player, he knows Seokmin feels the same way.

They grin at each other, Seokmin’s nose scrunching cutely as he slides the vinyl back into its sleeve and beelines for the register, tugging on Chan’s hand behind him. Chan insists on paying for the record this time, pouting and whining that Seokmin has spent enough tonight. His protests finally cause Seokmin to sigh and put his wallet away, letting Chan hand his card to the cashier with a youthful, excited grin. 

“We have a song!” Chan whisper-yells, waving the bagged vinyl record in front of Seokmin and bouncing on his feet. Seokmin only chuckles and pokes Chan’s cheek, letting the younger drag him to different shops for the sake of looking (and totally _not_ impulse shopping). Chan shouldn’t be surprised that by the end of the night, he and Seokmin are carrying three bags each, both having bought a lot more than they’d initially planned - if they planned at all.

The pair finally make it back to the dorms around half past midnight. Chan gasps at the time, having lost complete track of it with Seokmin. “I can’t believe how late it got,” he muses softly, careful to keep his voice low to not wake up any of the other sleeping members.

“I know, time just really seemed to get away from us,” Seokmin replies, pausing outside of the door to Chan’s shared room with Junhui and Seungkwan. The elder hands Chan the bag carrying the vinyl he bought.

Chan shakes his head cheekily, handing the bag back to Seokmin. “I want you to have it, hyung. You love Paul Kim’s music, and I want you to remember tonight,” he explains with a light blush dusting his cheeks.

Seokmin looks down at the bag and back up at Chan, eyes twinkling as a smile slowly curls up the corners of his lips. “Are you sure, Channie?”

“Positive,” Chan is quick to nod, grinning up at his hyung. “Tonight was...special. I want you to have that to hold onto. I had lots of fun with you tonight. I just want to thank you for giving this - well, us, a chance.” 

The elder’s cheeks instantly flush a light pink hue. “No, thank you - for the vinyl and for tonight. I think I’m the lucky one,” he replies honestly. “Let’s do this again sometime?”

Chan grins and nods contentedly, blinking slowly. “Anytime. I can’t wait.”

The pair stand in silence for a moment longer outside of Chan’s door, almost unsure of what to do. A part of Chan wishes Seokmin would kiss him goodnight at his figurative doorstep, but he also understands that perhaps it’s too soon. Still, the youthful, adventurous spirit in him lingers, hoping that maybe, just maybe, Seokmin will do it.

He can see that Seokmin is definitely considering it, his eyes dropping to his lips briefly the way they had earlier tonight at the busking event. Chan’s breath catches in his throat for a moment, toes curling as he steadies himself just in case. Seokmin smiles softly, reaching up to brush his fingers through Chan’s hair endearingly. It’s all the maknae can do to not let his eyes drift shut at the sensation.

Seokmin leans down hesitantly, and before Chan knows it, Seokmin is pressing a gentle kiss to his temple and pulling away a little quicker than the maknae would have wished. Still, the feeling causes his chest to flutter and his stomach to flip. “Goodnight, Channie,” Seokmin whispers, flashing the maknae a warm, authentic smile, eyes curling upward with the motion. “Get some rest.”

Chan nods dumbly, smiling back at Seokmin and waving. “You too...goodnight hyung.”

Seokmin backs away, then reaching for his doorknob. Chan does the same, but still the two hesitate, almost as though unwilling to let the magic of tonight end right away. Only after Chan waves again does he gather the strength to push the door open and enter the dimly lit room, hearing Seokmin do the same. He quietly shuts the door behind him and leans against it for a moment, eyes drifting closed as the sensation of Seokmin’s lips on his temple lingers. He’s smiling like an idiot - that much he knows.

He’s hopeful. He’s happy. He’s at ease.

“What’s got you all smiley?” Junhui asks him softly from his bed, watching him mischievously.

Chan startles slightly but relaxes when he meets the dancer’s curious gaze. His phone is still clutched in his hands, the screen illuminating his face, but his eyes are focused on him now. Chan sighs and plops down at the edge of Junhui’s bed, dropping the bags by his own bed on the way over, and pulls Minghao’s camera over his head. “I just have a good feeling about things,” Chan replies with a small smile.

“Any of it have to do with Seokminnie?” he asks knowingly, poking Chan’s cheek and waggling his brows playfully at the maknae.

“What makes you say that?” Chan asks with a pout, thankful that the glow of Seungkwan’s night light is dim enough to disguise the blush on his cheeks.

“Just a hunch. You smell like strawberries and cream.”

Chan stares at Junhui weirdly. “God, your sense of smell scares me sometimes, hyung,” he admits. “Maybe it does. We’ll see. But this stays between you and me for now, okay?”

Junhui makes a show of zipping his lips and locking them tightly, tossing the key across the room. “Lips are sealed. Hey, isn’t that Hao’s camera?”

The maknae nods, remembering the photo he’d been meaning to ask him or Minghao about. “It is. I borrowed it for the day to try photography out as a hobby. Turns out I’m pretty shit at it, but I found some cool stuff worth taking photos of, so that’s cool.”

“Hey, you can’t be shit at art. Art is subjective,” Junhui says gradiosely, directly quoting Minghao.

“No that applies to everyone else. I’m just shit, period,” Chan replies with a quiet laugh. “Anyway, I was at Namsan Tower today-”

“Oooh, romantic!” Junhui teases.

“Not like that! Not with hyung!” Chan protests, careful not to wake Seungkwan with his whines. “As I was saying, I was there taking photos, and I found this particular padlock. It had Chinese characters on it, and so I wanted to ask you what it said. Something about it just caught my attention. I took a photo of it.”

“Sure, show me,” Junhui replies, sitting up and leaning over Chan’s shoulder to look at the image the maknae pulls up.

“It’s this one.” He hands the camera to Junhui and waits expectantly. Junhui seems to pause, staring at the photo for a long moment. He seems to contemplate it deeply, and Chan wonders whether the characters are just that difficult to translate.

“Jun-hyung?” Chan speaks up, pulling Junhui’s attention back to him. “Is it a hard translation?”

Junhui blinks twice and looks back down at the photo. “No, it’s not. It means ‘I understand.’ How did you say you came across this again?”

Chan chews on his lip, not quite wanting to tell Junhui about his silly little blue padlock. He settles on a half-truth. “I was just looking through some of them out of curiosity. This one just caught my attention for some reason. I wanted to know what it said.”

Junhui hums and nods, handing the camera back and offering him a small smile. “Hope that helped.”

“It did! I just wonder what they meant by that...whoever wrote it. What did they understand?”

The Chinese dancer shrugs, absentmindedly playing with the silver bracelet on his right wrist. “Who knows,” he replies. “I wonder if they remember the lock is there.”

“I’m sure they do, wherever they are.” Chan ponders the words. _I understand_. “I have a feeling it’s not something they’d forget easily. Anyway, thanks for the help, hyung!”

Junhui grins and nods. “Anytime - now stop being lazy and learn Chinese!”

“I’ve barely even got a grip on Japanese, hyung! That’s what we have you and Myungho-hyung around for!” Chan protests, plopping down on his bed and sticking his tongue out at Junhui.

The elder chuckles softly and shakes his head. “I feel so used,” he whispers, pretending to cry.

Chan rolls his eyes and throws a cat plushie at Junhui. “Go to sleep hyung! Your eyes are going to explode if you keep staring at that screen!”

Seungkwan suddenly groans and shushes Chan. “Hey loser, shush and let me sleep or I’ll go over there and flick your forehead,” the singer threatens.

“Not if I wrestle you to the floor first, hyung,” Chan replies matter-of-factly, chuckling when Junhui holds back a loud laugh.

Seungkwan pokes his head out from under his sheets, hair standing at all odd angles, one eye closed, the other half cracked open. “You little brat, I’ll get you one day in your sleep,” he croaks sleepily, quickly retreating under the covers again and returning to sleep.

Chan and Junhui exchange amused smirks and shake their heads, Junhui finally turning on his side and shutting his phone off.The maknae changes his clothes and crawls under his own covers, staring at the ceiling for a long moment as he ponders the day. He’d managed to spend the entire evening without thinking of Soonyoung once. It was nice, but now he’s alone and the unit leader is on his mind again the way he is every night.

He rubs his eyes tiredly and groans. He can’t keep avoiding Soonyoung forever. He should also probably be honest with him about Seokmin’s decision out of respect. His brain instantly starts to go into overdrive pondering the situation, and so he quickly decides that tonight isn’t the time. So Chan turns on his side and checks his phone one last time before calling it a night. He finds a text from Seokmin with a single photo attachment. Chan giggles as soon as he opens it - a candid of the maknae marveling at the Paul Kim vinyl they bought tonight with a single caption:

_i think we chose well tonight <3_

Chan grins down at his screen as he saves the photo and types back a quick reply.

_i know we did <3 _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, questions, comments, thoughts, and nightmares are always welcome in the comment section! thank you always for reading and supporting this story <3


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